Past Be Damned

  It took time, and I’d fed the void a hundred times over before accepting that I was overdone. So what if I was tired? Exhaustion was meaningless; I’d pushed through. That’s what you did when you had to survive.

  As I threw a demon out of the woman in front of me, my mind wandered. That was dangerous, but the more tired I became, the harder it was not to fall under the spell of escaping. Of course, none of my memories were particularly happy ones.

  On one ugly occasion, I’d pulled three demons out of myself. And still there was so much more to do. Rocks to haul. Coal to bring out of the mine. The heat. The mine. The pain. Over and over. Another demon. I’d ripped it out. My body twitched. In the mines, I’d fallen to my knees. The pain. The whip.

  “Teagan?” Aidan’s hand was light and gentle on my back, yet my flesh burned as though the whip cut into me. “You okay?”

  “Fine.” I pulled away from the contact.

  The dead were everywhere. People didn’t make it very long at the mines. Why was I still alive? All I wanted was to be with my guys. Why was I still here? Why was I always alone? The whip on my back. The crack it made before it made contact with my skin. I’d stopped feeling it.

  Two more to clear. The line was getting much shorter. One more after these two...

  “Teagan?” Aidan’s voice was more insistent.

  I crawled on the ground. My knees bled through my skirt. The skin on my palms was gone. I kept pulling myself forward. They’d beat me again if I didn’t get to the tent where we slept. I’d try again tomorrow. Surely, even the endless had a conclusion.

  The demon was out. The last one, and the void was satisfied. Like a puppet whose strings had been cut, I collapsed. Aidan caught me, pulling me against his strong body.

  “I have to get to the tent.”

  He scooped me into his arms. “What tent? You don’t have to get anywhere.”

  Thaddeus called out around us. “Brody make sure the area is clear.”

  I clawed at Aidan’s chest, grabbing his clothes. The world was blurry. “They’ll beat me if I don’t get to the tent before they blow the whistle. The whip. I hate the whip.”

  “No one is whipping you, not anymore. Not ever again.” He squeezed me tighter. “Close your eyes.”

  I wished I could. “They get into me when I sleep.”

  Aidan kissed my cheek. “Teagan, you’re safe.”

  “Why do you have to be dead? I wanted you to come, so much.”

  The world faded to black around me. Sweet, blissful, nothingness.

  I woke in my bed with a hot body pressed against my back. I knew there shouldn’t be anyone there with me. I wanted to be alone. I would always be, I might as well get used to it now. But I scrunched back to see who held me—Aidan, with his eyes closed, breathing deeply. He was warm. Just for tonight, I wouldn’t be cold. I closed my eyes.

  * * *

  “Sister?” I looked up from my work to see one of my guards standing there. It was Two, the intense one.

  “Can I help you, Two?”

  He nodded. “The demons are coming, Sister. If you don’t let me protect you, they’re going to swallow you whole. Open your heart back up, Sister. Before they reach down your throat and rip out your liver.”

  I sat up, my heart racing. Aidan gasped awake. “Are you okay? Teagan?”

  I moved my hand to my throat. There wasn’t anyone or anything trying to take out my liver. I closed my eyes and spoke to Aidan. “Fine.”

  He got up on his knees. “Clearly not.”

  “Then why ask?” I opened my lids. “If you’re not going to accept my answer?”

  “Because once, you wouldn’t have lied to me.” He put his hand on my back. My instinct was to tell him to let go. I didn’t want to be touched. Except I’d passed out in his arms and slept in them. I didn’t really want him to let go of my back. Even though I knew we weren’t right for each other and that he hadn’t been picked for me. He narrowed his gaze. “What?”

  “Thank you for taking care of me.” It had been a long time since I’d had anyone do that, really. Once, I’d taken for granted that gentleness and concern would be part of my life. I knew better now.

  He cupped the side of my face. “My love. Please take me back in your heart.”

  His words were tempting, as was the handsome face in front of me. “That’s presuming I have a heart to take you back into.”

  “You do.” He put his hand on my chest. “I can feel it beating.”

  I took a steadying breath. Alone in the dark, except for the slight light cast by the low flames in the fireplace, we were cocooned together as though there was nothing but safety and time for us. I knew better. This was an illusion. It would be over soon. Someone might take out a whip. That was the real world.

  “I had a dream that you were telling me that a demon was coming to rip out my liver.”

  He scrunched up his face. “That’s horrific.”

  “Yes.” I agreed, leaning back until I encountered the headboard. “I don’t suppose there is any dinner left from whatever everyone ate.”

  Aidan hurried off the bed. “Sure is. I’ll be back.”

  I watched him disappear out the door and knew he wouldn’t come back until he’d procured me some food. It was little moments like this that made me long for what had really never been. I used to do things like that for them, too. When Aidan had a cold, I’d nursed him for days.

  It had made me feel so needed.

  He came back faster than I expected, carrying a plate. “I even got dessert.”

  I shook my head. “I don’t believe you. Dessert? That mythical thing I always hear about but haven’t seen much in my life, even when there was consistently enough food? No way.”

  Aidan kneed his way onto the bed. “Teagan, life is uncertain. Eat dessert first.”

  He popped a bite of pie into my mouth, and the sweetness assaulted my senses. I closed my eyes and just chewed. When I had swallowed, I sighed. “You crazy man, I really thought you were teasing me.”

  “About food? Never.” He popped another piece in my mouth. Then as I chewed, he kissed me, closed mouth on the lips. I shouldn’t let him do that. Except it was sort of funny. I grinned.

  He smiled back at me. “I thought you might break my nose for doing that.”

  “Then, why did you do it?” I took some chicken off the plate. The sweet was fantastic, but I needed protein, too.

  “The chance to kiss you? Are you kidding? Break my nose.”

  I rolled my eyes. “I’d never break your nose. It’s been broken too many times. It might not reset this time.”

  He raised his eyebrows. “True. I’ve lost track. I think Eric cracked it twice in the last month.”

  “Doing what?”

  If they weren’t guarding, why had Thaddeus taken a knife in the eye and Aidan broken his nose with Eric? Thaddeus said something about assaulting the Sisterhood. Was it true?

  He sighed. “We’ve spent our time trying to destroy Sister Katrina’s life. It seemed to us the only thing we could do was to get vengeance for you. We raided, destroyed, plundered. Anything we could do to hurt her. It worked. We all have bounties on our heads.”

  I hated that thought. Life was hard enough without paying people to kill them, and Katrina wouldn’t send slouches after them. They’d be ruthless killers. “Why aren’t you more concerned?”

  Aidan cocked his head to the side. “I thought you wanted us dead? Or gone? Preferred it?”

  “I never said I preferred you dead.” Why? They’d died for me once before, at least in my memory of that time. The emptiness of those years weren’t worth even the pettiest of revenge.

  “You told us to go. Leaving you would kill me. So you must want me dead.” Was he seeking an alliance with guilt to make me welcome them back?

  Shaking my head, I swatted him. “That’s a bit of a stretch, and you know it.”

  He pouted like I’d hurt him when both he and I knew that wasn’t possible. “Do I?”

/>   “Guilt will not secure what you seek.” Nor would I play such a game. Appetite gone, I set the plate by the side of the bed. “Aidan, we’re not fated for each other. Wouldn’t you like to know your Sister?”

  Aidan put his hands on both of my cheeks. “I don’t care if I ever see whatever it is that I’m supposed to see. It only bothers me because it stopped me from getting to you. Otherwise, fuck the fates. And, by the way, what is happening with all the guards here?”

  I tried not to lean into his hands. I pretty much failed, but I tried. “What do you mean?”

  He let go of my cheek to point at his eyes. “It isn’t just the Sisters with white eyes, and the white-eyed thing is really working for you, but the guards have white eyes, too. What is going on?”

  “Did you ask them?”

  He shook his head. “That’s not how it works.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  He ran a hand through his hair. “Did you know Anne when you were at the Sisterhood?”

  “No.” I put my hand on his knee because it was there. I couldn’t be this close to any of them and not touch them. The void didn’t rush out to crush him, so it must still be sated. It wasn’t okay, it wasn’t right, but it was what it was. It was almost like my muscles instinctively put my hands where they used to regularly be on Aidan. His knee sometimes pained him, so I rubbed. “She’s eight years younger than me, still an acolyte when we had gone out. After—well, I was in captivity by the time she began her own missions.”

  His expression hardened before he regained his composure. “Did you know Daniella?”

  “No, she was gone before we undertook our first mission.” Did he have a point?

  Aidan shrugged his shoulders. “Guards keep to themselves the same way Sisters do. You might even think you know everyone there but you don’t. There are factions and factions and factions. The place is huge and half the people are gone most of the time. I don’t know those guards. All I know about them is that they kept me from you when I wanted to rush through the gates and supported rules I didn’t care for. They may be great people. I have no idea. I’m not asking them anything.”

  “Well then”—I cleared my throat—“it’s going to be awkward around here. If you’re staying.”

  He spread his arms wide. “Cut out my heart, it’s the same as sending me away.”

  “Don’t be so dramatic.” I scrubbed a hand over my face. My wrists ached and there was a bruise in my chest, as though my heart itself had been wounded. The void roused, unfurling—so much for satisfying it. “They’re co-joined. That’s why the eyes are white. It’s what happens with true bondings, true mates. They are partly inside of each other. They can, if I understand it correctly, feel each other’s emotions to an extent and see through each other’s eyes. Hence, the white eyes.”

  Aidan blinked rapidly. “They have sex and their eyes turn white?”

  “Sex can do it but it doesn’t have to be sex. It’s true love, it co-joins them. Garrett has books. He’s the resident expert. What we thought we knew pales in comparison.” Perverted by Katrina, consumed by her darkness.

  “I need to get my hands on that book.”

  I yawned. I was probably going to have to sleep again. It came with the amount of power I’d used. I never recovered from exhaustion in the mines. It might be nice to actually experience what I needed for a change. Of course, I used to suffer after power usage in the other Sisterhood, too. The inked spells on my body damaged me then. The ink in my soul damaging me now. I was slow, in that respect.

  A tap came at the door. Noah popped his head in. “I’ve been having some conversations with the other guards.”

  “See, Aidan? Noah can have conversations with the other guards. Maybe it’s just you.” Perhaps if they learned to be more independent they’d see sense.

  He rolled his eyes before turning to Noah. “Learn anything useful?”

  “As a matter of fact,” Noah kicked off his shoes, “there are books to read. But bottom line is she needs two of us with her. That’s what her energy needs to recover. So I’m here. To cuddle. Assuming that Teagan will allow it.”

  I settled against the pillows. “My energy requires two of my soul mates to recover swifter.”

  “Why didn’t you say anything?” Noah took a slow step toward the bed.

  Aidan snorted. “She doesn’t think we’re her soul mates.”

  “Well, she’s going to have to get over that idea.” Noah crawled into the bed next to me and Aidan snuggled up on the other side. I scooted down and eventually placed my head on Aidan’s chest while Noah spooned me from behind.

  We’d spent a lot of time in this position when I’d been with the other Sisterhood. I could never have both of them the whole night—according to Katrina, I wanted it too much so therefore I was to be deprived of it for my own good—but there had been moments.

  Neither of them slept. I burrowed in closer, and Noah pulled the covers around us. A vague image from the past flitted against me. “So…” I had their attention. “Whatever happened with the crow?”

  “The crow?” Aidan yawned.

  “Oh.” Noah laughed. “That crow that we took as a pet. Remember? It used to follow us around cawing at us all the time. I mean, there was no reason for it to stay with us, but it was always there. I think I saw it again recently. Comes and goes.”

  I put my hand over Noah’s. “Are you sure it’s the same crow?”

  “Yes. Remember the white feather? It still has it.”

  Aidan’s voice slurred a bit when he spoke. “You notice that crow more than anyone, Noah. It’s like it’s trying to talk to you.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous,” Noah answered him.

  My lids felt heavy, like they weighed too much. I let them close, listening to Aidan fall asleep and Noah breathe quietly.

  In my dream, it wasn’t just one crow I saw, but thousands of them. They circled above me, with one in the middle with a white feather. I reached my hand, and it came down to perch on my finger.

  It cawed at me. I wished I could understand what it said.

  Noah walked toward me, wearing a long black coat which flapped in the breeze as though he had wings. The crows circled around him, darkness swirling everywhere but never getting in his way. His gaze locked on me.

  “We didn’t know we had to listen.”

  I touched the white feather. “To the crows? No, of course we didn’t know. How would we? When it has never been explained. I don’t speak crow and neither do you.”

  “There are many, many ways to hear, love of my life. Sometimes we can understand more of what somebody says by using our eyes than our ears.”

  He took the crow from me and let it fly upwards, dancing with the others. I watched as it danced in the sky.

  Follow the crows, Teagan. They’ve been waiting for you.

  5

  I woke up warm, still held by Aidan and Noah. They were both out cold. The sun streamed in through my window, and although I’d had no problem with laziness when I’d lived at the other Sisterhood, my years at the mines had beaten out of me the ability to merely sleep in. Literally.

  I had to scoot to the end of the bed to rise. Noah rolled over, pulling the pillow up against him and not waking up. He was always the worst to rouse in the morning. I’d always been convinced that if left to his own devices, Noah would be nocturnal. That was just not how life worked, at least not right now.

  Maybe they’d used the night as an ally in the war they’d waged against Katrina’s Sisterhood.

  Aidan sat up fast, his eyes groggy.

  I put my finger to my lips in the universal sign for shush. He nodded. Why should we wake Noah? Why poke the bear when he was sleeping? I’d gotten my head bitten off more than once for making that mistake.

  On quiet feet, I went into the bathroom to clean myself off. The water was still cold. I sighed. A quick bath it would be. I heard the door open and close. Without needing to turn, I knew Aidan followed me. I could have told him
to leave. It would have been simple. I’d have said get out, and he would have done so.

  Still, as I sponged myself off behind a curtain with cold water, I didn’t say the words. I was completely naked. And suddenly the water didn’t feel so cold. Was it wrong to want him? Was it so terrible to admit that I’d absolutely missed intimacy? I’d told them I wasn’t their soul mate. I hadn’t lied to them. I asked them to leave and go find their Sister. They refused.

  Did I have to keep denying myself pleasure? My heart squeezed in my chest. I loved them. I was sad and pathetic for it, but there it was. The dark slicking the light within me kindled with fire, not ice.

  He pulled back the curtain slowly. “Tell me to get out if that’s what you want.”

  “Oh, trust me, I would have. I’m not shy. At least not anymore.”

  His smile was slow. “You were never shy.”

  “I was.”

  He shook his head, taking his time to do so. “Sorry.”

  He took off his shirt, and I leaned against the wall, not from intimidation but to give him room. “The water isn’t warm. Someone has to get the heaters working again.”

  Aidan had always been the strongest of my guards. The others were fit and lean. Aidan was all muscle, and in the years since we’d been together, he seemed to have bulked further. He’d added ink, too, which was a change. The number six sat right above his heart in green. Tattooing wasn’t a practice regularly done outside of some of the fishermen guilds and members of those organizations came from the southern Deadlands. Aidan wasn’t from there.

  All five of my guards had been in the same orphanage in the eastern part. They all had their stories of how they ended up there. In Aidan’s case, he’d never known his parents. They’d both been possessed when he was too young to remember them. He’d lived with his grandmother until she died in a carriage accident. Then he’d been brought to the orphanage.

  When the guard recruiters came to the orphanage, he and ten others tried out for spots. He won one, along with my other four. It was highly unusual for guards to know each other prior to taking the pledge. It was even more off kilter that they were all nineteen when they began training, twenty when they were assigned to me. Now, they were twenty-seven. My own early start had given me one year of hell with guards who had truly hated me.