We Are US...

Stepping out of the shower to pull the curtain away, Z holds the tiny towel in one hand and my arm in his other. Walking us to the bedroom, he makes weird sloshy sounds until I understand.

  "Oh! Your clothes. You're clothed. I didn't see," I moan as reality surfaces completely. Sitting on the side of my bed, the complete exhaustion I feel is replaced only with the man in front of me. "I'm okay now, I think. Um, I won't look, so you can take off your clothes. I'm okay now. I am now." Shit! Babble babble. Crazy Suzanne. And here we go for another round.

  "Get into bed, love, and don't look at me," Z says softly so I do as I'm told. Crawling under the covers, my body is freezing in my wet robe but I don't care. I'm already sleeping in my mind.

  When I'm suddenly lifted, everything falls into place. He's here. And I’m alive. Snuggling into his chest and side, I touch the beautiful her on his chest and I wish for everything between us always as I fade away.

  ➰➰➰➰➰

  Jolting awake, I feel him and look to see his dark eyes watching me still. Looking around the hotel room, I forgot for a second where I was until everything suddenly comes crashing down around me.

  "Where’s Mackenzie?"

  "She's having her first sleep over with Aunt Kayla." What?! "The good Aunt Kayla," he quickly amends with a grin. "And I've already called, and she's sleeping like the perfect little bugger she isn't with me."

  "What does the mean?"

  "Well, Kayla says because she has me totally wrapped, I can't let her even whimper without holding her, and now if I'm around she won't sleep or feed or do anything unless I'm holding her," Z says so proudly I smile up at him.

  "Good. She should have you wrapped. God knows I wanted to."

  "Ah, news flash, Suzanne. You've had me wrapped since the first moment I met you at that dive hotel outside of Chicago."

  "I doubt it," I groan. "I was a freak, and I'm still a freak," I laugh as he turns me a little closer to him.

  "Yes, you are," he smirks as I swat his chest lightly. "But I kind of like that about you," he smiles so sadly suddenly, the air changes around us making the need to flee almost unbearable.

  Sitting up suddenly, I flinch as my stomach pulls until he stops my retreat. "Oh, Suzanne... Does this still hurt?" He asks touching softly my flat upper stomach above the flubby lower belly goosh I'll never get rid of now.

  "Not on the outside. But I hurt always inside now," I whisper as he watches. Nodding like he understands, we both touch my stomach together. "The pain never stops. But it's okay. I like pain now because I never forget anything if I still feel all the pain all the time. That makes sense, right?" Well, it did in my head anyway.

  "Yes, it makes sense. I miss you, Suzanne. And I'm struggling right now without you. You make me very happy. So without you I feel like I'm missing something good and beautiful, and it makes me hurt all the time, too."

  "But-"

  "There is no but, Suzanne. You are my love. So without you I feel sad."

  "Wow," I exhale his beautiful confession. "Well, this sucks," I huff as he laughs.

  "It does suck. But it won't suck forever. I promise."

  Hearing him promise, I'm already turning away again. "I hate this and I can't keep doing this, Z. I'm so tired all the time, but not just physically. Emotionally, I'm a mess. And I've realized these past 3 weeks I'm tired of always struggling to be with you."

  "I feel the same, Suzanne. I'm tired of the constant ups and downs we go through. And I'd really like a little calm now for a while."

  Looking back at Z, I say the truth of everything between us. "But there will never be calm with me. Don't you understand that by now? When has there ever been, or when will there ever be calm? If it’s not actually me losing my shit, it's someone else hurting us because of me. So there is no calm. There are just times when it's less stressful, but they never last and we always end up worse off and sometimes even further apart. We just can't catch a break, and I can't seem to keep it together long enough to give us a break from all the Suzanne shit all the time."

  "I know. But this time wasn't you, and that's what I realized after the initial anger faded. Yes, I was pissed at you after you freaked out on me in the hospital. And I was even more pissed when I thought you were totally ignoring me with all this shit because you couldn't deal. But then when you stepped away so I could get Mackenzie quickly, I wasn't angry anymore. I realized how hard all this was for you and it made your freak out understandable to me. And after speaking to Mack and Kayla, I realized just how hard this has all been for you."

  Looking back at Z, I wish I could explain what I'm feeling, or what I plan to do. I’ll tell him eventually but right now seems just too sad between us, and I don't want to add to the hurt right now.

  "I understand how this situation could have made you snap. I see it, Suzanne. I understand from your perspective what made you freak out. I know you never wanted a child because of your past, then you had a child who died. Then you finally decided to make a child with me, and she lived... Only to be taken away from you again. I see everything now, and I understand why you'd feel broken inside from all the loss and disappointment," he says as I feel my silent tears drip down my face. "And I'm sorry this all happened to you and to us. But it isn’t forever. I promised you, and I've almost got it worked out."

  "How?" I ask quietly as hope threatens to break me again.

  "On January 6th I have the custody hearing."

  "You do?"

  "Yes, me. And no one is going to fight giving me Mackenzie back."

  "That's good," I whisper because it IS good.

  "And then we're working out the you details. Child Protective Services, along with me and Mack are going to ask the judge to approve 3 supervised visits between you and Mackenzie a week for 4 weeks, until we have another custody hearing on February 2nd for you. And at that time we're going to ask the judge to allow you back into our home so you can be with me and Mackenzie."

  "But-"

  Shaking his head, he actually smiles before speaking. "There is no but, Suzanne. No one wants to see you away from Mackenzie, least of all me. And everyone seems to understand and accept the anonymous tip made was bullshit though it did set up a series of events that couldn’t be completely circumvented once in motion. We have been able to work around them, sidestep and shorten them however. And as long as everything stays good around us no one sees any problem with you, me, and Mackenzie moving forward. But everything has to stay good, love."

  "How? I am being good."

  "You know exactly what I'm talking about. You have to keep your shit together until January 6th, and then for 12 supervised visits you have to keep it together- not that you wouldn't," he adds quickly. "But this is it, and the only way, and I need you to do this for us. I need you to be Suzanne again, the strong Suzanne you've been for the last 16 months, the Suzanne who stands up for herself and stands up to me. That’s the strong Suzanne I need in my life. You have to do this for us because there's nothing else I can do if you don't."

  "I am being good, Z. I'm living alone, not bothering anyone, being good and quiet and-"

  "I never said you weren't good. Please don't get defensive right now. I just need you to understand that we've lasted 3 weeks apart and we have only a little while longer until we can be together and have everything we said we wanted together. But you have to stay strong, Suzanne. You have to eat and sleep and answer our calls when we check in on you so we know you're okay."

  "I do."

  "No, you don't. You answer maybe half my calls, you've stopped talking to the Kaylas though they still try to call you, and Mack says you rarely talk to him anymore."

  "I do. But he always wants to talk talk and I can't right now. I do answer him when he calls though."

  Squeezing my hand, Z looks at me desperately. "I'm not criticizing you, Suzanne. I'm just trying to explain that the bad end is near, and our good life can begin soon. But you have to sleep, and eat, and stay focused. You have to answer my calls and talk to me. Because I
can't do this alone, and I don't want to. Seeing you so out of it tonight scared me. You didn't even believe I was here or real or me..." he says so heavily I know I have to end this upset for him.

  "I didn't know it was you for real this time because I always hear you whisper to me. When I try to sleep, when I shower, when I'm just sitting in the dark. Um, I always hear your voice and I couldn't be sure it was really you because you're always here whispering to me. That's all."

  Exhaling deeply again, Z whispers, 'that's all', and I don't know what else to do or say. Everything is right here for me if I just hold on a little longer. If I stay strong I can have them back. If I keep the Suzanne shit out of everything I can have the future I never thought I would or even imagined was possible for me. If I just wait a little longer, and hope...

  "I've got this," I suddenly announce as Z's head turns back to me. Looking down at my special Z/Suzanne ring, I know I do. "I do. Um, I will. Now that there's something, anything to hope for I can keep doing this alone."

  "Alone for now," he pushes again as I nod.

  "For now. But are you totally sure you want this? Fighting to get me back in your lives is the Z honorable thing to do, but is it what you actually want? And I'm not being dramatic, for once," I add with a huff as he grins. "I'm seriously asking you. I need to know if it's what you really want now. Because so far from what you've told me, I can still see Mackenzie, supervised at first, then maybe a little more, but it doesn't mean you and I have to get back together, or live together, or be together. We can keep things separate if you want while I see her." And that's the truth, I finally see. "We don't have to be together for me to see Mackenzie, Z. So you can make a different choice here, and I wouldn't blame you at this point. Honestly."

  "I've thought about it, Suzanne." Oh, that hurt to hear, but I nod instead of scream so he keeps talking. "I have. And I know my life would be easier if you and I co-parented but didn't live together or love together anymore. But then I realized I wouldn't have you anymore, and the thought of not loving you is not worth the calm I would gain without you. Because quite frankly, I know I wouldn't be happy without you in my life."

  Shaking my head, I swear he has it all wrong. His life will be exactly that- happy. "Maybe you should really think about it before the February court date. Give yourself some time to figure out if you still want me as a wife. Because we can still be friends, and I promise I'll be okay without you. Like, I won't do anything stupid ever again. I haven't even really thought about letting go, even now when I've been my saddest and loneliest." When Z raises his infamous eyebrow, I know he doesn't believe me. "I haven't, Z. Because I can't do anything like that ever again because of you and Mackenzie."

  "What do you mean?" He asks sitting up on the bed with his arms crossed over his chest.

  "I can't kill myself, because then I've told both of you I didn't love you enough to live," I whisper as the air and desperation slowly leaves my lungs. Tearing up I tell Z the truth. "If I kill myself, it meant I didn't love everything I've had with you and everything you've done for me. And it means I didn't love Mackenzie enough to live as her mother, no matter how hard it gets or how lonely I feel. And that's why I’ve held on these last 3 weeks, Z. I've cried nonstop, but I didn't even think about doing anything like that again because I can't do that to you or her. I won't do that to either of you."

  "Come here," Z begs and I move instantly. Wrapped in his arms, we both exhale and hold on. This is it right here. Everything between us, always hard and heavy but just there. "We are US, Suzanne. Good, bad, ugly and beautiful. Exhausting and painful, torturous and demanding, hideous and terrible, dramatic and-"

  Bursting out laughing, I gasp, "I get it, okay?" as he laughs against me.

  "Okay..."

  After a comfortable silence I realize how badly I need to feel Z with me. "I'm okay right now," I whisper hoping he understands. But when he doesn't move I force myself to continue. "Like, I'm okay right now. I know it's you, and I know that it’s just us here. And I would like to be with you, if you want?" I squeak embarrassed at the end.

  "Suzanne?" Turning me to face him Z looks as uncomfortable as I suddenly feel. "Listen to me closely. I want to be with you, but not right now and not like this. There are so many things going on with you and us I don't think it's a good idea if we make things more complicated by having sex. Wait!" He yells when I gasp by mistake. "Wait. Just listen. This isn't about NOT wanting you, believe me. It's about not wanting you like this. Not when you're sad and depressed and lonely. I need you when you're happy and when you want to be with me."

  "But I do want to be with you," I practically beg.

  "I don't think you do. I think you're lonely and you want to be with me so you have a memory. Kayla told me you want to walk away from me and Mackenzie." Oh. "And I know you well enough to know you're stubborn enough to do it. I know you, Suzanne, so I know when you're about to make a move or a decision. I know when the sadness consumes you, and I know when you're desperate. And right now, I know you're desperate to feel something- to take something with you. I know your kiss goodbye and I know your eyes when you believe in nothing."

  "I'm not-"

  "I know you, Suzanne. And I'm not going to make love with you so you have a memory to take with you. I'm not giving you something that allows you to walk away again. I know that's what you did after the wedding, and I'm never doing it again."

  "I didn't," I shake my head furiously. "I just want you, that's all."

  "You can have me, love. But not now when I don’t know if you'll stay. But when this is all over, when everything is the way it's meant to be I'll be with you. I'll beg to be with you again. But I’m not giving you a memory to leave us with," Z finally exhales and I want to cry again.

  "That wasn't what I was doing. But I understand," I agree not understanding at all.

  "That's all it is, Suzanne. I don't trust you to stay with me until I can fix this, so I'm not giving you a memory that allows you to leave me again."

  Looking up quickly, I see Z looks exhausted, and I feel exhausted. I don't want any more sadness tonight, and I can't handle anymore loneliness, so I decide to stop all the darkness between us tonight.

  “I understand. Ah, Merry Christmas, Z.”

  “Merry Christmas, love,” he whispers holding me tighter to his chest.

  CHAPTER 40

  I did it. I've done it. I made it through Christmas and New Years alone. I talked to Mack finally, and I had a very low key New Years in my hotel with Z on the phone. Holding Mackenzie the whole time or sleeping beside him, Z and I watched the ball drop together on tv. We laughed at crude Kathy and we groaned for awkward Anderson. I spent New Year’s Eve with Z together though apart, and I've kept my shit together since our Christmas Eve together. I've done everything I was supposed to do and it's finally here.

  January 6th.

  Z's court date, which his lawyers advised I should be at to set the precedent that I may be around in the future. I'm not supposed to sit with him though, but I’m supposed to be there showing my support for him.

  It's January 6th, and I need at least this battle to be over. I need to hear Z gain full custody of Mackenzie forever so I can exhale all my fear. Yes I want them back too, but I really think I'll be if not okay, at least content with them together whether I'm legally allowed to be with her or not.

  I will be okay, because Z and Mackenzie together is right and it makes our struggle worth everything. Well, it makes my struggle worth the two of them together. Z however still insists we'll be together, and he has told me he made his decision, which wasn't really a decision at all he said sweetly. Our relationship just is- and he wants us to be Z and Suzanne with our daughter together.

  Waiting for the driver to take me to the courthouse in my new clothes that I'm horribly uncomfortable in, I’m willing to play my part in fixing this for if not all three of us, certainly for Z and Mackenzie.

  Looking one last time at my face and hair to make sure I look okay,
I'm as proper looking as I can be, the scars and fear notwithstanding. Breathing, I smooth down my black pencil skirt for the hundredth time because my WHITE blouse under the black cardigan is making me get hives I think.

  I look totally together and I'm ready for half this battle to be over.

  Walking up the steps with my security guard Heather who looks like she's a 22 year old college student, I spend more time staring at her then I do the people around us. She's distracted me enough to get through the security check point within the first doors, then through the second doors into the damn building. Ignoring the people I'm desperate to ignore, I'm dying to see the people I need to see.

  Standing just inside the doors, Mack steps forward and takes my arm immediately with a slight smile that doesn't reach his eyes. Pulling me inside he doesn't hug me but he does keep himself slightly over my body like he's guarding me himself but keeping all his emotions in check.

  "Don't lean into me," he whispers and as I gasp at the rejection he quickly speaks. "The cameras. We don't want weakness." Nodding, I straighten my spine and walk down the hall beside him. "Almost there," he says softly as we keep walking probably a normal pace for him, but nearly a jog for me. Handing me a badge for my chest, I put it on while Mack continues kind of ignoring me but also supporting me with his hand on my arm lightly.

  Pushing open a huge door a security officer steps forward, reads my name-tag, checks off some sheet, and then I'm suddenly in court again. It’s not my first time after my father's trial but it’s just as intimidating as always, and my stomach is in knots trying to stay in the present.

  "Come this way," Mack whispers again as we round the back benches and sit in the fourth to last row. Far enough away that all the taller people hide me, but close enough to see Z waiting in the first row in a gorgeous dark blue suit I don't remember. I guess I wasn't the only one who went shopping for this, I giggle.

  "Suzanne?" Mack whispers forcing me to shake my head immediately to clear it. “Almost, Suzanne. Just hang on a little longer,” he smiles kindly.