Jackson's Dilemma

  ‘My sweetheart, don’t grieve, don’t be sad at all, whatever it is, any sorrow, any distress or fear, you must share it with me—’

  ‘Well, we’ve been talking about money, and—’

  ‘Go on, I can bear it, please don’t look like that, dear dear Tuan - we’ll deal with money somehow - ’

  ‘You see, I’ve let you be, and you’ve been wondering how we can live, and how poor we shall be - ’

  ‘It doesn’t matter, Tuan, we shall be together — ’

  ‘Well, I’m - about money - actually I’m not short of it - at all - I am really - well - really I am a millionaire.’

  Later as they drove on Tuan explained how his great-great-grandfather had founded a paper-making firm in Germany. This firm had flourished and produced subsidiary firms in Edinburgh and Glasgow. Tuan’s father had told Tuan how his father and grandfather had escaped to Scotland when the persecutions began. Tuan’s father inherited the business which, after his death, became the property of Tuan. Still pursuing his philosophical studies Tuan, unknown to his London friends, began to spend a part of every week in Edinburgh. Now, since his deputy had retired, he had decided to spend more time in Edinburgh, and less in London. After all, he was head of the firm, and did not regret it. He was relieved now that he had informed Rosalind of this!

  As he drove Tuan fell silent, allowing Rosalind to keep reassuring him how little she cared about leaving London, how much she looked forward to Edinburgh, and, quite frankly, she did not complain that there was some money! Now she could paint and try the Courtauld! Tuan was now finding himself even farther away, transported to the ghetto in Berlin and to Auschwitz. He wondered if he would not talk any more about such things to Rosalind. He recalled his doubts, the doubts he had first discovered, perhaps on that occasion round Benet’s dinner table, just before the awful message came. Was it right for him to proceed down that road - down this road? Might he now continuously be attacked by black fits like those which had come to him already, when he had bitterly driven Rosalind, who was now his wife, away from him. He thought, I wonder if Jackson hadn’t come in that night, would I have broken it all up. Not that, as he remembered, Jackson had said very much to him - though he did certainly speak to him. Tuan thought then, and it occurred to him again now, that perhaps Jackson was Jewish. Yet it was impossible to ask him. He also thought - what am I doing, carrying away good sweet Rosalind? I shall go back to the Synagogue. Really, deep in my heart, I want to be a Rabbi!

  At Edward and Anna’s swift little Register Office wedding in London the following, besides the Registrar, were present: Montague, Millie, Elizabeth Loxon, Oliver Caxton and Bran. Edward and Anna and Elizabeth and Oliver and Bran had a celebration lunch in the Savoy, after which Edward, Anna and Bran returned to Edward’s (now also Anna’s and Bran’s) house where the red Jaguar, housed in the garage, was taken out and conveyed the family back to Hatting Hall, where they were greeted by Montague and Millie who had already returned by train. On the following day Bran was led to the stables and introduced to a beautiful little brown and white pony called Rex. Fortunately Bran had quite often ridden ponies in France, and was deemed unlikely to fall off. Anna had never mounted a horse, and Edward had never mounted one since Randall’s death.

  After the tension of the marriage there was much relief, though of course other problems began at once to appear. Love-making was not one of these. From their second ‘first day’ as they called it, when Edward had so bravely and suddenly ‘shown up’, their passion for each other had remained fierce and tender, seeming, they were sure, likely to last forever and ever. However there were inevitable difficulties, one of these being their unavoidable incognito. After much discussion on this they had concluded that, for all their sakes (including Lewen’s), it must remain intact. Edward was, concerning this, more anxious than Anna. The moment when Bran had thrown himself into Edward’s arms had been, for them, a validation of how they were hence to live.

  However Edward could not avoid the burden falling upon him. He was to protect them now - and forever. He was made anxious, for instance, by Anna’s insouciance, how much had she told Bran and how much had Bran found out for himself? How long had Bran known and how? And how, if at all, was Jackson involved? He had been, rather guiltily, relieved when Jackson had vanished, and rather dismayed when he reappeared. However, about this particular he was now increasingly relieved. They had also of course endlessly discussed Bran’s future. The fact that he was put down for Edward’s old school was of course, had to be, a pleasant surprise for Edward and a token of Anna’s, now glowing, optimism. However he was, on further reflection (and this he had not mentioned to Anna), uncertain about the wisdom of this choice. Of course they could if necessary remove him, but this would be a sad pity. Edward had been, for the boarding school in question, ardently groomed by a suitable British, also boarding, prep school. Bran, however, had hitherto spent his school life in French, excellent of course, day schools. Would he not regard cricket with contempt-even more the Wall Game? Suppose he simply refused and demanded to go back to France? Would they not all have to go? He knew that he loved Bran passionately, as much as he loved Anna. Bran had put his arms around him. Bran had withdrawn a little. He was indeed rather quiet and Edward felt it better not to disturb him. Still he felt quite certain of Bran’s love.

  Such were some of the problems which Edward now attempted to banish from his mind, as he and Anna climbed into the red Jaguar to drive across the valley to Benet’s dinner party at Penndean. Bran and Rex and Millie and Montague all came to see them off. Are we late? I think so, but so much the better. The sun shone, everyone seemed to be, and perhaps was, for a time, very happy. Edward and Anna had been informed that it was to be a small party, all familiar faces, all three married couples and their host - and Jackson. Anna commented that they had not seen him since before his dreadful expulsion. They were both curious to see what Jackson might be like now - and also of course Benet! They laughed and speculated as the red car flew along.

  ELEVEN

  Benet’s guests at Penndean arrived in this order. First Rosalind and Tuan, who were staying the night, and wanted to arrive early so that they could quietly change, murmuring to each other, and settle into their bedroom. Mildred and Owen came next from the Sea Kings, almost late, because of Owen’s deliberate dallying, even though they had arrived at the Inn quite early. Edward and Anna, enjoying their privilege as locals, arrived late. Benet had welcomed his guests, leading the ‘love birds’ up the stairs to their room, greeting Owen and Mildred, who put down their coats in the hall, and then Edward and Anna, who had left their coats in the car. Owen and Mildred were first in the drawing room, followed by Rosalind and Tuan, with Edward and Anna last. Of course it had been for some time general knowledge that Jackson was back. Now Benet, mingling with his guests, disappeared at intervals into the kitchen from which Jackson appeared distantly two or three times, waving to the arrivals. ‘Waiting for Jackson,’ Anna murmured to Edward. The chat before dinner was a little briefer than usual because of Benet’s anxiety. At dinner the placement, from host’s right to left, was as follows: Benet, Anna, Owen, Tuan, Edward, Mildred, Jackson, Rosalind, Benet. One question at least having been silently answered, soon everyone was busily talking.

  Benet had, since the announcement, seen Edward and Anna together, once in London when he had invited them to a little post-marital party, and once again at Hatting when he had tactfully invited himself ‘just to say hello’. Anna was now very apologetic.

  ‘Benet dear, we are so sorry, we’ve hardly seen you, usually it seems that we’ve been in London when you were here, and here when you are in London - we do love you, you know!’

  Benet thought that her words, though awkward, were sincere. He recalled that first visit to her when she had returned to her London house, how pleased he had been to see her, and how little he had got on with Bran! For an instant he thought, yes, I think Anna and Edward do love me. But they will not tell me much. He said, ??
?So Bran has a pony called Rex!’

  ‘Yes! How do you know?’

  ‘Sylvia told us. And I’m afraid the village knows!’

  ‘Of course! He adores Rex, but I think he loves Spencer even more.’

  ‘So dear Spencer is still with us. Oh Anna, I’m so happy for you and Edward, it’s a sort of miracle - ’

  ‘Yes, we’ve been so lucky, we’ve done it at last, Edward plucked up his courage!’

  ‘So you’ve been meeting each other in France, and in London, well of course - and Bran will go to school, to Edward’s old school you said! Is he looking forward to it?’

  ‘Oh yes, he’s delighted with everything - ’

  ‘I want to make friends with him.’

  ‘Oh, surely you are friends already!’

  ‘He gets more and more like Lewen every day.’

  ‘Yes, doesn’t he. Look at those love birds, aren’t they sweet—they are so young - you must be pleased with them, they are like your children!’

  ‘Yes, that was such a beautiful surprise. They’re going to live partly in Scotland and partly in London.’

  ‘How can they afford two places, poor things? Tuan hasn’t any sort of job, has he? And Rosalind can hardly afford an art school. Ada is not so rich now, you know. We shall have to help them out, don’t you think?’

  ‘Yes, I have already thought of that.’

  ‘Have you seen her paintings, are they good?’

  ‘Oh yes, quite good I think, Owen sometimes helps her.’

  ‘Dear Owen, he’s just the same, isn’t he. Aren’t they staying at the Sea Kings? We could have put them up.’

  ‘Well, so could I. They wanted to stay there.’

  ‘No chance of their marrying I’m afraid! Mildred is still in love with an Indian god, isn’t she?’

  ‘With several, I think. And some pious priest in the East End! Oh Anna, Anna, I can’t tell you how happy I am with you being here!’

  ‘You’re not upset about Marian? Well, you must be a bit.’

  ‘I was a bit, but that’s all gone. She seems to be very happy with her Australian.’

  ‘Didn’t Jackson have something to do with that?’

  ‘Well, a very minor part. How did you find out?’

  ‘Marian wrote to me! The mother is coming here, isn’t she, Ada Fox? Someone said you were going to put her up.’

  ‘How clever these someones are!’

  ‘Sorry, you don’t mind? By the way, thank you so much for that lovely cigarette case!’

  ‘I’m glad you like it. Edward’s looking so well, isn’t he, so positively beautiful, so rapturously happy!’

  Owen was pressing his right foot against Tuan’s left foot under the table. Tuan, not turning, did not remove his foot. He smiled a gentle angelic smile.

  ‘So that’s it for you, my dear. I congratulate you and her. She is pure beauty and pure goodness. Am I surprised? Yes, but only in a mean selfish way, and almost that’s gone too. Look, now she’s talking to Jackson! May I paint a picture of the two of you together?’

  ‘Dearest Owen, why not!’

  ‘Thanks for the “dearest”. I say, Benet, what splendid wine! Benet’s cellars are famous. I know she loves me, I have known her far far longer than you, ever since she was a child. I think she’s got the perfect man, I thought there wasn’t one. But what’s all this about going to Scotland, why on earth Scotland - to make your fortunes there?’

  ‘Well, we’ll be just as much in London too - ’

  ‘You must get a proper job, my boy. I don’t want her to work except at painting, perhaps she’ll soon be a painter, then she’ll support you! Not that painters make much money, certainly not to begin with, and, God damn it, most of the time nothing at all! We used to sing like nightingales when Tim was here, but I think that was before your time, before you found us, that is, what a bit of luck, don’t lose us, will you, don’t lose me anyway - ’

  ‘Oh I won’t!’

  ‘I need you. When Mildred is up in the mountains squatting on her sari, I shall be in dire need.’

  ‘Is she going?’

  ‘I don’t know. Fortunately she has discovered a bloody Anglican priest, name of Lucas, and my God, do you know she wants to be a priest herself! What is England coming to! But never mind her, let us feast our eyes upon your lovely bride, she’s been talking to Jackson, look, she’s seen us, I bet she knows what we’re up to, she’s laughing, she’s waving, damn, now Benet’s got her. By the way, what do you think about Jackson? All right, we can discuss this later. You know, I haven’t really seen you since I kissed you in the grove underneath those big dark trees. You won’t refuse my kisses now? Oh thank heavens, I knew you wouldn’t! Now it’s time for me to do my best with Anna, while you fence with Edward, who is now relinquishing Mildred to, dear me, Jackson!’

  Edward, having steered off the subject of Lewen, had been arguing with Mildred about the future of the Anglican Church. ‘My dear, it is done for. If there is any Christianity alive in the next century it will be the Church of Rome. Rome has always held ruthlessly together, discipline, discipline, that is what is attractive. All the same, I doubt if that will last much longer either. The Anglicans are a catastrophe, jaunting along in all sorts like a circus, there is nothing deep there, and they know it! What might be decently preached is the truth that there is no God, no life after death, and Jesus is not divine. Perhaps something decent might follow - not just money and technology and success — I wonder - we shall never know. As for pure survival, my bet is on your Hindu and Buddhist friends - and Judaism, ask Tuan sometime - well, I’ll ask him myself now he’s escaped from Owen.’

  Mildred had been longing for this move, it was the moment she was waiting for; just as Anna was turning to Owen and Benet to Rosalind, Mildred found herself turning towards Jackson. She trembled, she shuddered, she thought he is different, he is more, even more, handsome, his dark eyes are larger, so calm and glowing, his lips are gentle, his expression is loving, he is secure because Benet has forgiven him, no no, he has forgiven Benet! But it isn’t that, he has changed, like in suffering, like a sea-change, that is in Shakespeare isn’t it, his skin is different, darker and more glowing, when he went away it was for another incarnation, he belongs with people who go on and on living, perhaps it is Tibet or somewhere else, how old is he, a hundred years, a thousand years, they come like guardian angels, they are guardian angels, now he is talking to me in a strange language, yet I understand, I reach out my hand and touch his hand, and his hand is burning. I am speaking to him and he is speaking to me, he has the stigmata, he was beaten like Christ was beaten, he is damaged, like the Fisher King in disguise, he is afraid of being caught up with by those who know his shame, and how he was found in a cardboard box in the rushes beside the river. Uncle Tim found him and nursed him like a wounded bird, like Prospero on his island with his secret sin, suffering agonies of remorse, and he said ‘this thing of darkness I acknowledge mine’, of course Caliban was his son by Sycorax, Jackson is Caliban, he is the one who knows the island and the animals and the plants and strange sounds, Jackson is really Benet’s illegitimate son, Shakespeare too felt remorse, his great soul was filled with remorse, like Macbeth, like Othello, ‘Keep up your bright swords, for the dew will rust them’, and the Indian Rope Trick, and Kim running over the housetops, and the Angel of the Annunciation, and yes, I shall hold the Chalice, I mean the Holy Grail.

  But now she begins to hear Owen’s loud voice coming through, ‘Where are our great leaders now, where are our great thinkers, are we to take orders from elsewhere from invisible bureaucrats, Marx saw that poverty could and must be removed, nobody listened, everything is ruthless now in our so-called democracies, we must smash up our senseless, cruel capitalism, as it is no wonder Alexander has gone to Japan -’

  The table was beginning to disintegrate. Anna, next to Owen, was murmuring, ‘Yes, yes, yes indeed,’ and trying to engage the attention of Edward, Rosalind was gazing at Tuan, Benet, who had been scanni
ng the table, at last stood up. Everyone began to rise.

  Owen, abandoning his speech, now exclaimed, ‘To the garden, to the garden!’ Everyone, laughing and jumbling, were now up on their feet, when Benet cried, ‘Wait! We must have a toast to Uncle Tim!’

  All glasses were lifted and clinked and the cry was ‘Uncle Tim!’, followed in some cases by murmurs of ‘God rest him!’ or ‘Dear old Tim, bless him!’ Those who had known him well had tears in their eyes.

  After that there was a stampede through the drawing room and out into the garden where, following tradition, the guests scattered into the dark. The stars, since it was already later in the season, were less brilliantly milky, more like a very dim carpet upon which formations more familiarly appeared. The dewy grass was wetter, the bats were fewer, the weird cries of owls came less often from the huge Wellingtonias, toward which Owen looked sadly as he saw Tuan propelling Rosalind in that direction. Edward and Anna strolled away arm-in-arm towards the rose garden, its little fountain now audible in the darkness. Owen, foiled, took charge of Mildred, who now was quietly weeping. They sat down at the far end of the terrace. Benet looked round for Jackson: but Jackson was not to be seen. Benet, breathing deeply in the moist air, walked slowly on towards the end of the lawn, alone.

  TWELVE

  Rosalind and Tuan were locked together in the big four-poster in the ‘old part’ of Penndean. After coming in from the garden they had hurried to their bed, avoiding the others. Now it was like being in a warm very quietly moving sea, or like very slow dancers in a slow sleepy waltz. Or like world class skating, as Tuan had remarked, except that it was all in the same place. She had skated when she was younger. Could Tuan skate? She had never asked him! How lovely, if they could skate together in Kensington Gardens! As it was, everything that should have happened between them had happened between them. It was like a fairy tale or a miracle or some absolute spiritual formation of new being, like entering a huge beautiful holy house. Before they went out to the Register Office they had both instinctively knelt down, as in some holy chivalry. They had by then passed the stage of ‘are you sure’, wherein each one, quite sure, was anxiously testing the strength of the other. Tuan was indeed so absolutely a knight, Rosalind found herself positively seeing, in and out of her dreams, his glowing silver armour and his noble helmeted head. I have found him, she thought, I have found him! He held her so gently and so firmly, he so pure in heart, somehow like a child, but so courageous and so loving. The future, ahead, yes, so much of future to come, and children, wonderful children whom we both have made. All this, she herself, whom she had fought for and won, continuously bathing his wounds. And she had fought for him too, when suddenly, in a flash of lightning, she saw, and was then afraid that it was too late. So many strange things had brought them together, so many divine accidents. Really Marian had brought her to him, and he saying he would call Rosalind, and how Marian and I slept, and how Tuan looked at me in my sleep, and Marian ran away, and then Tuan and I held hands and kissed, and then Tuan said he had so much darkness and I must go away and then he told me his dreadful story about the dog when everything else was nightmare, and he was weeping, and he sent me away and I went away and I came back and he said more things about how Marian had gone and I was free to move into a space really my own and he meant I was free to marry Edward, and he threw me out and I came again and he said at last, ‘You have won, dear child,’ and we went to bed together, and we lay down as we are lying down now. But I know that he has still strange pains which he tries to conceal from me, and I have heard him murmuring Hebrew in his sleep and I think that pain will never altogether go away, and I shall bind my love closer and closer about him, as I am binding it now, and holding him closer and closer with my love.