Awful, Ohio
***
Wilsie McHickoryboob slammed the door behind them, as both Chuck and Doink fell onto their knees, gasping for air. The room was dark, with plenty of cold air to offer their hot lungs, as they inhaled heavily, feeding their over worked bodies.
“Who knows what they would have done to us,” exhaled Doink, attempting to fill his body with oxygen. Doink looked up towards Wilsie, relieved that she was there to let them into the abandoned building, saying “thank you.”
Chuck Splattered elbowed Doink sharply in the ribs, discouraging Doink from offering Wilsie any praise. But Doink was unaffected, as he was too relieved. “For a brief moment, I had an out of body experience. I was able to envision the future, and I could see myself, screaming and kicking as I was being apprehended by the Awful, Ohio authorities, where they then mercilessly sentenced me to an eternity in the Awful, Ohio prison.”
“Why would you think that?” questioned Wilsie, listening to Doink’s story. She analyzed the both of them, thinking that they were two imbeciles unaware of anything around them. “They would have just relocated you both to their safety locations. They are scouring the area for anyone that is outside.”
Wilsie was calm with her response, opposing the hysterical and theatrical ideas that were formulating inside the minds of Chuck and Doink. They both had envisioned the Coercive Prevention Force helicopter permanently incarcerating them because of their history of misbehavior. But instead Wilsie had simplified the purpose of Awful’s Coercive Prevention Force as a public service, offering aid to those in need.
“What? What safety locations? Why are they doing that?” interrupted Doink, still panting while resting his upper body on his knees.
“Where have you both been in that past few hours?” criticized Wilsie, empowering her knowledge over the uninformed, shocked at how unaware they were of the important events taking place. “It’s been all over the papers and everywhere in the news. I mean, no story in the existence of Awful, Ohio has ever gotten so much coverage.”
Chuck Splatter and Doink McTriggers both looked at one another, unaware of how unaware they were, listening to what Wilsie was talking about, as she was guiding them into the belly of the abandoned building, towards the boiler room.
“There have been numerous reports in the past hour of people reporting to have been abducted by aliens. All of the abductees are prophesizing the mass destruction of Awful, Ohio and the genocide of all its citizens. It is all over the front pages of the Awful Gazette.” Wilsie began to lead them both further into the abandoned building. Doink was subdued by Wilsie’s information, as another out of body experience overcame him, projecting a futuristic image of him watching his decapitated body being dissected on a laboratory table by the little, hamster sized aliens, as his separated head watched from the isolation of a liquid filled jar from the corner of a room.
But Chuck was more focused on Wilsie’s comfort in the abandoned building, rather than her breaking news report. He watched her walking in front of him, barricading through the hallway, like it was an underground bunker. Her shoulders were prominently confident, as her pony tail strongly strapped over her clavicle like a body guard, ready to fend off all enemy insurgents. Chuck Splatter thought it was odd for someone who was kidnapped and interrogated in that same building to be cruising through it so comfortably. Chuck thought it would have been more appropriate had he seen Wilsie cowering in fear at the sight of him and Doink, pressing deep into the confining shadows, so not to be seen by her kidnappers.
Chuck Splatter believed that something occurred while he was in Loogie’s Diner, something to displace all the fears that Wilsie McHickoryboob should be going through. Possibly a reassuring encounter with Sammy Ammo? Chuck just couldn’t figure it out. He was growing increasingly paranoid. But regardless of his skepticism, Wilsie continued leading the way, as Chuck and Doink both followed, further into the abandoned building, advancing closer to the boiler room, as Wilsie proceeded to inform them of what they were unaware of.
“These articles explain the warnings that the abducted Awful, Ohio citizens are professing.” Wilsie had the articles in her hand, turning around to show Chuck and Doink.
“Supposedly,” Wilsie continued, “every one of them was crusading through center city today, pronouncing the alien invasions that are about to take place. No one believed them, of course. But after they were all questioned, all of their stories matched up!”
Chuck Splatter was frustrated at having to listen to Wilsie, and even more frustrated for having to rely on her for information. He felt inferior, submissively listening and following her towards the boiler room, as if the years of working with Sammy Ammo no longer held any value. The tender flesh constructing his misaligned face began to swell from the anger-induced heat, as it began to conquer all of his nerves. Chuck Splatter involuntarily leaned forward, balancing on the tips of his toes, ready to lunge towards Wilsie and strangle her neck until she was permanently incapable of ejecting words from her mouth. But before he could commit to his intentions, a gentle fly glided through the air, softly hovering above Wilsie’s shoulder, ready to ease down for a smooth landing. But on high alert, her pony tail launched out like the tongue of a frog, grabbing a hold of the fly before it could land. The tips of her hair quickly tied around separate parts of the fly’s body, pulling away in every direction, dismembering the fly in several pieces, before engulfing each body part. Chuck Splatter prevented his assault, as he watched the pony tail devour the fly, one body part at a time, with each portion protruding from the surface of Wilsie’s pony tail, like the outline of a freshly swallowed fawn entering into the evaporating bowels of a satisfied python. Chuck fell back onto the heels of his feet, keeping his distance from Wilsie’s overseer, as he allowed every hammering word of information, spewing from Wilsie McHickoryboob’s mouth, to wallop him on the head, driving him further down the hierarchal ladder.
“Multiple sources had confessed to the alien invasion,” Wilsie further explained. “They were all flocking wildly through center city, preaching of the aliens and their destructive intentions. They had all described the same story, how they had been abducted, and how they had forgotten about the abduction because of a mind erasing praxis. But then they all remembered, because one individual had not been induced to the mind erasing praxis. Supposedly, that one individual that sought everyone that was abducted, to remind them all of the abduction, is the chosen one!”
Wilsie spoke with deep appreciation, thankful that the chosen one had been relieved from the mind-erasing praxis induced by the aliens, so that he could bring forth this important information. She thought that this individual, deemed as the chosen one, was a messenger, warning them from the aliens’ damnation. She thought of the messenger the same way one would think of a protective angel, unaware that it was actually Troy Slushy and his scripted intentions.
“Clearly, none of this is a coincidence!” she reaffirmed.
Chuck Splatter felt his worth reduced, as he submissively listened to Wilsie McHickoryboob, accepting all of her statements as true. And worst of all, as bothersome and unnerving as it was, Chuck felt compelled to continue listening to Wilsie for more information, as he wanted to know what else was going on in Awful, Ohio, only reinforcing his submission as an inferior cohort.
“So where is everyone?” questioned Chuck, quick to ask the obvious question, hoping to at least keep Doink at the bottom of the hierarchal ladder. Chuck tried looking into Wilsie’s eyes while asking the question, but she remembered his facial impairment and refused to make eye contact. The loveless neglect painfully surged through Chuck Splatter, compressing his jaw, causing his teeth to grind loudly. Chuck Splatter continued following, hating every ounce of lipid flesh that was Wilsie McHickoryboob.
“The mayor had learned of the information,” Wilsie continued, “taking immediate action. Here, his entire announcement is listed in this article.” Wilsie handed Chuck a newspaper that was headlined:
Special Edition: Alien Invas
ion In Awful, Ohio!
Doink pulled up closely to Chuck, tagging him, then reading the following, front paged announcement with Chuck, spoken from the Awful, Ohio Mayor:
“FROM NOW UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE, AWFUL, OHIO IS UNDER COMPLETE LOCK DOWN. I AM ISSUING A PANIC OF EMERGENCY, AND ALL CITIZENS MUST REMAIN INSIDE OF THEIR HOMES, AND SHELTER THEMSELVES FROM ALL EXTRATERRESTRIALS INVADING AWFUL, OHIO. ANY SAUCER SHAPED STRUCTURE, FLOATING IN THE AIR, IS OTHERWORLDLY, AND SHOULD NOT BE APPROACHED. IT SHOULD BE TREATED WITH EXTREME FEAR, AS IT IS THERE TO INFLICT HARM AND DANGER TO ALL OF US. I HAVE ISSUED AWFUL’S COERCIVE PREVENTION FORCE TO CLEAR THE STREETS OF ANYONE WHO HAS NOT FOUND SHELTER FROM THE INVADING ALIENS THAT ARE CERTAINLY GOING TO INVADE OUR STUPENDOUS CITY, AND CAUSE CIVILIAN HARM. ONCE THE COERCIVE PREVENTION FORCE HAS AFFIRMED THAT THE STREETS AND SIDEWALKS OF AWFUL, OHIO HAVE BEEN CLEARED, AND THAT ALL OF THE CITIZENS ARE IN FACT LOCKED SAFELY WITHIN THE SHELTERS OF THEIR OWN HOMES, THE COERCIVE PREVENTION FORCE WILL ENGAGE IN OPERATION BLACKOUT. AWFUL, OHIO WILL BE ENTIRELY BLOTTED OFF THE MAP, SO THAT ANY INVADING EXTRATERRESTRIAL WILL BE UNABLE TO DISCOVER THE LOCATION OF AWFUL, OHIO, AND PREVENT THEM FROM CAUSING ANY MORE HARM TO OUR BEAUTIFUL CIVILIANS.
“IN THE MEAN TIME, WHOEVER IS THE ABDUCTED INDIVIDUAL THAT DID NOT UNDERGO THE MIND ERASING PRAXIS, DEPLOYED BY THE ALIENS, PLEASE SURRENDER YOURSELF TO THE AUTHORITIES. WE WISH YOU NO HARM, AS WE ONLY WANT YOUR KNOWLEDGE, AS YOU ARE THE ONLY RELIABLE SOURCE OF ABDUCTED INFORMATION, AS YOU HAVE NOT BEEN HARMED BY THE MIND ERASING PRAXIS. ANYONE BARING KNOWLEDGE OF THE ABDUCTED INDIVIDUAL THAT DID NOT UNDERGO THE MIND ERASING PRAXIS, PLEASE BRING THAT INFORMATION FORWARD. IT IS EMINENT THAT WE FIND OUT AS MUCH OF THE ALIENS’ INTENTIONS THAT WE CAN FIND, SO THAT WE MAY BE BETTER PREPARED FOR THEIR INVASION.
“I WILL INFORM YOU ALL WHEN IT IS APPROPRIATELY SAFE TO LEAVE THE SAFETY OF YOUR HOMES, WHEN WE HAVE CONFIRMATION FROM THE COERCIVE PREVENTION FORCE THAT AWFUL, OHIO IS ONCE AGAIN ONE OF THE MOST SHELTERED PLACES ON EARTH. I HOPE THAT ALL OF YOU REMAIN IN PEACE, KNOWING THAT THESE ALIENS ARE NOT COMING IN PEACE, AND HOPE THAT WE ARE ALL SOON RELIEVED FROM THESE UNFORTUNATE INCIDENTS OF EVENTS.”
The announcement of the mayor conjoined with the information that Chuck and Doink had received earlier that day from the stranger, reinforcing the message of alien invasions. Both of their view points on reality had just transformed, with life’s meaning and importance exploding beyond the realm of money and materialistic possessions. They were now dealing with otherworldly creatures entering into their cosmic equation. Chuck Splatter and Doink McTriggers both remained silent, contemplating life’s new equation.
“Holy smokes,” recited Doink McTriggers. “It really is happening.” Doink had another out of body experience, foreseeing the future, envisioning his body caged in a zoo, located on a distant planet. He could see little alien children passing by, just to see the “earthling exhibit,” as they all threw pellets and peanuts in his cage, to watch him eat off the floor.
“You’re damn right this is really happening” insisted Sammy Ammo. Sammy Ammo emerged from the shadows of the boiler room, walking upright and poised in his torn clothing. His gun was shining, still warmly fused in the kneading palm of his caressing fin. He walked slowly towards the other three individuals, engaging into their conversation, seeking resolution. “And instead of being out there, trying to discover Mad Ted’s intentions, we’re stuck in here.”
“Sammy, I didn’t know you were here,” responded Chuck Splatter, softly, unphased by Sammy Ammo’s concerns. Chuck stared at Sammy Ammo, as he emerged from the shadows of the boiler room to stand beside Wilsie. Chuck looked in their direction, as their figures stood side by side in his visual periphery, realizing that the both of them had been alone while he and Doink were at Loogie’s. Thoughts of Sammy and Wilsie flaunted through Chuck’s mind, as he envisioned Wilsie engaging with Sammy in menacing acts of debauchery throughout Awful, Ohio. He envisioned Wilsie, helping Sammy retrieve the objects that they were entitled to, through the fearful store owners. He envisioned them running aimlessly through grocery stores, having their pick of food, and he envisioned Wilsie and Sammy helping themselves to the contents of every convenient ATM machine.
“Yeah, well, after you and Doink left,” responded Sammy Ammo, “Wilsie and I tried to find anything we could on Mad Ted. We were making good progress. But then, all of these news reports of alien invasions were popping up, and then the masses were evacuated from the city, and Wilsie and I stowed away in here, not sure where else to go.”
But Chuck was too preoccupied with his burning emotions to acknowledge Sammy’s statement. The news of Sammy Ammo and Wilsie McHickoryboob working together caused Chuck Splatter’s emotions to collide, generating friction that built exploding heat. A bowel colored mist began to surround Chuck Splatter, as the liquids inside of his heated body began to evaporate through his pores. Chuck Splatter continued growing with paranoia and envy, fearing that he was becoming increasingly replaced with every moment that Sammy Ammo and Wilsie McHickoryboob spent together.
“Are you alright?” questioned Doink, watching the mist evacuate from all of the ducts on Chuck Splatter’s body.
But Chuck Splatter was unresponsive, as the increasing rage fueled the inferno building inside. The vision of Sammy and Wilsie burned Chuck Splatter’s heart, as he felt betrayed, growing envious and wrathful. Chuck Splatter thought of Wilsie standing alone with Sammy in the abandoned building, planning their next great vicissitude, without the aid of Chuck. Chuck looked over to Wilsie, who was now comfortably sitting in the chair that she had originally been interrogated in, as if she had never been forcefully bound to the chair without her consent.
Chuck’s mind began racing with fabricated conclusions of what took place in the boiler room, while he was busy being served a grilled cheese sandwich from Claire in Loogie’s Diner. Chuck had to offer something to Sammy, to regain his value, as his mouth dropped open, to exhaust the burden of withholding the message that he received in Loogie’s Diner, as it became clear to him that the message that he received was delivered by the chosen one, as dubbed by the mayor.
“Sammy!” Chuck interjected, thinking that if he spoke quickly he’d be able to recapture his worth, looking towards Sammy Ammo. All three of them were already staring at Chuck, unsure of what was happening to his body. But Chuck managed to proceed, “Doink and I have found valuable information on Mad Ted from the chosen one mentioned in the article.”
The words echoed powerfully in the boiler room, like the revelation of an awakened minister, eradicating the vapors of the bowel colored mist like demons.
“What information!” cried Wilsie, ears wiggling mercilessly with the echoing vibrations. Her conceited desires ignored Chuck’s intention of delivering the information to Sammy Ammo.
“What information did you both manage to find,” replied Sammy, more calm, stepping towards Chuck. “Wilsie and I have both been searching and haven’t been able to come up with anything. So what is it that you both were able to discover?”
“Well,” Chuck started, recollecting his thoughts, increasingly intimidated by everything he could lose if he did not deliver the message correctly. The room became quiet again. Wilsie’s and Sammy’s visceral eyes shackled around Chuck’s body, concealing him into the room, until he released the stranger’s divine message.
“A long time ago, before Awful, Ohio was the economic success that it is today, an alien was sent to earth to herd all of the Awful, Ohio population. That alien was to have the herded population build Awful, Ohio. Then, after the alien had successfully herded all of the population into constructing Awful, Ohio, he would then signal to the aliens from another planet that the construction was completed. This is why all of these aliens are now coming to Awful, Ohio, because it is completed. The aliens are going to over take the civilians, and infringe onto the structures that the civilians built. That is why they’ve been abducting people, so that they can find our weaknesses.” Chuck spoke, allowing the effects of the divine
message to impose the importance on its own.
“Well, yeah. We already know that aliens are coming to Awful, Ohio, Chuck,” responded Wilsie, unimpressed with her pony tail chiding behind her, not allowing Chuck to impose new information upon her. “All of that is listed here in these articles,” Wilsie reaffirmed.
“Yeah, but what you don’t know,” rebutted Chuck, aggravated at Wilsie’s attempt to talk over him, but remaining calm “is that Mad Ted is the alien that was sent to Awful, Ohio.”
The information broke free from the confines of Chuck Splatter’s mind, as it pounded against Wilsie’s brain, slapping her hard with enough bravado to be on the front page of every circulated newspaper. Visions of awards and prizes began prancing through her mind, for bringing forth this illusive secret, exposing everything that was Mad Ted. Her pony tail started wagging, with her ears perking straight up, gathering every trinket of information that ejected from Chuck’s mouth like a discovered treasure chest.
“From the information that I’ve discovered,” continued Chuck, trying hard to remember the details of the stranger’s message, “the alien is the size of a hamster, and the alien is living inside of Mad Ted’s head. And inside of that head, are a bunch of control panels that the hamster-sized alien is using to operate the human suit that appears to be Mad Ted. And all of these control panels being operated by the alien has a computer processing chip that is more powerful than all of the combined computer processing chips in Awful, Ohio. This computer processing chip has allowed the alien to maximize its efficiency with minimal effort, allowing it to create such a successful industry.”
The room remained quiet, as all of the information soaked into the absorbent minds of the beings inhabiting the room. Chuck exhaled, relieved that he was able to project the information accurately, as he awaited the responses.
“It all makes sense,” Wilsie mumbled slowly, in disbelief. The impact of the information blinded Wilsie from all of her surroundings, hypnotically transforming her active awareness into an involuntary train of thought. She began to mutter everything that would sequence from this information, like a fortune teller deep in thought.
“This is why Mad Ted is so secretive. This is how he is able to transform all of his ideas into efficient forms of success, using otherworldly knowledge that has more sophistication and intelligence than anything on earth. This is clearly the most probable outcome,” Wilsie determined, using what she believed to be exceptional use of logic. “Mad Ted is a foreigner, and not just of another state or country, but of another planet bearing otherworldly knowledge!”
Wilsie gathered excitement, listening to the information, as the story she sought her entire career had just been delivered. It instantly inflated her ego, blimping her arrogance, as the subject that she had been attempting to expose for a majority of her journalistic career, was so secretive because he was in fact an alien, just as she assumed she had accurately assumed. Journalistic accolades and warming receptions floated through her mind. She envisioned the day that her article would be published and distributed to the masses, as each continuing second of that day would then become the most rewarding moment of her existence.
While the information had Wilsie McHickoryboob drifting through praise of her next article, Sammy Ammo began salivating. Thick liquid glossed over his chin, dripping over his chest through the ragged shirt, as the intoxicating information overwhelmed Sammy Ammo with simplicity. The divine message replayed in his brain, with each time eclipsing in more enjoyment than the previous time. It was empowering and rewarding, exceeding all of his expectations. Sammy was expecting that overtaking Mad Ted and usurping his power would require some complex plan of attack, derived from a theory needing a full sized text book to explain. Sammy Ammo was under the impression that his destiny of overtaking Mad Ted’s power was going to take years, maybe decades to accomplish. But instead, with the delivery of Chuck’s information, Sammy’s destiny had simplified into the tangible figure of a computer processing chip. And with the exposure to this divine message, Sammy Ammo realized everything that was his existence, clarifying his purpose, as he was solely created to acquire that chip.
“Chuck,” bellowed Sammy, as he caringly stared at Chuck Splatter’s massacred face, listening to his beating heart.
“Yes, Sammy,” replied Chuck Splatter, warmingly, enjoying the attention that cradled his orphaned soul. Chuck Splatter tensed up, anticipating Sammy’s response.
“How were you able to retrieve such valuable information?”
The question was sobering, as Wilsie turned to Chuck Splatter as well, wanting to verify the source. Chuck didn’t want to persuade Sammy with doubt, as he obediently expelled the source of the information immediately.
“The sole abductee, the chosen one that didn’t undergo the mind erasing praxis approached Doink and me while we were at Loogie’s Diner. He sat down with us, explaining everything to us, about Mad Ted, and how he was sent here decades ago on a mission to build Awful, Ohio for the benefit of the alien race that is going to invade Awful, Ohio.”
Sammy Ammo reloaded his eyes, as he blinked, looking over to Doink, asking, “can you confirm this?”
Doink repeatedly nodded his head, as he was becoming increasingly fearful every time the alien invasion was mentioned. Doink continued having out of body experiences.
“Chuck,” said Sammy Ammo, returning his vision back onto Chuck Splatter’s face. “This is wonderful information.” Sammy Ammo wiped his chin, as the salivation was increasingly embarrassing. He folded his hands behind his back, caressing the pistol that attached to his fin with his open hand.
“Clearly, the chosen one that embraced you both was intentionally salvaged from the mind-erasing praxis. It was his destiny to enter into the heavens, extracting the information from the divine, and bring forth that information to the both of you, so that you could then deliver it to me. His message is divine, and it is clearly no coincidence that it was brought to me. You both hold a deeper purpose than you realize.”
Chuck Splatter blushed immensely, as his toes curled hard enough to tear the insoles of his sneakers.
Sammy Ammo started to pace through the lit room, reciting the thoughts that freely entered into his mind, allowing everyone in the room to receive all of the profound information that he believed to have been delivered to him from divinity.
“With this information, I will be able to receive Mad Ted’s power, so that I may fulfill my own destiny of acquiring Mad Ted’s power, so that I may cease his opulent rule over Awful, Ohio and impose my own! It is my great intentions of utilizing all of this information so that I may follow my purpose, and release Awful, Ohio from its oppression, saving them from the intentions of Mad Ted. This has elevated into intergalactic warfare, as I must conquer what it is that I am being told to conquer. Chuck, clearly, it was your purpose that you and I were brought together, so that I may achieve my destiny for the salvation of mankind. Be proud of your purpose.”
Chuck Splatter allowed Sammy to continue staring at his disfigured face, warming the imperfect structure of his misaligned skin with comforting rays of attentive compassion and care. Sammy’s message was unclear to Chuck, but it didn’t matter to him, as the comforting position of returning to Sammy Ammo’s assistance was all that he sought.
“This evening, we will find Mad Ted, so that I may receive this computer processing chip.” Sammy started to circle the room, observing everyone, issuing priorities to each individual, to fulfill the objective of acquiring the computer processing chip.
“Wilsie, you will need to interrogate Mad Ted with an interview, so that we are able to receive this chip. Use your journalistic persuasion to extract that chip, so that I may then utilize it for my purpose.”
Wilsie McHickoryboob was thrilled with the assignment. She imagined all of the exposing information that she would receive from her interview that would only further expand the exposure of her award-winning article.
“Chuck,” replied Sammy, as he looked ba
ck at Chuck. Chuck grew comfortably warm, as he was expecting his job to be rewarding with importance, requiring his technical experience, all earned because of the divine information that he brought forth.
“You keep an eye on Doink, and combat any alien trying to abduct him,” continued Sammy Ammo, looking over at Doink, who was cradling on the floor, holding his knees, fearful of what the abducting aliens were going to do to his being.
Sammy Ammo then approached Wilsie McHickoryboob, utilizing the scripted information of divinity that transmitted from the mouth of the Loogie’s Diner messenger, into the mind of Chuck Splatter and Doink McTriggers, finally dispensing into Sammy Ammo and Wilsie McHickoryboob. Sammy and Wilsie united into a contemplation rink, allowing the information of the divine to clarify their purposes, as they both conducted the details of the interrogation and how they were planning on locating Mad Ted.
Chuck Splatter remained standing. His heart had dropped to the bottom of his feet, as he watched Sammy and Wilsie unite into an uninviting contemplation rink. They were heavily engaged, with unbreakable focus, listening carefully to each other’s ideas, of how they were going to achieve what it was that they both desired. Chuck’s plan had backfired, as it had only brought Sammy and Wilsie closer. Chuck no longer had to envision Wilsie and Sammy conspiring, as their unity was already on display. Chuck’s stomach dropped to the bottom of his feet, landing beside his heart. Disappointment pumped through his arteries. He looked down at Wilsie, who was still sitting in the chair, gloating in her own presupposed journalistic glory. She remained above him on the hierarchical ladder, conversing with Sammy, receiving the responsibility of the important duties, while Chuck was stuck as the baby sitter.
Chapter 16
“Mad, can I call you Mad?” – Wilsie McHickoryboob