Entangled in Darkness

  Chapter 9

  Shame. It was a deep feeling that gnawed at my abdomen, gutting my insides and twisting my stomach tight until a lump in my throat formed and the overwhelming urge to cry took over. I felt the shivery tears slip down my cheeks as I watched them fall into my lap. One by one they made an irregular dot pattern on the beige hospital pajama pants I was wearing. I held out my hand and let them collect in my palm for a moment before I wiped them on my pant leg. The pain was moving up and suddenly I felt suffocation. My chest went tight and felt like it was being torn apart at the sternum. I gasped for air as I cried out silently.

  “Make the pain go away,” I whispered to myself.

  I banged my fists on the soft bed below me. But in lack of satisfaction, I got up and slammed them down on the bedside table a few times until they throbbed.

  “Go the hell away!” My whispers were louder this time.

  I banged my fists hard and fast in a blitz onto the table. Then the rush of pain flooded to my throat and I fell to the bed sobbing hard as I felt my chest rise and fall sharply with each whimper. I forced in each breath until my breathing became steady and it began to calm me. As I buried my face in the knitted pale blue blanket, I felt the dampness on my cheeks from the tears. I sat up and pulled my legs up to my chest and hugged them as I rocked back and forth slightly.

  “Why?” I let a moment pass and then my face crinkled up and more tears fell. “Why me? What did I do?” I whimpered into my knees.

  There was a knock at the door and I jumped up and ran towards the corner, my heart palpitating in my chest. The door opened slowly and the nurse’s head peaked in with a gentle smile.

  "Hi Annalyn. Can I come in?" the woman said as the light from the window flooded against her dark skin and made her black hair shine.

  “Sure.” I shrugged and stood in the corner as my fingers trembled and I bit my lip.

  “How are you finding the unit?” she asked gently. Her eyes were a warm brown and softened as she smiled slightly. I remembered her name was Leah from when they brought me up from the emergency to the unit.

  “I don’t know.” I looked at the floor.

  “Have you left your room at all?” I shook my head. “I can see that you are nervous about leaving your room, but there is a lounge with a radio, a TV room, and a game room that you might like once you are ready to leave your room. Feel free to explore the unit. One of us can give you a tour when you are feeling up to it.”

  I hesitated. “That’s okay.” My eyes never left the floor.

  “How is your mood?”

  “It’s fine. I’m ready to go home now,” I said. My voice was a little louder but still mumbled. I quickly glanced at the nurse, and as our eyes met and I rushed to look at the floor.

  “If you could rate your mood on a scale of one to ten, one being the worst, ten being the best, what would you say it is?”

  “Does it matter? I just want to go home.” My voice was meek and squeaky like a frightened mouse.

  “Yes, it does matter. It’s important that you help us help you get better by cooperating with us.”

  “One.”

  “Sounds bad. What can I do to help you feel better?”

  I shook my head stiffly. “I don’t know.”

  “Do you feel like hurting yourself?” she asked as she looked at me with a serious gaze in her eyes, but her mouth still soft and almost smiling.

  “Please let me go home,” I said in a whimper.

  “Annalyn, are you thinking about hurting yourself?” I stared past her, letting my eyes blur over as I pursed my lips slightly.

  “Are you thinking about hurting anyone else?” I shook my head. “I know you don’t want to be here, but are you going to try and run away from the hospital?” She continued looking at me as I stared past her. After a moment I shook my head, knowing that it was for the best regardless of the truth.

  “Annalyn, can you make me a promise that if you think about hurting yourself, you will come and talk to me or another nurse instead of doing anything to yourself?”

  I nodded. My eyes glazed over as I peered at the door, wanting to run, to escape, be free. “Can I be alone now?”

  “Come and talk to me if you need anything. We are here to help you, okay?” She smiled lightly and left, leaving the door open behind her.

  I went and lay down in bed, pulling the covers up to my chin. I let the tears fall from my eyes onto the sheets. After a moment, a shudder took over me and I whimpered into the blanket. Tears flooded. Images berated my mind. I saw myself in the seclusion room, pacing back and forth like a tiger ready to pounce on the next person I saw. I felt the rage. My arm hurt from all the times I collided with the door. My knuckled were scraped up and sore.

  I swallowed hard as a lump formed in my throat. Shame, I thought to myself. All there was to feel now was the deep horrible shame of knowing what I had become. I calmed down after a couple days of being in that room. I was so drowsy from the injections they were giving me. Yesterday afternoon, after a day and a half, I crashed back into the depression that had its claws on me before. I was confused. I didn’t know how my mood could go on such a roller coaster. I didn’t know if they wanted me depressed, if it was the drugs that did it. I didn’t know why they wanted me to be depressed and hurting. I didn’t know why they were forcing me to be imprisoned in the hospital.

  After the depression set in, I realized that I was in a hospital. It all made sense as if I fog had lifted and a new one had set in. The next morning, they brought me out of the seclusion room in the emergency department. I had to walk through the hospital in only a gown and thin papery slippers with a security guard and a nurse. They paraded me up to the 3rd floor of the hospital where I settled in my room on the psych ward. The nurse gave me instructions about the ward but it was all glossed over as the rush of nerves and over-stimulation got to me.

  As I lay in bed, I thought of Lexie for the first time since I had been there. I didn’t know what happened to her. Was she arrested by the cops that had come to take me away? And my parents? Did they know where I was? Were they worried? Were they mad? I was afraid to phone them. I didn’t even know if there was a phone I could use. I let the tears slip down my face as I shuddered under the blankets. I closed my eyes tightly until I realized the images of the last few nights were worse that way. I stared at the window instead and let the light from the sunny day flood into my eyes and wash over my face. The bright sunlight felt stinging and I pulled the blankets over my head as I whimpered and cried.

  "Annalyn?" I heard a soft voice. I realized I must have drifted to sleep.

  "What?" I asked without lifting the blankets off my head.

  "Lunch is here. I’ll show you to the dining room."

  I recognized the voice as the nurse who was there before. Her voice had a soft sweet tone to it, as if she actually cared. I didn’t know if she did though being that these people were somehow making me depressed.

  "I’m not hungry." I let my voice speak louder and more insistently. I couldn’t let these people control me.

  "It seems to me that you don’t have a lot of energy right now. Eating your meals would likely help your energy levels. I think it would be good if you came and tried to eat, even if it’s not the whole tray.”

  I could hear her voice getting closer like she was standing over me. My breathing quickened and I felt a fluttery anger inside my stomach.

  "No. You people can’t control me. I’m not here so you can do whatever you want to on me." I could feel my voice growing stronger. My muscles tensed and I clenched my whole body underneath the blanket.

  "I won’t force you to eat. But I encourage you to do so. A lot of people don’t feel like eating when they’re feeling depressed. But when you don’t eat, you stop feeling good physically. You won’t have as much energy and it won’t help you feel better. Eating might help." Her voice was caring. But I felt tenser. I clutched my teeth together until my jaw was sore.
/>
  "Leave me alone." I said gruffly.

  I took a deep breath and let it out heavily until there was no air left inside of me. Suddenly a lump formed in my throat and I struggled to swallow past it. Finally I heard footsteps getting distant and the door click shut.

  I pulled the blanket tighter over my head until it felt taut. I rolled over onto my side facing the wall against the bed and hugged myself firmly. I let out a strong breath and then sucked in the air until I felt the pressure inside my lungs. I held it there and swallowed against the mass in my throat. Suddenly I shuddered and clenched up my face. I felt cold. My nerves grew inside my stomach.

  I started to think about the situation, wondering how this all came about. I was a normal girl. I was studious and on my way to better things. I was released from the pain of my childhood and the tension of the house I grew up in when I moved out. I was free. How did this all happen? How did I fall apart? Did I even fall apart or was this part of some deception? I wasn’t crazy. I was not crazy! I’m lying here in a psych ward, I thought. What the hell happened? Who the hell did this to me?

  “Let me out of this hell!” I screamed in a hoarse breathy whisper. “What did I do to deserve this?” I whimpered quietly as my head spun and my forehead crinkled up.

  Janey. This would be hard on her. Having a crazy sister. I wasn’t crazy, was I? It didn’t matter. They were saying I was. This would follow me for the rest of my life. Janey would never think me crazy though. But what if the kids at her school found out? I imagined she would be so hurt and scared at the idea of me being in here. I didn’t even know if she knew where I was but I had to get a message to her that I wasn’t crazy, that this was all some kind of disgusting joke, a deception of some kind, a mistake.

  I ripped the blankets off my face and pulled my iron-laden body out of bed. As I put my bare feet onto the floor, I felt the chill on them. I didn’t want to wear those ridiculous looking slippers though. As I reached for the door, I paused and took in a breath, open the door slowly. I swallowed, the lump feeling a little smaller but my stomach quivering more.

  I walked slowly down the ward. It was a long hallway. My room was halfway to the middle of the hallway. As I walked down it, I looked to each side, seeing rooms similar to mine, though some of them had two beds with a curtain dividing them. As I got closer to the middle of the hallway, I noticed two bare rooms with mattresses on the floor and a similar windowed door like the seclusion room I was in. I felt a chill run down my spine and looked away. The lump in my throat returned and was bigger than ever. I kept walking. A few more paces and I found the nurses’ station. It was a windowed room with a door that was open. There were shelves of binders on two sides. The room was bordered with desks attached to the wall and a couple computers. At the window, there were some toiletries like toothpaste and liquid soap. I approached the window as my stomach fluttered. My nurse looked up and smiled lightly.

  “Hi. Did you need something?” she asked me in pleasant voice.

  “I want to phone someone,” I said in a plain voice.

  “Sure. I’ll show you where the phone is.”

  The nurse walked me down the hallway to a booth-like room with a windowed door and a phone inside. I walked inside it and sat on the stool.

  “You’ll need to dial nine first. Let me know if you have any troubles.”

  I shut the door and she walked away. I looked at the wall and noticed scribbles of numbers, profanities and little doodles. There were a few pen drawings of Satan and devil-like figures that made my stomach turn in knots.

  My hand hovered over the phone. An invisible barrier existed between me and the receiver. I held my breath and closed my eyes. After twenty seconds or so, I breathed out and let my hand dive for the receiver. I picked it up and held it to my ear. I dialed slowly being sure that I correctly and diligently pressed each number. It started ringing. Each ring felt sharp in my ear. Suddenly I realized that my sister might not pick up the phone. My parents might recognize my voice. I couldn’t bear to talk to them yet.

  I slammed down the phone and let out a startled breath. My breathing went shallow as I sat there staring at the beige phone.

  There was a knock at the window. “I want to use the phone.” I looked and shoed the person away with a flick of my wrist. Another knock.

  “I’m using it!” I screamed through the glass. The unkempt man looked at me indignantly with his bulging eyes before he turned away and stomped off.

  I stared at the phone again. “Oh my God,” I muttered under my breath as I looked up and closed my eyes tightly. I paused for a moment and then slumped down and let my head fall into my hands. I shook my head and quickly grabbed the receiver.

  Ring. I shuddered. Ring. My heart pounded. “Hello?” my mother answered. My heart stopped beating for a moment. “Hello, is anyone there?”

  “Uh...um... is Janey there?” I said in a low voice.

  “Just a minute.”

  My heart fell in my chest. I sighed heavily as I felt my breath bounce back against the receiver. I rubbed my eyes and suddenly heard her voice at the other end. It was a quiet and child-like voice with an edge of sadness to it.

  “It’s me.” I said as my heart pounded.

  “Annalyn? What the heck is going on? Mom and Dad won’t tell me anything. Where are you? I’ve been freaking out for the past couple days.”

  “In the hospital,” I said regretfully.

  “You’re hurt?” Her voice squeaked.

  “No—” I stopped. I couldn’t speak.

  “I don’t understand. You guys are freaking me out. Just tell me what the hell is going on!”

  “I’m...” I breathed deeply, feeling my throat clog up. “in the psych ward.”

  There was silence but I could hear broken breathing.

  “Janey, I’m not crazy. This is just stupid crap. You’ve got to believe me. I’m not... I’m—” I choked on my words as the tears trickled down my face. “I’m not a lunatic. I’m not some freak. You know me. You know that I’m not. Don’t let them trick you into thinking that there is something wrong with me. This is all so stupid. It’s a deception. It’s some misunderstanding. I don’t know what it is. But I’m locked up here. I’ve been locked in a room. They’ve been drugging me and,” my voice was broken and deep with emotions. “I just want to come home.”

  “You—” She stopped as her voice sounded like it was boiling with emotions. “I just… please tell me you didn’t do anything to yourself again. Did you try to kill yourself?” Her voice sounded bitter and angry.

  “No. No, I didn’t. I didn’t do anything. You’ve got to believe me,” I pleaded with her as tears ran a river down my face.

  “How can I!” she screamed shrill through the phone, piercing my ear.

  “What?” I gasped.

  “You sliced yourself up! How am I supposed to trust anything you say? I don’t even know who you are anymore.” Her words cut through my chest.

  “Janey, please.”

  “No. You don’t even care about what you’ve been doing to people. Lexie’s been over here crying while they have their secret meetings. Mom cries all the time. Dad’s been screaming at her. He’s been screaming at me. He’s so upset, so mad. I’m scared of him and it’s all because of you. You’ve torn the family apart. You’ve gone too far this time, Annalyn, and you aren’t even around to see it.” Her voice was fierce until she broke down and started sobbing and wailing. I could hear her muttering how unfair this was. She asked God why. She cursed at him.

  I waited a moment and then I tried to speak past the enormous mass in my throat. “Janey, I’m so sorry. I didn’t do any of this on purpose. I never meant—” my voice broke, “to hurt you. I love you so much. You are what keeps me going in life. I can’t do this without you. Please don’t abandon me when I need you so badly. We are sisters. We have a special connection. Don’t let go of that just because of some stupid thing like this,” I cried.

  “
You don’t even know,” she sobbed. “You don’t even know how hard it is for me. I don’t want to be screamed at. I don’t want to listen to him and wonder how far he could go. I’ve never been scared like this. I’ve never wondered what he was capable of before. I never wondered what you were capable of. You’ve changed everything. You’ve ruined everything. You go off and do something so selfish and stupid like killing yourself and now you don’t even take responsibility for it. You don’t even accept how screwed up you’ve made all of us. You don’t even know what you’ve done.”

  “I do know. How can you think I don’t? I sat in a locked room with a mattress on the floor for two days. I think I know things are screwed up. I think I know how my life is ruined. You talk about yourself; you talk about mom and dad. What about me? My life is over now. I’m locked up in a psych ward and I don’t know if I will ever get out. What about me? And now...” I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t move. I was frozen in time until I finally forced the words out. “I’m losing my sister.”

  I could only hear her breathing. It was unsteady and riddled with sobbing whimpers. I waited for her to speak and she didn’t. Minutes went by with only thick silence. I felt like I was suffocating as I sat there unable to speak past her silence, past her sorrow and pain. I tried to breath but it was only shallow. I couldn’t get in deep breaths anymore because my chest had become so tight. I leaned into the wall and lay my head against it. I swallowed past the horrible lump and felt the flesh inside my mouth stick together.

  “I—” suddenly she spoke quiet and whispery. I sat up and listened as I tried to breathe quiet enough to hear it. My heart wouldn’t shut up as it beat fast.

  “Wha—”

  She cut me off. “I need to—” She breathed heavily into the phone. “I don’t know. I don’t think I can do this,” she whispered.

  “Tell me what you need,” I pleaded.

  “Um...” I could hear her breathing in fragments. “Leave me alone, okay. I need to be alone.” Click. Dial tone.

  I let out a heavy breath and a broken wail as my head dove into my hands. My chest ached with intense piercing throbs. I felt dizzy. Drowning in the water. Tears drowning my face. This was not happening.

  I let my body lean heavily against the wall as I gasped and began huffing. My head fell against my fisted hands as tears streaked across my knuckles. My body shook with each sob. My guts ached with a physical pain, a hollow cramping clenching pain. I tried to breath past the enormous lump that stabbed into my throat.

  Suddenly the booth went dark and I felt a shiver come over me. I let the corner of my eye glance out from above my fists. Someone was standing at the door. He banged on the door. His eyes were staring at me sharply. My chest throbbed painfully, each rapid pang echoing into my ears. I buried my head into my hands, keeping the corner of my eye on the shadowed figure.

  "Marvin, what’s going on?" a man asked and within a few seconds, the door was creaking open.

  "Don’t hurt me," I whimpered as I curled up on the stool.

  "Annalyn, my name is Jonathan. I’m a nurse. I’m not going to hurt you," he said softly.

  "No, no, I don’t believe you!" My voice grew louder.

  "I can see that you are anxious. Many people find it overwhelming when they first come here."

  "No. Please. I don’t want to be manipulated and tortured by you people."

  "No one is trying to manipulate or torture you. If you come out of the phone room, I can take you back to your room and you can get some rest. How does that sound?"

  "I can’t. No. I have to go home. My father is going to kill my sister. She hates me. It’s all falling apart. It’s all falling apart because you’re keeping me here locked up and tortured. You all want me to die. Go to hell! You’ve made my life hell. It’s all hell," I yelled as tears streamed down my hot face.

  "Annalyn, it’s Leah, your nurse. I want to help you. Will you help me do that?"

  I shook my head forcefully as I clenched up my fists and held them to my mouth. My heart pounded so loud I was sure they could hear it. It was echoing throughout the room.

  "Here is something to help you feel better." She held out a tiny paper cup and something to drink it down with.

  "Please don’t drug me. I don’t want to rot here until the end of time. I don’t want my insides to be eaten alive. You all want me to die here and I have done nothing wrong."

  "Take this pill and I will help you to your bed. I can sit with you for a little while if that will help you feel more comfortable," Leah said gently.

  I leapt off the stool and pushed past them into the hallway, throwing my fists into the wall as I wailed sharply.

  "Stop! Stop stop stop stop stop! I can’t be your drug slave. Drugging me won’t cure your insane need to torture me!"

  I sank into the floor and curled up into my knees as the cold chill of the floor made me tremble.

  "Nonononono..." I muffled into my pajamas, letting the fabric absorb my tears.

  I felt hands on me, prompting me to get up. I curled up more and tensed my muscles so they couldn’t move me.

  "Annalyn, you can either take this orally or we will give you a needle. It is your choice."

  "Nononononono..." I cried, curling up into myself even tighter. I wailed into my knees while the world around me blurred over. I could hear them talking to me gently. Insisting I get up.

  "Annalyn, you need to get up now. We’re going to give you something to help calm you down," Leah said more firmly.

  "What!" I groaned into my knees.

  "Come on. This will help." Hands were tugging at me, pulling me apart as I resisted. My heart throbbed as I held my breath. They pulled my body to the side and I felt the needle jab painfully into my butt.

  “Hell!” I screamed. “You put me in hell.” I threw my head back against the wall as a pain rippled through it. I banged my head again and again. Pain, tense and throbbing ringing through my head. Their hands were on my arms and legs, struggling against me. I felt myself in the air, hands all over me, restraining me as they carried me down the hall and soon I found myself on the vinyl mattress again. Doors shutting fast into the silence of the darkness.

  The smell of shabby hospital food invaded my nose. I sat there staring at the tray of lumpy mashed potatoes, chicken and a mix of plain cooked vegetables. My stomach sank into my abdomen, praying me not to eat. I crinkled up my nose and pushed the tray away.

  I glanced around the dining room filled with round tables and chairs seated with other patients. Some of them were eating eagerly and others were picking at their food with disgust on their face. I felt my skin crawl and I wrapped my arms around myself. My guts were fluttering. My neck felt tight and my mouth smothered.

  Suddenly I noticed the eyes of one of the nurses on me. She wasn’t giving away anything on her face but I knew she had noticed I wasn’t eating. I looked down at my tray and pulled it back towards me. I stabbed my fork into the mashed potatoes and took a meager bite. I let the warm mush sink into my tongue. My throat felt like it was protesting as it tightly resisted my forced swallowing with a growing lump. I forced the food down as tears formed in my eyes. I looked up at the nurse and seeing that she had turned her attention elsewhere, I packed up my tray and put it back on the trolley.

  "Did you have some dinner, Annalyn?" Leah asked me as she poked her head out of the nursing station. I nodded and rushed past her towards my room, my stomach twirling.

  As I reached my door, I felt her presence behind me.

  "How are you feeling, Annalyn?"

  "Fine."

  "You’ve been out of seclusion for an hour now. How is your mood now?”

  “Fine.”

  “You banged your head pretty hard on the wall. Is it hurting at all?”

  I shook my head even though I did have a dull headache.

  “Have you been having any thoughts of hurting yourself?" she asked bluntly.

  "No."

/>   "What about hurting anyone else?" I shook my head. "What’s your mood on a scale of one to ten?"

  "It’s a ten. I’m feeling on top of the world," I glared at her before turning around and heading to bed.

  "Annalyn, I want to help you but you have to let me do that." She smiled lightly but her eyes remained serious.

  "I don’t need help."

  "Annalyn, tell me about why you are here?" She never let her voice stray from the soft gentle nurse she pretended to be.

  "I have no fricken clue. Why don’t you tell me?" I let my tone deepen with disgust as I felt like kicking the door shut in her face. “You tried to hurt a police officer. When the doctors saw you, they thought you were suffering from a manic episode. Do you know what manic means?”

  “It means I’m crazy. You goddamn people think you know everything. I’m not manic. I never was. I’m not crazy. You goddamn people.” I looked her straight in the eye with my piercing stare. “It’s part of a mood disorder. It means your mood is a lot higher than normal, but it can also mean you’re really irritable and agitated, which is how the doctors in the emergency described you. You had to be sedated because you were behaving aggressively towards the staff and threatening them. You said they were demons. Do you remember that?” I walked up to her and stared straight into her eyes forcefully. “I am not crazy!”

  “Annalyn, please do not come up to other people like that. There are personal boundaries people like to keep.” Her voice stayed calm but nonetheless, I wanted to throw her down to the ground.

  “I am not crazy." I growled. "I don’t understand why you people think I am.”

  “It seems to me that you have been feeling more depressed since you came up to the unit. Sometimes when you have a mood disorder, your mood can swing from one extreme to the other. Do you feel like that is happening now?”

  “I am not crazy. Not crazy!” I screamed.

  “Are you feeling agitated, Annalyn?”

  “Please just leave me alone.”

  "I’ll let you have some time to yourself, Annalyn, but please come and talk to me if you need anything." Her soothing voice could easily fool anyone into believing her false sincerity, but at that moment I had an inability to trust anyone.

  I went and sat on my bed, a deep frown wrinkling the skin around my mouth, and stared out the window. It was a sunny day. The sun pierced into my eyes like bitter daggers, taunting me with the happiness of the world that had become forbidden to me.

  I imagined part of being in the psych ward was reflecting on oneself. I sat there going over the events in my head. I had been unhappy. There was no doubt in my mind about that. I went to my parents’ house and stupidly cut up my wrist in a desperate attempt at salvation from my sadness. But I was fine after that. It was like that event triggered the life-loving soul inside of me to stop taking for granted the beauty of life. And so I lived and enjoyed life. I went the park that night because the stars were shining beautifully and I felt a call to come and relish the starlight. The police came and were annoyed that some young people were out there in the middle of the night. At that point, I yelled at them and I guess that really set them off because they ended up bringing me to the hospital. Why they didn’t just give me a warning about not loitering in the park at night, I don’t know. Lexie must have charmed her way out of being arrested. She was a charming and endearing person and perhaps she flirted with the male cop. I never had such flare or talent for getting myself out of such situations in that way. I didn’t have that winning personality. I was a boring school girl and no cop would fall for me because I lacked the zest of a person like Lexie.

  I looked around my plain and boring room with its cream walls. I had noticed earlier that some of the rooms were decorated with pictures, stuffed animals, drawings and other crafts. Some patients were wearing their own clothes. Supposedly it was a privilege that had to be earned. I had to earn the right to wear something other than this cheap hospital garb and to leave the stale air of this ward. I had to earn the right to privileges that any person, except for a prisoner who had committed a crime, would be afforded. I rolled my eyed and deepened the wrinkles on my forehead that had formed alongside my frowning gloominess. Suddenly I saw the light in the room dim and looked at the door to find my nurse standing there with a light smile on her face. I looked down at the floor as I began twiddling my thumbs tensely in my lap. "Annalyn, your parents have contacted the ward again. When I asked you this morning about releasing information to them, you didn’t want to talk about it. Would now be a good time to talk about it?" There was a sinking feeling in my stomach as I nodded, not looking up from the floor. "Would you like us to release information about you to your parents? It’s your choice."

  "Okay," I said as I felt my body melt into my bed. I lowered my eyes even further.

  "You need to sign this form. It just states that we can release information about you to your parents." She pulled the bedside table over and lay the crisp white form on it with a black pen.

  I quickly filled it out and pushed the form across the table to where she stood. "Is that everything?" I asked.

  "Have you called your parents yet? I noticed you were upset after you used the phone before. Were you talking to them?"

  I looked at her hesitantly, wondering if I should volunteer any information to this woman. I sighed. "It wasn’t them." I stared at the floor as I felt her hovering above me.

  "Have you thought about calling them?" I shook my head. "A lot of people feel nervous about calling their families for the first time when they come on the unit."

  "My dad will be angry. My mom will cry. I can’t bare that." I hugged my arms around myself as I buried my chin in my chest.

  "Have you ever been in this sort of situation before?" I shook my head. "Maybe they will react differently than you think. You can’t know until you try. A lot of parents are so worried about their child that they are relieved to hear from them."

  "I don’t know. It’s hard. I don’t want to face any of this. I don’t know what they will think because I hurt myself a few days ago and what if they think I tried to hurt myself again and that’s why I’m here. What if they don’t believe me when I tell them the truth."

  "It seems to me that if you are afraid of what your parents will think of you being here, then it would be best if the explanation comes from you. It will give you a chance to tell them what’s going on from your perspective. We can tell them what’s in your file and what we know, but only you can tell them what you believe is the truth. I’m sure they would want to hear it from you."

  "What if my father yells at me? What if he disowns me?" My voice grew tense and panicked as I winced.

  "Has he ever shown any indication of wanting to disown you?" I shook my head as I looked up at her hoping that she would have some magical answer. "I don’t know your father, but in most cases, parents are relieved to hear from their kids. If they don’t hear from you, they will likely continue to worry."

  "I guess." I took a deep breath and let it out through my nose as I let my chin sink into my chest.

  "It’s something to think about. Come find me if you want to talk about it some more, or anything else." I nodded and she smiled and left. My stomach fluttered as I looked at the sun coming in from the window. I felt like it was hailing over me, each ray beating over my head as it hit me. A tiny tear poked its way into my eye as the lump in my throat grew painful and large. I sighed and curled up into myself on the bed. The sun was growing lower in the sky, letting it pierce my eye more directly through the window. It stung my chest as my heart sank into the bed with the knowledge that the happiness it beheld had become forbidden from me. Perhaps my parents’ love would soothe some of the longing in me. But what if their love had become as forbidden and lost to me as the fresh air and happiness outside that window?