Entangled in Darkness

  Chapter 2

  On the first day of university, I sat in the middle of a lecture hall and counted the masses of students around me. I started with the bottom row and counted about twenty seats. Then I counted about twenty rows. Four hundred seats that were seventy five percent full meant that I was sitting in a room with three hundred people. It was bigger than my graduating class in high school. I was surrounded by them and they were chattering like bumblebees humming in my ears. I felt dizzy. I couldn’t fathom how a teacher could teach that many students in one class.

  I kept looking at my watch. I felt a nervous twitch in my stomach and my ears were vibrating with the noise. I could hear conversations around me ranging from how this class was taught by "Professor Boring" to worries about getting through a three hour lecture. I shared that person’s concern. I couldn’t imagine sitting in those uncomfortable lecture seats for that long. There was a little triangular table attached to each seat. As I put my notebook down on it and got ready to take notes, I realized how awkward this lecture hall was going to be, especially for an avid student like me that would insist on taking notes of every single thing the professor said.

  Looking at my watch for the fifth time, I started getting antsy sitting there. The conversations around me were starting to get irritating. The students sounded like they were hyped up on caffeine as they spoke loud and fast. My forehead was sweating. I breathed in and out a few times as my mind went over the importance of doing well. I had to get at least a three point seven five grade point average just to make it onto the Dean’s List. I had to accomplish that because it would look good to prospective graduate schools to have "Dean’s List of Distinguished Students" on each semester of my transcript. I needed an A minus average. I kept telling myself how do-able that was for me, a student that graduated with honours from high school. I had never gotten less than an A on anything except physical education. Now that I had a choice about what to take, I would never take anything involving athletics. The professor walked in and my rambling mind stopped, as did my breathing.

  I had trouble seeing the professor as he stood below the rise of seats at the front of the room. Suddenly, I could hear a wave of shushing all around as he stood there waiting for the room to quiet. He was a man with grey hair and a round stomach. He wore a loose sweater vest that made him seem even older. I couldn’t remember his name. I was so nervous that I couldn’t even remember what class this was. I was scared to death that I was sitting in the wrong classroom.

  "This is Psychology 100. Is everyone in the right place?" the professor spoke. His tone of voice was stern but worn sounding. "Alright, I’m Professor Masterson."

  He seemed to sigh a little. He turned around and wrote his name on the whiteboard in red marker. It was kind of hard to read from halfway up the classroom. He wrote down all his details like office hours, phone number, and email. I quickly jotted them down, straining my eyes to see what his scribbles had written.

  "There is a handout going around with your Course Presentation on it. You will find a brief introduction to the course on it as well as the assignments, and the plagiarism and cheating policy here. I suggest you read it all carefully. I’m not very forgiving about ignorance or stupidity in this class. If you don’t know it, it’s your job to find out. If you don’t come to class, do not come to me asking what you missed. Yes, you missed something important, and no I am not telling you what it was. Find a classmate that is willing to share with you. This course is graded on a curve, so I suggest you don’t get too eager in helping out your fellow classmates."

  My stomach was quivering. Grading Curves? I was supposed to hope everyone in class did horrible so I would get the top grade. I was a peer tutor in high school. I helped people. I didn’t compete like this. Now I had to hide my notes from others so they didn’t steal away my A. I suddenly realized if people were better than me I would fail! My stomach trembled more as my eyes gazed at the whiteboard. I kept reminding myself that I graduated with honours.

  "There will be two exams in this class: A midterm exam worth thirty-five percent and a cumulative final exam worth thirty-five percent. Twenty percent will be your term paper and the other ten percent will be various assignments due throughout the term. On your course presentation, you will find the details of your term paper. I suggest you get started on it now. There is a lot of research to be done. If anyone does not know how to look up academic journals, ask the librarians. Does anyone have any questions?"

  I wondered if twenty percent was a lot for a paper in university because it was in high school. I also had never written anything as long as twenty five hundred words before. And these twenty five hundred words determined twenty percent of my grade. It was like overkill. I felt like throwing up.

  The three hours turned out to be brutal. I had trouble making it through the whole three hours with only a ten minute break in the middle. I ran out to the coffee bar down the hall and got the biggest size they had. It didn’t matter that I would have to go pee for the next hour and a half. I needed it. My brain was numb from all the stuff he was going over. It was too much information for one class. I couldn’t imagine how I would remember it all. Everything seemed so big, so important, so overwhelming.

  At the end of that class, my brain was twirling in thoughts of Freud, who sounded like a crazy man with his psychosexual stages and penis envy and all that cocaine addiction. Jung and collective unconscious also seemed weird. I didn’t know what those psychology people were thinking back then. I shook my head and walked out of the lecture hall seriously needing a bathroom break from the extra large coffee.

  As I walked down the hall, I could hear all the gossip about the professor. Supposedly, he marked hard according to a friend of a friend of this one girl. And he didn’t like people to be late or talk in class. He would call you on it right in the middle of his lecture. I learned later that the gossip was all true. Professor Masterson had a knack for making you feel mortified for interrupting him.

  I finally reached the bathroom and found Lexie inside refreshing her lip gloss.

  "Hey!" I said. I relaxed into a smile.

  "How was it?" she asked. Her voice was a bit tense.

  "I thought it would be different. Smaller. Less jammed with information. Less strict. I heard my teacher is a jerk," I said. My eyes felt tired and strained.

  "Who is your teacher?"

  "Masterson, PSYC 100."

  "Look him up on ratemyprofessor.ca and see what people think of him. I already did it for all of mine. Supposedly two of them are put-you-to-sleep boring, and the other three are interesting but strict as hell."

  "So how was your class?" I asked.

  "Boring as hell. Three hour classes are murder. I literally was falling asleep. Doesn’t help that it starts at eight in the freaking morning!" Her eyes were bulging as she shook her head. Her face was all clenched up.

  "Yeah, I know." I sighed.

  Her expression changed. She face softened. "Hey, I’m sure it won’t all suck. We gotta give it a chance. What’s your next class?" Lexie said.

  "ECON 120." I said in a dull voice.

  "Now that should be boring. Why are you even taking economics?" She raised an eyebrow.

  "I want to broaden my scope. I don’t know what my major will be yet."

  "I guarantee you, it’s not gonna be economics. I’ve heard it’s very mind-numbing."

  "Whatever." I shrugged and sighed.

  "Hey, I’m sorry. Look, it’ll be fine. It’s just the first day and that’s overwhelming."

  "I hope so."

  "I know so. Come on, let’s get lunch. You can tell me about the date you had with Jessie the other night. We never got to talk about it yet." She looked at me with eager eyes and a big smile.

  Lexie and I walked over to the White Spot on campus in the next building. It was nothing like the actual restaurant chain that had a nice cozy atmosphere and old pictures of the drive-in restaurants it started out as splattered
across the wall. This one was more like a fast food spot in the mall. There was a backlit sign across the top that showed pictures of various burger combos. You could see the kitchen through the little slide they send the burgers down on after they are made. Instead of wearing white uniforms and big chef hats like in the commercials, they wore white t-shirts that had the white spot logo on them and black pants. The cashiers at the front wore the same thing, except theirs weren’t stained with food. None of the staff was warm and cheery like the waiters at the real restaurants.

  I got the legendary burger with added cheddar cheese and bacon along with fries and root beer. Lexie got a garden salad with tomatoes, cucumbers, red peppers and balsamic dressing. It took about five minutes to get our food, much like any fast-food restaurant. Then we went and grabbed a table by the window. It was the only one around because the dining area was filled with students, some of which were studying by themselves, others were chatting in large groups.

  The dining area was full of tables and chairs like you’d find in any cafeteria-like setting. It wasn’t just for White Spot. There was a general cafeteria adjacent to it. The tables and chairs were black and many of them had trays of food garbage left on them. Next to the dining area was a wall of windows that looked out onto the track field below. There were tons of guys running laps.

  "Well, this is a nice view," Lexie said when we caught a glimpse of them. "Anyways, onto your date. I want to know more."

  "It was okay. We went out for pasta. The food was great. It’s this little family-owned Italian restaurant. I recommend the place," I said.

  "Yeah, not really what I was getting at,” she said.

  "It was a nice evening. I really felt like we connected. His eyes are so beautiful. I just want to stare into them." I gazed off into my memories as I thought of him. My cheeks felt warm.

  As we sat at dinner in the little Italian restaurant, I did stare into his eyes as he talked. He liked to talk a lot. It was not in a bad way though. He was just a cheerful and interesting person who had stuff he wanted to share. He talked about hockey. He was an enthusiastic hockey player in an amateur league. He invited me to see one of his games. I told him I would come to the game on the weekend. And he talked about his job working for his parents. They ran a funeral parlour, as morbid as that sounds. He talked about what it was like to deal with death all the time and how it didn’t bother him. But I admit I wasn’t listening so much as watching. At one point, I felt like I was actually drooling over him. I just hope he didn’t notice the goofy grin I had on my face as I peered into his green eyes.

  "He’s a nice guy," I continued, "I really like him. But I don’t know.” My voice went flat. “Things were okay. I’ve just been thinking that maybe I don’t have time for him." I looked down.

  "What do you mean you don’t have time?" Lexie asked. "Honestly, you can’t just swear off guys to focus on school. You’ll go crazy without one. You need love. I know you. You get lonely." She put her hand on mine and smiled with a nod.

  I smiled at her with a head-tilt. "I have you."

  She shook her head. "You need a guy. It’ll be good for you. Just promise me you’ll give Jessie a chance." She looked at me with serious eyes and didn’t say anything more.

  I watched her and felt as if she were searching my soul with her invading stare. Perhaps she was looking for the truth in my eyes, for honesty. I did like Jessie. I did want him. But school was so important. It was my priority. How could I betray the needs of my brain for my heart? My face felt warm and flush as I thought of him. His eyes were green like hers but darker than emerald like an evergreen. As she stared into me, I saw his eyes. My heart fluttered and I felt it beating faster as I remembered his hand caressing my own. His feathery touch was so gentle against my skin.

  "Well?" Lexie said.

  I smiled at Lexie. "Okay, I will," I said. My natural smile quickly faded and I forced a fake smile onto my face.

  "Good. Now let’s eat, I’m starving." Lexie dug into her salad and put her fork in a piece of each different vegetable.

  "I’m not. I don’t know why I ordered so much food. I really don’t have an appetite today." I looked at the food with a sour expression and pushed it away.

  "It’s just nerves. You should eat. It’ll make you feel better."

  "Yeah, I guess." I sighed.

  "You’re so down today. Was it really that bad of a class?" She asked.

  Her eyes oozed with warmth as she gazed at me. Her eyes were unblinking when they stared into mine. I almost teared up a little but I blinked and swallowed then forced a smile. She tilted her head and frowned.

  "I don’t know. I’m just... Have you ever felt like you were drowning?" I asked.

  Maybe she would understand. Maybe she could tell me why I felt so terrible because I didn’t know the answer. I felt like I was over my head in water. I kept thinking about almost drowning in the lake. I remembered how peaceful it was giving up. I wondered what it would be like to do that now. Life felt like a constant struggle of wondering whether or not to let myself fall deeper into the water where things are calm and comforting but dangerous, or keep going, keep struggling through life. I had to walk the line between that feeling of comfort that came with giving up and the hardship of fighting each day to live and succeed. As much as I wanted to succeed, something was always there pulling me back. It was like a part of me never left the water that day. That part of me was constantly questioning whether or not life was worth it. Usually I was strong enough to keep going, but there were moments when my drowning-self came to the front and made me question everything I believed in. Maybe drowning was easier than success.

  Lexie looked perplexed. "Like overwhelmed? Because we all get overwhelmed. It’s a big day. It’s to be expected."

  "It’s just that I don’t know if this is gonna work out. It’s too much. And I’m not that smart." I looked down.

  It didn’t matter that I graduated with honours in high school. As far as I was concerned, I was an inadequate and incompetent person trying to look like I belonged in a world where people worked hard to make something of themselves.

  "You are smart," She said. I looked at her with skepticism. "You are. Trust me. I know you. I’ve always known you. You get through things. You get me through things. You’re smart and capable. This is just a tiring day. You’ll be fine. Don’t worry," she said. I might have been convinced if I were someone else.

  "You’re a good friend. Thanks. I just hope you’re right. I have this terrible sinking feeling that I’m not gonna make it." I swallowed hard and sighed. My eyes felt tense but I tried to relax them and look fine.

  "Yes, and I told you it’s called nerves. They go away. I think we need to get drinks tonight." She smiled and nudged my shoulder.

  "That might help. I don’t want this." I pointed to my burger with a look of disgust. "I’ll just see you back at the apartment."

  "Okay." Lexie’s smile faded.

  Lexie and I sat in the bar across the street from the university. That night it was filled with students talking and drinking to their first day of school. I could overhear a lot of complaining as well. There were mixed feelings about school starting. Some people were excited. Other people were dreading it.

  As I sat in the bar, I took in the crowded atmosphere. It was a fairly big bar with two floors and a spot for a live band. There was no band that night and I couldn’t hear the music too well amidst all the chatter. There was some hollering coming from the corner where several drunken college boys were laughing and obnoxiously hooting at some scantily dressed women that were playing a game of pool while they flirted with the boys. I turned my attention back to Lexie.

  "Cheers," Lexie said holding up her peach-coloured bellini to me.

  We had both used fake IDs to get into the bar. Something Lexie convinced me to get that summer. I hadn’t used it until that evening though. Now that I was an adult living on my own, I felt like going to the local bar was a good thin
g.

  "What’s the occasion?" I asked with skeptical eyes.

  "To being adults, to being free from our parents and our annoying siblings, to the chance at life," she said enthusiastically with a smile on her face.

  "I’ll drink to that but I just hope it all comes true," I said in a low voice.

  I held up my strawberry margarita and tapped it against her glass. The tinging sound rang through my ears and brought up a sense of hope and misery at the same time. There was so much possibility, yet the possibility for so much to go wrong. I was confused. I didn’t know how it would turn out. I was afraid of the uncertainty.

  "Cheers," we both said with a smile.

  "So, how was economics today?" Lexie asked with a twisted smile.

  "Hah, you were right. It was so dull!" I said laughing off my disappointment. I could see Lexie biting her tongue to not say ‘I told you so.’

  "What about your afternoon course?" I asked her.

  "I didn’t have one actually. I went home and unpacked some more," she said looking accomplished.

  Most of her boxes hadn’t been unpacked yet. Mine we’re already done and my things were neatly in their place.

  "You’re lucky. The girl in front of me actually fell asleep in class. That’s how boring it was," I giggled as I thought about what happened next. "The instructor told the girl next to her to shove her awake. I may have been behind her but I could see her face turn cherry red. Poor girl. It was the only fun part of class though." We both giggled.

  "So, did you talk to Jessie today?" she asked with curiosity in her eyes.

  "I was gonna ask you about the professor actually. Did you see him around campus?" I asked.

  "Hah, I don’t think so. We’re talking about you first," she smirked.

  "No, I didn’t talk to him," I said as I sipped my margarita. The strawberry taste felt sweet on my tongue. I loved the cool iciness in my mouth. It soothed the minor headache I had from that day. I don’t think getting up early after a summer of mostly getting up at noon agreed with me.

  "Well, when are you gonna talk to him?" Lexie pushed.

  "I’m waiting for him to call," I said laying my eyes on my drink as I stirred it up.

  "You could call him, you know,” she said, tilting her head at me.

  "True. Maybe I’ll call him tonight." My face felt warm as I talked about him.

  He romantically indulged me the other night as we sat at a quaint family-owned Italian restaurant eating pasta over some white wine. The food was delicious. I ordered gnocchi in a creamy red sauce and he ordered linguini in a white sauce. I wanted to try some of his so he graciously let me eat some off his plate. It was a bit messy reaching over the table with my fork and I dripped some sauce on the white table cloth. I felt red-faced but he just smiled and moved his plate closer to mine. He was such a gentleman.

  Jessie had also brought me my favourite flowers, blue irises, in a little bouquet with a purple bow tied around them. I think he asked Lexie for some pointers, though I didn’t actually ask him. Instead I kissed him on the cheek and thanked him, my face blushing. He also knew what my favourite chocolates were. When he first brought them out, I felt a bit mortified until he giggled and told me how cute it was that I liked Kinder Surprise even at my age. I told him that I always gave the toys to my little sister, but secretly I kept a little collection of the toys in a decorative wooden box on my dresser. He insisted I open at least one egg and see what the toy was. It was a little tiny puzzle. We both put it together, laughing the whole time, and found that it revealed a cute little cartoon bunny. When I got home I saved the puzzle and put it in the drawer of my night table. When I needed to smile after a difficult day of school, I just opened the drawer and my face lit up as I remembered how sweet he was.

  After our date, we had our second kiss, not counting the peck on the cheek I gave him when he gave me the flowers. It was more tender than the first, our lips feeling warm against each other as my whole body tingled inside. I wanted to invite him inside the apartment so badly, but I didn’t because it was just too soon. So I said goodnight to him and admired his handsome physique as he disappeared down the hallway of the apartment building.

  "You should call him," Lexie insisted with a smile. "After the way you gushed about him after your date the other night, I definitely think you need to call him. He is a good kisser after all."

  "You only know that because I told you," I said feeling my face get warm. I took another sip of my drink as Lexie smirked.

  "Yes, and it’s an important detail nonetheless," she said.

  "You’re making my face turn red."

  "I can totally see that," she laughed with radiant eyes.

  "So, the professor?" I said with a smirk. It was my turn to get the details.

  "Oh, I haven’t seen him. Unfortunately, I don’t think it’s going anywhere. He never did ask for my number and it’s a pretty big campus," she said. She didn’t seem too disappointed though. I could see her staring past me towards the bar, her eyes electric and her face glowing a pink hue. "There are other guys I have my eye on anyways." I slowly turned around to see who she was looking at. A cute guy with blonde curly hair was smiling at her.

  "Go talk to him," I said smiling.

  "You don’t mind?"

  "No. Go. I’m gonna go freshen up anyways," I said, even though I secretly wanted to watch how it went with her and the cute bar guy.

  "Okay." Lexie smiled and walked up to the guy, her heals clicking on the floor as she walked in that hip-swaying sexy way. I chuckled a little and then headed off to the washroom.

  I walked down the dimly lit corridor and turned the corner to find a girl all over some guy. She was wearing a slinky emerald dress and strappy heals. He had a hand in her long curly black hair and another one caressing her light brown shoulder. I laughed a little to myself, thinking they should get a room. "Mmm.... you’re such a good kisser," the slutty girl said pulling out of the kiss.

  I tried to look away as I walked past them into the washroom. But as I pushed the door open, I saw a glimpse of his face and my own flashed red and hot. It was Jessie. My heart stopped for a moment and I quickly rushed into the bathroom and shut the door behind me. I felt so stupid in that moment. The guy I had just been gushing about was making out in the back of a bar with some girl in a slutty dress.

  Suddenly my heart began to pound as tears flooded my eyes. I really liked him. It kept repeating in my head over and over. I liked him. I really really liked him. He was sweet. He was romantic. He was making out with another girl right now and I trusted him. I swooned for him. I felt stupid. I felt embarrassed and ashamed. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to cry. I took a deep breath and went and looked into the mirror, swallowing hard as I saw the redness in my eyes. A couple tears slipped down.

  We never said we were exclusive and we had only been dating for a few weeks. Maybe I was completely over reacting to the situation. Could I really be mad at him for this? I was. I couldn’t help it but I was furious. He didn’t care about me at all. And now I was stuck in the dirty bathroom of a bar, too afraid to go out and face him. Maybe I could slip past him, I thought.

  All of a sudden the bathroom door opened. It was sleazy girl. I wanted to go over there and slap her as she pulled the spaghetti string strap of her dress back onto her shoulder. She smiled as she walked over to the mirror and grabbed her lip gloss out of her dainty little black purse. I could see her eyes wandering over to me with a look of disapproval for my completely underdressed apparel. I was in a pink camisole and blue jeans. There was no cleavage, nothing fancy or sexy about me. And now, here she was, the slut who made out with my guy, staring me down. I didn’t know what to say at that moment. I knew I should say absolutely nothing and walk out of there right then and there. But I was frozen in the moment.

  Suddenly words just slipped out of my mouth. "It’s hot in here." Why did I say that? She just looked at me and then back to the mirror, smo
oshing her lips together to even out her red lip gloss. Then she walked out of the bathroom briskly, letting her heals click loudly on the tile floor. I let out a deep breath as she left. I should have smacked her. No, I couldn’t do that. I never would have the guts to do that. I looked back into the mirror and saw my pathetic face and knew it was time to have another drink so I walked back to my table, luckily not seeing Jessie on my way out. That would have been too mortifying. I couldn’t face him.

  "Hey," Lexie said as I sat back down. I gave her a forced smile as I waved to the waitress. Lexie looked at me with those concerned eyes as I ordered another strawberry margarita, this time a double. "What’s going on?" Lexie asked.

  "I just need to drink," I said plainly as I stared at the floor, my eyes fuming with rage.

  "I know you a little better than that. What the hell happened back there?"

  "Sleazy bitch over there happened," I said pointing to the same girl who had just joined Jessie at the pool table. She was draping herself all over him as he chalked up his pool cue.

  "What an ass!" Lexie said harshly as she watched them. "I’ll be right back."

  I wasn’t going to stop her. I secretly wanted to go over there myself but I didn’t have the guts. I would never have had the guts. But Lexie would never let anyone get away with hurting her best friend. I watched her from across the room as she went up to him and grabbed the beer out of his hand and splashed it all over him and slutty girl with fury. He looked so confused until I caught his eye. I could see him utter ‘damn it.’

  "Let’s get out of here, Jessie," sleazy girl said as she gave Lexie a dirty look. His face was still stunned as the girl pulled on his arm.

  "Just a minute," he told her and pulled out his wallet and put a green twenty and a purple ten on his table. They quickly left, the girl’s eyes glaring at everyone while Jessie’s eyes looked down.

  "Ass!" Lexie yelled out at him as they walked through the glass doors and disappeared into the darkness. She quickly headed back to our table as a buff looking man who I figured was a bar staff headed towards our table with a displeased look on his face.

  "We’re going," I said as I put some cash down on the table and we quickly left before he came any closer. The piercing look in his eyes was daunting enough. I didn’t even want to know what he was like to talk to.

  "Sweetie, I’m so sorry. Are you going to be okay?" she asked as we reached the car.

  "I don’t know. Seeing you pour beer all over them definitely helped," I said with a slight laugh, despite my sorrow.

  "He’s an ass. He deserved it."

  "We never did say we were exclusive though," I said meekly. I don’t know why I was making excuses for him.

  "It doesn’t matter. He’s a jerk. A real guy doesn’t go around with sleazy bitches hanging all over them while they are dating another girl," she said, her eyes dark as she shook her head.

  "Thanks." My eyes drooped and felt like they were drowning in tears that I refused to let fall. I swallowed and got into the passenger seat of Lexie’s car.

  "Are you gonna be okay, though?" Lexie asked, her eyes soft and her forehead wrinkled as she looked at me.

  "Yeah." I took a deep breath and held it for a moment. I felt a burning in my gut but I wasn’t gonna let any tears fall.

  "Do you wanna go somewhere else instead of just going home to mope?" she asked me.

  "No. So what happened to cute guy at the bar," I asked, forcing the corners of my lips to upturn.

  "Oh, turns out he was there with a girl. She wasn’t too happy when I showed up at the bar and she found out he had been making eyes at me all evening."

  "Ouch. What a player."

  "I know. God, guys can suck so much!" she said as she drove. I could see her eyes rolling as she shook her head.

  I sighed. My guts still felt all twisty inside. As soon as we got home that evening, I let myself fall onto the comfy blue couch as Lexie kept making me giggle with all her jokes about bar slut and some other people that were at the bar. Shauna was there and she got some coolers out of the fridge and handed me one.

  "You know, I think I’ve seen her around before. She was on campus with a professor. They were in a quiet corner and she was definitely flirting with him. She certainly gets around. And what she was wearing! God, I mean seriously, do people really need to wear lacy tops with no bra at school?" Lexie ranted on playfully. I giggled as I took a sip of the lemony white Smirnoff Ice as it cooled my throat. Soon I found myself drinking it down quickly.

  "She isn’t the only one to flirt with a professor," Shauna joked. I instantly laughed, choking on my drink.

  "Shut up," Lexie said as she giggled and threw a couch pillow at Shauna.

  After an hour and a couple shots of tequila and that cooler, I decided I was too tired to stay up any longer. "As much as I love you guys, I think I gotta get to bed," I said as my head swam.

  "You’re no fun," Shauna said.

  "I’m plenty fun!" I said in a tipsy whine.

  "Goodnight, sweetie," Lexie said, totally understanding that my head needed to hit the pillow as soon as possible.

  As I dove in bed, I felt the room spinning. I sprawled out and stared through the narrow slit in the curtains at the stars. I don’t remember much else.

  My head throbbed as I awoke the next morning. As the light shone through the curtains into my bedroom, it stung my overtired eyes. I sat up and gasped in a big breath as I yawned. Getting up, I nearly fell as I stumbled over my feet.

  "Ouch," I muttered. "I hate morning. Mornings are my enemy." I let the words mumble through my teeth, my mind swimming in a groggy haze.

  I wanted to get back into bed and bundle up under the covers, my head hidden from the world. But as I looked at the clock, 11:57, I realized I was going to be late for my class at noon. In a panic, I quickly got dressed and grabbed my backpack. I haphazardly slammed the door as I left the apartment. The older lady next door, who was carrying groceries into her apartment, made a point to give me a dirty look. I glared at her briefly before running down the hall in a dirty pair of jeans and a blue shirt I found in the pile of laundry on my bedroom floor.

  I finally got to school after speeding twenty kilometres over the limit. It was 12:25pm as I reached the door to the lecture hall. I took in a deep breath and got ready to slip inside. I opened the door slowly as it made an urking sound. I could see an empty seat on the isle about ten rows down. I walked quietly down the steps and took a seat as the professor talked.

  Suddenly, I heard him stop talking. I didn’t look at him. I just sat down and pulled out my books inconspicuously as everyone looked towards me. I couldn’t bear to look up. I could feel his piercing eyes staring at me.

  "Name?" he said in a stern tone.

  "Me?" I quivered.

  "Name?"

  "Annalyn Johanssen," I said in a meek voice.

  "Late comers aren’t welcome in my lecture. Class starts at 12pm sharp. I don’t appreciate or even tolerate people disrupting my lecture. If you want to come back, make it on the break."

  My face felt warm as he stared at me. I felt frozen in the moment. I didn’t know what to do so I just stared back at him with wide eyes and a deeply wrinkled forehead.

  "Did I not make myself clear?" he asked. His voice was brimming with anger.

  "Um... I... I’m sorry. I’ll go." I could barely speak.

  I latched onto my backpack and turned around, rushing up the stairs towards the door. As soon as I made it out, I let out a whimpering sigh.

  "Damn it! Stupid, stupid, stupid. I’m so stupid." I didn’t know what else to say. There were no words to comfort myself.

  A few people walked past me in the hall. I could see their looks as they glanced at my red face. I couldn’t even bare to go to the washroom because I’d have to look in the mirror and see how embarrassed my face looked. I could feel the tears brimming on the surface of my eyes. I sucked in a breath and held them back as much as I c
ould. I wasn’t going to cry.

  I went and sat down on the bench across the hall and twiddled my thumbs nervously as I waited for the class to break. My stomach burned with a queasy hunger. I hadn’t eaten anything since the previous night. I hadn’t showered and I felt dirty and dragging. I just wanted to get out of there. I sighed and took out an anthropology textbook from my bag. I tried to read it, but the words blurred over. My thoughts were rambling on inside as I thought of Jessie and bar slut, the professor and all the staring students.

  An hour and fifteen minutes later, the doors to the lecture hall suddenly opened and out flowed a crowd of students in desperate need of coffee, snacks and a bathroom break. I could see them whispering as they walked past me. A few of them were giggling. Others were shaking their head. After a few minutes I walked over to the lecture hall and peered in. There were about fifty students still sitting there. At the front of the room, the professor was thumbing through some of his overheads. I went and found a seat at the very back of the three hundred seat room and hoped no one had been sitting there.

  For the next hour and a half, I tried sitting through the lecture but my thoughts were constantly shifting back to the issues on hand. I felt the sting of emotions rushing through my mind — images of Jessie making out with the sleazy girl in the bar. I crinkled my face as I tried to think of something else. Finally class ended and I rushed out the doors, the first one out.

  As I drove home, my mind was drifting from the road. I felt like my dreams were being crushed beneath me. I had been slapped around, used, mortified. I was stupid. I was so completely stupid. I stayed up late drinking instead of preparing for school. I had let myself fall for a guy that was only playing with me while he teetered with his other girls on the side. So stupid. I felt deep shame and simply went home and covered myself up in the bed for the next few hours, my burgundy comforter being my only solace. Something told me that day that my dreams were being rifled away. I knew this was just the beginning of something greater to come.