Song of the Fireflies

  “You mean her drooling over Andrew? Yeah, kind of hard not to notice. Doesn’t Caleb care?”

  Grace chuckled and raised her head from my shoulder. “Not really,” she said. “He pulled me behind the Jeep earlier and told me he wanted her gone.”

  “That doesn’t surprise me.”

  She shook her head, glanced over at Johanna and Caleb again, and then added, “There’s something seriously wrong with that girl.”

  “That’s an understatement. How long have you known her?”

  “Just a few months. She moved into my apartment building.”

  Caleb got up and started digging around in his pockets. It may have been just to get away from Johanna for a moment.

  “Why doesn’t he just tell her that he’s not into her anymore?”

  “Because she lives in Virginia,” Grace said quietly. “He may be an ass sometimes, but he won’t leave her stranded so far away from home. I told him when we were at the Jeep he should just get her a bus ticket back to Norfolk.”

  “What did he say to that?”

  Grace brushed her long, dark hair away from her shoulders. She drew her knees up, leaned back, and propped herself up on her elbows.

  “He said that’s probably what he’ll do.”

  “Hey,” I said, “why are you with him, anyway? I mean, he doesn’t exactly seem like boyfriend material.”

  Grace smiled and let her bare knees sway side to side. “I’m not lookin’ for a boyfriend,” she said. “I just want to have fun. Got out of a bad relationship not long ago, and I ain’t in any hurry to jump into another one.”

  I could understand where she was coming from. Not that I felt the same way, though.

  “So, what did Elias say about your wrists?” Grace asked, lowering her voice.

  I crossed my legs and hid my hands in between them, my fingers moving over the bracelets absently. I didn’t want to talk about this, but I really liked Grace and I wanted her to know that.

  “He was upset, naturally,” I said. “But we’re OK. Elias understands me.”

  Grace smiled slimly, glanced at my wrists, and then let her body slouch farther in between her shoulders.

  “I never told anyone this before,” she said, looking out ahead of her, “but I had an older brother. Jacob. He was in the military. Two years in Iraq.” She glanced at me once and said, “He put a bullet in his head six weeks after he got home,” and then she looked away. Her gaze was fixated on the darkness, but I knew she was seeing her brother’s face.

  My heart fell. I twisted around on the sand to face her. “That’s… so fucked up, Grace. I’m so sorry.”

  She nodded and smiled a little. “Yeah, that’s the best way to describe it. Fucked up. He was in a bad place for a really long time. No one knew.” She gestured one hand in a backtracking fashion. “Well, we knew something was wrong. He was different when he came home. Isolated. And he had real bad anger issues. But we didn’t know he was capable of suicide.” Then her face fell, shadowed by the memory and her own guilt, which I knew she’d probably carry around forever. “We didn’t know until it was too late. The second chancers are lucky.” She pointed at me then, and her smile grew. “You’re lucky. Don’t ever forget it.”

  I didn’t really know what to say to that. I wanted to agree with her, but knowing that her brother wasn’t so lucky, I felt awful and thought it best to say nothing at all.

  Grace changed the mood quickly as she raised up and dusted the sand from the palms of her hands. Then she reached around and pulled her bikini bottoms from her butt crack.

  “Damn, I have too much ass to be wearing Jen’s bathing suits,” she grumbled as the bikini elastic snapped around her butt cheek.

  “I think I do, too,” I said and laughed with her.

  Tate and Jen were making out over on the blanket, Jen’s small body looking like a permanent fixture on top of his. Johanna looked bored sitting over there by herself, twirling her hair around her index finger. Caleb walked from cup to cup, dropping something into each one as he passed by.

  “What’s that?” I asked when he made it over to us.

  One side of Caleb’s mouth lifted into a grin. He dropped whatever it was into my cup. And then one in Elias’s.

  “Just a little something to shake this party up,” he said. “Completely harmless, I swear.”

  I wasn’t used to seeing Caleb so mischievous. He hardly ever smiled.

  Grace raised her cup that had been sitting beside her in the sand. “Don’t forget about me,” she said.

  “Hell no, baby,” he said and dropped something into hers last.

  I wasn’t sold at first, and Caleb noticed.

  “I swear!” he repeated with a breathy laugh.

  Grace leaned in toward me then and said, “If anything, this stuff will make you and Elias want to do sexual shit you’ve never tried before.” She grinned, reaching out her hand to Caleb, and he helped her to her feet.

  I was so sidetracked by her comment and my already intense high that without really thinking about it, I took a heavy drink from my cup.

  Elias emerged from the darkness after his bathroom break just before Camryn and Andrew did.

  I never said anything about what Caleb had done. It wasn’t that I was intentionally hiding it. I just didn’t think about it anymore. At the time, I was already on my way to being drunk. I had shared three joints over the course of the night and was pretty fried. My judgment was severely impaired. I didn’t think of what Caleb did as being wrong, because the high side of me believed him when he said it was perfectly harmless. After all, he and Grace were doing it. He had even put some in his own brother’s cup. I know what I did was wrong and stupid and thoughtless and reckless and a thousand other things. I know. But everybody makes mistakes. This just happened to be one of my most regrettable.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Elias

  I remembered taking a piss. I vaguely remembered cutting the end of my pinky toe on the way back to the bonfire on a jagged rock that had been hidden underneath the sand. I remembered sitting down next to Bray, drinking my gin and Sprite, laughing and carrying on with her and everyone else.

  But sometime during that—I can’t recall when because time itself seemed to shift abruptly—everything changed. Bray was lying on the sand next to me, looking up at the stars, laughing and pointing and talking about how colorful they were and then—

  I was standing by the ocean. I didn’t know how I had gotten there. I looked behind me. The bonfire had been reduced to a dim orange glow, barely holding on to the oxygen it needed to keep from burning completely out. And then—

  I was sitting on a rock. The ocean water was pushing against it two inches away from my feet. It gurgled and spit and told me to move. I looked down. The water was black. I looked over, back toward the bonfire again. It had completely faded, and only a thin coil of smoke rose above the branches. I stared at my hands in front of my face and I could see every line like on a map. I ran the tip of my finger over each one: every road, every river, every shortcut. I could hear my heart beating in my ears like a bass drum, constant and unrelenting. I could taste grains of sand between my teeth and trapped in my gums and in the creases of my lips. I thought it was glass and I panicked. But then I was calm when the glass dissolved in my mouth.

  I was alone. Bray was gone. Everyone was gone. It was just me sitting there on the rock. I heard music. “Night is the Notion” by Dax Riggs blasted through the speakers. I heard someone else singing along with it, but I couldn’t see anyone. I was completely alone.

  Time seemed to skip backward, then—

  “Holy fuck, Tate,” I heard Jen’s voice say, but I couldn’t see her anywhere. “This is some good shit. Ho-ly fuck. I’m seeing rainbows and shit. It’s the Reading Fucking Rainbow.…” She began to sing the Reading Rainbow song.

  And then I woke up. It was the next morning.

  I sat there on the sand for a long time, trying to pull my head together. I don’t remember do
ing anything last night except gin and weed. But I was definitely on something.

  And I was pissed.

  My attention was diverted when I saw Bray walk quickly across the sand and kneel down next to the blonde, Camryn, trying to comfort her as she vomited violently.

  “Get off of him!” Jen screamed at the top of her lungs

  Andrew was fighting Tate, walloping on him with his fists.

  “Andrew!” Camryn tried to scream, but it came out raspy and painful. She was clearly in a bad physical state. She couldn’t even stand on her own.

  “What the fuck is wrong with you, man?!” Tate roared.

  He was trying to back away from Andrew, but Andrew just kept swinging. He punched him over and over, eventually knocking Tate in the sand.

  Caleb tackled Andrew from the side and they both rolled across the sand away from Tate. Andrew grabbed Caleb by the throat and lifted him over his body, throwing him hard against the sand and was on top of him in seconds. He punched Caleb three times before Tate was behind him, pulling him off.

  “Chill the fuck out, man!” Tate shouted, trying to defuse the situation. But Andrew rounded on Tate and caught him in the chin with an uppercut. Tate staggered backward, holding his hand over his jaw.

  I knew Tate wasn’t going to take much more. Rage had begun to churn in his eyes.

  “You drugged us! I’ll fucking kill you!” Andrew roared.

  From the corner of my eye I saw Camryn stumble to her feet and start running toward the fight, and before I could do anything, Caleb barreled straight toward Andrew again and knocked Camryn down as she came between them.

  I ran out after them.

  Andrew couldn’t hold his own against both Tate and Caleb at the same time for long. I remembered hearing Jen say the night before that Tate had the drugs, and so I did the only thing I knew to be right. I jumped into the fight to help Andrew, despite Tate being our so-called friend.

  “Move!” I growled as I pushed Camryn out of the way, both to keep her from getting hurt further and so that I could get in there. Tate had it coming. He shouldn’t have drugged us.

  “Stay back here with me,” I heard Bray say as she dragged Camryn the rest of the way to the side.

  I punched Caleb first.

  The four of us fought hard, exchanging blows so fast I almost couldn’t tell who was hitting who. But I ended up fighting Caleb more. Andrew focused on Tate. By the time the fight was over, all of us were bleeding from the mouth or the nose. My jaw felt like it had been beaten on with a hammer.

  “Just back off of him!” Tate said to Caleb, grabbing him from behind by both arms and securing him there. Caleb was going to come after me again. Tate was just ready to end this.

  I did the right thing, I thought, but I had also sided with the people who weren’t helping Bray and I get around. I knew that after this, she and I were screwed. Unless Andrew and Camryn decided to become our new ride, Bray and I were going to be right back in the situation we were in before we met Tate and everyone at that hotel.

  But something deep down told me that Andrew and Camryn weren’t going to be as accommodating.

  Andrew had murder in his eyes. Even when he looked at me. I couldn’t blame him. If I were in his shoes—I was in his shoes. I walked behind him over to Bray, who was helping Camryn as she lay next to a stinking puddle of vomit being soaked up into the sand.

  “Shit,” Andrew said, looking at Bray. “Will you run to my car and get a bottle of water out of the ice chest in the back?”

  Bray nodded quickly, stood up, and ran off to do it.

  Andrew rolled Camryn over onto his legs and he brushed her hair away from her face.

  “They fucking drugged us, baby,” he said.

  “I’m going to kill that bitch. I swear to God, Andrew,” Camryn said.

  They started talking about something entirely different than the drugs or the fight, I assumed. Something about one of the girls. I had no idea, but it wasn’t about Bray, and that was all that mattered to me.

  I stepped up closer and crouched down next to Andrew. “I’m sorry, man, we didn’t know. I swear,” I said.

  “I believe you,” Andrew said.

  Bray scurried back with the water, and Andrew reached out for the bottle. He twisted off the cap and poured some in his hand first, wiping Camryn’s forehead and mouth.

  “Look man, I’m sorry,” Tate said, coming up behind us. “Didn’t think you’d mind. We just dropped some in everybody’s drinks. We didn’t bring you out here with any fucked-up intentions.”

  Andrew released Camryn carefully, whirled around, and punched Tate again.

  “Please, Andrew!” Camryn shouted.

  I grabbed Andrew and Caleb grabbed Tate and we held them off of each other.

  Finally, Andrew relented and shook me off. He helped Camryn to her feet. “Let’s go,” he said.

  They grabbed their guitar and blanket and headed straight for their car.

  “Come on, Bray,” I said, taking her hand. “If we have to, we’ll walk.”

  She locked her fingers with mine and we set out in the same direction. I grabbed my shirt from the sand, and Bray grabbed her flip-flops as we walked toward them. Andrew was putting their stuff in the trunk as we approached. He went over to his side of the car, laid his arms across the roof and then dropped his head in between them.

  “God damn it!” he shouted and hit the roof with his fist.

  Camryn, probably wanting him to cool off before she said anything, got inside the car and shut the door.

  “I’ll give you two a ride back if you want,” Andrew said just before we walked past.

  Bray and I discussed it with our eyes and got inside the car.

  “Thanks,” I said from the backseat, but I don’t think either of them heard me.

  Bray sat with her head on my shoulder the rest of the way back, but I got the feeling maybe she was mad at me. She didn’t say a word.

  Andrew dropped us off at the hotel, and that was the last time we ever saw them.

  We were alone again. No car, no money, no nothing.

  Bray sat down on a bright yellow concrete parking space barrier, resting her elbows on her knees and her head in her hands. I sat down beside her.

  “What Tate did was wrong, Bray. I had to jump in.”

  “Tate didn’t do it!” she shouted, lifting her head from her hands.

  “What do you mean?”

  She took a deep breath and laced her fingers together, dangling between her knees. She gazed out at the half-empty parking lot.

  “Tate had nothing to do with it,” she said. “Caleb did it. Tate was too busy with Jen to even notice what Caleb had done.”

  “Wait—how do you know this?” What I really wanted to ask was, You knew about this? But I was too busy trying to make myself believe that couldn’t possibly be the truth.

  Bray wouldn’t look at me. “I saw Caleb do it,” she said, even though I could tell she didn’t want to. “He walked around dropping something in everyone’s drinks.”

  I stood up. It took me a long moment, but I finally said, “How could you know this and not tell anyone?” I was extremely pissed off, I felt so betrayed, but I was doing whatever I could to hold it all inside. As much as I loved her, I wanted to walk away from her right then. I began to pace.

  “I know I fucked up, Elias. I know and I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking straight—”

  “Yah think?!” My head reared back and my hands dropped at my sides. “Bray, you should’ve told me! Jesus Christ!” I threw my hands up above me. “I went to jail once because of this very same thing! Or did you forget about that?”

  She started crying, burying her face in her hands. I wasn’t about to console her, not this time. This was almost unforgivable.

  “I can’t take back what I did,” she said, her voice strained by tears. “And I can’t make you believe me when I tell you I didn’t say anything because it didn’t seem like a big deal. I was fried. I’d drunk a lot. I. Fucked
. Up.” She stood up from the concrete barrier and threw her hands up in the air. “I made a bad decision! It definitely wasn’t my first, and you know it won’t be my last!”

  “You’re right,” I interrupted. “It wasn’t your first. Two weeks ago you accidently caused a girl’s death. And you didn’t want to report it. That was one of the biggest mistakes you ever made in your life.”

  She stood with her mouth agape.

  “It was your idea!” she shrieked. “You had just as much to do with me running as I did! Don’t you dare put this all on my shoulders!”

  She shoved the palms of her hands against my chest, but not with enough strength to knock me over. “God damn it, Elias!”

  I grabbed her by the elbows. “Stop screaming!” I screamed back at her. I shook her and then my voice calmed and I said with more composure, “Just calm down. You’re right. I’m as much to blame. I shouldn’t have said that to you.”

  She let out a long, unsteady breath and then she dropped her head between her shoulders.

  “What are we going to do now?” she said, her voice strained with worry

  I pulled her body against mine and wrapped her in my arms. “There’s nothing else we can do except go home.”

  “But I’m scared,” she said, the side of her face pressed against my chest muscles. “I’m so scared…”

  “I know,” I whispered and squeezed her gently. “But we can’t keep doing this, especially with nothing but the clothes on our backs. We can go back now. Maybe it’s not too late.”

  On the outside, it appeared I was only thinking of our current situation. But on the inside, where Bray couldn’t hear, I was thinking a lot about getting her some help. Every day the decisions she chose to make were becoming more irrational. I knew that I couldn’t help her on my own, that as much as I wanted to be able to, that even as deeply as I loved her, it would never be enough to save her from herself. Something dark began to grow inside of me, a frightening feeling that I couldn’t quite read but I knew was very tragic.

  Just then, Tate’s black Jeep came humming through the parking lot toward us. Bray pulled away from me and stood at my side, her hand clenched tight within mine. I wasn’t up for any more fighting, and I was prepared to surrender and let Tate and Caleb know that.