I Am Her...

  "I don't understand. I'm here with you, right now. I don't know what you mean."

  "Sweetheart, its 6:15. I'm assuming you didn’t enter the shower at 5:00, or even minutes before, therefore, again I'm assuming you must have been sitting in that shower for at least 2 hours." What?!

  "Um, I think I jumped in the shower around 4:15ish. Wow. That was 2 hours ago. Weird. It didn't feel that long."

  "No. I can't imagine it did."

  Z and I seem to have another long pause, with nothing but silence in the room. I don’t know what to say, and I don’t know how to explain my shower incident. Everything just feels a little confused and distant to me.

  "How do you feel, Sweetheart?"

  "Good, why?"

  "Well, you’re a little dazed, horribly water logged, and you have hurt your spine, quite painfully."

  "I'm fine, Z. Honestly. I'm not sure why I sat on the shower floor for so long though. I barely remember it. I do remember my vanilla-jasmine body wash though."

  Oh, I have to put the matching lotion on, or it won't work! I have to have both! "Oh, no! Where’s my lotion? I need it, Z. I have to put it on after the shower, or it's not right. Do you know where it is?! Can you help me find it?! Please!" This is so upsetting. I have to have the lotion, to finish.

  "Hold on, love. I'll get it for you."

  "Thank you. You're very nice, Z," I breathe through my relief

  Returning from the bathroom, Z holds up my lotion. Yes! That's it, I nod. "May I put it on you? I would love to." He would? What guy likes that?

  "Marcus would never do that..." I whisper.

  "Ahhh… but I'm not Marcus."

  "Oh, okay." Shit. Breathe. I'm holding my breath again.

  "Breath, Sweetheart. I'm not going to hurt you, or touch you inappropriately, I promise." Well, that’s good... and disappointing.

  "Okay. Thank you."

  Sliding back on the bed behind me, Z tugs gently at my towel to lower it on my back. Gripping the folded panel tightly in the hand at my breasts, I try to relax. When the cold lotion hits my shoulders, I jump and giggle a little. Turning to look at him, Z smiles a cheeky little grin.

  "You did than on purpose."

  He’s smirking. "Yes I did. Now relax please. I've already made my promise to you."

  "I'll try," I whisper as I turn away from his grin.

  Z's hands are incredible. He uses just enough pressure on my shoulders and neck to be firm, but not painful. This is heaven. I've always wanted a massage, but it felt kind of dirty to me. Plus, Marcus would have thought it was obscene and even somewhat self-involved of me.

  "Stop thinking and just enjoy. Would you like to lie down so I can do your back while you’re lying on the bed?" Yes. Yes, I would.

  "Um, okay..." and turning I can't help the huge flinch and groan, as my spine feels like it has been broken and set on fire from the inside.

  "Relax, love. Breathe through the pain for me." Oh, his voice is so calming, it nearly takes away my pain.

  Once on my stomach, I feel Z tug the towel down even lower. Suddenly, grasping for the back of the towel, I'm afraid my butt is showing.

  Gasping, the pain from my quick movement to my spine is absolutely stunning, and Z just waits until I calm down. He hasn't lowered my towel too far, and I probably should have trusted that he wouldn't do that to me. God, I'm such a jerk. He has been very honest with me, and has yet to break a promise. Why can't I trust him? Why can't I just relax?

  "Stop thinking, love," he growls.

  "Sorry... I'm trying. I really am. But I have all these thoughts in my head, all over the place, and I can't seem to make them stop."

  "Try inhaling and thinking the word 'in', while on each exhale you think the word 'out'. It's a modified version of the Relaxation Response by Herbert Benson and it's very helpful. Every time your mind wanders, force it back to the two words 'in' and 'out', until it becomes automatic with your breathing."

  "Okay..."

  Inhale, 'in' and exhale 'out'. I wonder if I'm doing this right. It seems way to easy, maybe I should practice for a while. Shit. Okay. Try again. Inhale 'in', exhale 'out'... 'In', 'out'. 'In', 'out'... Hey I'm doing pretty well. SHIT. Stop thinking! God, I'm terrible at this.

  "Sweetheart, you’re still thinking. Please keep trying. It takes a while to calm your mind. There is no right or wrong way, so stop thinking you’re doing it wrong. Just breathe, and repeat the two words in your head."

  Z's hands are magic. I can feel him kneading my arms, down to my palms, and back up to my shoulders. Everything feels good. I am surrounded by vanilla-jasmine and the scent is so soothing, I'm in heaven. He is careful to avoid the middle of my back, but he works the sides of my back, and my shoulder blades in long sweeping motions.

  Making his way down the bed, I flinch again when I feel his hands on my thighs. I know his hands are under the towel a little, so my body isn't actually showing, but I hate it. I don't want him to know what my heavy thighs feel like- Not that he doesn't already. Oh, god. He’s put my thighs on his shoulders before... Shit! Today. That was today?

  Getting back to breathing 'in' and 'out' I'm relaxing slightly. When Z moves down to my calves, I'm much better. My calves are much better. This, I can handle.

  Once he touches my feet, I moan; an actual moan. How embarrassing. I hear his chuckle, but I don't bother looking. I'm sure I'm beet-red with my moaning blush. Damn, this is awesome. I never knew a foot massage could feel like this. I'm going to have one everyday... if Marcus lets me.

  "Turn over, Sweetheart." WHAT?! I can't!

  "Um... But..."

  "You’re still covered, and I did promise not to touch you inappropriately, remember?"

  "Yes. I'm sorry. I've just never had a massage before, so I didn't know you did the front as well..."

  "Never? Not even by your husband?"

  "Um, no. I don't really like to be touched, and Marcus doesn't really like to touch me, so it kind of worked out well." Laugh. Oh, I couldn't help that one, as I gently turn over onto my back.

  "I'm pleased to hear that. Your husband doesn't know what he's missing. Your skin is so soft; it's a delight to touch. And I'm honored that you’re allowing me to touch you."

  There is nothing to say to that. He likes the feel of my skin? Well, I like the feel of his hands on my skin. So that kind of worked out well, too.

  Rising on the bed, he once again begins rubbing, massaging and moisturizing my shoulders, neck, and the top of my chest. Inhaling the vanilla-jasmine makes me smile to myself. This is so nice.

  "Why are you smiling?" Z grins at me.

  "Well, because I love this scent all around me, and because you like touching my skin, and my skin likes to be touched by you. So it's the opposite of Marcus. And it's really nice..."

  "That IS nice. I'm glad I'm the opposite of your husband. And yes, I very much like touching your skin, everywhere." He says with another smirk. Oh. Blush. Dammit. Look away! "Please don't look away from me. I love your eyes, and I love them on me."

  "I'm embarrassed..."

  "Why? Because a man desires you?"

  "Do you? Um, desire me?" Major blush. Shut up!

  "Very much so. And I look forward to showing you another time. But right now, I just want to touch you and make you smile, as you've been."

  "Okay," I sigh.

  Z moves down the bed to my legs. Why does the front of my thighs seem worse than the backs? My whole body goes rigid. Ugh. He could see me down there if he looks. I hate this.

  "I'm not looking at your pussy, love..." Flinch. “…Please relax."

  "Okay. It's just, I feel..."

  "Vulnerable? Exposed? Nearly naked?"

  "Yes, that about covers it. I don't really do naked ever. I don't like it, so..."

  "You feel horribly uncomfortable that I may see your body naked?"

  "Yes." I'm blushing again, I know it. "Yes. Marcus said I had big thighs and a big butt, so I just kind of stayed clothed… always." God, this is so emba
rrassing.

  "Marcus is an ass. You are lovely. You’re all soft, and voluptuous. Your breasts fill my hands perfectly, and your hips and ass were made for holding. I want you to believe me when I say there is nothing wrong with your body, AT ALL. As a matter of fact, I'm desperately fighting the urge, right now, to slide my hands under your towel. I'm dying to touch you. I need to touch you..." Oh! Well... if he’s dying... "…I want to see your body. I want to feel your breasts fill my hands. I want to taste you again. I've been dying for another taste..." HOLY SHIT! "…But for now, I will try to massage away some of your tension." Oh... okay. Good. Dammit.

  Down my thighs and calves, Z never touches me inappropriately. EVER. It’s kind of annoying, actually. NOT that I want to be touched, but jeez... Just a little?

  When he gets to my feet again, I'm in heaven. I feel his touch everywhere. My whole body seems to react to his rub, knead, and touch. This is awesome.

  "Can I keep you on retainer for this?" I ask with a grin.

  Laughing at me, "No. Foot massages are on the house. As is my voice for you. Now, be quiet and enjoy it while it lasts..."

  "Okay..." And quieting, I feel all soft and floaty. I love this...

  ==========

  "What happened earlier, Sweetheart? When I found you in the shower?"

  "When you found me in the shower...?" What is he talking about?

  "Yes. Do you remember when I found you?"

  "I wasn't in the shower..." Was I? Oh. My. God. I was!

  Jumping up, I cover myself better and yell, "I forgot! I forgot you saw me naked! Oh my god. I'm so sorry! Oh! Who was the other guy?" Looking around frantically, it's like I expect the other man to be in the closet or something. Shit! I can't breathe.

  "Stop! Take a deep breath right now. Don't do this. Please..." he sounds like he actually cares.

  "I-I'm sorry. I'm try-ing to breathe." My breathing calms slightly at his request.

  "What happened? You seemed well earlier, I'd say even happy. You seemed to have calmed down some from all your upset this week. You seemed okay with our time together. But when I found you, you were so... lost. What was it? I need you to tell me. What were you thinking about? Did I push you too hard?"

  "Who was the other man?" I'm desperate. How many people have seen me naked?

  "Stop deflecting. He was no one- just the hotel manager. He helped me into the room, when I said there may be a problem, and that I had forgotten my key-card. He is irrelevant. But the why of your upset and confusion is not. Please, trust me enough to tell me. What were you thinking about?"

  Do I tell him the truth? What the hell do I say? I can’t even think clearly about all the reasons. What do I confess to this lovely man? Dammit, the silence is dragging but Z is just patiently waiting for me to speak.

  "I was thinking about many things actually. I was thinking about my engagement and marriage. I was thinking about all the disappointments in my life. I was thinking about all the times I was a disappointment in my life. I was thinking about how I will disappoint you, and when and how you will walk away from me... Not that I blame you! I'm not trying to guilt you or anything. You want the truth, and that's it, basically…

  “…I don't know why I stopped functioning, and I don't know why I flipped out in the shower. I don't know why I can't remember any of that time either. I'm so sorry I ever got you involved in any of this stuff. I'm not right anymore. I'm not good. I'm not really in control anymore. But I used to be, I used to be really good. I was controlled and well-bred. Um, now though, I'm just a woman who sits on a shower floor for hours, and let's strange men see her naked."

  Christ! I may as well finish. "I'm not good, Z. And you really, really should leave quickly. Actually, I WANT you to leave. Please. I'm very tired, and I would like to sleep now. Could you please just go? If you want I'll call you later, or tomorrow or sometime. Please... Please just leave now. I'm really tired and embarrassed and I just want to sleep for a while. Please?" Jeez... That was a mouthful, but I still feel terrible inside.

  "No. I'm not leaving, and you're not resting. I think that's part of the problem. Every time you start to think about your life, you close down and sleep. I want you awake. I want you to talk to me about all your 'stuff' as you call it. I told you I'm not leaving, and I meant it. You can fight me if you would like, but the end result will still be the same- I'm not leaving, Sweetheart."

  "Are you STUPID or something?!" What?! Did I just say that? How rude! "I'm sorry."

  "No. I'm not stupid, and that was fairly rude. But I think I'll forgive you again, for momentary fits of rudeness under the circumstances." Is he smiling at me? Smiling? "What would you like to eat? I doubt we’re going out for dinner, so I'll just order in."

  Food? As if I could eat right now. I’m all weird and kind of confused still and my head is spinning and my back is killing me, and…

  "I'm not really hungry. I'm tired, Z. Please...”

  "Either you choose, or I do. What would you like for dinner? Something conservative, like a nice pasta? Something greasy, like a yummy cheeseburger? Or something healthy and boring, I might add, like a tragic salad? Personally, I'm opting for the greasy cheeseburger, with fries." Seriously? A greasy cheeseburger? Z so doesn't look like the greasy cheeseburger type.

  "Okay. A cheeseburger, with fries." Damn. Now he knows why I have a big butt and thighs.

  After calling in our order, Z asks, "Would you like to get dressed? I could slip into the washroom to give you some privacy."

  "Yes, please. I hate feeling like this." Exposed! Almost naked! Slutty!

  "No problem."

  And turning, Z leaves me to scramble for the dresser drawers. Ow! My back kills when I move. Pulling out black yoga pants and a black cami, with, naturally, a little black cardigan to cover up my butt, I finally relax... a little.

  Pulling on my clothes, the pain in my back is still shocking. I am actually SHOCKED by the intensity of the physical pain.

  "Are you dressed?" He asks through the door.

  "Yes. You can come out now." And as Z exits the washroom he takes in my outfit from head to toe with a grin.

  "Very cute, Sweetheart. You look very petite without your heels. And I love your hair piled on top of your head like that. Your hair just begs to be wrapped around a fist. You're quite the little sex-kitten, aren't you?"

  "What? No. Of course not! I don't do sex, and I'm certainly not the sex-kitten type." There!

  "We'll see...” he murmurs.

  ==========

  Waiting for the food, I decide to check my messages. Turning from Z, I’m shocked to see 14 missed calls. Wow. My parents-ick, Marcus-prick, Kayla-bitch, and Z. Wow. Z called 6 times between 5 and 6 o'clock. Jeez... Obsess much?

  "There are many calls from me there. I became a little frantic when you wouldn't answer your door, but I could see your car was still in the lot." That's nice and strange.

  "I'm sorry, I didn't hear the phone."

  "No worries. Everything worked out fine. I'm glad I found you when I did though. Otherwise, you may have eventually drowned in the shower."

  I think he's joking, until I look over and I’m absolutely stunned by his expression. Z looks so sad, and kind of lost himself.

  "I really am sorry. I wasn't trying to hurt myself or anything. I would have answered, but I didn't know my phone was ringing."

  This is awful. I feel like such a loser right now. And Z looks like I frightened him or something. What an ass I am.

  "I hope you weren't trying to hurt yourself, or anything. But honestly, Sweetheart, if you ever find yourself feeling like you DO want to hurt yourself, please... please promise me you’ll call me so I can help you. I don't like this feeling, and I really don't like the thought of anything bad happening to you. Promise me, okay?"

  "I'm not like that, Z. I don't do drama like that."

  "Promise me! I want you to promise that you will call me if you ever feel confused, or like you want to hurt yourself, or like you just want to slee
p for a long time. Say it. Promise me!" He looks awful and mad at me.

  "I promise. Please don't be mad at me. I didn't mean to do anything wrong. I'm really sorry." Whispering my words, my throat chokes up, and I feel like crying.

  He’s like this super sexy, nice man, and I’ve upset and frightened him. I feel really bad about it, though I didn’t do it on purpose.

  "Come here, Sweetheart." And when I can't move for my sadness, Z demands... "Now. Come here, now." Wow. Dominant much? Jeez…

  Slowly walking to him, Z pulls me onto his lap, and hugs me. He actually hugs me. I don't think I’ve ever been hugged like this in my life. Actually, I don't think I've ever been hugged in my life. This is so soothing I barely even feel my back right now. Z smells wonderful, and he’s so warm. Actually, I’m overcome with his feeling of... warmth. I want to soak up his warmth, and I want to cry.

  "Cry, love. Cry for your sadness, and cry for the fear I felt today. Please, just cry, so you can free us both of all this sadness today."

  Oh god, I never had a chance. Snuggling closer, I just let go. My tears fall, and my breath hitches, and my heart hurts. I feel good in Z's arms but my heart is still aching. Why is that?

  He is so nice and kind to me. Yet, I can't trust his motives at all. What are his motives? What’s he going to gain from all this? I can't stop my tears. I don't understand any of this.

  Still sobbing, I finally tell him in a whisper, "I don't trust you. I'm s-sorry, but I don't know what your motive is. What is it? Please, Z. Please, tell me your motivation for being here, so I can understand what's happening. I can't handle any more surprises. I can't handle any more p-pain. And I can't stand anymore weakness. Please, tell me what you want from me. Why are you here? Why are you doing this to me?"

  I sound so pathetic that I should be embarrassed by my words, but I just can't feel embarrassment right now. I feel only sadness and confusion in Z's arms.