I Am Her...

  Z is shaking his head and smirking a little. He really does appear to dislike all things Upper Class.

  "So what happened to me? I don't remember anything."

  "Look, Mack's going to be here any minute, and he would like to talk to you about it all, but just know you're going to make a full recovery, and you’re going to get better."

  "Z. What happened? Please tell me." I try to open my eyes wider so I can really see his face, but it just hurts my head too much.

  Z seems to be thinking about what to tell me. It must be bad if he’s pausing to think. Z is always the type who knows exactly what to say, and when to say it. This must be really bad then.

  "You had surgery, sweetheart. You had a small aneurism rupture in your brain, but you're fine now. You've been in a medically-induced coma for over 2 weeks while your brain recovered, but you’re much better now. You’ll heal. Your vision will be fine, and you’ll feel much better soon." Wow. Really?

  “An aneurism? That’s weird; I didn’t feel like I had one.” Oh, duh. What a stupid thing to say.

  “Listen to me, I will tell you anything and everything, but just not right now. I need you to try to focus, as hard as you can.”

  “I am focusing as hard as I can. I had an aneurism, ya know?” Okay, he didn’t like that joke much. Too soon? Apparently, going by Z’s look.

  “Come on, sweetheart. We're running out of time here. Once your family knows you're awake, they’ll move you back to the hospital in Chicago. You need to talk to me, quickly."

  "I'm sorry... I'm trying. My head feels so heavy and kind of like I'm drunk or something." I can't open my eyes fully, but I can still talk.

  "I know. I'm sorry. But it's crucial that you talk to me before they find out you're awake. Please, try very hard. I'm going to ask Mack to come here, okay?"

  "Who's that?" Mack? That seems familiar, but not really.

  "Do you remember anything about the last time you were at my house? Do you remember what happened there?"

  "No... Oh! Do you mean when we were together?" Oh, I can still blush, even with my eyes closed.

  "Ah, no... Not that. Though that was pretty unforgettable." Oh god! His smile-voice.

  "You sound the same. I love your voice..."

  "Focus, sweetheart. My friend met you at my home. He helped you. He brought you to this hospital and he's been monitoring you before and after the surgery. Do you remember Mack at all? He was very nice and very kind to you. He's my friend. Do you remember anything?"

  "No. I'm sorry."

  "Okay. That's okay. But I'm going to call him to visit you. You'll like him. You liked him when you met him. Just let him come see you, okay?"

  "Okay...." God, I'm tired. "I need to sleep now."

  "NO! Stay awake, love. This is very important. Please stay awake. Mack will be here in a few minutes. He works at this hospital."

  I think Z is calling his friend. I'm in a hospital? What did Z say about my brain? Oh! Is my hair gone? I wish I could get my arms to work better. I hope my hair isn't gone.

  "Do I still have my hair?" Please.

  "Um, not all of it. But it’ll grow back. It's just a small part near the front that's missing." I hear Z in the background. Is he talking to his friend?

  My hair is missing? My mother will be so thrilled. She’ll try to force me to cut it all off now. She hated my hair. She hated my short frumpy body. She hated my clothes. She hated so much about me. My mother really did hate me. I think I'm crying.

  "Why are you crying, sweetheart? Mack and I are going to do everything we can to help you. I promise."

  "It's not that. My hair is missing..."

  "What? Yes, but as I said, only a little bit near the front. It’ll grow back. I need you to focus. Mack and I have to ask you some important questions."

  Whispering, "I know my hair will grow back. I don't really care about it. It's just my mother. She hated my long hair... she hated me. Always."

  "I don't think she hates you. I just think she isn't a very nice person, or a very good mother."

  "That's not it. She told me she wishes I was dead..." What?

  "What? When? Tell me when."

  "I don't remember when, but I know she did. I can remember what I was wearing."

  "Hi. Welcome back. How are you feeling?" Flinch.

  "Who, who are you?" That voice...

  "It's Dr. Michael McDonald. Mack. Do you remember meeting me?"

  "Um, no. I'm sorry. Z? Who is he?"

  "Sweetheart, this is my good friend, Mack. I asked him to join us here. He met you at my house a few weeks ago. Can you try to remember him? Mack is your friend."

  "I don't have any friends."

  "Yes, you do. I'm your friend, and so is Mack. We want to help you."

  Nope. I have no friends. I'm not doing this anymore. I'm too tired, and too sad. I don't want anyone tricking me anymore. I'm done with them all.

  "Could you please leave now? I really don't want to talk to either of you anymore. I just want to sleep."

  "We have to talk to you, to help you. You're in a potentially bad situation with your family, and Mack and I want to try to help you."

  "I want to see my family now. Please? I want my parents and husband. Can you please leave?"

  "Listen to me very closely. Right now, I am your doctor. I am trying to help you, but if you push me away, your family will take you back to Chicago, and it will be very difficult, if not impossible for Z and I to help you at all. Do you understand what I'm saying to you? Listen closely. I need you to stop pushing us away. I need you to speak to no one else. I need you to talk to us, so we can help you. Once you are taken to Chicago, I won't be able to help you. Your family has a different doctor waiting to put you in his care. Do you know what I'm saying to you?"

  "I'm sorry. I'm confused."

  "Sweetheart, please. Your parents and husband want to put you in a special hospital with Dr. Simmons, and he’ll keep you away from Mack and I. We won't be able to help you once you’re gone." What? Oh NO! Dr. Simmons. Oh! He'll hurt me again. Breathe. Gasp.

  "What?! What do you remember? Breathe, love. Come on. In and out slowly. Breathe with me. Tell us what's wrong."

  "He... he’s bad. He h-hurt me. I remember. He hurt me, lots. Oh god. He’s awful." Come on! Not now...

  "Listen to my breath. Listen to my voice. Calm yourself. Please stay with us."

  "I'm trying. Really..."

  "I know you are. You’re doing very well." Almost there. My breath is slowly returning.

  "How did he hurt you? What did he do? You can trust Mack and me."

  "Um... I don't know exactly... But I feel what he did. I just know he did bad things. I'm sorry... I'm trying, but I can't remember what it was..." Shit. What did he do?! "My brain is all slushy."

  When there is nothing but silence, I realize they’re waiting for me to remember.

  ==========

  "Listen. I have to go. Your family will be returning very soon, but Mack is going to stay for awhile. You can talk to him when I'm gone, or wait until I return to talk to him. It's your choice."

  "I'm not going to tell your family that you’ve woken from the coma... yet. I just don’t actually know you’ve woken yet… understood?” A doctor will lie for me? “That buys us a little time. Your parents and husband are returning to Chicago this evening for your mother’s birthday party tomorrow night. So, if you pretend to still be asleep when they visit, I can keep you here until they return on Monday. Can you play along? For Z?" I can do anything for Z.

  "What do I do?"

  "Ironically... nothing. Just sleep, or pretend to sleep. I’m going to give you a heavy muscle relaxer, and a sleeping aid which should knock you out while they visit. They’re going to be here any minute, but they won't stay more than an hour. Just lie there and don't move. I'm going to schedule an MRI while they’re here, to kill more time for you.”

  "I have to leave, sweetheart. But I'll be back once they leave. I promise. I'll be back very soon.
" And leaning in, Z kisses my forehead. Oh god, no!

  "Please don't kiss my forehead. That's what Marcus does and I hate it."

  "No problem. I prefer your lips anyway." And kissing me on the lips, I hear his smile-voice.

  Grinning, "Thank you. Please come back soon."

  "I promise." Z smiles back as he walks out the door.

  ==========

  "He's gone now. Can you open your eyes for me?"

  "I tried, but it was so bright, and it was really hard to open them. They feel very heavy and sensitive to light. Can I have a pair of sunglasses?"

  "Okay. You can open your eyes later, and I’ll get you some glasses to wear. Listen, this is very important. Do you think you can act comatose while your parents are here? I’m going to give you some medicine to knock you out, but it might not take affect for at least fifteen minutes or so. Therefore, you must act comatose initially. No moving at all, no matter what they do or say, otherwise they'll know, and you’ll be taken back tonight to Chicago. Your family already has transport on call."

  Tonight? Why do they want me back so badly? My mother hates me. My father ignores me. Marcus tolerates me. As a trio, they are the most uncaring, unfeeling group I have ever known... Why do they care if I'm here or in Chicago?

  "No. No medicine at all, I'll pretend. I think I'll be fine. I've been pretending my whole life Mack... I know what to do."

  "But this is different, it's about movement. One flinch or blush, and they'll know you’re awake. Are you sure? I would feel much more comfortable knowing you were medicated and actually asleep during their visit."

  "But I wouldn't. I don't know why, but I don't really trust that they won't hurt me when I'm sleeping. I can't explain it... but..."

  "Stop. Sleep. I hear your mother. I'll stay as long as I can, and I'll be back as soon as I can for the MRI."

  Walking from me, Mack leans against the back wall with my charts. After a quick movement of my legs and turning my head toward the window, I settle into my deep ‘sleep’. I'm very tired anyway...

  CHAPTER 22

  Waking, I hear their voices. Oh, god. Don't flinch. My mother is as usual... Complaining about the cleanliness, the rude staff, the wall color... Christ! The color of the walls? Get a little perspective, would ya? Ooops. I almost giggled.

  I hear Marcus talking. What’s he saying?

  "... I don't understand. She was supposed to be awake by now. The medication for the coma was stopped 48 hours ago. There’s no brain swelling. There’s shouldn’t be anything wrong with her anymore. So, tell me, what IS wrong with her?"

  "The surgeon told you patients generally wake up within 48 hours, but not always. She had such a sudden rupture and surgery, that her brain went essentially into a kind of shock, if you will. She also had the further complication of the other medication making her slip into a coma on her own, so the surgeon and Neurologist monitoring her had to base the medication on what her brain was already doing to itself. She’ll wake up when she can, but more importantly, she’ll wake when her brain is ready."

  "Will she be normal? I know I keep asking that, but I'm just so worried she won't be normal anymore. If she's still strange like she was before, I don't know what I'll do."

  “In my medical opinion, she…”

  "Marcus. She'll be fine. Dr. Simmons guarantees he can fix her." Flinch. Shit. My mother’s voice can still scare the hell out of me. Don't move. Don't move. Oh. My. God. My mother’s holding my hand. Even her hand is cold. Ew.... Gross.

  "She’s my daughter, and I know she'll be fine. She always bounces back from her little episodes."

  "Mrs. Beaumont. She has had more than an ‘episode’. She has had major brain surgery, for a major aneurysm. She may need intensive therapy, maybe even rehabilitation before she can recover from this episode, as you call it"

  "I know that, Dr. MacDonald! And I will see that she gets it. I just don't see the need to stress poor Marcus out with all this drama, when it will all be over soon. She’ll return to Marcus normal, and their lives can pick up where they left off. I will have it no other way." Jesus Christ. Did her voice just scare the doctor as much as it scared me?

  "What if she doesn't want to pick up where we left off? She was really upset about my little transgression. She ran away. She even did what she did to get away from me. I think I really hurt her this time. Maybe she..." You think? Asshole.

  "Marcus, believe me, what she did wasn't about what you did. She was always so dramatic. She was always looking for attention whenever she didn't feel she had enough. Her father and I were so embarrassed by her, weren't we darling?" Huh. My father is here. Nice grunt... daddy. "…She always acted strangely around our friends and associates. She was just so, so ridiculous when she was a teenager, but her father and I thought she had it out of her system once she grew up. This isn't her first time doing something like this, but I promise you, dear, it will be her last. When Dr. Simmons is through with her she will be perfect for you. Please, don’t worry.”

  What the hell is she talking about? Not my first time? Of course it is. She’s crazy. And a liar. God, I hate her so much. I wish she would stop touching me. I wish I could pull my hand away. I want to smack her face so badly. Shit. I think I've started shaking a little.

  "She's moving." Shit!

  "Yes, just muscle spasms. I have an MRI booked, and I need to take her now. Please say your goodbyes." Is that Dr. Mack?

  "Goodbye, honey. I'll be back Monday evening, after work. I hope you're awake by then. I hope you're much better." Aaaah... how sweet. Asshole!

  "Oh Marcus, don't sound so sad. She'll be fine. You just concentrate on you. Are you sure you want to return Monday evening with us? We can take care of her. You could just enjoy yourself back in Chicago, without all this upset."

  "Yes, I want to return. I should be here. If it wasn't for me, she would still be in Chicago. She would still be the woman I love..." Flinch again. Dammit.

  "I really need to get her to the MRI station. MRI scans are booked solidly, and I shouldn't be late for the technician, especially on a Friday evening. I'll take good care of her this weekend.... Enjoy your party, Mrs. Beaumont."

  "Oh, yes. Thank you, Dr. MacDonald, we certainly will. My parties are something of a Chicago tradition. Isn't that right, darling? Mr. Beaumont spoils me every year, don't you?"

  "Of course. Why wouldn't I? You are a treasure in my life." Oh. My. God. Gag. Hello, father. No kind words for your comatose daughter? Am I a treasure in your life? No? But I never have been, have I?

  "Goodbye, darling. When your father and I return Monday evening, I expect you to be up and well. We have a nice stay with Dr. Simmons planned for you... to help you mend from this little incident. I just hope no one has the inclination to ask about your whereabouts at my party. We've decided to tell anyone who may ask that regretfully you had to attend a business trip in Florida this week." God. Even her breath in my face is foul. Fight the flinch! Fight it!

  "If you don't stop all this shit, I will punish you severely. Do you hear me?" She whispers in my ear, while kissing me on the cheek. FLINCH!

  As if I could hold that flinch in. Holy shit! Did anyone else hear that? Shit! I hope the Doctor heard her. My mother swore... AND threatened me at once. Christ! She's just so EVIL.

  ==========

  "How’re you feeling?" Mack asks while suddenly wheeling my bed down the hall.

  "Um..."

  "Yeah, I get it. Your mother is wicked, huh?" Wicked? Giggle.

  "I was thinking she’s more of a raving fucking bitch, but wicked works too, I guess." Ooops. More giggles. And a swear.

  "Well, I didn't want to say anything so rude about the lovely Mrs. Beaumont, but your description certainly works better than mine."

  Laughter pours out of me. My eyes are still closed to the lights all around, and tears seep from them, but it feels kind of good to laugh. I even hear Mack chuckling to himself.

  "Did you hear the last threat?"

  "No. But
I could tell she whispered something while kissing your cheek. What was it?"

  "'If you don't stop all this shit, I will punish you severely'. Isn't she amazing? No one would ever believe my mother capable of such bad language and threats. She has everyone fooled- just like I do. I don’t swear out loud either. I’m not allowed to, but I swear in my head all the time." She really does have everyone fooled, doesn't she? I am sooo fucked!

  "Does she talk to you like that often? Has anyone else heard her?"

  "Um... I think she does. I can't remember an actual time though, but I just know she does. And her threat didn't surprise me. It just seems like something she would say to me. Does that make sense?"

  "Yes. Your mother would hide that side of herself thoroughly because of her lifestyle and position in her society. And because you can't remember specifics, it would make it seem highly unlikely to anyone else if you told them. But I believe you, I assure you. Your memories seem to be buried behind something, and we need to figure out how to get to them."

  "I don't know about that. I just know nothing she does or says surprises me. No matter how mean." Huh.

  ==========

  After the MRI, Mack stays with me in my room, and even manages to get me a pair of dark glasses to wear. He told me he was finished his ‘rounds’ and he could spend as much time with me as I would like. Do I want that? I think I do, but I'm not sure why.

  There is something about Mack which just relaxes me. He’s easy. He doesn't look at me like I'm gross. He doesn't look like he pities me. He just behaves like a normal person would with a normal person, though I feel anything but normal.

  "Z will be back soon. He hasn't left your side often, unless, of course, your family was visiting. Would you like to talk a little while he's away, or would you rather wait for him to return?"

  "I don't know. What should I do? What do you want me to do?"