Blind Kiss

  I placed my hand flush on her belly and she didn’t flinch. “Have you felt the baby kick yet?” I asked.

  “Flutters.” She was still scanning my face with intensity. “What’s going on in that big brain of yours, Gav?” She put her palm to my cheek.

  “Don’t touch me like that.”

  Shaking her head and pulling her hand back, she said, “Yes, you’re right. Sorry.”

  “You said no, right?” I asked again.

  She swallowed.

  “Tell me you said no.” I grabbed her hand and ran my thumb down her ring finger. “No ring.”

  Her eyes filled with tears. “I can’t live with my mom, Gavin. My mother can’t support a baby and me. She can barely support herself and Kiki on a secretary’s wage.”

  “Get a job then. I can help. My dad can help.”

  “I’m not taking handouts.”

  “It wouldn’t be a handout. Tell me you said no.”

  I pulled her to me as she started to cry. I held her tightly against my body. This is how it feels to have your heart broken. She felt guilty because she knew she was breaking me apart.

  “What did you think?” she sniffled. “That you and I . . . what? You just graduated from college.”

  “I have two degrees now. I’ll get a better job than Pete’s garage. Tell me you said no.”

  Pulling away with resolve, she wiped the tears from her face. “But I love him.”

  I shook my head vehemently. “No! You don’t.”

  “Yes, Gavin. He’s going to be the father of my child.”

  “That doesn’t mean you love him.”

  “I said yes. I said yes. We’re going to get married.”

  The crushing ache in my chest was getting stronger. “Why were you waiting to tell me? Why?” My voice was frantic.

  She walked over to get her long sweater, insecurity showing in her movements for the first time since I’d met her. “Because I knew you’d have this reaction. Lance is ready to be a husband and a father. He cares so much for me.”

  “Yes!” I shouted. “He’s in love with you. I get it! I know how he feels!”

  “Oh, don’t come at me with your declarations now. You said I wasn’t your Carissa, remember? I’m probably not even your Lottie or Kimber, either.”

  How far would I go to convince her? No, Penny, you’re not my Carissa or Lottie or Kimber. You’re my everything.

  I was too weak to fight anymore. “That’s right. What we have is different,” I said, resigned.

  She put her tiny hands on my shoulders to calm me. “Friendship,” she said. “A deep, meaningful friendship.”

  “A deep, meaningful friendship,” I repeated. But I had to try one last time. “I can take care of you, Penny.”

  Still staring up at me, she silently shook her head for several moments. Was she contemplating it? “It’s too late,” she whispered, before pushing past me and running up the stairs.

  I left Fort Collins that day. I ran from Penny and her growing belly, my dad’s worldly advice, Pete’s garage, and all the reminders that I was in love with a girl I couldn’t have.

  26. Three Months Ago

  GAVIN

  Sitting in the shadow of my father’s porch, I stared at Penny’s house the next morning. Had I done the right thing by intervening? Was I muddying the waters for her? Had I always been?

  Lance left for work first, and then Penny took Milo to school. When she returned, I got into my car and sped down the street.

  “Get in,” I yelled from the window as she was heading into the house.

  Startled, she turned and stared at me for a few moments before walking toward my car. There were dark circles under her beautiful eyes, and she was wearing sweats and a hoodie, and her hair pulled back into a bun. She looked tormented.

  “What do you want, Gavin?”

  “I want you to get in the car and go for a drive with me so we can talk.”

  She took a deep breath and got in, reluctantly. She shoved her large purse between us, creating a physical barrier.

  We drove to Grandview Cemetery, where both of our fathers were buried: mine in the ground, hers in an urn behind a little glass window in the mausoleum. I never understood why her mom chose to do that.

  “I always wondered, why didn’t your mom let you guys spread the ashes somewhere special for your dad?”

  “I don’t know why my mom does half the things she does. Is that what you wanted to talk to me about?” She stared out the car window impassively.

  “How often do you guys fight over me? Am I making things harder for you?”

  “What do you want to do, Gavin? Run away to make my life easier and happier? Do you think that’ll solve everything?”

  “I don’t know.”

  She turned to me. “When you’re on your little treks around the world with your latest fling, do you think Lance and I are hunky-dory?”

  “I don’t know, Penny. But what was this latest fight over?”

  “Milo told him we had a fun day together. It was enough to push him over the edge.”

  “I thought you told Lance everything?”

  “I tell him when I’m with you. I don’t tell him I’m having the best time of my life.” Her voice cracked. She looked out the window again.

  I threw her purse on the floor and pulled her into my arms. “We’re close now,” I whispered near her ear. “Aren’t we?”

  “I don’t know what to do. Why are we going to the cemetery?”

  “Because I haven’t been here since I buried him and I need you. I need you with me. I also need to tell you that I can’t sit by and watch you be miserable anymore. Last night was the last straw for me. You need to ask for a separation.”

  “What are you going to do, fight him?”

  “No. I’m going to get out of your life so he won’t have anything to be jealous of. So you can go on and not feel conflicted. I’m not helping you by being in Fort Collins.”

  “I told him you have a girlfriend.”

  “I’ve always had a girlfriend. You know that doesn’t matter to him. He’ll always be jealous as long as I’m around. Listen, why don’t you have Ling come out? You guys can stay in my apartment in Denver and put some space between you and Lance.”

  “And you?”

  “And me what?”

  “Put some space between you and me?” she said.

  I didn’t answer even though she was right. “Let’s go see my dad.”

  We walked slowly toward my father’s grave. The grass hadn’t grown in yet, reminding me of how recent his death was. I kissed the top of his tombstone. “Hi, Dad.” My throat was tight but I tried not to cry. Penny stood behind me, rubbing my back.

  She kissed her hand and touched his tombstone. “Hi, Frank.” We stood there in silence for several moments. “What are you thinking about, Gavin?”

  “I’m thinking about the day he came to see me after I moved to Denver. He told me you were marrying Lance, but I already knew. He said you’d been over a lot recently, pregnant and shooting arrows in three feet of snow in his backyard. He wondered why you were always there . . . if it was because you missed your dad—”

  “It was because I missed you.” Her voice broke.

  “I know. That’s what he said. He told me to grow up, to come back, to go to your wedding, and to be a good friend.” My voice was shaking now, too. “He said it would be worth it to have you in my life forever.”

  “Has it been, Gavin?”

  “Well, you’re here with me now, rubbing my back. You’ve always been there for me. So yes. But how much can we fuck with what’s right? I can’t watch you and Lance fight anymore.”

  “It’s complicated.”

  I looked down at the tombstone. “You gave my dad something he never got from me. When you asked him to walk you down the aisle, when you brought Milo to his house . . . all the things he wanted so badly from me . . . a semblance of family . . . he got all that from you.” I turned and looked at her. “Thank
you for what you did for him.”

  She nodded, unwavering, stoic.

  “But, Penny, you and Lance . . . it’s not real, it’s just comfortable. And now I’m not sure you can even say that anymore, can you?”

  “No, I can’t.”

  “What are you going to do?”

  “Take you up on your offer. I’ll have Milo stay with my mom for a few weeks until I can figure things out with Lance. I’ll put some space between us.”

  “You need to demand that you guys go to counseling at least.”

  “I can’t divorce him, though, Gavin.”

  “What? Why?”

  “He’s all I’ve ever known.”

  “You’re conditioned to feel that way but it’s just inertia. You’re a capable and intelligent woman, Penny. You don’t have to accept these imagined limitations. You could finally start your career and get a job.”

  “Doing what? I’ve never worked a day in my life.”

  “Teaching dance.” She cocked her head to the side and smiled softly, as if she were touched by my words, but she didn’t say anything.

  After a moment, I took her hand and pulled her toward the car.

  “Do you want to go up to see your father?”

  “Okay,” she said.

  I drove my car to the mausoleum. “Just tell me this. What else has he done to you? Has he ever hit you?”

  “No. He’s just controlling.”

  “Yeah, that’s the understatement of the century.”

  “I don’t think he would be that way if it weren’t for . . .”

  “Say it, Penny. Go ahead.”

  I turned my whole body toward her and looked at her intently, waiting for her to say the words.

  “He’s jealous of my relationship with you.”

  There it was. “Penny, he’s kept you at home, doting over your child, but Milo’s a fucking genius, for God’s sake. He’ll be off to college in the fall, and then what? What will you do, Penny? Make pie for Lance? Let him tell you who you should hang out with, and when and how often?”

  She started crying into her hands. I had finally broken her down. I gave her a T-shirt from the backseat, and she blew her nose into it. “Thanks.”

  “I’m sorry, Penny. I don’t want to make you cry. I just want you to confront the truth. I want you to be happy.” She blew her nose again. “Let’s go inside.”

  We went into the mausoleum, where we immediately came upon her father’s urn behind the glass. It was a beautiful copper vessel engraved with the words Liam Charles Piper. Husband, Father, Brother, Son. Brilliant Loving Soul.

  “Penny!” We heard Kiki’s voice before we saw her. “I didn’t know you were coming to visit Dad today.”

  “Oh fuck,” Penny said under her breath. Her eyes were still puffy from crying. She turned toward her sister and tried to muster her biggest smile. “Hey, Keeks.”

  Kiki’s big blue eyes shot open wider than I thought possible. She looked up at me. “Gavin, what’s going on?”

  “Hey, Keeks,” I said. “Long time, no see.” A part of me still couldn’t believe that the former, beribboned beauty queen was now a tomboyish microbiologist with a platinum-blond pixie cut. Even more amazing: she worked at the same pharmaceutical company that Liam had worked at for most of his adult life.

  “Is something going on, Penny?” she said.

  “Penny,” I coaxed her.

  Penny just stood there, shaking her head. Kiki pulled her in for a hug. “Is this about Dad?”

  Penny shook her head.

  “Is it about Milo or Lance? Are they okay?” Kiki asked.

  I looked at her and mouthed, Lance.

  Kiki hated Lance. To be fair, she didn’t approve of most men, or traditional values of marriage and motherhood. After she left the pageant circuit and Liam passed away, she grew into one of the fiercest, strongest feminists I knew. She was dead set against Penny marrying Lance, believing she was doing it out of a warped sense of obligation. She was very vocal about her feelings for Lance, which meant that Kiki didn’t come over to Penny’s very often.

  “What did he do this time?” Kiki pressed. “Don’t tell me. I already know. He’s an ass. He’s been an ass since you married him.”

  Penny shook her head. “He’s a good dad. And no, he hasn’t been an ass since I married him.”

  Kiki gripped Penny by the shoulders. “Don’t lie in front of Dad’s ashes, P. What happened?” Kiki was getting angrier by the second.

  “He’s fed up with my relationship with Gavin and . . . I don’t know, lots of other things.”

  “Gavin is your best friend.” People always said that but it never helped the situation. Even Kiki knew it.

  “Keeks,” Penny warned, “he doesn’t understand.”

  “Let’s go outside,” I said. “We’ll fill you in on everything.” Kiki let go of Penny and touched the glass in front of the urn. “Dad, sorry you had to see this.”

  Penny touched the glass, too. Emotional, she managed a weak, “Daddy.”

  ONCE OUTSIDE, WE shared our plan with Kiki to send Penny to my apartment in Denver while I stayed at my dad’s house in Fort Collins, which seemed to quell some of her anger.

  Kiki took out her keys and handed them to me. “Take her to my apartment for now. I’ll go to her house, pack up some of her things, pick up Milo from school, and drop him off at my mom’s.”

  Penny merely nodded and handed over her own keys. Her lips were dry and the cold air was not helping. She looked sick. She was sick, and tortured. She gave Kiki her keys and Kiki gave me hers. Penny attempted a smile, but her swollen lips cracked and began to bleed. I wiped the blood away with my thumb and rubbed it on my jeans.

  I walked Penny to the passenger door of my car and helped her in. “My fucking knee,” she said, but I knew that wasn’t why she was weak.

  She looked out the window the whole time during the short drive to Kiki’s apartment.

  “You know Kiki would let you stay here instead of my place?” I told her as I unlocked the front door.

  She wandered into the living room and curled up on the couch. “No, it’s too close. I want to get away.”

  I draped a throw blanket over her and squeezed her shoulder.

  “Thank you, Gavin.”

  I nodded. “I’m going to talk to him. I want you to know that.”

  “He won’t listen to you. He’s too hurt. I hurt him. I’ve been hurting him for our whole marriage.” She started to cry again.

  “Just let me talk to him. I won’t start a fight with him, I swear. I won’t let it get to that. You just focus on getting some rest. I’ll be back later and we’ll figure things out.”

  She waved me off, turned over, and fell asleep.

  27. Fourteen Years Ago

  GAVIN

  Why am I in Carissa’s bed? Fuck. I was naked and alone. Blurry memories from the night before came flooding back to me.

  We had gone out and I had gotten drunk. I started spilling my guts about Penny. Carissa told me she could make me forget about everything for a little while.

  Liar.

  Carissa stood in the doorway, wearing a kimono.

  “Did we . . . ?”

  “That has to be the most insulting morning-after statement ever, Gavin.” She looked pissed.

  “So . . . we did?”

  “No, we didn’t. You wouldn’t shut up about Penny. Total turnoff.”

  The doorbell rang and Carissa left the room to answer it.

  “Gavin!” she yelled. “Your daddy’s here!”

  What the hell?

  I threw on a pair of jeans and stumbled over to the door, glancing at the clock on the way. It was eleven a.m. “You look like shit, kid,” my dad said when I opened the door.

  “Thanks.” I gave him a quick side-hug.

  “You smell like shit, too.”

  “How’d you find me? You could have called.”

  He smiled sympathetically. “I know you better than you think. You would have prete
nded everything was fine, but I can see that it’s not. You’d just keep running, like you always do.”

  “I’m not running.”

  “Listen, I need to talk to you. Throw on a pair of shoes and a shirt and let’s get brunch.”

  My dad didn’t do brunch. He meant a burger and a beer. I sighed. “Tell me how you knew I was here.”

  “Penny thought you might be.”

  Of course she did. “Fucking Penny,” I said. When I turned around, Carissa rolled her eyes at me and sashayed into the bathroom, shutting the door behind her.

  I walked over and whispered through the door, “I’ll be back in a bit.”

  “No, you won’t,” she said in a muffled voice. “Get your stuff and leave.”

  My dad laughed from the doorway. “Nice.” I walked into Carissa’s bedroom, grabbed my bag, threw on a T-shirt and shoes, and met my dad in the stairwell.

  “Where are you staying, son?” my dad asked as we walked toward the car. “Not here, I hope? Looks like you’ve been evicted by the little lady.”

  I shrugged. “Just couch-surfing. Mike already got a roommate.”

  “You planning on staying in Denver and looking for a job?”

  “Yeah, that’s the plan.”

  We got into his truck and he started the engine. Without looking at me, he said, “I’ll float you. Get you set up here until you find work.”

  Relief washed over me. “Seriously, Dad, that would help me out so much—”

  “On one condition . . .”

  Oh shit.

  “Penny wants you to be in her wedding. And I told her I would walk her down the aisle.”

  “What?”

  It had been two months since I’d walked out of Penny’s basement after she told me she was going to marry Lance. We hadn’t spoken since then.

  “She’s been coming over a lot. Hanging around, shooting arrows in my backyard. She misses you. She wants you to be in the wedding. It’s in a month.”

  “She feels so close to you that she’d ask you to give her away?”

  He pulled up at a stoplight and turned to look at me. “Her exact words were, ‘Gavin told me you were sad you didn’t have a daughter to walk down the aisle.’ So this was actually your doing.”