This Is Me...

“And I'm starving. Do you mind if I make us dinner? It's been forever since I cooked.”

  “Not at all. Make yourself at home, but please don't feel as though you need to cook for me. I'm actually quite a good cook. Marty taught me a few tricks and tips over the years.”

  “Good to know. I'm sure I'll remember how much I hate cooking five minutes after I start, but tonight I actually feel like cooking.” Weird.

  Walking to the kitchen, Mack watches me closely, analyzing me I'm sure. I know it's going to be next to impossible for him to not get into my head every chance he gets because, well, that's all he's done for over a year now. I know he'll try, but I'm sure he'll eventually give me the 'talk to me' face I've become more than accustomed to.

  Looking back into the living room, I see he's left the couch. Maybe Mack needed a minute himself to settle into this new arrangement. I doubt he's having second thoughts or even regretting his decision, but I'm sure it's still going to be strange for him having someone here all the time. As it was, he only saw Kayla on weekends, usually every, or every second week-end for 2 days, so I'm sure there's some adjustments needed.

  When the chicken breasts are in the oven, I make a delicious cauliflower/broccoli salad and mix it with a sweet poppy seed dressing- my favorite. I'm so glad we grabbed groceries after leaving the hospital. Mack insisted that his kitchen was so bare the grocery store was mandatory, but I think he was testing me to see how I handled my first public appearance out of the hospital as 'Suzanne the Scarred'.

  In the store I tended to have my head lowered, but I did remarkably well I think for my first time. I didn't cry or freak out, and though I saw people stare at me a little, it really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

  I could usually look away from eye contact before I saw their faces transform into questions, or repulsion, or sadness regarding my face and limp. Usually, I ignored them and pretended no one even looked my way, which is what I've always preferred anyway.

  After reading on my kindle, the chicken is done, but Mack still hasn't come out of his room. Walking down the hall, I hear him mumbling in his bedroom. Should I? Shouldn't I? Shit. I know it’s wrong and an invasion of privacy and just WRONG but I can't help it.

  Inching up to his door, I lean against it and listen to his words.

  “Stop it Kayla... Not true...never... Would you just stop yelling, and listen to me for a minute! No, I won't... Are you seriously asking me that?... Yes, one time. One. When she was desperate and freaked out. ONCE!... Stop... Would you listen to yourself... Yes I've heard you for the last half hour and I'm exhausted with this back and forth... Yes, I said exhausted... I CAN'T! Jesus Christ, she was desperate and scared, and so sad I couldn't say no... NO, I couldn't! ENOUGH! Yes, I'm deciding this is enough... Grow up, Kayla!... Clever... Goodbye Kayla.” Slam.

  Holy SHIT! They're fighting because of me. Dammit! Running for the kitchen, I call out Mack's name so he thinks I've been there all along. Grabbing for the pot holders, my hands are shaking, my breathing is fast, and my heart is pounding. Shit! He's gonna know something's up with me. He can always tell. God Dammit.

  Walking into the kitchen, Mack has a beautiful- but totally fake- smile on his face.

  “Smells good. Thank you, I'm starving,” he says with way too much enthusiasm.

  When the phone suddenly rings, I jump and dip the left half of the pan of chicken. Catching it tightly again, my arm feels so weak from the shaking, I barely notice I'm stuck in the middle of the floor as the phone rings again. I just can't seem to move.

  When the phone continues, Mack smiles and ignores it as the machine picks up. Hearing Kayla's voice from the living room, I freeze.

  “Pick up the phone, Mack! Pick it UP! You don't decide when I'm done talking. I do! And I'm not done fucking talking to you. Pick. It. UP!” She yells.

  Stuck in place, Mack takes my arms and leads me to the table. Helping me place the hot dish on the extra placemat, he seems to be studiously ignoring me.

  “Ignore the message, Suzanne. Kayla and I are having a little argument, that's all.”

  “Sorry...” is all I mumble.

  Mack doesn't know that I'm sorry me being here has caused his 'little argument', and Mack doesn't know I'm sorry that I selfishly asked him for this. Mack doesn't know I'm sorry that anything to do with me causes him any distress or upset of any kind. And that's what I'm sorry for. I'm sorry for anything involving me causing him anything bad. Dammit.

  Dinner continues as Mack and I make small talk. There's nothing we can really talk about that seems safe now. I feel the very dark cloud over my first meal here. I feel the upset in the air. I hate that Mack is unhappy, especially over something Suzanne.

  “I'm moving out in the morning,” I suddenly state.

  “No, you're not,” he replies without looking at me.

  “Actually, I am. It's good though. I really should learn how to do all this on my own anyway. Its fine, Mack. And I'm serious.”

  “Suzanne, that's not necessary. Kayla and my argument has nothing to do with you,” he says, lying right to my face.

  “Regardless, I'm moving out in the morning. I'm just a little tired tonight so I hope you don't mind me crashing-”

  “Suzanne, seriously, it’s fine.”

  “I know it is. But I actually want this. I decided when I was cooking that I want to live alone. It's good. Honestly. And I've already decided. I'm just going to go turn in and then I'm leaving in the morning. But thanks Mack for having me,” I smile my best smile for him.

  “You're not leaving in the morning. I want you to stay and I'm not going to let you leave.”

  Smirking, “Well, unless you plan to lock me in, I AM leaving. I'm fine Mack, I promise. I just really want to move out, no offense. It's not you, I swear. But I feel a desperate need to do this on my own now. Um, good night Mack, and thanks,” I say while quickly rising from the table.

  Practically running for my room, I hear him call out my name, but ignore him and close my door quickly.

  Well, this just sucks. I'm not ready to be alone and I don't want to BE alone. But what choice do I have? I can't screw up Mack and Kayla. I WON'T screw up Mack and Kayla.

  When he knocks on my door, I open it with my best smile again.

  “Mack, I'm super tired and I really need to sleep now, okay? Nothing's wrong, I just don't want I live here, that's all. Please let me go to sleep. I've had a really long day.”

  Exhaling a hard breath, Mack tugs his hair, which totally reminds me of Z. Oh! Not now. Not Z, please...

  “Okay. We'll talk in the morning. Good night, Suzanne. And you're not leaving.”

  “Good night, Mack. And thanks for everything, always,” I whisper.

  Pausing, Mack stares at me like he knows what I'm going to do, until I gently begin closing the door on him with a parting smile.

  This is good. This will be fine. I'll be fine once I get out of here. And Mack and Kayla will be fine when I'm out of here. This is good. I can do this.

  Its 8:30, so I figure in 2 and a half hours or so, he'll probably go to bed, and then I'll leave. I really don't want all the drama in the morning, so I'll leave while he sleeps. I'm tired of drama all the time, so I'm going to make this move in-move out within 9 hours as anti-climactic as possible. I'll even write a quick note for him.

  Grabbing my tote and finding my little black notebook I rip out a page and say my goodbye.

  Mack,

  Thanks for letting me stay here, I really appreciate the kind gesture. I promise this has nothing to do with you. This is ALL me. I just want to live alone for the first time in my life. I think it's time now.

  I'll talk to you soon.

  I love you, forever.

  Suzanne xo

  Waiting... at midnight I finally hear nothing. Jesus, it took forever for nothing to arrive, but finally it's here and I can slip out.

  Collecting my purse and the keys to the apartment I rented, I quietly make my way to the front door. Leaving the note on
the coffee table, I walk out of Mack's apartment, happy.

  I'm doing my first unselfish thing in forever, and it feels good. I'm not even scared of my new apartment. I'm just happy I finally did something right for Mack. It's about friggin' time I did something good for him. Especially since he has done so much for me time and time again. This is a good thing for Mack and his Kayla, and maybe even for me, eventually.

  *****

  Waking to a chaos of sound, I know I've been found. Between Mack pounding on my front door, and my cell phone ringing nonstop, my new neighbors are going to absolutely hate me.

  Throwing open the door, I yell, “I'm completely okay, Mack. So just stop.”

  Stunned, Mack doesn't even know what to say. Looking at me like he's lost his mind, I take his hand while leading him into my place, park his ass on the couch, and sit on the coffee table in front of him.

  “Suzanne-”

  “Nope. You're not my Shrink anymore and I'm absolutely fine. I wanted to leave not just for you and Kayla, if that's what you think, but once I thought about it, I realized I HAD to leave your apartment for me as well. I didn't want to make you my platonic substitute for Z, who I can't be with. And I think we both know, and I'm sure Kayla is well aware that that’s exactly what I was doing. Unintentionally, of course. I thought I wanted to live with you as best friends and roommates, which I did. But I also wanted you to fill the loneliness up because Z can't...

  “... So because you are so loving, and kind, and just the most amazing man EVER you gave into me. Again. And quite frankly, for someone who said they were going to start calling me on my shit, you've done a pretty lousy job of it. You CAN say no to me, Mack. You should say no to me sometimes. Otherwise, I might start using you unintentionally. I might use you or take advantage of your Mackness, and I NEVER want to do that to you. I love you way too much to be a user or a jerk to you, even if it is unintentional.”

  When he sits forward to speak, I raise my hand in the classic Mack/Suzanne 'zip it' way and he sits back without saying a word. Good.

  “So here's where I'm at. I came back here around 1:00am, and though it was dark and I'm not used to this place at all, I handled it. I slept on the couch right here for now but I'm sure I'll make it to my room in a few days. I took my meds and I actually fell asleep right away. There were no tears and I didn't freak out over this living arrangement. I'm not actually happy of course, but I AM okay. Okay?”

  Nodding, and sitting toward me again Mack pulls me toward the edge of the table, between his spread thighs and hugs me so tightly, I can barely breathe. Exhaling into my hair, I feel him relax fully.

  This is good. This is another new start. I think Mack may even be proud of me for this huge step which I did all on my own.

  Pulling away, I kiss him gently on the lips. Nothing dirty and nothing too dramatic, but just a nice little kiss between best friends.

  “You are such a doll, Suzanne.”

  “I know. I try...” I giggle.

  Smiling back he asks, “So what do you want to do now? What's the plan?”

  “I'm going to go pee because I'm dying here, and then I'm going to call your Kayla back and explain my plans, which both do and DO NOT include you. And then I'd like to go for breakfast with you. After that, I was wondering if you could help me go grocery shopping again but for my place this time. And then we need to pack up and bring back all my clothes again,” I smirk at his groan.

  “Other than the clothing situation, that sounds like an excellent plan.”

  “Good.”

  Standing and walking toward my ugly new bedroom I hear him call my name. Looking back at him, he’s still sitting forward with his hands on his knees looking like he's struggling to speak.

  “I was scared to death this morning, Suzanne. I didn’t know what I'd find here,” he whispers.

  “Don't be. 'Life-long contract', remember? Whether I like it or not, I can't break my promise to you, and I never will. Plus, I'm stronger than that now. I have to be.”

  And with a dramatic flip of my hair, I turn my back on Mack and his laughter as I shut my bedroom door behind me.

  Exhaling and leaning against the door, I suddenly believe every single thing I just said to him. When I was speaking, I pulled that speech right out of my ass but now I know it's actually true.

  I want Mack and Kayla to be good, and I have Z's baby to care for. And I need to get stronger on my own to be able to do that. This is the absolute best thing I can do for me and for them under the circumstances, and I'm going to do it.

  When I call Kayla, she cuts me off immediately and begs me to hear her out. When I agree and remain silent, she begins...

  “Picture this: you love a guy who has a best female friend who is beautiful, and sweet, and pregnant and heartbroken and lost, and so sad as she goes through a very tough time in her life she breaks the hearts of everyone she meets. The guy you love picks up and moves to be near her and takes care of her constantly. You, the girlfriend never see him but he always sees her. You are the outsider and she is his main focus day and night. Though you love each other and the best friends SWEAR it’s platonic between them, you know the beautiful, sweet, sad woman who he adores tried to kiss him passionately once. And though he told you about it, and explained the rather tragic circumstances that prompted it- at the end of the day you are with the man you love sometimes but HE is with the girl he loves and adores each and every single day.”

  Oh shit.

  “Now imagine that scenario with Z and some beautiful, sweet, pregnant, heart-broken, best friend who he loves and adores, admittedly. A woman he leaves you for to move away to be with her, platonically of course, and tell me you don't absolutely freak the fuck out and become this jealous, neurotic psycho where he and the woman are concerned?”

  Yikes. Now I've got it and I totally get it. In the silence that follows Kayla's sad little confession I can think of nothing to say. Eventually, through the heavy silence I hear her exhale her upset.

  “But it isn't like that. Ever,” I plead. “I swear when I say I love Mack and when he says he loves me it IS a totally innocent relationship based on affection and mutual caring, but that's it.”

  “I know... But I still get jealous. I'm a woman, I can't help it.”

  “I would never do anything with Mack, and I would NEVER hurt you like that.”

  “I know, but-”

  “The kiss was just a desperate, random, strange, spontaneous ooops on my part. It wasn't even about kissing Mack, Kayla. In my warped mind, I wanted to kiss Mack to make me not ugly anymore.”

  “Suzanne-”

  “Listen to me, Kayla. It could've been anyone in that intense moment. I just needed to not be ugly, and I thought if someone kissed me back then I wasn't so ugly. And believe me there was NO kiss-back. None! Mack became so freakishly still that I kind of woke up to what I had done, and I apologized immediately. The end. I swear. I was just so stunned at my ugliness, I didn't know what to do, so I panicked,” I cry softly.

  “You are NOT ugly. And I get it now. I'm sorry for being such an insecure Psycho. And I'm not mad, and I'll forget about it starting now.”

  “Promise?”

  “Yes. But if you ever kiss MY Mack again, I'll knock you on your ass, Suzanne. Pregnant or not.”

  “I wouldn't dare and I wouldn't ever, I swear. It was a strange little fluky moment of fear and desperation on my part.”

  “Okay, I understand totally. I've done desperate before with a guy.”

  “Really?”

  “Of course. Um, do you still want to live with Mack? It's okay if you do, I'm fine with it now.”

  “No. I don't want to for me, but I don't want to for you and Mack either. I'll be okay. I just need you and I to be okay.”

  “We are. I promise.”

  “Thank you Kayla for understanding, and for always being there for me. I love you so much.”

  “I love you too. Now go platonically kiss my Mack for me, and tell him I'll call him late
r to apologize for my version of crazy,” she says with her best smile-voice.

  “Okay...” I grin as she hangs up.

  Thirty-five minutes later, after that rather dramatic phone call with New York Kayla, I'm still stunned as I join Mack in the living room.

  “We're okay now. And Kayla wants me to kiss you for her, and tell you she'll call you later.”

  “I'm very sorry you had to deal with-”

  “I'm not. I'm glad she told me her feelings. Honestly, I would have freaked out if I was her too. I just didn't think about anyone else and I didn't realize how she would feel, but now I get it.”

  “What do you want to do now?” Mack still seems tense.

  “Eat a huge breakfast. You in?” I smirk.

  “Absolutely,” he grins.

  Thank god Kayla can be a loser, too. Her insecurity truly shocked me until she laid it out for me in terms of me and Z. I really understand now and I totally get it.

  She's even more amazing than I ever believed possible, because if it was me in her shoes with Z and some other female 'best friend' laid out in front of me the way she just described the situation, I would've lost my mind... Again.

  CHAPTER 28

  JULY 22

  After loading the washing machine of my apartment sized washer/dryer combo, I'm done. Sitting with my decaf, reading a magazine, there's nothing left to do.

  When you live alone, your place stays the same unless you change it. There is nothing to tidy if you keep everything the same. And there is nothing to fix up when everything is in its place. Cleaning and laundry are all I have to do each and every day, and obviously I don't do laundry every day. Nope. Laundry for one woman who rarely leaves her apartment is one load max, once a week.

  So I'm done for another week, and I'm bored to tears. Mack isn't coming over today, which is fine! I'm absolutely fine with that. Mack isn't here and I have TV and magazines to keep me company. Oh, and my kindle. Thank god.