We Are US...

  "Yes."

  "Okay. Well, my- um, Elizabeth had lots of money, but it was her influence that was everything to her. Think about what they all did for years without getting caught, or without tarnishing their perfect social standings and reputations until I remembered everything and came out. But her influence runs deeper than yours because it's like old school influence- influence and almost honor that runs deep. You know yourself, it's not the same as it used to be. You have many people you can influence or pull strings with, but only with your money. And I don't mean that bad!" I quickly throw in but he just says 'keep going', so I do.

  "This isn't the kind of generation that holds honor or secrets, or anything like her people did. Obviously. And overall your power lies in being popular because you donate lots of money and have your own charities and stuff. But people would take just as strongly to the next someone else throwing around money. Ugh... Not that you're doing that. Shit. I am not trying to offend you at all, Z. You're amazing and everyone loves you for a reason."

  "But money talks."

  "Yes. And she was one of America's elite, remember? So even though she's in prison and her money is probably almost gone, she was still elite, so-"

  "She could still influence many friends and acquaintances from her generation."

  "Yes. Find the original judge, and you'll find her."

  "Tell me again the exact words from the card. I'm writing them down," he says already moving I can hear. "Go ahead, love," he whispers and I actually smile at his accidental affection.

  "Don't get used to it, because I'm not done yet."

  Growling, Z says everything. "Oh, she's done."

  Waiting, neither speak and my head is spinning too rapidly between my past and my present to make sense of anything but this one fact in front of me. My mother is a fucking bitch who is still ruining my life.

  "Where's Mackenzie?"

  "Right here with Kayla." Oh!

  "Which Kayla?" Wow, my heart is breaking again.

  "Rinaldi-MacDonald," he says simply, probably waiting for me to lose it. But I'm not going to lose it- I'm grateful.

  "That's good. Mackenzie needs a mother, and I'm happy she has Kayla."

  "Suzanne, I'm going to fix this. And you'll see her soon, I promise. You did really good, love. I didn't make the connection to that bitch myself because I naively thought she was a non-issue in prison. But I should've thought-"

  "You're not a psycho like we are, Z, so you couldn't have possibly thought like us. Plus I never told you I was It growing up."

  "You're not an It, Suzanne. You've never been like that to me."

  "Thank you," I smile to myself. "I'm going to go. Um, will you let me know what you find out? Maybe Glenn can pull some strings to get the judge's records or bank accounts or something subpoenaed? I don't actually know how any of this works," I giggle shaking my head thinking of t.v. detective shows suddenly.

  "Oh, we will. And of course I'll let you know everything I find out as soon as I know it. Listen to me for a second, Suzanne," Z says seriously. "This isn't over. I told you that before, and I meant it. Just give me a little more time and I'm going to fix this for you so you can see and be with Mackenzie. But you have to trust me to fix this this time."

  Crying softly before hanging up my final words burst from my chest when there's no stopping the desperation I feel. "I wish I could know you both again." Oh. Ow.

  "Soon, love. I promise."

  Hanging up quickly, I need those to be his last words to me today. He didn't say Mackenzie only, and he didn't say not him. He said soon.

  Pulling up my big girl panties I decide I can hold out and wait for soon.

  Moving back to the table I place the uglyass card to the side of all the others.

  "I hate you..." I cry staring at the cheesy card from the evil bitch who ruined my life again.

  Again.

  CHAPTER 37

  2 days. To goddamn days! But nothing is fixed and I'm still without them. Mackenzie is 11 days old now, and I barely remember what she looks like. Well, I mean I do, but only in my pink blanket, hat wearing version of her newborn face. And yes, Kayla and Z have offered to send me pictures but I don’t want one. A picture won't help me remember how she felt, and I can't stare at a picture all day until my eyes bleed to try to replace her with a copy, which I know I absolutely would do.

  At least Z has called me 4 times since I explained my thoughts on the nasty bitch who birthed me. He has called with updates and excitement about where they're headed and what they're trying to find. He has updated me, but he hasn't fixed it yet. And I'm slowly going mental.

  Kayla also calls me every few hours, which though nice, is a little too much Chicago Kayla for me. Between repeating everything she's heard, describing Mackenzie and trying to distract me with sexy tales of her and Marty, I want to kill myself, or her actually.

  Like I need sexy visuals of her and Marty right now? I'd much rather stew silently waiting for something- anything to happen while my stomach finally heels and my heart slowly mends a little.

  Soon.

  God, I know I was right about this. I know she did something to make this all happen to me. I know it with such certainty, the purpose I feel destroying her is helping keep the heartache and loneliness away a little.

  Jumping from the knock on the hotel room door, I nearly scream as I run for it. Please be Z. Pleeeeeease.... Resting my swimming head on the door jamb I'm dying to see him. "Hello?"

  "Suzanne... It's me and Kayla and Matthew," Mack says softly as the air leaves my lungs on a gasp.

  Crying out, I slide my hand to the lock but can't quite turn it. I want to see them so badly, and I need to hold Matthew. I miss my little angel so much, but I don't think I can do this with them yet. I can't see their hatred and anger right now because "I'm just hanging on to my last bits of sanity by a thread," I whisper unintentionally out loud.

  "Open the door, Suzanne. We'd like to talk to you," Mack soothes and I almost unlock the door.

  "Um, on a scale of 1 to 10 how much do you hate me?" I ask like the loser he knows so well.

  Actually laughing a little Mack answers my stupid anyway. "I'm like a 2 now, and Kayla's hovering around 5, I think."

  "Okay."

  Slipping the bar lock open I think I can handle a 2 and 5. And even if I can't, what's the worst that can happen at this point? I cry, which they'll expect, or I break down which they wait for always. 2 and 5 seems almost too kind for what I said to them.

  Stepping away, I take a big breath before opening the door to the kind eyes of Mack. Walking right in he doesn't pause or ask permission, he just hugs me his Mack hug, and my reaction is immediate. Like we both knew, I start crying in his arms while he holds me tightly.

  "I'm so sorry. I never meant a word I said. I was just stunned and shocked and kind of broken when she was taken away."

  "I know."

  "I know you know, but I really need you to know. Honestly, Mack, I don't think for one second you would hurt me or Mackenzie and I didn't mean to make my sadness turn into anger at you. I didn't. And I don't. I just snapped from the pain, I think."

  "I know, Suzanne," he soothes again as I bawl all over his coat.

  "Please forgive me. Please?"

  "I do," he nods against my head and my heartache seems so complete with his forgiveness I can't speak anymore. I have so many things to say, and so much to tell him, and I miss him so much, but I have no words left.

  Pulling away after forever I finally step away from the door so Kayla can enter fully. Looking up at her eyes quickly, I see the anger, but I also see an emotion I'd forgotten she possesses in abundance- compassion.

  "I, ah-"

  "Look, I'm going to rip your face off later. Like rip it off until I feel better, but right now someone needs to see you. So I'm holding in ripping your face off for now. But later, the gloves are definitely coming off," she says so seriously I can't speak while she glares at me.

  "Okay. I deserve i
t," I nod relieved she's even willing to rip my face off.

  "Yes, you do. But later," she almost smiles. Like a tiny slight side grin that she quickly masks with her anger again. But it's something shy of pure hatred, so I'll take it.

  Looking at Matthew in his blue super puffy snowsuit, I'm just dying to hold him. God, I can't believe I haven't seen him in 11 days either, and I miss him so much my heart is aching. I don't think 2 days went by when I didn't see him since he was born, and after 7 months with him keeping me happy and calm I need his sweetness to ease my broken heart desperately.

  Waiting for something, Kayla moves right past me to the couch and sits down. "Come here," she says softly and I do immediately. God, I want to hold him but I wait until she turns him to me.

  OH. MY. GOD!!

  When she turns Matthew around I'm winded but manage a scream and a mouth-covering wail in my shock.

  Laughing at me, Kayla says with a funny expression, "We switched them out. Matthew is with Z at your place."

  "Wha- Oh my god..." I cry staring at Mackenzie because I'm unable to move.

  "Suzanne, take her. She's okay, but she needs to get out of these clothes. We kind of bulked her up to look bigger than she is. We even put Z's socks in the feet and arms so they looked filled out when her little body looked too tiny and weird in Matthew's snowsuit."

  Shaking my head, I beg, "I can touch her?"

  "Of course you can. Z wanted you to see her and he begged us to switch out our babies," she smiles again sweetly with a little giggle at either the conspiracy or my still stunned face. "Take your baby, Suzanne. We're visiting for at least an hour."

  Leaning forward I swear to god I don't know what to do. I can barely touch her my hands are shaking so badly, and I'm still so shocked looking at her I'm scared I'll do something wrong.

  But then I do take her and everything falls into place.

  Laying her on the uglyass hotel room couch, I start undressing her. Slipping the hood off I can't believe how badly I want to touch her.

  Unzipping and removing her little arms out of the snowsuit is easy because her arms aren't even really in the arms of the coat at all, though the material feels heavy and full. Dripping tears all over Matthew's snowsuit, I'm almost done. So soon. God, she's right here, and I can smell her already.

  When she suddenly wakes up with a tiny cry I'm dying to soothe her. Lifting her into my arms everything falls away but her little cries and the feel of her on my chest and shoulder.

  Oh god... This is everything.

  "Thank you," I weep holding my daughter finally.

  But her crying doesn't stop with me holding her like I always imagined it would. Magically, I always thought if I held her she wouldn't cry anymore. I believed my body holding her would always make her happy. But-

  Looking desperately at Kayla, she only smiles. "She's just hungry, Suzanne. Here," she says reaching for Matthew’s diaper bag.

  "Can I nurse her? I've been pumping every day. Even when I was in the hospital the other day."

  "You have?" She asks as I nod. "You can try, but she may not take to you only because she's been on formula, Suzanne. Not because it's you," she adds quickly when I cry harder.

  "Can I try? Or maybe I shouldn't if she's been fed formula? What do I do? I don't want to mess her up if I'm not going to see her again," I cry out as the pain lashes my heart again.

  "Ah..." Kayla seems just as sad as I feel when she can't answer immediately letting me know the answer by her desperate hesitation.

  "It's okay. I don't want to make this bad for her." Even when I feel my own breasts heavy like they know she's near me, I can't do it. I won't hurt my baby, intentionally or not. "Do you have a bottle?" I ask past my own hurt and the sympathetic tears I see in Kayla’s eyes.

  "Here," she hands me a little bottle from the bottle warmer thingy. "Do you want some privacy with her?"

  "You trust me?" I ask without thinking and I have my answer by her pissed off groan.

  "We're not the bad guys, Suzanne. And we know you didn't hurt her. So of course we trust you with her. Christ, would Z have begged us to bring her to you if he didn't trust you with his daughter?"

  "No, I'm sorry. I'm just nervous and sad and not really thinking clearly. Um, can I go to my room with her?"

  "Of course," she exhales turning to a totally silent Mack watching our exchange.

  "Thank you."

  Walking to my hotel bedroom, I gently bounce and carry my crying daughter to the bed. Sitting up and against the headboard, I know to use a pillow under my arm for support. When she settles into my chest still crying, I remember my weird noises for Matthew when I finally place the bottle against her sweet little lips.

  Wow. Instant silence. Huh. Almost laughing, I'm surprised how she went from crying to total silence but for the little sucking sounds so quickly. Almost like a little baby switch she's in eating mode and she's just so sweet.

  Watching her one hand move slightly, I manage to spread my fingers until her little fist closes on my pinkie. With her eyes still closed, she makes little mewing noises while she drinks and I'm just enthralled by everything Mackenzie.

  God, she’s so pretty. She does seem porcelain like Kayla said when she was first born. Her little eyebrows are a soft brown, and her eyelashes are long like Z's though she seems pale like me.

  Looking at the door, I hope this isn't too bad or creepy, but I'm just dying to know what color her eyes are now. So using my thumb gently against her eyebrow I pull up slightly as both her eyes flick open quickly before closing again. Quickly, but enough to make me cry out in relief.

  Her eyes are dark, maybe even eventually brown like Z's which I love. Or maybe just a dark blue or hazel, even. It doesn't matter though what color in the end, as long as they aren’t like my clear blue eyes.

  "You're so beautiful, Mackenzie. And I love you more than I ever thought I could love a baby."

  When she seems more asleep then eating I slip the tiny bottle from her lips, and though she makes one little sound of protest, she quiets just as quickly.

  Moving her to my side, I slide down the bed gently and with the pillow at her back, I snuggle down on my side to hold her as she sleeps against me. Watching her, I take in everything I can hold always with me. I know this visit won’t last much longer so I store every detail of her inside my heart for later.

  Nearly crying when Kayla sits down beside Mackenzie on the bed, I know what this means and I want to beg Kayla to let her stay with me.

  "We have to go, Suze. Z's going out and we're supposed to come back to babysit his baby this evening," she smiles. "So we have to switch out babies now," she grins at their little game when I smile back.

  Knowing this was only temporary, and knowing drama will only hurt Mackenzie I nod and prepare to NOT be upset by her leaving me again. I mean if they did this today, maybe they'll do it again for me once in a while.

  "Will you ever bring her back?" I whisper with desperation lacing my raspy, sad voice.

  "As soon as possible. And this isn't forever Suzanne, I promise. It's just for right now." Nodding, I try to believe her. Kayla has never lied to me before so I have to trust she isn't lying to me now.

  "I know you're going to rip my face off still and I'm okay with that. But I have to say something today. Please?" Smiling sadly, Kayla nods before I continue. "Thank you for taking care of her. I know you were at Cedardale all the time when she was there, and I know you've been like a mother to her since she was taken from me," I barely manage to say without tears. "Thank you for being the best person I've ever known to be with her when I can't, even though you want to rip my face off," I add as we both choke up a little.

  "Suzanne... You have to stop waiting for people to always hurt you all the time, because honestly, you're missing out on being happy. Yeah, I want to kill you for being horrible to me and Mack, and especially to Z. But that's life and family and friends. I'm going to scream bloody murder at you because I love you. Because if I didn't love
you, I would do nothing. I don't have any friends I keep around who I don't care for, so screaming at you makes me feel better and then we move on together."

  "Okay," I exhale understanding her suddenly.

  "As for this little one? I would do anything to help her and love her and keep her safe, even if I want to punch her mother in the face."

  "I know..." I cry a little smiling. "I know that. I knew that, I just-"

  "Not right now, Suzanne. But we'll have this out and then we’ll move forward as friends and really as sisters- like the only sister I even like," she adds with a laugh as I huff my quick sadness. "But we have to go now. I'm so sorry. We've been here for a few hours and Z really has to get going." A few hours I stared at my baby?

  "I understand. Thank you again for this. And please thank Z for me."

  "Nope. You call and thank him yourself. He misses you, Suzanne. He's happy with Mackenzie but sad and lonely without you. He's a mess, just like you are. So call him."

  "Okay."

  Watching Kayla redress Mackenzie in Matthew's huge looking snowsuit, I don't speak. There's nothing to say but sad things, so it's best to stay quiet before they leave. Afterward however, I know I'm going to totally lose my shit and cry until I simply pass out.

  "Here, hold her for a sec," Kayla passes me my strangely bulky newborn and I almost laugh again at this funny little game they're playing.

  Kissing her cheek, I inhale deeply Mackenzie's baby smell and hold it in my lungs. I want to remember it always, especially if I'm not going to see her for a while.

  Handing her back to Kayla, I watch Mack swing Matthew's diaper bag over his shoulder and I want to cry that he's still not speaking to me. I want to beg for his forgiveness again and plead that he still love me. I want to be in such a drama, I know to keep my mouth shut. But damn it’s hard, I almost giggle.

  "Okay. We're going and you have to call Z," Kayla glares until I nod. "We'll bring her back as soon as we can. It's a little over the top, but we don't know who’s watching us and now that the press knows all about everything there are reporters everywhere." Nodding, I knew that too, I just wouldn't read or watch any news regarding me.