Lucian Divine

  “Not about that.”

  I shook my head and lifted my pant leg to reveal my calves, which had also begun to turn pale and bluish. “I have to tell you something.”

  She nodded, eyes wide.

  “When I had the seizure, I heard a voice.”

  “Whose voice?”

  “I’m not sure.” That was the truth.

  “What did the voice say?”

  It was hard to explain. “It wasn’t words. Just sounds, like frequencies and chanting.”

  “What does it mean?” she asked irritably.

  “Those were the sounds I heard when I was made. When I was born.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  Turning my body toward her, I touched my fingertips to her neck and felt her fast pulse. I tried to use my energy to calm her down. “Evey, they’re calling me back.”

  “You’re dying,” she said immediately. It wasn’t a question. She already knew.

  “I think so.”

  “But you’re responding to the medication. Maybe a doctor or a specialist can help you.”

  “No, Evey.” I pulled her head into my chest. “Not this time, my girl.”

  She pulled away and scowled. “No, I won’t let this happen. We have to try.”

  What I knew that I couldn’t explain to her was that the sounds I’d heard calling me back were not asking for permission. I didn’t have a choice. I was silenced by whatever had created me.

  “Evelyn, listen to me, when I’m gone, you won’t remember any of this. You’ll go on.”

  “You’ve said that already. But I don’t want to go on without you.”

  “You won’t know anything else. You won’t remember. Believe me.”

  “What if I do?”

  “You won’t.” I couldn’t bear to see her like this. I wanted to end it all right there, but I was a coward. “I should not have done this to you.”

  “What will happen to your soul when you’re gone? Will I see you again?” she asked.

  “I don’t know if I have a soul, Evey.”

  Shaking her head, she stood and ran inside the loft. On the other side of the door, she yelled, “Yes, you do, you bastard.”

  She didn’t speak to me for the rest of the day. Instead, she worked on her speech for Brooklyn’s wedding.

  At dinner, I asked, “Do you want to read it to me to practice?”

  “No thanks. I need to get used to being alone.”

  “Evey…”

  “You’re giving up. Don’t talk to me.”

  “I’m not doing anything,” I argued.

  “Exactly. I’m going out to pick up my dress at the seamstress’s.”

  “I’m going with you.”

  She shot me a derisive look. “You’re exhausted, Lucian. Just stay here. I don’t want to be around you anyway.”

  “I have to. I still need to protect you.”

  “You couldn’t protect a puppy at this point.”

  Ouch.

  I tried to cloak myself, but I was no longer able to. Following her out onto the street, I stayed back and tried to pop into the body of a female mail carrier going in the same direction, but I failed at that as well. My concentration was shot, and I had no energy.

  Halfway down the block, Evey turned around and yelled at me. “I said leave me alone.”

  I had to jog to catch up to her. I was out of breath. “Pl-please don’t do this.”

  She stopped walking and turned to face me. Looking at me pointedly, she said, “Go home before I scream and have you arrested.”

  I shook my head in my head in disbelief. I thought about all of the things I had done to her. I had confused her about life and God and the world. I caused her to suffer two miscarriages, and now she had to watch the person she loved get weaker and weaker every day. She was already grieving me, and I wasn’t even gone yet.

  I looked down the street and saw a bus approaching. Poof. That was all it would take, but like I said, I was a coward.

  I went home feeling like I was dragging a dead body behind me. A series of images ran through my mind on a steady loop: Evey getting mugged, shot, hit by a car, assaulted.

  In the bathroom, I tried to use a cold cloth to bring my fever down, but nothing worked. It was spiking and I was dizzy. I threw up and then collapsed near the tub.

  Isn’t love supposed to be easy? Isn’t love supposed to be fun? The moment you fall in love, you become acutely aware of all the different ways the person you love can die. It’s sickening. It’s morbid and painful and heart-wrenching, and it’s all totally, completely worth it.

  My brave and cocky façade had been gone for months. I was a weak body, withering away right in front of Evey’s eyes.

  I stayed on the floor, trembling until she returned. I heard the sounds again, calling me, and felt a pull like the type of pull I’d felt to be near Evey before I started getting sick.

  When Evey got home, she came into the bathroom and immediately bent and felt my forehead. “You need to get into the tub. You need a cold bath.”

  My teeth chattered. “I’m freezing already.”

  “Lucian, just listen to me. Do as I say please, or I will call an ambulance.”

  While she ran the bath, I tried to smile at her, but she just looked away.

  “You’ve been making a lot of threats today, young lady,” I told her, trying to lighten the mood.

  “If you think I’m going to let you dissipate into a plume of dust to be forgotten forever, you’re crazy.”

  She undressed me and helped me into the tub. Poor Evey still had hope. She still had faith that we’d be together. It was too bad that I had none.

  She sat on a stool next to the tub and washed my hair. I was shivering uncontrollably. When Evey said that my fever had passed, she ran warm water over my skin. I felt my body become balanced and strong enough to stand.

  She helped me to our bed and brought me soup before lying down next to me. “You’re a stubborn, recalcitrant man.”

  “That’s a big word. You know I taught you that word?”

  “No Charlie—oh yeah, it probably was you.”

  “I’m guessing you’ve been called that more than a few times.” She laughed finally. She was trying to lighten the mood. I’ve heard angels singing for real. Her laughter sounded ten times better.

  “Some guardian angel I am, huh?” I tried to feed her a spoonful of soup, but she waved it away.

  “You could use some work on your angel skills. Will you please go to the doctor on Monday?”

  “Okay,” I said, but I knew it would be pointless. Just like anyone else, I had no control over when I’d be taken, and I knew there was no medical help for me.

  I would just stick around and try to collect smiles from her. I’d put them all inside myself and try to build my own little pathetic soul from the love she had given me.

  AT BROOKLYN’S WEDDING the next day, more than a few people asked if I was feeling okay. Evey looked stunning even though Brooklyn had chosen a hot pink mini-dress and cowboy boots for her bridesmaids. I kept to myself for most of the wedding while Evey did her matron of honor duties, though she checked on me every ten minutes.

  When it was time for her to give the speech, I watched her take the microphone and scour the room for me. Her eyes locked on mine. “Thank you all for coming. I am so happy for Brooklyn and Keith and honored to be a part of this special day. I’ve known Brooklyn for most of my life. She’s my best friend, but she is and always will be a real pain in my ass too.”

  The crowd gasped, but I started laughing.

  Evey went on. “She means well, some of the time, but I think instead of a toast, right now Brooklyn needs a roast, even if it is at her own wedding. So here it is, Brooklyn booger picker. That was her nickname in the third grade.” Evey looked at her notes then looked up again. “Oh, and by the way, this was the third speech that I wrote for Brooke. The first went on and on about what a good friend she’s been to me—not all true—and the second version t
alked about love and sacrifice and how thanks to Lucian”—she winked at me—“I finally know what that means. But I want to be real with you all. The truth is that Keith is an angel, a real angel for taking this girl on.”

  Evey jutted a thumb in Brooklyn’s direction while she continued staring at me. She laughed then turned toward Keith, who was smiling kindly at her. The audience was chuckling, and of course Brooklyn looked furious.

  “First of all, you’re going to have to learn to do dishes, sweet Keith, because our darling Brooklyn will never, in her life, do a dish. She might cook for you—though she has a habit of eating the entire meal before it’s finished—but dishes… forget it.”

  The crowd was in hysterics.

  Evey looked back at Brooklyn, who was not happy. “I say most of this with a light heart because Brooklyn is the sister I never had. We can tell each other anything, and we’ve been there for one another for a long time and I know we always will be. This year we made a lot of changes.” She finally addressed Brooklyn directly. “I’m proud of us, Brooke, for finally growing up, putting an end to our codependency issues, and finding two awesome guys to share our lives with. I love you so much, and I can’t wait to see where life takes us.”

  Everyone clapped. Evey went over and hugged a smiling Brooklyn. We were going through so much unknown crap, but Evey was selflessly there for her friend through all of Brooke’s bridezilla moments during the planning process. I hadn’t expected the roast, but after hearing her words, I realized that both girls had come a long way. I was proud to see Evey standing up to Brooklyn and to see Brooklyn finally showing some much-deserved appreciation for her best friend.

  As I sat there watching the girls dance, memories swirled around in my head. I thought back to a day in the park when Evey was playing chess with Charlie. She was maybe ten years old and her mom was sitting on a bench close by, watching her. Evey was an excellent chess player from a young age. She had gotten so good that she could beat her mom and dad, so her mom would take her to the park to play against Charlie. He was a good teacher for a while, but he could be grumpy. He was also experiencing the very early stages of dementia, so I’d pop into his body once in a while to give Evey more of a challenge.

  “Ah, no, Evey. Think about that move. You need to be thinking about my next five moves,” I had said.

  “But I don’t know what you’re going to choose to do, Charlie.”

  “By moving your bishop across the board for a lousy pawn, you’ll expose your queen. See here. It’s not worth it. I’ll have your queen in three moves.”

  “Hmmm.” She scratched her little chin like she was years wiser than me.

  “Evelyn, did you know that the knights aren’t allowed to be next to the queen because she thinks the horses stink?”

  “Everyone knows that.”

  Ha! My smart girl.

  She was staring at the board, concentrating on her next move. “I can’t decide if I should move my knight or one of these little dudes.”

  “They’re called pawns, luv.”

  “I know, but I want to call them little dudes.”

  I smiled at her. “Call them whatever you want. You know what I think? I think if there was a princess in the game of chess, she’d look just like you.”

  She giggled. “Charlie, how come you don’t have a wife or kids?”

  “What was that?” I asked then popped out of Charlie’s body. I didn’t know the answer.

  Evey repeated, “How come you don’t have a wife and kids, Charlie?”

  “I don’t know, luv. I guess I wanted a career. I spent a lot of time working and just didn’t see how a family would fit in.”

  I watched with trepidation, not knowing how the conversation would affect Evey.

  “Why can’t you have both?” Evey asked.

  “Well, sometimes if you want to be really good at something or really successful, there isn’t much time for the monotony of domestic life.” He scratched his mustache and studied the chessboard.

  He put his hand on the rook and Evey said, “But you’ll expose your queen if you do that.”

  Charlie looked at her and laughed. “Well, aren’t you the little grandmaster.”

  “It’s what you just taught me.”

  He nodded, still watching the chessboard.

  “Charlie, do you get lonely now that you’re retired and don’t have a family?”

  He seemed to be getting agitated by her line of questioning. I wondered if I should intervene. “Sometimes, kid, family is just added weight keeping you down.”

  Evey scowled before glancing at her mother on the bench. She was offended and rightfully so. I’d had enough. I moved into Charlie’s crummy old body. “I’m just kidding. You can have it all, especially because you’re smart, my little princess.”

  That earned me an Evey smile. Or at least it earned Charlie one.

  I knew then that Evey would be the love of my life, but I didn’t know that I would be hers… that I would be her family. Back then, it wasn’t a thought in my mind. I just wanted Evey to grow up and have everything she wanted. All I cared about was her happiness.

  All I care about now is her happiness, yet here I am, keeping her to myself and hurting her with each day that passes in this unchartered world we’ve created.

  AFTER BROOKE’S WEDDING, Evey lay naked in my arms, in our bed that faced the giant windows looking out to the city.

  “I loved your speech. I didn’t expect that.”

  “She had it coming,” Evey said groggily. “You’re tired, aren’t you?”

  “It’s late.”

  “No, I mean, you’re tired. You’re weak.”

  I rolled over on top of her and used my index finger to trace a line down the side of her face and over her plump, pink lips. “Never too tired for this.”

  HE TOUCHED HIS lips to mine and kissed me softly as he caressed my neck and shoulder.

  “Lucian… you don’t have to.”

  “I want you, Evey. I’ll always want you.”

  Time stopped. We were nothing but bodies loving and touching each other. We were two people, two humans in love, making love. He was young again, just a man, a beautiful, sensual, strong man.

  He went up on his knees, leaving my body so he could sit back on his heels. I was waiting, open to him as he stared down at me.

  “You are the sexiest thing. I can’t get enough of you,” he said, his voice thoughtful and soft.

  A moment later he was inside of me again, thrusting harder, kissing rougher. “Ah, Lucian.”

  “I want to die doing this to you,” he whispered near my ear.

  “You might get your wish if you don’t slow down.” I felt a climbing ache; I could hear my hard breaths.

  He slowed. “I want this to last forever.”

  “I can’t hold on,” I breathed.

  He held my head, kissing and sucking at my lips and neck, while he moved in and out with perfect force and rhythm. He never let up.

  Nothing would ever feel as good as being loved by him.

  IN THE MORNING, I heard Lucian tinkering in the kitchen. I could smell coffee and toast. I smiled before opening my eyes and spotting him across the loft. As if he still had that special connection, he turned around and smiled back at me. He was shirtless in flannel pajama bottoms; his body was a work of art. Even though he was weaker than before, he was still so beautiful to look at.

  “Come here,” he said.

  Wearing one of Lucian’s white T-shirts, I skipped over to the kitchen area and hopped up on the counter. He stood between my legs and ran his hands up my thighs.

  “Hello, handsome.”

  “Good morning, gorgeous,” he said, before kissing me.

  I pulled away. “How are you feeling?” I linked my legs behind him.

  “I’m okay. Better now that you’re wrapped around me. Hungry?” He reached behind me, grabbed a plate of toast and avocado, and handed it to me.

  “Thank you,” I said.

  There
was some kind of resignation in his demeanor. I would have mistaken it for contentment had I not known how troubled he had been just days before.

  “What are you thinking, Evey?”

  “Wouldn’t you like to know?”

  “Always have. Always will,” he said.

  “I was thinking that you seem different this morning.”

  “How so?”

  I frowned. “Defeated.”

  He shook his head. “Not defeated. I’m not surrendering in the way you think I am. There’s no white flag here. I’m not going to apologize because I love someone. No one should be punished for giving love and getting it in return, even if others think it’s wrong. How can two able-minded adults loving each other ever be wrong? It makes no sense.”

  I pecked his lips and smiled. “It’s never felt wrong to me.”

  “I don’t know what’s happening, why I’m getting weaker and weaker. I don’t think I’m becoming a normal man at all. And if this is God’s way of punishing me because I love you, the person I was meant to love and protect, then I want nothing to do with him.”

  “Can’t you talk to him?”

  “I don’t think it works that way. Anyway, I’ve been talking to him for years. So have you. Look where that’s gotten us.”

  It pained me to hear Lucian being so cynical. I felt my eyes welling up. “Please don’t be so negative. Anything is possible. Don’t lose faith.”

  “You are good through and through, Evelyn Marie Casey. Even now when you’ve been put through so much. I’m not surprised. You’ve always been good, always cared for people.”

  “You helped me become who I am.”

  “I don’t know anymore if that’s true,” he said.

  “You did.” My heart was breaking, one small crack at a time.

  He smiled finally. “Well, let’s not dwell on it anymore. I’m tired of thinking about it all.”

  “Me too.” I was relieved to see his mood change.

  “Want to get out today and go do something? Maybe wine tasting?” He wiggled his eyebrows.

  “Yes, please!” I opened my eyes wide.

  “I’m gonna shower.”

  “I’ll be there in a minute. I’m gonna eat my yummy toast,” I sang to him.