We Are US...

  Giggling, Z and I pull away with the promise of 'later' unspoken but felt in the heat between us.

  "How are you?" Z asks concerned as he rises to hug her.

  "I'm good. And I'm craving potatoes and buns with gravy, and some corn I think."

  "Take it easy," Mack says gently but Kayla looks totally irritated at him.

  "I will, Mack. But I'm starving," she whines pulling away as I jump up to follow her to the kitchen.

  Grabbing a plate, she piles on half the potatoes I had made for everyone. More than half. Actually, if Z, Kayla and I hadn't already eaten I'd be panicking about not having enough suddenly.

  "Smells good, Suzanne. And thank you for the bed. I'm exhausted all the time, and this little bastard is killing me."

  Watching her pour the gravy to the point of almost spilling over the edge of her plate, I just barely hold in the flinch. Shit. Her plate looks like a sloppy, nasty, mess.

  "Ah, are you sure you have enough gravy?" I just barely hold in my laugh as she growls at me and walks out of the kitchen with a 'humph.'

  "Oh, wow," Chicago Kayla says before I can give her a quick head shake behind Kayla's back.

  "Fuck off, Kayla. I'm starving, and this kid is killing me. And I'll just barf it up in 10 minutes anyway so I won’t get fat either. Where's Marty?" She asks shoveling mashed potatoes in her mouth as Mack leaves for the kitchen with Z, presumably for his own plate of whatever is left after Kayla was finished.

  "Would you like your gift?" I ask to ease any Kayla vs. Kayla tension.

  "Uh huh," she smiles a nasty potato teeth smile which makes me laugh as I dive for my huge tree again.

  Bouncing, I hand Kayla the same perfectly wrapped, ribboned together 2 boxes I gave Chicago Kayla who is smiling wide with excitement as well. Kayla is even holding and hiding the necklace and pendant in her hand waiting.

  Opening the bigger box first, I almost groan and Kayla does groan her irritation, but Kayla ignores us to unwrap her black and purple scarf and mittens.

  "Oh, they're adorable. And barely holey," she laughs poking her fingernail through the ONE tiny hole in the left mitten. The bitch.

  "Don't put the scarf on," Kayla helps but I glare at her for being too obvious.

  "Okay..."

  Unwrapping the small obvious necklace box, Kayla is grinning before she even lifts the lid. "I love your gifts, Suzanne," she smiles before finally, painfully slowly opening the little snap. "Oh! It's beautiful," she says as both Kayla and I practically assault her leaning in to show her our matching necklaces. "Oh!" She gasps looking between the two of us and her gift.

  "Suzanne designed it and had them made special for us. She's the black diamonds in the middle, and you and I are the fabulous white diamond circles entwined with her!" Kayla yells before I even have a chance to explain. The bitch!

  "Oh, Suzanne..." Kayla chokes up immediately. Yay! Practically clapping, I smile and giggle at her reaction. "God, it's just so beautiful, and lovely, and so, so thoughtful, and MACK!" She suddenly screams making me jump.

  "What?!" Mack bursts through the kitchen door with Z right on his heels spilling his drink in the doorway.

  "Look! Look what she made for us! Oh my god," she says before bursting into tears. Ugh. Now I feel a little bad. I mean I wanted her to appreciate it and maybe choke up a little, but I didn't plan on her bawling her eyes out, or scaring the shit out of Mack. Ummm...

  When Mack drops to his knees in front of her taking the necklace to look at it, his smile is so sweet at Kayla, I feel their love again. "Suzanne-"

  "It's her in the middle, the black circle, and Kayla and me holding her- like linked arms or something. Right?" She asks wiping her nose on my Christmassy linen napkin, and that's it. I can't stand it anymore, I start howling with laughter.

  This has been the strangest, most dysfunctional Christmas Eve dinner I could have never imagined in my craziest moments.

  "Basically," I laugh as she stops crying to look at me like I'm mental. "Nope. I'm fine. You however are Crazy Kay again, and I LOVE it!" I laugh as Mack fights laughing to put the necklace on her.

  "Whatever. I'm pregnant, not crazy. That's different," she glares as thankfully Mack jumps in.

  "It IS different, Suzanne," he says sounding angry until I see his smile start. "But not by much."

  "Anywayyyyy... It's absolutely perfect, and beautiful, and I can't believe you bought us diamonds. Our gift absolutely sucks now," she pouts.

  "It doesn't matter. I wanted you and Kayla to know how special you are to me. So I made them. And that's it. No more crying, okay? Just eat as much as you can before you start throwing up again."

  "Okay," she mumbles already eating before I even finish speaking.

  When Z joins us after wiping the floor in the doorway, he hands Mack his plate. Sitting in the chair beside Kayla, smiling often, Mack actually lifts her necklace again to take a closer look.

  Watching them, I feel so happy again, I realize all the stress of pulling off a perfect dinner is stupid. This is like the worst dinner ever planned, but perfect anyway.

  Finding myself awkwardly standing over Mack, I look at Z and sit in the Marty chair as he follows to sit beside me.

  "Marty's here," Kayla adds dropping her phone in her purse before her excitement makes the four of us grin at her when she waits by the door for him. Turning on the security monitor, Kayla actually giggles when she sees Marty stepping into the elevator.

  "She's pathetic," Kayla says and before anyone can speak, Kayla lifts her hand in the air to flip her off silently from the opened doorway before walking out to meet Marty. "Do you have cameras in the hallway? I want to see them make out," she adds as Z laughs.

  "We do. But I don't want to see that," he chuckles with Mack nodding in agreement.

  "Hey everyone. I'm so sorry I'm late. The restaurant was a mess, but we left it so everyone could get home to their families tonight," he says walking over to shake hands with Z and Mack, followed by a kiss on Kayla's still eating head, and a quick little touch on my forearm.

  "It's no problem. Dinner has been very strange tonight anyway. Did you eat?"

  "No, I was too busy."

  "Well, come get some food before Kayla finishes it all off," I tease squeezing her shoulder as I pass her.

  "Cute, Suzanne," she mumbles still eating anyway.

  In the kitchen, Marty fills a plate, and compliments me often. He's very nice and appreciative, and though we're not as close as everyone else is, it doesn't feel uncomfortable for me. It feels good, and almost like we'll be better friends over time. Especially if he and Kayla keep dating, which I hope they do.

  "Here's a drink," Z hands it over as Marty sits at what should have been Z's original spot.

  Digging in Marty moans which makes me quickly look at a smirking Z, and then he tells me everything is delicious. He even asks what spice I used in the yams and I'm thrilled a professional New York chef likes my cooking enough to ask.

  Looking around at everyone, I stand awkwardly, deciding on an impromptu toast like a friggin' moron actually. It's not the right time, and we're all knee deep in food or conversations, but I just couldn't stop myself from standing. Suddenly finding myself with all eyes on me I realize what I loser I still am. Honestly.

  "Sorry," I giggle. "Okay. Totally wrong time I know, but I wanted to make a toast to you all. Um, thank you Mack for saving my life- multiple times. Thank you Kaylas for loving me and wanting me to think I'm as fabulous as you both are. Ah, thank you Marty for forgiving me when I hurt your best friend. Wait!" I say quickly when Marty almost interrupts. "And thank you Z for loving me so good the bad stays in the background now. I know I'm never going to be completely okay, but that actually seems okay now. I have a really bad past, but it feels like it really is in the past now. And I want that. I want to live like that. And I am I guess. So thank you everyone for being my friend and for thinking I'm not as shit as I was always lead to believe I was. Um, thank you so much for this wonderful life
of mine. Merry Christmas," I add as the first tears fill my eyes when I raise my wine glass to everyone joining me in my pathetic toast.

  "Sorry for that. Toast over. I'll go get dessert started," I giggle embarrassed as Mack actually laughs at me knowing what a loser I am.

  Stumbling for the kitchen, the silence in our dining room is too much, so I yell, "Keep eating and talking! And don't follow me," while I close the kitchen door.

  Honest to god. Sappy Suzanne? Buzzkill Psycho? Dinner Ruiner? Laughing, I realize these little speech like outbursts of mine seem to be forever in my future. Usually either totally inappropriate, or just completely the wrong time, I swear I have NO ability to stop them when I'm overcome with my situation.

  "Would you like some help?" Marty asks in the doorway.

  "Yes, please. Sorry for that," I nod toward the dining room. "I probably should have made my speech later but it just hit me. And before I knew it I was spewing," I laugh as he does.

  Pulling ice cream from my freezer Marty shrugs like my speech wasn’t a big deal. "It was a lovely speech, Suzanne. And no one thinks you're any weirder than normal," he grins as I laugh. "But I need to say one thing to you if that's alright?"

  Turning to lean against the counter, I knew this was coming. I knew whoever followed me to the kitchen had something to say, even though I asked them all to stay put.

  "Of course, Marty," I nod waiting for hopefully not something too bad.

  "I didn't forgive you, Suzanne, because there was nothing to forgive. I knew there was something serious between you two so I let my anger go for all the times I saw Z struggle because of you, and especially after everything happened."

  "When Thomas died," I whisper as he nods.

  "Yeah. And then you two were back together and Z was so happy, and I was told a little more about everything, and I saw myself what Z felt for you which made me like you- actually like you myself, not because Z loved you. But it was hard for me to just forget everything you had put him through at first."

  "I know, I'm sorry," I almost beg but keep it in.

  "Don't be sorry. You owe me no explanations for anything you did, and Z is happy with you which makes me very happy with you, not that that should matter."

  "But it does matter. You matter to Z, so I want you to like me," I admit like a totally insecure idiot. "Sorry." Oh, shit. I'm going backward here and this isn't good.

  "Suzanne, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. I was actually trying to make you happy here. I don't have to forgive you because there's nothing for me to forgive. And you make Z very, very happy, which makes me happy. And I just want you to know that I think you're great," he says gently squeezing my forearm for a second before turning for the oven to pull out the pie.

  "Thank you," I whisper just as Z walks in with his calm, but could get pissed in a second face.

  "Marty," Z almost threatens so I quickly jump in.

  "Is helping me get dessert, and everything is really good. Go sit. We'll be out in a minute, Z." Nodding my head toward the door, Z watches me and actually gives in.

  "He was never like that with anyone else, you know?" Marty asks leaning into my side.

  "Like what?"

  "That. Possessive. Ready to kill me or anyone else who upset you. It's weird to see, but it's cool, too. It definitely lets me know how much he loves you."

  "Oh... Well, just so you know, I love him that much also. I will do anything for that man, and I will do everything for that man. He really is absolutely everything to me," I exhale as he looks at my face and nods.

  Turning for the desserts, Marty seems to finally understand what everyone else has always known between me and Z. There is just a thing that binds us together no matter what shit we deal with.

  Finishing my delicious desserts with coffee, Kayla actually manages to hold in dinner to climb on our huge couch only 15 feet from the table, but still close enough to be part of the conversations.

  "Your turn," Z whispers pulling a box from his pants I didn't notice before.

  "Now?" I giggle as Kayla sits up to look from the couch while everyone else stares.

  "Yup. Because now it makes sense. You'll see," he grins handing me the jewelry box.

  Quickly opening it, I love Z gifts. I never received any as a child, except from my grandparents. And Marcus thought gifts were stupid between two adults. Whatever. I give many gifts, and I like getting them too, I'm not gonna lie.

  "Oh!" I gasp as he starts to explain my new ring.

  "The round black diamond is you," he smirks again. "Surrounded by a circle of garnets. I know they’re red, but they’re my birthstone, and they’re not too red, so I thought they’d be okay."

  "They’re okay, Z."

  "And then they’re surrounded by white diamonds around you and me for our light, as you always say," Z winds down looking a little nervous suddenly.

  "Did you design this?" I whisper holding up the ring.

  "Yes. After your necklaces, I thought you should have a ring that kind of matched, and it's you and me together. And I like you wearing something that's you and me," he finishes attempting to put the ring on my shaking right hand index finger.

  "I absolutely love it. It's so special, and beautiful, and just perfect for us. I like love, love it, Z. Thank you," I lean in to kiss him gently.

  Pulling away from his kiss, I just stare at my new ring. It's even better than my engagement ring. It's better than any ring, really. Grabbing Z, I fight crying and just about a thousand different emotions I'm suddenly feeling staring at my hand, and I don't know what to do. I'm in a trance staring at my ring, and no one else is speaking, and I just feel overwhelmed by how beautiful and loving my ring is. Z made it special for me, and it IS special. It's perfect, and the red doesn't even bother me at all. It's like the red is okay because it’s all about Z surrounding me.

  "Wow..." I whisper to no one until Kayla whines across the room, 'Let. Me. See..." making me finally move from my trance.

  Nearly tripping to get to her, Kayla takes my hand and says wow as well. Turning my hand this way and that, she stares at my ring with awe. "It's perfect," she agrees as I nod. I swear to god I'm speechless. "You did good, Z. Take some pointers from him, Mr. MacDonald," she throws in finally breaking me from my ring spell.

  "Will do," Mack nods.

  "We have to go, okay? Dinner was delicious, and I'm stuffed for a change, but I doubt this barfy reprieve is gonna last. So I'd like to go now. But I'll see you Boxing Day for all the sales?"

  "Of course. Have a wonderful Christmas, Kayla," I lean in to hug her.

  "Thank you for my necklace, Suzanne. You did good, too, Mrs. Zinfandel."

  "Why, thank you," I grin as she slowly tries to stand.

  “We’re going to go too,” Other Kayla adds. “Thanks for the necklace, and the food, and for an awesome Christmas Eve. I’ll pick you up at 10:00 for our marathon, okay?"

  "Absolutely. Wear comfy shoes, Kayla," I turn to her already being helped into her big, warm, prego coat by Z.

  "Of course. And don't start, Mack. I’ll stop when I'm tired, and eat when I'm hungry. But this is our Boxing Day tradition, and I'm not breaking tradition for this little bastard inside me," she growls again.

  "You really have to start calling it a baby or something. Otherwise we'll all be referring to him or her as Little Bastard when it's born," Z smiles squeezing her shoulders.

  “I know. My mother will have a fit which is almost worth it.”

  "Bye, Suzanne. Thank you for dinner, it was delicious," Marty extends his hand but I lean in for a little hug instead. Just a little one, but enough to let him know I'm okay.

  After a round of multiple hugs, thank you’s, and handshakes, Z finally closes the door with a huffed exhale.

  "Let’s go lie down."

  "But-"

  "Our house is destroyed, there's shit everywhere, and food on every surface Kayla touched. But I don't care. I want to lie down with you, Suzanne. Please? We have all day tomorrow
to clean up. Please, love?"

  "Thank you for my ring, Z. It's the most special gift I've ever received in my life," I lean into his arms as he hugs me tightly.

  "You're welcome. Bed?"

  "God, yes..."

  After undressing, removing all my makeup, and using the washroom, I'm exhausted. I swear to god, I don't know how my mother did this every friggin' weekend of my life. She was so frail and seemed too weak to pull this shit off all the time. It's weird when I think of her as she was because she makes no sense to me, then or now. She's an anomaly. She's an evil frail little anomaly, and I hate her.

  "What's wrong?" Z asks leaning against our headboard, and just as quickly as my mother entered my thoughts, she's gone.

  "Nothing at all," I climb into bed as Z pulls me to his chest. "Thank you for the best Christmas I’ve ever had. It was way better than last year’s formal affair I threw."

  "It was," he smiles down at me before kissing my lips. "Now go to sleep, Suzanne. Santa's coming," he says so sternly I giggle and snuggle in.

  CHAPTER 24

  Turning quickly to Z storming into our atrium, I jump but recover quicker than he approaches.

  "Okay, Suzanne. I've had enough. You're freaking out, you're not telling me why, and I'm about to go postal if you don't tell me soon what's hurting you."

  "Nothing's hurting me!" I cry shaking as he stares down at me with his hands on the arms of my chair. "I'm, ah, I have to tell you something, and I'm scared."

  "Of me?"

  "No, not of you. But of, well, you’re going to get mad at me, so I don't know what to do."

  "So tell me and we'll handle it together. Come on Suzanne, no more secrets, lies, or hiding. Remember? We've been great for 5 months now, so just tell me. I'll help you with anything, and so will Mack. But you have to tell me, love, so I can help you," Z says trying to calm his voice when he squats down in front of me instead of towering over me.

  Inhaling deeply, I try to say the words, but they just won't come out.