This Is Me...

  “So what happened...?” I know this love story has to end- they always do.

  “The following morning we were still together. You were mine and I was yours. We made a promise to each other; we both wanted this new start to our lives together. You wanted to be with me, as much as I wanted to be with you. We talked to each other and we loved each other physically and emotionally. We were together, and I was just so happy.”

  “But what happened...?” I beg desperately.

  “Nothing happened and everything happened. After you promised to never push me away again, you left to meet Kayla for lunch, and that's the end. You were in the car accident, and you've been asleep ever since. I died the moment I got the call, and I've been dying ever since,” he states so calmly while looking at me so intensely.

  “I love you Suzanne so completely that I've become half insane waiting for you to come back to me. And though it's not your fault obviously, I'm just so lost without you. I'm devastated that you don't remember us yet.”

  “I'm so sorry.”

  “Please don't be. You have nothing of be sorry for, and I'm still here, and I'll wait for you. One day you'll have the memories back and you'll know this truth as I've told it. Until then, I'll be here waiting and hoping and reminding you at every turn that I love you, and that I'll always love you. And if we have to start over again, we will. I'll show you my love until you fall in love with me again.”

  “But, what if-”

  “... You are IT for me, Suzanne. As cheesy as this sounds, you're the one for me. I love you, and I will never love another. So keep getting better, and one day you'll remember me, and you'll know I'm telling you the truth. You are the absolute love of my life. You are everything to me,” he exhales.

  Nodding, there is nothing else I can do. I have no words to give him, and really, what could I say? He is so sure and so certain of his love, and I know no different. What could I possibly say to this beautiful man who says he loves me?

  “I hope I remember you soon, because that IS a beautiful story.”

  “I know you will, and so I'll continue waiting. Suzanne, there is nothing between us I won't wait for. There is no struggle I can't endure for you. I love too much.”

  “Thank you,” I breathe on an exhale.

  What do I do now? What should he do now? What the hell will happen now?

  Well, for starters, I'd really like my memories back because if even half of what he just said is true, I WANT to remember him. God, I need to remember him.

  No one has ever loved me like that, and no one has ever waited for me. I am just me, but Z makes me sound like I'm more than that. Z acts like I'm more than just me for him.

  “Thank you,” I whisper again through my tears.

  “Suzanne, just come back to me and you'll see. I'm going to love you so beautifully; you will never feel confused or lonely again. You will know beyond any doubt that you have me to love you, forever.”

  “Okay, I'll try.”

  After a few minutes of silence, Z asks if I would like some time alone, which is EXACTLY what I want. I need to digest all this awesome. I need to start believing all this awesome. This is just too much to believe at once.

  Bending to me, Z suddenly kisses my chest, but not in a pervy way. At first I didn't understand what he was doing so I flinched, but then I understood. He kissed my heart. Wow.

  “I'll be back soon, love.”

  “Okay. Thank you again Z. That was a beautiful story.”

  “I'll see you soon,” he says with a stunning smile as he briefly touches my hand goodbye.

  Watching him walk away, I want to believe him so badly, it's nearly overwhelming. I want to be loved by him. Z just seems so intense, and sexy, and stunning, really. He's like a dream for me, a dream of such intensity, I don't even know if I could handle a man, or a love like that. But god, I want to try.

  Closing my eyes, I try to picture making love with Z. I'm sure it wasn't very good for him, but I imagine HE was spectacular. He has that 'look at me! I'm an intense passionate Italian super sexy lover' thing going for him. He's like the hero from a novel who loves the woman until she can't breathe without him. He looks like he would be a novel lover, for sure.

  Closing my eyes with a little smile on my lips, I imagine us as lovers. I imagine us as a couple. How amazing would that be? It's almost too amazing to believe. Actually, it IS too amazing to believe, but I'm going to try anyway. How could I not?

  CHAPTER 15

  MAY 28

  Okay, so I'm awake AND tired again. I know it's only been a few weeks and every single Doctor I meet explains recovery, and the slow progression back to being myself, but I'm so tired of all this work.

  After another trip to another room- the Physiotherapy room, which incidentally is filled with mirrors WHICH I AVOIDED, I'm finally wheeled back to my room again.

  Dr. Mirabelli, the Doctor of Physiotherapy, or the DPT Specialist, has promised that if I work really hard at the physiotherapy I may have perfect use of my left leg again. I'm not too sure about all the damage because I just can't seem to face looking at it yet. And even though my leg is bandaged with those tight meshy white bandages a few times every day I still haven't been able to look at it.

  Apparently, the Physio is supposed to strengthen my legs, and then I'll be out of the hideous wheelchair they've been using to get me around. I hate the wheelchair, but I can't even really feel my left leg very well, except for this constant pain that just simmers on the surface, so I need it still, because right now the pain is almost more annoying than it is painful.

  Resting on my bed, Dr. Mirabelli has finally left me alone. She is very kind, but very intense sometimes. She reminds me of the other nurse Kayla and Kayla from work with all her demands and her 'take no prisoners' attitude, but she's still really professional and nice to me.

  Maybe she's another Kayla? Huh. Wouldn't that be insane! Kayla Lefferts, Kayla Rinaldi, and Dr. Freakin' Kayla Mirabelli. I swear to god, I'd start laughing. I should ask her first name. Then again, if she actually IS another Kayla, I think I'd lose my mind… totally and completely. What is with that name, anyway?!

  *****

  Getting comfy, I relax into another semi-rest. Christ, I need it. All these physical exertions and tests, and mental tests, and emotional exertions have worn me out. Closing my eyes, I'm ready to sleep until I hear the door open again. Argh...

  Turning my head- MARCUS!

  “Marcus! Where have you been?” Oh my god! He's finally here! The relief I feel is overwhelming. Bursting into tears, I reach out for him as he races to my side.

  “Suzanne, I'm here. I'm so sorry, honey. I'm so sorry I wasn't here when you woke up. There was a situation I was in the middle of but I tried to get away. I swear I tried! I just couldn't get away until now. They wouldn't let me until now!”

  Grasping his arms as tight as I can (which really isn't very tight) I weep on his shoulder while releasing all the tension and confusion I’ve endured since my awake.

  “I'm so glad you're finally here. What the hell is happening? All these strange people are visiting, and Kayla Lefferts from work is saying all this strange stuff, and there's a really nice doctor, and this other guy...” Ooops. Don't go there! “Anyway, I'm so confused all the time.”

  “I know, honey. I know. I'm so sorry and I really did try. But I'm here now. Oh god, I'm so glad to see you awake. I've missed you so much. You are everything to me, Suzanne. Everything!”

  Marcus is suddenly just sobbing all over me. His breath is hitched, and his sobs are mixed with groans of agony. He sounds terrible. THIS is terrible.

  “It’ll be okay, Marcus. I'm awake now,” I say while patting his back.

  “I can't believe you're awake. They t-told me. They said you were, but I just couldn't believe them. I thought you were gone for sure. I was ready for it. I knew you were gone. I knew you had died already so I said all my goodbyes.” He did? Um... not too sure how I feel about that.

  “You did?”
I question.

  “Yes, but it’s good now. You're here. You're alive and awake. So I didn't make a mistake.”

  What mistake? Holy shit, I suddenly feel more confused than I did before.

  “What mistake? What did you think before?”

  “It doesn't matter anymore. You're awake and I'm so happy to have you back. You ARE back with me, right Suzanne?”

  Looking at his face, he seems kind of weird to me- all manic and desperate, or something. He's even holding my arms really tightly. Actually, he's kind of hurting me now. Um...

  “Marcus, what's wrong? Why are you acting so weird with me? Of course I'm back. I mean, I'm out of the coma so I’m going to be alright now, right? I mean, I know my legs are weak and my arm is hurt, but Dr. Mirabelli says I can get my body working again with lots of Physio. So it’ll be fine. I'll be fine, right Marcus?”

  “Yes, everything is fine now. You remember ME, so everything else is going to be fine. I knew you'd remember me. I told them. I told them all you would remember me but they didn't believe me! They didn't!”

  “Who did you tell? My parents? Where are they anyway?”

  “Your parents are on a cruise,” he replies quickly.

  “A cruise?! Oh… do they know I'm awake?”

  “No, not yet. Your parents can't get off the ship right now, so there's no sense telling them because they can't get to you anyway. But I'll tell them soon. Don't worry.” A cruise? Really? Ah, my mother can't get off a cruise? As if.

  “Marcus, that doesn't make sense. My mother is, well, my mother. As if she couldn't get off a cruise if she wanted to. Why are they on a cruise anyway? I mean, I was in a coma. Why wouldn't they postpone it?” Seriously?

  “Non-refundable tickets,” he replies quickly.

  Marcus is suddenly all tense while just kind of staring at me.

  Non-refundable tickets? What the hell? Non-refundable tickets?

  Bursting out laughing, I'm totally shocked. My mother is rich! My parents are rich! My parents are THE Beaumonts for Christ's sake! What the hell kind of cruise is it anyway?

  When Marcus starts shaking me, I silence. Why the hell is he shaking me? I'm just laughing. I mean, who wouldn't? My parents would rather be on a cruise then wait around for, oh, I don’t know… their daughter to wake up from a coma? Who does that?

  “Stop laughing Suzanne. It's very odd, and there's no reason to be laughing.” Oh! Instant silence.

  “Sorry, Marcus. I’m sorry I’m laughing, but I find it strange that my parents left on a cruise when I was in the hospital. And non-refundable tickets? My mother wouldn’t care about that. I'm sure she could have a helicopter fly out to the main deck to pick her up if she wanted. Don't you find that strange?” Giggle.

  “Well, as I said, they don't even know you've woken yet, so it's not all that strange. And they booked the cruise months in advance, and your chances of waking were slim to none, so I'm sure they just needed a get-away.”

  A ‘get-away’? From a comatose daughter? Yes, how very taxing for them to have to stare at me while I SLEPT. Jesus Christ! They are so messed up.

  “Anyway, I'm thrilled you're here, and I can't wait to get you home. Did the Doctors say how long you'll be here? Did they say when you could leave with me? I've missed you terribly.”

  Thank god somebody cares, even if it’s Marcus. Wow. Ooops. That was very ungrateful, I think.

  “No, I don't know when I can leave. I'm not even sure of all the details yet. I know my leg and arm were hurt in the car accident, and I know I need physiotherapy because I'm not very strong yet, but other than that they haven't told me much. But I'd like to go home soon, if that's okay?”

  Crying again, Marcus nods yes. Taking my right hand again, he begins kissing my fingers and rests his head on my hand on my stomach.

  Kissing my stomach, Marcus seems to exhale all his tension. He seems so relieved that I'm awake, and so genuinely happy that I've suddenly never been more grateful for Marcus in all the years we've been together. Thank god I have him in my life.

  “What's wrong Marcus? You seem so upset. And you're not usually this emotional,” I question.

  “I'm just very pleased you're awake and you remember me, and you want to come home with me. That's all.” Huh?

  “Where else would I go? Where else can I go?” What a strange thing to say.

  “Nowhere. Of course you want to come home with me, Suzanne. Just make sure you tell all the doctors and anyone else who stops by that you want to be with me, okay? Make sure everyone knows that you want to be with me, your husband.”

  “I will. But what's wrong? You're telling me things that are so common sense that I feel like they don't make sense. Shit. Does that make sense? Oh! Sorry for swearing.” Shit! Ugh...

  “It’s okay, Suzanne. But please watch your mouth in front of others. I wouldn't want you to get a bad reputation.” Seriously?

  Well, there's my Marcus. At least Marcus is still Marcus, even if every one of those other people keep trying to tell me otherwise.

  “Marcus? Who are all those people? Dr. MacDonald told me he's my personal physician, and the nurse Kayla said she's my good friend from New York. And Kayla from work says she and I are best friends, which seems really weird. And there’s this other man who has visited me. Why are they coming here? Do you know why?” Please know. I have got to make sense of all this confusion.

  “I'm sure the man you're talking about is Mr. Zinfandel. He's close personal friends with Dr. MacDonald, your old co-worker Kayla, and also with the nurse Kayla. They're a charming little ‘foursome’ who have been trying to keep you from me,” he sneers.

  “Why? Why would they keep you from me?”

  “Well, Mr. Zinfandel has become a little obsessed with you...”

  “Why? When? I don't remember him.”

  “I know you don't. But he knows you and your family and he's been working with your grandfather to keep you from me.”

  “Marcus, that doesn't make any sense. I'm no one. I'm just... no one.”

  Staring at Marcus, I'm desperate to understand something around me. Nothing makes sense to me. Nothing! I mean I get I was in a coma, but something should make sense, shouldn't it?

  The last I remember I was working at Petri-Dunn, and spending my evenings with Marcus. There was no time for anything else. I wasn't allowed to do anything else. When did all this happen?

  Marcus looks as perplexed as I feel. His eyes are darting around the room, and he won't make eye contact with me, not that I actually mind, but still. What's going on?

  “Marcus, tell me what's going on, please...”

  Inhaling deeply, Marcus finally turns back to me. Looking straight into my eyes (which I hate) he exhales on a rush, “Um, I don't know how to say this to you, but you were attacked by Mr. Zinfandel and Dr. MacDonald and those two Kaylas are his friends, and they're trying to cover it up, and they're trying to confuse you so you don't remember the truth.” WHAT?!

  “But they said I left you. They said you-”

  “Do I seem like a man whose wife left him? Remember Suzanne, you're confused right now and they're lying to you to protect their friend.”

  I suddenly feel so scared of everything my stomach is in knots. Everything is just so confusing and painful inside me.

  Why would they do that to me? Why would that man attack me? He said he was in love with me and that he would wait forever for me to remember his love. He said we were in love. He said we were a beautiful love story.

  Looking at Marcus, I'm struggling. What happened? What does that mean- he attacked me?

  “He attacked me?” When Marcus nods, I’m shocked. When? How? Oh, god... How bad was it?

  “Did he r-rape me?” I whisper

  “Yes, he did. You're married to me, but he forced himself on you. He raped you and-” WHAT?!

  On a gasp, everything starts spinning. Everything is moving all at once. It feels like an earthquake all around me. I reach for the guardrails and try to hold on. Wh
at the hell is happening to me?

  Looking at Marcus, he's reaching for me and speaking, but I can't hear him. All the noise is so loud in my head. There’s so much noise that I can't hear Marcus anymore. Grabbing for me, I turn my head and see the bad man standing in the doorway with Dr. MacDonald. Oh GOD!

  My mouth opens on a silent scream. Wider and wider, my mouth screams. But there is no sound. There is only this chaos of noise in my head. Screaming silently, I shake my head at the man.

  There is no help for me. There is no one here with me. I am alone in my head, and It’s. Just. So. Loud. I need help!

  Looking fast, I see the bad man hit Marcus, and I see the Doctor push the bad man away. I see them stop and look at me. I see them watch me, but all I hear is sound.

  Staring at the bad man I remember the pain. I remember all the ripping and the tearing and the screams and all the RED! There's red everywhere! I'm covered in it!

  The noise is overwhelming, and the red is blurring my vision. I am so lost but there is nothing in me but sound. I can't feel anything. I can't feel at all.

  As the bad man reaches for me, Marcus stands deathly still with his hands over his ears. He's not helping me!

  The Doctor is beside me, doing stuff to my body and tubes and buttons. He's touching me all over while his lips move like he’s talking to me. Shaking my head no, I can’t hear him.

  The bad man is beside me and I think he’s yelling at me. He is shaking me, but I can't feel him. I will never feel him again. I will never feel again.

  Closing my mouth and staring at his dark eyes my sudden silence seems to silence the entire room.

  “Please, d-don't rape me again...” I beg on a gasp.