The Deer Park: A Play

  “I’d like to talk to you about that, Mr. T.,” Teddy said quickly.

  “We’ll talk about that, we’ll go all into it, but now’s not the time. You just remember, Teddy, that you’re an idol of the American public, and an idol never needs to worry about money so long as he’s clean with his public.”

  Teppis poured himself a glass of water, and drank it slowly as if he would measure the taste. “I know a young fellow like you with the world at his feet,” he went on, “there’s a lot of times he don’t want to get married. ‘Why should I get married?’ he says to himself, ‘What’s in it for me?’ Teddy, I’ll tell you, there’s a lot in it for you. Just think. The whole world is in a strait jacket so it says, ‘You, over there, you get in a strait jacket, too.’ Know why? The world hates a bachelor, he’s not popular. People try to drag him down. The stories you hear, ninety-nine per cent of the time unfounded, but I’d be ashamed, I couldn’t look you in the eye to tell you the kind of stories I have to listen to. It’s enough to revolt your stomach. I hear a story like that, I let them have it. ‘Don’t tell me that kind of filth about Teddy,’ I say, ‘I don’t want to hear it. If the boy don’t want to get married, it got nothing to do with all those dirty rotten stories you tell me, period.’ That’s how definite I am. People know me, they say, ‘H.T. is on record as being against slander.’ ”

  Abruptly, Teppis pounded his desk. “A rumor about a fellow like you, it spreads like hot cakes. We get letters from your fan clubs all over the place. Kokoshkosh, towns like that. Small-town America. Two-Bits, Kansas. You see what I mean? What do you want? You know what those letters say, they say that the members of the Teddy Pope fan club are brokenhearted cause they heard the most terrible stories about Teddy. Their loyalty is shaken. Listen, Teddy, I go to your defense, you know why? It isn’t because of business reasons, or because I know you for a long time, or even because I like you, although I do. It’s because I know deep down that you’re going to prove I’m right, and I wouldn’t go to bat for a person even if they meant a million dollars to me if I didn’t think they would prove that H.T. is right in the long run. That’s confidence. Should I put that confidence in you?” Teppis held up a finger. “Don’t answer, you don’t even have to answer, I know I can put confidence in you.” He got up and walked to the window.

  “You know something, I’ve had my confidence rewarded already. I took a look in the papers. That picture of you and Lulu where you’re holding hands in Desert D’Or. It’s one of the most beautiful, impressive, and touching things I’ve ever seen. Young love, that’s what it said. It made me wish that same famous painter on my wall was still alive so I could hire him to paint the photograph of the young love of you and Lulu.”

  “Mr. Teppis,” Teddy said, “that was a publicity picture.”

  “Publicity! Listen, do you know how many of the most successful marriages in this industry started with just publicity? I’ll tell you. The answer is ninety-nine per cent of the most successful marriages began just that way. It’s like a dowry in the old country. I know you, Teddy, you’re a clean-cut boy. I’ve seen a lot of photographs. I don’t believe that you and Lulu can look at each other like two love-doves and be fakers. Don’t try to tell me Lulu isn’t crazy about you. That girl is wearing her heart on her sleeve. Teddy, I’ll tell you, Lulu is one of the finest girls I know. She’s a real fine American-type girl of real American stock. Such a woman is a gift of God. When I look at my mother’s picture on this very desk, you know what I get? Inspiration. I carry her picture next to my heart. You should be able to do the same.”

  Teddy was perspiring. He leaned forward to say something, and said no more than, “Mr. Teppis—you have to allow me the right to say …”

  “Stop!” said Teppis, “I don’t want to hear your ideas. You’re a stubborn boy. Why are you so stubborn when you know what’s in your heart? You want to agree with me. But you’re confused. You need a man like myself to set you straight.”

  In a quiet voice, Teddy said, “Mr. Teppis, you know very well I’m a homosexual.”

  “I didn’t hear it, I didn’t hear it,” Teppis screamed.

  “That’s the way I am,” Teddy muttered. “There’s nothing to be done about it. What is, is.”

  “Philosophy?” Teppis shouted. “You listen to me. If a man sits in … shit, he don’t know enough to get out of it?”

  “Mr. Teppis, don’t you have a big enough heart to understand my feelings?”

  “You’re the most ungrateful boy I ever knew. You keep me up nights. What do you think, sex it’s the whole world? I forget what you said, do you understand? I wouldn’t want it on my conscience. You watch. I’ll drive you right out of the movie business.”

  “Let me try to say …”

  “Lulu, that’s what you got to say. I know what goes on. You’re a coward. You got a chip against society. You should love society with all it’s done for you. I love society. I respect it. Teddy, you’re a sick boy, but you and me can lick this thing together.” Teppis held up a fist. “I don’t want to persecute you, but I never heard of anything so perverted in my whole life.”

  The buzzer sounded. “All right, all right,” Teppis said into the interoffice phone, “you tell the party in question to wait. I’ll be with that individual in a minute.”

  “Mr. Teppis,” Teddy said, “I’m sorry. Maybe I’d like to have children, but I’ve never once had relations with a woman.”

  Teppis clicked the switch back to its “off” position, and stared for many seconds at Teddy Pope. “Teddy, we’ve talked a lot,” he said. “What I want is that you promise me you won’t make up your mind ahead of time that you personally aren’t able to boff a beautiful sexy girl like Lulu. Do I have to be there to help you? I’m telling you, you can. That’s all I ask of you, Teddy, don’t make up your mind. Sleep on it. Is that a bargain?”

  Pope shrugged wearily.

  “That’s the boy. That’s Teddy Pope talking.” Teppis walked him to the door. “Now, Teddy, nobody is forcing you into anything. If you said yes this very minute, I would still say, ‘Teddy, sleep on it.’ Now, could anybody claim I was trying to push you into a single thing?”

  “Who would dare?”

  “You’re right. I don’t force people. Never. I talk things over with them. Someday, Teddy, you’re going to say, ‘God bless you, H.T.’ ”

  Once Teddy was out the door, Teppis flipped the buzzer again. “All right, send Lulu in,” he said. He waited by the door to greet her and held Lulu at arm’s length while he looked at her. “I wish I could tell you the kind of pleasure it is to have you lightening up this office,” he said to her. “Sweetie, you take a load off all my worries, and on that desk are sitting one thousand worries.” Now, he held her hands. “I love a girl like you who brings sunshine into this room.”

  Probably Lulu had managed to look no more than seventeen. “I love you, too, Mr. T.,” she said in her husky little voice.

  “I know you do. Every one of my stars, they tell me that. But with you, I know it’s sincere.” He guided her to the chair in which Teddy had been sitting, and from a drawer in the Italian desk, he took out a bottle of whisky and dropped some ice cubes in a glass.

  “Oh, Mr. T., I’m not drinking these days,” said Lulu.

  “Nonsense. I know you. Sweetie, you got no respect for me. You think you can twist me around your little finger,” he said cordially. “Well, I got news for you. There’s no man in the world you can’t twist around your finger. But I understand you, sweetie, I’m crazy about you. I don’t want you thinking you got to take a drink behind my back.”

  “I think you’re the only man who understands me, H.T.,” Lulu said.

  “You’re wrong. Nobody can understand you. Know why? You’re a great woman. You’re not only a great actress but there’s greatness in you as a person—fire, spirit, charm—those are the sort of things you have. I wouldn’t want this to get around, but I don’t care if you take a drink. You’ve earned the right to do anything yo
u want.”

  “Except when I disagree with you, H.T.,” Lulu said.

  “I love you. What a tongue. You got impetuosity. I say to myself, ‘H.T., what is there about Lulu that’s smash box office?’ and I don’t even have to ask myself the answer. It’s in a word. Life,” Teppis said, pointing a finger at her, “that’s what Lulu’s got.”

  He poured himself a small drink and sipped it politely. “You’re wondering why I asked you up here?” he said after a pause. “I’ll tell you. I’ve been thinking about you. Know my personal opinion of Lulu Meyers? She’s the greatest actress in this country, and this country’s got the greatest actors in the whole world.”

  “You’re the greatest actor in the world, Mr. T.,” Lulu said.

  “I take it as a compliment. But you’re wrong, Lulu, I can’t act. I’m too sincere. I feel things too deeply which I can’t express. There’re nights when I stay awake worrying about you. You know what eats my heart out? It’s that I’m not the American public. If I was the American public, I’d make you Number One on the Bimmler Ratings. You know what you are now?”

  “Seventeen, isn’t it, Mr. T.?”

  “Seventeen. Can you believe it? There are sixteen actors in this country the American public buys ahead of you. I don’t understand it. If I was the public I’d buy Lulu Meyers all the way.”

  “Why can’t there be ten million people like you, H.T.?” Lulu said. She had finished her drink, and after a little pause, walked up to the desk and poured herself another.

  “Lulu, do you know your Bimmler last year? It was twelve. This year you should have gone up, not down. Up to ten, to eight. Three, Number One, that’s the way it should have gone.”

  “Mr. Teppis, maybe I’m a has-been.”

  Teppis held up his hand. “Lulu, for a remark like that, I ought to take you over my knee and spank you.”

  “Oh, Mr. T., what a construction I could put on that.”

  “Ha, ha. Ha, ha. I’m crazy about you. Lulu, listen to me. The trouble is you’re weak, publicity-wise.”

  “I’ve got the best press agent in the country,” she said quickly.

  “You think you can buy publicity? Good publicity is a gift of God. The time is past, Lulu, when any sort of girl, you’ll see I’m speaking frankly, the kind of girl who’s so-called friends with this man and friends with that man until she’s notorious. The public wants what’s respectable today. You know why? Life ain’t respectable any more. Think they want to be reminded of that? Let me show you psychology. Ten years ago, a woman she was faithful to her husband, she wanted excitement, she wanted to dream she was having a big affair with a star—Lulu, I wouldn’t talk so frankly to any other person on earth. Today, you know what, that same woman she has boyfriends all over the place, with the man who fixes the television set, people like that. You think she wants to see somebody just like herself on the screen, somebody just as nuts as she is? She don’t. She’s ashamed of herself. She wants to see a woman she can respect, a married woman, a royal couple, the Number One married lovers of America. That’s true psychology.”

  Lulu shifted in her seat. “H.T., you should have been a marriage broker.”

  “You tell me that all the time—I’ll tell you something. If you could be married to the right kind of boy, let me give you an example, to a star let’s say with a Seven Bimmler, a Nine Bimmler, you know what? You think you’d come out with a Bimmler the average between the two of you, you wouldn’t, you’d end up with the two highest Bimmlers in the country. Know why? Two plus two don’t make four. It makes five, and five makes ten. That’s compound interest. You think about it. The right kind of marriage is better than compound interest. Lulu Meyers and anybody, Joe McGoe, I don’t care what the man’s name is just so he has a high Bimmler, and then you have the Number One royal couple of America, and America is the world, that’s where you’d be.”

  Teppis blew a kiss at Lulu. “You’re my darling, do you know that? You’re my A-1 darling.”

  “I hope so, H.T.”

  “You take this young fellow of yours, what’s his name, this Shamus Sugar-boy fellow.”

  “You mean Sergius.”

  “I’ve looked into him. He’s a nice boy. I like him. I’d hire him. Not for acting, you understand, but some sort of work, moving sets around, driving a truck, he’s the kind of boy who’d be good for that, sincere, well-meaning maybe, but I think about him with you, and you know what I decide? Lulu, that boy is not for you. He’s insignificant. He would drag you down. I don’t care how many planes he says he shot, he’s a bum, that’s the sort of person he is.”

  “Oh, you don’t have to disparage Sergius, Mr. T.,” said Lulu, “he’s very sweet.”

  “Sweet boys, a dime a dozen. He’s a kid. You’re a woman. That’s the difference. I think we understand each other. What I want to say is something I got in mind that’s going to stun you. Want to know who I think you should marry?”

  “I can never know what you think, Mr. Teppis.”

  “Guess. Go ahead, guess.”

  “Tony Tanner,” Lulu said.

  “Tony Tanner? Lulu, I’m ashamed of you. I looked up his Bimmler myself. One hundred and eighty-nine, that’s what a nobody he is. It’s a disgrace for a woman not to value herself. I got somebody better to think about. I don’t want you to say a word, I want you to sleep on it. Teddy Pope, what do you say?”

  Lulu came to her feet. She made a small demonstration of opening and closing her mouth. “I’m shocked, Mr. T.,” she said at last.

  “Sit down. I’ll tell you something. Maybe you don’t know it. I got no desire to hide it from you. Teddy Pope is a homosexual. It makes you wonder, don’t it? Could H.T. be the kind of man who gets down on his hands and knees to beg a beautiful girl like you to marry a faggola?”

  “You could never be that kind of man,” Lulu said. “You’re too respectable and upright.”

  “Let’s not get off the sidetrack. I want you to answer me one question as honest as you can. Do you admit, paying no attention for the moment to your personal life, that to be married to Teddy Pope, wouldn’t that be the biggest benefit you could bestow on yourself, publicity-wise? The Number One couple of America. Say I’m right.”

  “I can’t say you’re right, Mr. Teppis.” Lulu rattled the ice cubes in her glass, and in a voice which mimicked him, she added, “I think you’re being selfish.”

  “Nobody else in the whole world could say that to me.”

  “I ought to cry,” Lulu said. “I’ve told everybody you’re like a father.”

  “Don’t hurt my feelings, Lulu.”

  “H.T., I feel as if things can never be the same between us.”

  “To talk like that,” Teppis exclaimed. “It’s disgraceful. After all I’ve done for you.”

  Lulu began to weep. “I don’t like Teddy,” she said in a little voice.

  “Like him! You stop crying. I know you, Lulu, and I’ll tell you something. Teddy Pope is the only man you could ever be in love with. You think I’m crazy. You’re wrong. Just cause he’s a homo, you think it’s an insult to you. But I’m an old man, I know people. You and Teddy can hit it off. He’s been hurt, he’s got a delicate heart, there’s a lot for an actress to learn from him about the subtleties of human nature. Lulu, you’re the woman who could straighten him out, and then he’d worship the ground you walk on.”

  Lulu put a handkerchief to her eyes. “I hate you, H.T.,” she sobbed.

  “You hate me! You love me, that’s why you hate to listen to me. But I’ll let you know something. You’re a coward. A girl with your looks, your appeal, should rise to a challenge. You’re the most attractive girl I ever saw in my life. It don’t mean nothing if you get a young healthy nobody excited about the kind of woman you are. That’s beneath you. It’s like a Hercules award for doing ping-pong. That’s the sort of ridiculous thing it is. But think of the respect people would have if you could make a man out of Teddy Pope.”

  “And what if I couldn’t?” Lulu sai
d.

  “You’re defeated before you start. I’m disappointed.”

  “Mr. Teppis, I’ll quote you: ‘Look around before you take a step. There could have been dogs in the grass.’ That’s what you said, H.T., I have witnesses.”

  “You make me miserable. I thought you were a gambler like me.”

  Tears ran down her cheeks. “H.T., I want to get married,” she said in a tremulous voice. “I want to love just one man and have a beautiful mature relationship and have beautiful children and be a credit to the industry.”