I nod.
“Once emotions, thoughts and goals have been explored and you are stable and happy, then you can go further. These other circles I use as an example, you perceive.”
He points to the second circle, the next size up moving out from the center of the bullseye. “Your father, he created oh-so many negative effects on others. This circle may represent your brother, your sister and other family members, do you see?”
“Yes.”
“Bon. I continue with my illustration.” He points to the third circle as it moves out from the center. “If the center represents you, and one ring out from the center represents your family… then this ring, the third ring, represents others who are not in your family.”
“OK.”
“Your father, his unchecked power and influence was most wide-reaching. Did you ever consider? He may have abused others—people not in your family?”
Fuck.
I’ve spent my life, so self-absorbed in my own misery I’ve never considered this possibility. A tremor begins in my hands. My palms are sweating, so I tightly grip my thighs.
My father was a powerful man with a voracious sexual appetite. Of course he would have interfered with other children! He was perfectly safe to do so. Who would dare to stop him? And who would possibly believe such evil about a pillar of the community like my father?
I suddenly remember his beloved Cannon camera.
Jesus, he took pictures?
“… that’s another reason why being gay seemed like such a terrible sin,” I hear Danny say. “It’s incredible! As soon as I saw that picture, it all came back to me. Now I remember everything!”
Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. …forty-five, forty-six, forty-seven. I count my heartbeat, I count my breaths as I tried to calm down.
Danny doesn’t seem to be conscious that for a moment there, I tuned him out. With an almost vicious effort, I manage to tune back in again.
“I knew it was wrong, even as a child, I knew,” he says, gesturing excitedly with his hands. “Somehow I forgot or subconsciously buried it. Maybe, because I couldn’t face what happened. All I was left with were nightmares and guilt. I felt sick and twisted! I’ve always been overwhelmed with such shame and guilt, yet I never really knew why!”
I nod with complete understanding.
Guilt was the loudest demon to torment my soul.
“How could I look for love when I knew in my heart I was some sort of pervert?” he asks. “But it’s not the same when you have sex as an adult! It’s different when you have consent.”
“Yes,” I say. “Sex by choice, with love, friendship or at least honest, mutual lust, is completely different. Not with a child. Never with a child.”
“Yes,” Danny agrees.
“Do you remember who the man in the picture is?” I ask with trepidation.
Danny tilts his head and studies me. There’s a look of surprise in his features. “Of course, I do,” he says. “It’s your father.”
A long period of silence passes while I sit utterly motionless. My gut twists, but my features are a mask of composure. I don’t know what to say.
This is terrible! It’s all so terrible!
He was my father, so I can’t help but feel responsible. The police know about me now, or they will soon enough. I have to tell Danny. I have to confess.
“I’m so sorry,” I tell him. “My father molested me too. Unlike you, I remembered it—all of it. I couldn’t forget it if I tried. If I’d known he’d also done that to you…”
My words trail off and I stare down at my hands. I consider how I might have acted, if I had known about Danny’s abuse. I was an angry teenager, full of hate and despair. Yet, as screwed up as I was, I realize with certainty and relief that even back then—even before I knew André, I would have done something.
Honor would have demanded no less. A painful memory stabs at me. I wasn’t able to save my brother.
I loudly clear my throat and my gaze lifts. “I promise you, Danny, I had no idea. If I did, I’d… like to think I’d have found some way to stop it.”
“I know,” he says. “You’ve always protected me, but now it seems we were both stuck in the same fucked-up boat.”
Danny doesn’t blame me.
A wash of utter relief douses the flames of violent, guilty heat burning inside of me.
“I know you would’ve stopped it,” Danny says, absolving me of guilt. “That’s the kind of man you are.”
André, Sally Ann, Renata and Danny. Why do they all have a better opinion of me than I have of myself?
I stare at Danny and he stares back at me. Neither of us say a word, but we’re not uncomfortable. We understand each other. This poignant silence that rests between us is strangely intimate and companionable.
We’ve separately shared time in the same hell.
Two survivors, both connected by the arrogant, depraved, self-indulgence of one man.
Alex makes that three of us, but his secrets are not mine to tell. It strikes me then, if there are three of us—why not four? Or five? Or even more?
André’s shrewd words echo in my mind: “Your father, his unchecked power and influence was most wide reaching. Did you ever consider? He may have abused others—people not in your family?”
How many children endured my father’s perverted attentions? All of these victims must be like me—burdened with shameful secrets and nightmares from their past. How could I have been so utterly unaware of what others around me were suffering?
No one knew about me either, I remind myself.
Who sent Danny this photo?
Who else knows of the monster behind my father’s public facade? Another victim? An observer? Or worse… another perpetrator?
The solution to my problems with the police suddenly becomes blindingly obvious.
Alex and I are not the only ones with a motive to commit murder.
At this point, I can now name three people who would have wanted my father dead. If I look into his activities as a Scoutmaster, surely I’ll discover even more victims. It’s terrible to imagine. I can hardly face the truth. Yet, I can’t help but see the silver lining behind this cloud.
I won’t go to jail for murder… and neither will my brother.
The knot in my stomach loosens as my dread begins to slip away. This time when I smile, it isn’t forced.
This time, my smile is real…
The End
Grant and Renata’s story continues in AVENGE due out soon. Make sure you join Nikki’s free mailing list so that you can find out when it’s released!
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