From Darkness

  *****

  Bane hadn’t seen him since, though Dane’s words would haunt him. Not because they were true by any means, but because they were nearly identical to what he himself had told his father forty years ago; a memory that troubled him to this day.

  Mitchell was fine despite Dane’s view of things, a little upset that he could no longer play some of the video games that he use to play and watch some of the things he use to watch, but they’d seen him blossom with his new friends at church. One thing Dane was right about though was his school, they hadn’t taken too kindly to Mitchell exclaiming his faith in his new found savior and they’d had to have a discussion about when he needed to keep his beliefs to himself. It was when Mitchell asked that if he loved Jesus why couldn’t he say so if everyone one else could say whom they loved that got their attention. They didn’t quite have an answer to that, but in the end they switched his school to a Christian academy suggested by their church. Some mountains they just weren’t ready to tackle yet, not with everything else going on in their lives. Besides Mitchell needed a good foundation and the more they could give him that the better. He still looked at the Bible stories as stories most of the time and he couldn’t quite grasp how they affected his life, but he had a true heart to know them, but his siblings. It was all they could do to get the whole family to church and Dane had refused from the start.

  He had no idea how to address Mason’s homosexuality. At first he and Shaylon had had him tested for hormonal imbalances and any other medical reason that might cause him to be confused about himself, but all the tests had come back normal. Mason was a healthy teenager and he and Shaylon were too embarrassed to bring it up to their pastor. It had become their dirty little secret that none of them knew how to deal with. They had tried to confront him after they’d been to church for a while, but Mason had shut them out retreating into a shell. No matter how much they tried to tell him that he was okay, but his choice wasn’t they just couldn’t get through to him.

  Parker flat out refused to give up his pornography. He found every way humanly possible to sneak it into the house. Getting by the parental settings on his computer, phone, and any other device he could get his hands on and they were about to send him to addiction therapy.

  Then there was Delilah, they could tell she was torn between acting like a lady and her desire to be loved and to get attention. Bane had only recently begun to understand just how important a father was in a daughter’s life and to her self-esteem. He was still working on himself; he had no idea how to guide her into being a woman of God. He’d thought he had the answers, but now he felt like a failure. Not to mention that no matter how hard he tried he could feel the desire to drink growing inside him. He thought he’d put that past him, but the more he fought with the kids, the more things went wrong the more the longing would rise inside him. He knew there was nothing wrong with having a drink and he wasn’t a teetotaler, but he didn’t want that crutch. If he felt he had to have that drink then that’s when he didn’t need it.

  In the beginning of his walk with God His word was so alive, so accessible. If he was having a confusing moment or a hard time with something he could simple close his eyes, open the Bible and look down to where it had opened to find a passage that fit whatever he was going through at the time. It had gotten him through the legal situation with his record label and the concert tour contract. God had been with him every step of the way even to the point where he was able to enact his ‘final say’ clause in his record contract to prevent the release of that last album. Sure they had lost money on it, everyone had, but it could have been a lot worse and they had the money to cover the penalties. It was a blessing that the company had dropped him, it saved him the trouble of another contract dispute, but now.... Now every time he would randomly open his Bible for a special word for him from God all he got was, ‘Woe to you you wicked sinner’. Not even the notes and highlighted verses he’d been accruing in the days since he realized it wasn’t a sin to mark in his Bible gave little comfort. What had he done for God to remove his guidance like that? Had he failed in some way? Not done something he should have done? Done something that he shouldn’t? Had he driven his children away from God? What did God want from him, he was trying so hard? This walk with God, following Him was supposed to make his life better not harder!

  Bane walked to his bar and poured a drink, not caring about his promise to himself or to God. Why should he continue to toe the line and be the good little boy if God was just going to leave him hanging? His hand shook as he raised the tumbler to his lips, his mouth watering in anticipation. He was tired of always having to do the right thing, tired of not having the answers, tired of not being able to help his kids, tired... of being tired. Like Dane had said, he was done and as he opened his lips to take that first drink anger and frustration overflowing inside him he flung the glass into the wall shattering it into a few dozen pieces, spraying the room with booze and glistening shards. Bane sank to his knees burying his face in the plush carpet crying out to a God he wasn’t sure was even listening to him anymore.

  “God where are you? Haven’t I done enough, what am I missing? What have I done wrong? Just tell me and I’ll change I’ll do it Lord, whatever you want I’ll do it just tell me what it is? Talk to me please, don’t leave me in the dark, don’t leave me all alone here. I’m trying so hard, trying to change, to be the man I’m supposed to be, to be a good husband and father. I can’t do it anymore; I don’t know what you want from me! I’ve tried everything I can think of and I don’t know what’s wrong. What’s wrong with me why have you abandoned me? Your word says you’ll never leave me or forsake me, but I don’t feel you, I can’t hear your voice and I don’t know why. Please help me Lord I can’t do this without you... I can’t do this anymore... I can’t... I...” His sobs choked him, but he couldn’t go on anyway his spirit was poured out and he was drained. All he could do was kneel there on the floor his face still planted on the rug crying out to the savior he couldn’t live without, but wasn’t sure was there.