The Brook Kerith: A Syrian story
CHAP. XXXVII.
One of the Essenes had left some quires of his Scriptures upon thetable; Paul picked them up, but, unable to fix his attention, he walkedout on to the balcony, and when the murmur of the brook began toexasperate him he returned to the domed gallery and walked through itwith some vague intention of following the rubble path that led out onto the mountains, but remembering the Thracian dogs chained under therocks, he came back and stood by the well, and in its moist atmospherefell into argument with himself as to the cause of his disquiet, denyingto himself that it was related in any way to the story he had heard fromthe Essenes--that there was one amongst them, a shepherd from Nazareth,who had received baptism from John and suffered under Pilate, the veryone whom he had heard talking that morning to Jacob about ewes and rams.At last he attributed his disquiet to his anxiety for the safety ofTimothy.
All the same, he said, it was strange that Pilate should have put onefrom the cenoby on the cross, another Jesus of Nazareth.... It might bethat this Essene shepherd and his story were but a trap laid for him bythe Jews! But no----
Paul remembered he had written a long epistle to the Galatians reprovingthem for lack of faith, and now he found himself caught in one of thosemoments to which all flesh seems prone. But no; the cause of hisdisquiet was Timothy; Jesus had promised him news of Timothy, else hewould not have delayed so long among these clefts. He might start atonce; but he would not be able to find the way through these hillswithout a guide, and he could not leave till he heard from this Essenewhy Pilate had ordered him to be scourged. What crime was he guilty of?A follower he was, no doubt, of Judas the Gaulonite, else Pilate wouldnot have ordered him to be crucified. But the reason for his having leftthe wilderness? There must be one, and he sought the reason through thelong afternoon without finding one that seemed plausible for more than afew minutes.
The drone of the brook increased his agitation and the day was well-nighspent when the doors of the cells opened and the brethren began toappear in their white garments; and when they had found seats about thetable Paul related that he was waiting for Jesus to return from thehills.
At last he heard one say: here is Jesus, and at the sound of thefamiliar name Paul started up to meet him, and speaking the first wordsthat came to his lips he asked him if it were true that he was fromNazareth and had received baptism from John and suffered under Pilate. Iwas born in Nazareth, but what of that? Why dost thou look into my faceso steadfastly? Because this noon, Paul answered, while thou wast withthy flock, I was moved to tell the brethren of Jesus of Nazareth, whodied on the cross to redeem us, for I would that all you here shouldjoin with us and carry the joyful tidings to Italy and Spain. The doorsare open----
Hazael coming from his cell at that moment stayed the words that hadrisen up in Paul's mind, and he looked at the president as if heexpected him to speak, but Hazael sank into his chair and soon afterinto his own thoughts. So thy name is Jesus and thou'rt from Nazareth?Paul said, turning to the shepherd, and Jesus answered: I was born inNazareth and my life has been lived among these hills. Our guest, Saddocsaid, interrupting, has told us the story of his life, and he hopes topersuade us to leave this gorge and go with him to Italy and on toSpain. To Spain? Jesus asked. To carry the joyful tidings that the doorsof salvation are now open to all, Saddoc answered. He has told us thathe was once a great persecutor of Christians. Of Christians? Jesusrepeated. And who are they? The Christians are they that believe theMessiah promised to the Jews was raised by God from the dead, Saddocreplied, and our guest would have us go with him to Spain, for on theroad to Damascus he had a vision, and nearly lost his sight in it. Andever since he has been preaching that the doors are open to all. He isthe greatest traveller the world has ever known. Christ is a Greek word,Manahem said, for it seemed to him that Saddoc was speaking too much,and that he could give Jesus a better account of Paul's journeyings, hisconversions of the Gentiles and the persecutions that followed theseconversions: for the Jews, Manahem said, have been on his track always,and his last quarrel with them was yester even by the Jordan, where hewas preaching with Timothy. They lost each other in the hills. OfTimothy I have news, Jesus answered. He met a shepherd in the valley whopointed out the way to Caesarea to him, and it may be that he is not farfrom that city now. Then I will go to Caesarea at once, Paul cried. Ihave promised to put thee on the direct road, Jesus said, but it is forthee to choose another guide, he added, for Paul's face told him thethoughts that were passing in Paul's mind: that he would sooner that anyother of the brethren should guide him out of the wilderness. Afterlooking at Paul for some time he said: I've heard from Manahem andSaddoc that thou wast a persecutor of Christians, but withoutunderstanding, so hurried was the story. And they tell me, Paul said,that thou'rt from Nazareth and suffered under Pilate. More than thatthey do not seem to know; but from what they tell me thy story resemblesthat of our Lord Jesus Christ who was betrayed in a garden and wasraised from the dead. At the words, who was betrayed in a garden, alight seemed to break in Jesus' face and he said: some two years of mylife are unknown to anybody here, even Hazael does not know them, andlast night I was about to tell them to him on the balcony.
You all remember how he was carried out of the lecture-room on to thisbalcony by Saddoc and Manahem, who left him with me. I had just returnedfrom the mountain, having left my flock with Jacob, our new shepherd,and Hazael, who recovered his senses quickly in the evening air, beggedme to tell him of Jacob's knowledge of the flock, and I spoke to himhighly of Jacob.... Hazael, have I thy permission to tell the brethrenhere assembled the story I began to tell thee last night, but which wasinterrupted? The old man raised his head and said: Jesus, I hearken, goon with thy story.
Brethren, yester evening I returned from the hills after having left ourflock in charge of Jacob. You know, brethren, why I confided the flockto him. After fifty (I am fifty-five) our steps are no longer as alertas they were: an old man cannot sleep in a cavern like a young man nordefend himself against robbers like a young man, and yesternight was thefirst night I spent under a roof for many a year, and under that roof Iam to live henceforth with you here, tending on our president, who needsattention now in his great age. These things were in his mind and inmine while we sat on the balcony last night taking the air. Hazael hadspoken his fear that the change from the hills to this dwelling wouldprove irksome to me at first, and our talk turned upon the life I haveled since boyhood. Our president seemed to think that the better life isto live under the sky and the sure way to happiness is in solitude: hehad fallen to admiration of my life spent among the hills, and hadspoken to me of the long journeys he used to undertake in his youth overPalestine, seeking for young men in whom he foresaw the making of goodEssenes; many of you here are his discoveries, myself certainly. Weindulged in recollection, and listening to him my thoughts were back inNazareth, and I waited for him to tell me how one night he met myfather, Joseph the carpenter, returning home after his day's work, andseeing in him a native of the district, he addressed himself to him andbegged my father to point out the road to Nazareth. My father answered:I am going thither, thou canst not do better than follow me. So the twofared on together, talking of a lodging for the night, my father fearingthat no house would be open to a stranger, which was the truth. Theyknocked at many, but received only threats that the dogs would be turnedupon them if they did not hasten away. My father said: never shall it berumoured in Nazareth that a stranger was turned away and had to sleep inthe streets. Thou shalt have my son's bed, and taking Hazael by the handmy father urged him and forced him into our house. Thou shalt sleep inmy house, my father said, and shook me out of my sleep, saying, Jesus,thy bed is wanted for a stranger, and to this day I remember standing inmy smock before Hazael, my eyes dazed with sleep.
Next day Hazael was teaching me; and it pleasing him to see in me themaking of a good Essene, and my father being willing that I should go (agood carpenter he did not see in me), he took me away with him throughSamaria into Jerusalem, and we struck across t
he desert, descending thehills into the plain of Jericho, and crossed the Jordan.
After a year's probationship I was admitted into the order of theEssenes and was given choice of a trade, and it was put forth that Ishould follow the trade of my father or work amid the fig-trees alongour terraces, but my imagination being stirred by the sight of theshepherds among the hills, I said, let me be one. And for fifteen yearsI led my flock, content to see it prosper under my care, until one day,spying two wolves scratching where I knew there was a cave, an empty oneI thought, the hermit having been taken by wolves not long before, Icouched my spear and went forward; at sight of me and my dogs the wolvesfled, as I expected they would, and the hermit that had come to the caveovernight came out, and after thanking me for driving off the wolvesasked me if I could guide him to a spring of pure water. Thou'rt not farfrom one, I said, for the cave he had come to live in was situated inthe valley of the leopard's den, which is but half-a-mile from ourbrook. I will go thither with thee this evening, but first drink from mywater-bottle, I said, for I could see he needed water, and I spoke tohim of the number of hermits we had lost lately from wild animals, buthe did not heed me, and as soon as he had soothed his parched tonguewith my water-bottle he began to tell me that he had come from theshores of the Dead Sea and was about to begin to preach the baptism ofrepentance for the remission of sins, and that we must not indulge inhope of salvation because we have Abraham for our father.
His words seemed to be true words, and I pondered on them, and along theJordan everybody was asking whether he was the promised Christ. I walkedmiles to hear him, leaving my flock in another's charge, or waited forhim to return to his cave, and often spent the night watching over himlest a wild beast should break in upon him while he slept. I had knownnone but my brethren, nor any city, and John had travelled through allJudea, and it was from him I learnt that the world was nearing its end,and that if man did not repent at once God would raise another race outof the stones by the wayside, so needful was the love of man to God; andthough it had always seemed to me God was gentler than he seemed to bein John's prophesying, yet his teaching suddenly seemed to be right tome. I got baptism from him in Jordan and went into the wilderness toread the Book of Daniel, in which he said all had been foretold, and,having read, at his advice I bade farewell to the brethren. Manahem,Saddoc, Mathias, Caleb and Eleazar remember my departure; you regrettedit and tried to dissuade me, but I answered you, saying that God hadcalled me to preach in my own country, Galilee, that whosoever has twocoats should give one to the poor; for it is the poor that willintercede for us on the last day; and, carrying John's doctrine further,I declared that it were easier for a sword to pass through an eye of aneedle than for a rich man to go to heaven, which may be true, but suchjudgments should be left to God, and, carrying it still further, I saidit was as hard for a rich man to go to heaven as for cow to calve in arook's nest.
In my teaching I wandered beyond our doctrines and taught that thisworld is but a mock, a shame, a disgrace, and that naught was of availbut repentance. John's teaching took possession of me, but I would nothave you think here that I am about to lay my sins at John's door, forsin it is for a man to desire that which God has not given, and I shouldhave remained an Essene shepherd following my flocks in the hills,whereas John did well to come out of his desert and preach that the endof the world was approaching and that men must repent, for God willedhim to preach these things. His teaching was true when he was theteacher, but when I became his disciple his teaching became false; itturned me from my natural self and into such great harshness of mindthat in Nazareth when my mother came with my brothers and sisters to thesynagogue I said, woman, I have no need of thee, and when Joseph ofArimathea returned to me after a long attendance by his father's bedside(his father had lain in a great sickness for many months; it was throughJoseph's care that he had been saved from death, Joseph was a good son),I told him he must learn to hate his father and his mother if he wouldbecome worthy to follow me. But my passion was so great in those daysthat I did not see that my teaching was not less than blasphemy againstGod, for God has created the world for us to live in it, and he has putlove of parents into our hearts because he wishes us to love ourparents, and if he has put into the heart of man love of woman, and intothe heart of woman love of man, it is because he wishes both to enjoythat love.
I fear to think of the things I said at that time, but I must speak ofthem. One man asked me before he left all things to follow me if hemight not bury his father first. I answered, leave the dead to burytheir dead, and to another who said, my hand is at the plough, may I notdrive it to the headland, I answered: leave all things and follow me. Myteaching grew more and more violent. It is not peace, I said, that Ibring to you, but a sword, and I come as a brand wherewith to set theworld in flame. I said, too, that I came to divide the house; to setfather against mother, brother against brother, sister against sister. Ican see that my remembrance of him who once was wounds the dear brethrenwith whom I have lived so long; I knew it would be hard for you to hearthat an Essene had broken the rules of a holy order, and it is hard forme to stand before you and tell that I, who was instructed by Hazael inall the pious traditions of our race, should have blasphemed againstGod's creation and God's own self. You will thrust me through the dooras an unworthy brother, saying, go, live in the wilderness, and I shallnot cry out against my expulsion through the hills and valleys, butcontinue to repent my sins in silence till death leads me into silencethat never ends. You are perhaps asking yourselves why I returned here:was it to hide myself from Pilate and the Jews? No, but to repent of theevil seed that I had sown that I returned here; and it was because hewished me to repent that God took me down from the cross and cured me ofmy wounds in Joseph's house and sent me here to lead the sheep over thehills, and it was he who put this last confession into my mouth.
It seems to me that in telling this story, brethren, I am doing but thework of God; no man strays very far from the work that God has decreedto him. But in the time I am telling I was so exalted by the manymiracles which I had performed by the power of God or the power of ademon, I know not which, that I encouraged my disciples to speak of meas the son of David, though I knew myself to be the son of Joseph thecarpenter; and when I rode into Jerusalem and the people strewed palmsbefore me and called out, the son of David, and Joseph said to me, letthem not call thee the son of David, I answered in my pride, if they didnot call it forth the stones themselves would. In the days I am telling,pride lifted me above myself, and I went about asking who I was, Moses,Elijah, Jeremiah or the Messiah promised to the Jews.
A madman! A madman, or possessed by some evil spirit, Paul cried out,and rising to his feet he rushed out of the cenoby, but nobody rose todetain him; some of the Essenes raised their heads, and a moment afterthe interruption was forgotten.
A day passed in the great exaltation and hope, and one evening I tookbread and broke it, saying that I was the bread of life that came downfrom heaven and that whosoever ate of it had everlasting life given tohim. After saying these words a great disquiet fell upon me, and callingmy disciples together I asked them to come to the garden of olives withme. And it was while asking God's forgiveness for my blasphemies thatthe emissaries and agents of the priests came and took me prisoner.
At the touch of their hands the belief that I was the Messiah promisedto the Jews rose up in my heart again, and when the priests asked me ifI were the Christ, the Son of the Blessed, I answered, I am, and yeshall see the son of man sitting on the right hand of God; and it wasnot till I was hanging on the cross for upwards of two hours that thebelief I had come down from heaven to do our Father's will faded; againmuch that I had said seemed to me evil and blasphemous, and feelingmyself about to die I called out to my Father, who answered my call atonce, bringing Joseph of Arimathea to the foot of the cross to ask thecenturion for my body for burial. But the centurion could not deliver meunto him without Pilate's order, and both went to Pilate, and he gave meto Joseph for burial.
br /> Nor did our Father allow the swoon to be lifted till Joseph entered thetomb to kiss me for the last time. It was then he opened my eyes and Isaw Joseph standing by me, a lantern in his hand, looking at me ... forthe last time before closing the tomb.
He lifted me on to his shoulder and carried me up a little twisting pathto his house, and an old woman, named Esora, attended to my wounds withbalsam, and when they were cured Joseph began to tell me that my stay inhis house was dangerous to him and to me, and he vaunted to me in turnCaesarea and Antioch as cities in which I should be safe from the Jews.But my mind was so weak and shaken that his reasons faded from my mindand I sat smiling at the sunlight like one bereft of sense. Strive as hemight, he could not awaken me from the lethargy in which I was sunken,and every day and every week increased his danger and mine; and it wasnot till the news came that my old comrades had come to live in theBrook Kerith that my mind began to awaken and to move towards aresolution; an outline began to appear, when I said, I have led my sheepover the hills yonder many a time, and tempted me to speak of you tillthe desire arose in me to see you again. You remember our arrival onemorning at daybreak and my eagerness to see the flock.
Brother Amos was glad to see me back again, and in talking of the flockJoseph was almost forgotten, which shows how wandering my mind was atthe time.... He left without seeing me, but not without warning Hazaelnot to question me else my mind might yield to the strain, saying thatit hung on a thread, which was true, and I remember how for many a yearevery cliff's edge tempted me to jump over. Joseph was gone for ever,and the memory of my sins were as tongues of flame that leaped by turnsout of the ashes. But the fiercest ashes grow cold in time; we turn themover without fear of flame, and last night I said to Hazael as we sattogether, there is a sin in my life that none knows of, it is buriedfathoms deep out of all sight of men, and Hazael having said there waslittle of the world's time in front of him, I felt suddenly I could notconceal from him any longer the sin that Joseph had not dared to tellhim--that I had once believed myself to be a precursor of the Messiahlike many that came before me, but unlike any other I began to believemyself to be the incarnate word.
A soft, vague sound, the gurgle of the brook, rose out of the stillness,as it flowed down the gorge from cavern to cavern.
After a little while Hazael called to Manahem and bade him relate toJesus the story Paul had told them, and when Jesus had heard the storyhe was overtaken with a great pity for Paul. But thinkest that he willbelieve thee? Hazael asked, lifting his chin out of his beard, and thecalm of Jesus' face was troubled by the question and he sank upon astool close by Hazael's chair. What may we do? he muttered, and theEssenes withdrew, for they guessed that the elders had serious words tospeak together.
Thou hast heard my story, Hazael; nothing remains now but to bidfarewell to thy old friend. To say farewell, Jesus, Hazael repeated, whyshould we say farewell? Hazael, the rule of our order forbids me tostay, Jesus answered; those who commit crimes like mine are cast out andleft to starve in the desert. But, Jesus, Hazael replied, thou knowestwell that none here would put thee beyond the doors. Thy crimes,whatever they may have been, are between thee and God. It is for thee torepent, and from hill-top to hill-top thou hast prayed for forgiveness,and through all the valleys. All things in the end rest with him. Speakto us not of going. But if God had forgiven me, Jesus answered, and myblasphemies against him, he would not have sent this man hither. Andwhat dost thou propose to do? Hazael asked, raising his head from hisbeard and looking Jesus in the face.
To go to Jerusalem, Jesus answered, and to tell the people that I wasnot raised from the dead by God to open the doors of heaven to Jews andinfidels alike. But who will believe thee to be Jesus that Pilatecondemned to the cross? Hazael asked. Twenty years have gone over andthey will say: a poor, insane shepherd from the Judean hills. Be this asit may, my repentance will then be complete, Jesus muttered. But thouhast repented, Hazael wailed in his beard. But, Jesus, all religions,except ours, are founded on lies, and there have been thousands, andthere will be thousands more. Why trouble thyself about the races thatcover the face of the earth or even about thine own race. Let thythoughts not stray from this group of Essenes whom thou hast knownalways or from me who found thee in Nazareth and took thee by the hand.Why think of me? It is enough to remember that all good and all evil(that concern us) proceeds from ourselves. Hast not said to me that Godhas implanted a sense of good and evil in our hearts and that it is bythis sense that we know him rather than through scrolls and miracles?Abide by thy own words, Jesus. Be not led away again by an impulse, andgo not forth again, for it is by going forth, as thou knowest, that wefall into sin. Wouldst try once more to make others according to thineown image and likeness, to make them see and hear and feel as thoufeelest, seest and hearest; but such changes may not be made by any manin another. We may not alter the work of God, and we are all the worksof God, each shaped out of a design that lay in the back of his mind forall eternity. We cannot reshape others nor ourselves, and why do I tellthings thou knowest better than I? The thoughts that I am teaching noware thine own thoughts related to me often on thy return from the hillsand collected by me in faithful memory. Hast forgotten, Jesus, havingsaid to me, the world cannot be remoulded, all men may not be saved,only a few, by the grace of God? I said these things to thee, Hazael,but what did I say but my thoughts, and what are my thoughts? Lighterthan the bloom of dandelion floating on the hills. It is not to our ownthoughts we must look for guidance but God's thoughts, which are deep inus and clear in us, but we do not listen and are led away by our reason.My sin was to have preached John as well as myself. I strayed beyondmyself and lost myself in the love of God, a thing a man may do if helove not his fellows. My sin was not to have loved men enough. But weare as God made us, and must do the best we can with ourselves.
Jesus waited for Hazael to answer him, but Hazael made no answer, butsat like a stone, his head hanging upon his chest. Why dost thou notanswer, Hazael? he said, and Hazael answered: Jesus, my thoughts wereaway. I was thinking of last night, of our talk together in thatbalcony--I was thinking, Jesus, how sweet life is in the beginning, andhow it grows bitter in the mouth; and the end seems bitter indeed whenwe think of the gladness that day when we walked through the garlandedstreets of our first day together in Nazareth. It was in the springtimeof our lives and of the year. How delightful it was for me to find onelike thee so eager to understand the life of the Essenes: so eager tojoin us. Such delight I shall not find again. We spoke last night of ourjourney from Nazareth to Jerusalem and across the Jordan. Thou wouldstnot follow thy father's trade, but would lead flocks from the hills, andbecamest in time the best shepherd, it is said, ever known in the hills.No one ever had an eye for a ram or ewe like thee, and of thy cure forscab all the shepherds are envious. We were proud of our shepherd, buthe met John and came to me saying that God had called him to go forthand convert the world. Since God has placed thee here, I said, how is itthat he should come and call thee away now? And thou wast eager withexplanation up and down the terraces till we reached the bridge. Wecrossed it and followed the path and under the cliffs till we came tothe road that leads to Jerusalem. It was there we said farewell. Twoyears or more passed away, and then Joseph brought thee back. A tired,suffering man whose wits were half gone and who recovered them slowly,but who did not recover them while leading his flock. How often have wetalked of its increase, and now we shall never talk again of rams andewes nor of thy meditations in the desert and on the hill-tops and inthe cave at night. So much to me were these sweet returnings of theefrom the hills that my hope was that the dawn was drawing nigh when thouwouldst return no more to the hills, and yesternight was a happy nightwhen we sat together on the balcony indulging in recollection, thinkingthat henceforth we should live within sight of each other's facesalways. My hope last night was that it would be thou that wouldst closemy eyes and lay me in a rock sepulchre out of reach of the hyenas. Butmy hopes have all vanished now. Thou art about to leave me. Thebreth
ren? No, they will not leave me, but even should all remain, ifthou be not here I shall be as alone.
But, Hazael, all may be as thou sayest, the Jews will welcome me, Jesusanswered. I am no longer the enemy; Paul is the enemy of Judaism and Iam become the testimony. Judaism, he says, is the root that bears thebranches, and if I go to Jerusalem and tell the Jews that the Nazarenewhom Pilate put upon the cross still lives in the flesh, they willrejoice exceedingly, and send agents and emissaries after him whereverhe goes. Paul persecuted me and my disciples, and now it would seem thatmy hand is turned against him. Remain with us, Hazael cried. Forget theworld, leave it to itself and fear not; one lie more will make nodifference in a world that has lived upon lies from the beginning oftime. A counsel that tempts me, for I would begin no persecution againstPaul, but the lie has spread and will run all over the world even as asingle mustard seed, and the seed is of my sowing; all returns to me;that Paul was able to follow the path is certain testimony that he wassent by God to me, and that I am called to be about my Father's work. Asthou sayest, things repeat themselves. Farewell, Hazael. Farewell, myfather in the faith. So there is no detaining thee, my dear son, and,rising from his seat, Hazael put a staff in Jesus' hand and hung a scripabout his neck. If thy business be done perhaps---- But no, let usindulge in no false hopes. Neither will look upon the other's faceagain. Jesus did not answer, and returning to the balcony Hazael said: Iwill sit here and watch thee for the last time.
But Jesus did not raise his eyes until he reached the bridge, and thenhe took the path that led by the cenobies of other days, and walkedhastily, for he was too agitated to think. A little in front of him,some hundred yards, a great rock overhung the path, and when he camethere he stopped, for it was the last point from which he could havesight of the balcony. As he stood looking back, shading his eyes withhis hand, he saw two of the brethren come and touch Hazael on theshoulder. As he did not raise his head to answer, they consultedtogether, and Jesus hurried away lest some sudden and impetuous emotionshould call him back from his errand.