MachoPoni: A Prance with Death (Poniworld Chronicles #1)

  "What time is it?" Macho asked.

  "It's almost dawn. And don't worry about the sun hurting you, since you're undead. It won't hurt you. That's just a myth, though the sun is much less bright on the dark side."

  Macho struggled to take in all of Clint's words.

  Clint continued, "Bring her back to me. You messed this up, now you have to fix it. We'll settle it when you come back, then Dust can decide between us—let the best poni win. If it means anything, she told me she loved you. I don't know why she did, though." Clint rolled the blue ball over to Macho, then he turned around, as if to end the conversation.

  Macho asked, "How do you know they're taking her to the Princess of the Dark Kingdom?"

  Without turning around, Clint said, "Darkeyes told me. They used to be lovers." Then Clint began to walk away, and he would no longer reply to anything Macho said.

  Macho looked down at the rolled up parchment on the ground. It was yellow and old. The parchment was attached to a string. The string was tied to two red, plastic gumball-looking balls which Macho figured were used to weigh the parchment down when it was opened.

  The sun had begun to rise, providing light.

  He kneeled down and nudged the parchment open. He used the plastic balls to hold the top and bottom of the parchment down.

  The map was drawn simply and showed all of Poniworld. But there was no Jagged Line through the middle. On the bottom half of the parchment were all the major landmarks and villages of the Pastel Kingdom. On the upper half were all the things that used to be in the Dark Kingdom before it became dark. At the top of the map was a castle labeled, "The Princess's Castle." In front of it was the chasm with a single rope bridge drawn on it. The chasm went all the way from the left of the map to the right, and the bridge was the only way to cross that the map showed. It was just as Clint said.

  He studied the map, trying to figure out a good path to the rope bridge. The two kingdoms had been divided so long ago, that no one remembered what the upper half of Poniworld was like, or what mysteries it held past the things in plain sight. He chose a path that looked like the shortest one: he would go through the Village of the Cuddlebears, then through Flutter-fly Poni Valley, then the Territory of the Chill-Aid Man. The map showed a "yellow brick road" that went through all three areas. If he followed the road, he'd be less likely to get lost, he thought.

  The map showed that on the top edge of the Chill-Aid Man's Territory was a wall that extended quite a distance to the left and right. The yellow brick road went right up to the wall, but the map didn't show a tunnel or door or anything. There were tunnels to the left and right, but they seemed far.

  The rope bridge was on the other side of wall, very close to where the yellow-brick road met the wall. If he could figure out a way to go over the wall, he could save a lot of time. The map didn't indicate how high the wall was.

  He didn't know if he was choosing a good path, or even if the map was accurate anymore, but he had no other information to go by, so it was the path he was going to take.

  He stared at the map a few more minutes, committing it to memory in case something happened to it, then he rolled it up and slipped the string around his neck.

  He headed toward the Village of the Cuddlebears.

  CHAPTER 6

  The Village of the Cuddlebears

  Macho found the yellow brick road quickly. He walked at a steady pace along it. The sun rose as he walked, but it was much dimmer than he was used to.

  The map showed that a stream ran through the middle of the Cuddlebear Village. In the village, the yellow brick road went over a bridge that crossed the stream. He'd have to go over the bridge, because he couldn't swim and, on the map, there were no other bridges indicated nearby.

  The word "cuddlebears" sounded pleasant and cuddly. It wasn't what he expected from the Dark Kingdom. He wondered if the cuddlebears were still there. Maybe the undead ponies had run them off or even destroyed them. It would be fine, though, if the village was deserted. Macho wanted as little trouble as possible in his voyage.

  He had walked for about two hours when from a distance he could see a village made up of gray cottages and eight gray animals walking around. They didn't look like bears, though.

  As he got closer, he realized they had quills! They gathered into the center of the village, in front of the bridge that went over the stream, and watched him approach.

  Well, there's no chance of passing through unnoticed now, Macho thought.

  He stopped in front of the crowd. There were eight of the creatures, all male. He figured that they were porcupines, but they didn't look like regular ones. Their facial features actually resembled bears and they were bigger than normal porcupines—they were almost the same size as Macho.

  One of the creatures asked, "Who are you, poni? Why aren't you gray like the rest?"

  Macho thought that maybe it would be better to lie. "My name is Machoponi, and I dyed my hair," he said.

  "Why?"

  Macho thought briefly for a good lie. "The Princess told me to. I'm not sure why. I just did what she told me."

  The one who was asking Macho the questions seemed to be considering whether to believe him, then he said, "I think you're from the Pastel Kingdom and you haven't been undead long enough for your hair to turn gray. I've seen a couple others before, like you."

  "Okay," Macho replied. "Yes, I'm from the pastel side."

  "I thought so. Well, hello, my name is TooCool. Wanna know why they call me TooCool?"

  "Sure."

  "Because I'm too cool to care."

  "Ah."

  "That's a nice ball," said TooCool. "So what are you doing here? And is that a map around your neck?"

  Macho nodded. He decided to lie again. "Yes. I want to meet the Princess and I'm using the map to guide me."

  "You want to kill the Princess?"

  Macho shook his head. "No, no, of course not."

  TooCool peered at him. "You better not. I've noticed that the ponies who were recently reanimated take a while before the dark side converts them to the right way of thinking. It seems a lot of pastel ponies think they're supposed to be good and nice and maybe sometimes they think they should overthrow the Princess as a good deed. They are mistaken, you see. But it doesn't take long for them to be transformed, and once their hair turns completely gray and silver, their thoughts have changed too. But until that time, ponies like you can't be trusted. I've never seen a poni with a ball like yours though. That's a nice ball. Us cuddlebears can't play with balls, because we always pop them."

  Without thinking, Macho proudly said, "My ball is protected by a spell that keeps it from ever being popped." As soon as he said it, he realized he shouldn't have. The creatures glanced at each other, while Macho asked, "Did you say you were cuddlebears? Is this the Village of the Cuddlebears?"

  "Yes."

  "But on the pastel side, bears don't have spikes. Forgive me, this is new for me."

  "Oh, we cuddlebears have had quills ever since the dark side became dark and we became undead. Before that, we were cute and cuddly and squishy and…bleh! Sickening. Did you know, that back in the old days, us cuddlebears even had something known as the 'Cuddlebear Stare'?"

  Macho shook his head. "I don't know much about your half of Poniworld."

  "Well," said the cuddlebear, "We had this thing called the Cuddlebear Stare, but it was stupid, because it didn't even come from our eyes at all! You see, each cuddlebear had a symbol on their stomach of a heart inside a circle, and when we did the Cuddlebear Stare, light would shoot out of the symbol and if you got hit by the light, it would make you want to be nice and care about others. It was completely stupid! I'm glad those days are over. Now, our tummies are covered in quills. Now we each have a symbol of a corruptagram, but it doesn't matter, because you can't see it. We can still do a version of the Cuddlebear Stare though, but it's different. And we call it th
e Cuddlebear Flare. It's more accurate, don't you think?"

  Macho nodded. "How is it different?"

  "Well it makes you not care about anything at all. But nevermind that. I've been admiring your ball this whole time. Like I said, we can't play with balls, because we pop them. We have to use round rocks instead." He pouted and looked utterly miserable.

  Macho was starting to feel disturbed by the way the cuddlebears were looking at his ball. It seemed that they were longing for it. "Errr," Macho said. "You wouldn't enjoy my ball much. It doesn't really bounce. It's the price of the spell. It won't pop, but it won't bounce either. Ironic, aye?" He desperately hoped they would believe his lie.

  TooCool arched his brow. "I dunno. It looks like a pretty bouncy ball to me."

  "No to the bouncy bouncy. Only plut plut," Macho said, trying to recreate the sound of a non-bouncing, flat ball.

  The cuddlebears were approaching closer.

  TooCool said, "I'd like to sing a song."

  "No song," Macho replied. "I mean, I don't think this occasion deserves a song. I'll just be on my way. Nice meeting you. You all seem pretty cool."

  TooCool announced, "This song, though it is not specifically about you, is a classic that is still relevant, for you are from the pastel side and we are from the dark. And though the song is a traditional love song, it is not without its parallels to you and I, purple poni. It goes a little something like this:"

  "Please don't," Macho whispered. He didn't understand many of the words TooCool had used, but it all sounded bad.

  But the cuddlebear continued to sing this song as all the cuddlebears began advancing on Machoponi:

  "All those days and nights,

  We were so far apart.

  Remembering all those days before,

  When you had pierced my heart.

  And here you are now standing so close to me,

  I wanna hug you and hold you so cuddly.

  It's such a pleasure to say,

  Two cuds for you!!

  Two cuds for yoooooooo!!!"

  In one motion the cuddlebears all rose onto their hind legs, standing upright, holding their front legs out, baring their tummies of quills, ready to pierce Macho with their horrible cuddles that kill!

  Macho really wanted to pounce and bludgeon TooCool with at least one solid blow, but he got too scared. He turned to gallop away, but then he stopped. He could have easily outrun the cuddlebears, but then he wouldn't be able to cross the bridge and continue on his journey to rescue Dust! He had to figure out a way past the cuddlebears.

  He yelled out, "Wait!"

  He thought for a moment, then an idea popped into his head. He turned around to face the cuddlebears, who were watching him curiously.

  Macho tried his best to sound condescending, as he said, "You say you like my ball, but you sissies look like you wouldn't know what to do with a ball if you had one.…" Then he laughed mockingly. "You have no balls!"

  TooCool, who seemed to speak for the whole group, was outraged. "That's not true! We'd know what to do with it, and we'd play with it a lot better than you!"

  All the cuddlebears went back down onto all fours.

  Macho's plan was working. It seemed you could always get a guy to act foolishly if you insulted his pride. Macho smirked, then said, "Well, how about we play a game of hoofball and see about that? If I win, I keep my ball and you'll let me go forward in my journey. If you win, you still let me go forward, but you can keep the ball. Unless you're too scared you'll lose? Is it a deal?" The cuddlebears glanced at each other, then nodded and agreed. Macho nudged the ball forward and began walking toward them. "So where do you usually play your games with your…rocks?"

  TooCool said they usually played right there in front of the bridge. They said they didn't know how to play hoofball and were very curious about it.

  Macho explained the rules of the game to them. It involved running back and forth, kicking the ball with your hooves and kicking the ball into a net. The cuddlebears didn't have nets, so they used stones to indicate the goals. They didn't have hooves either, so they would use their feet.

  Macho asked them what sorts of games they usually played if they didn't know how to play hoofball.

  "Well," said TooCool, "we have a game called rock roll, where we take the roundest rock we can find, even though it’s usually a little lopsided. Then we take turns. One team rolls the rock from one end of the field to the other, while the other team calls them names. When they reach the end of the field, that's one point, then, they switch, and the other team rolls the rock. They keep doing that until one team gives up. Most of the time it's a tie, but sometimes a team wins. It depends on how tired everyone is."

  Macho nodded when he heard of their game, then said, "That sounds great!" Inside his head, though, he was thinking, I've never heard of a stupider game in all my life, except for maybe T-ball.

  But luckily, they were going to play hoofball.

  "So," said TooCool, "how should we divide the teams? We usually do four on four. We used to have a lot more players before the Great Cuddle War—now us eight are the only ones left."

  "Wait, what was the Great Cuddle War?" Macho asked.

  "Oh, that. Well, there was a dispute over the score of a game of rock roll, so everyone started aggressively cuddling. It got out of control, and went on for a couple of years, and well, now there are only eight of us left. And there are no more girl cuddlebears, so we can no longer reproduce."

  "What does reproduce mean?"

  "It means to procreate. But nevermind that. Let's just play cuddlebears against ponies. The first team to three points wins."

  So the players divided into their teams of ponies versus cuddlebears. So it was eight cuddlebears against one poni. One of the cuddlebears was the goalie of their team. Macho didn't have a goalie, or maybe he was the goalie.

  And so, after Macho set his map on the ground, the game began. It was almost embarrassingly easy for Macho. At the beginning of the game, Macho immediately took the ball from a cuddlebear's possession, then galloped to the end of the field, where he easily kicked the ball past the goalie to score a point. The ball bounced off a cottage after he scored.

  "One point!" he shouted, while the cuddlebears mumbled about "luck."

  It would be easy to win the game, he thought, then the cuddlebears would let him past and he would get to keep his ball and this part of the journey would be over with.

  He had two more points to go before winning the game. A determined look crossed his face. He had to make sure not to get cocky. Even though their bear legs didn't seem to be very well-suited for playing hoofball, he didn't know what kind of tricks the cuddlebears might be hiding.

  The goalie kicked the ball. Macho got possession of it, and after that, it was easy. As he galloped to the end of the field, he almost felt sorry for them. It must be horrible to be covered in quills, he thought, as he watched the cuddlebears clumsily running around the field and almost bumping into each other. Some of them had to make sudden jerky movements just to keep from colliding. He found himself worrying about them, because he didn't want them to get hurt or accidentally impaled. He pouted.

  "Two points!" Macho yelled as he scored another easy goal, and TooCool, who now seemed to be the leader of the opposite team, scowled.

  Before the next play, all the cuddlebears got together in a huddle and whispered amongst themselves. Macho could not hear any of it.

  They all positioned themselves for the next play. But before the goalie kicked the ball, all the cuddlebears rose up and stood on their hind legs.

  They shouted out:

  ~*Cuddlebear Flare!*~

  A chimey sound issued forth, then shining beams of light shot from their tummies and shined on Macho. He winced, but felt no pain or anything.

  It didn't seem to hurt him, so he didn't care. "What the F?" he said. "I call foul."

  "Hey," said To
oCool, "you told us the rules and you said a foul involves touching, and we didn't touch you at all. Therefore, we didn't break any rules."

  Macho shrugged. "Whatever. I don't care. All I know is that I gotta win this game. I don't know why it really matters, though. What does anything matter, really?"

  TooCool chuckled. "Now you know firsthand what the Cuddlebear Flare does! It makes you not care."

  Macho rolled his eyes, then replied, "So what?" He gave an intense stare to the cuddlebears, then crinkled his eyes and said, "I'm out of control! I don't give a flying F anymore! Let's play ball."

  The cuddlebears looked a little confused by his words.

  As Machoponi waited for the goalie to kick the ball, he realized that not only did he not give an F about this stupid game, but he no longer cared whether these moron cuddlebears skewered themselves like jumbo shrimps on a shishkabob, because he no longer cared about anyone's feelings.

  Then a perverse idea popped into his head—he would trick the cuddlebears into running into each other! It's not like he cared so much one way or the other—it would just be so easy. And it might actually be kinda funny to watch the cuddlebears get hurt. He found his thoughts interesting—he never would have wanted to kill the cuddlebears if he was his normal self. If only he cared.

  He purposefully lost the next two points. He toyed with the cuddlebears, making it seem like a challenge, but he was really just getting them used to chasing him around.

  After each goal against him, Macho merely shrugged and said, "Whatever."

  The cuddlebears, he figured, must have been glad that he no longer seemed to care enough to try to win.

  Ah yes, the cuddlebears looked so smug. The score was tied 2 to 2.

  At the start of the next play, Macho immediately got possession of the ball. This time, though, he ran all over the field with the ball, evading the cuddlebears and easily keeping the ball away from them. "Come on you sissies!" he shouted while running. "Is that all you got? You all suck!"