Monster Pirate Cheese Boy

  “Suits you,” said Vanessa, scratching her head with one leg.

  Alfie frowned at the spider. “Enough of your cheek, and as for you, Spider Sam – give me one good reason why I shouldn’t squash you and your freakish spider.”

  Spider Sam burst out laughing. When his guffaws had abated he spat a blob of tobacco onto the sand. “I’ll tell you why,” he said. “I’ve been watching you.” Spider Sam tapped his eye patch. “And I saw you sail into the bay last even’tide, you can’t steer that ship of yours – in fact I’ve never seen a worse display of seamanship.” He jerked his head to where The Merry Mary bobbed atop the waves. “A ship like that deserves a proper helmsman. You couldn’t sail a leaf out of a puddle.”

  “I could… I mean, I can!” The newly named Captain Thunders stamped his foot down on the sand with such power all the little sand worms crawled away to safety. “I can so sail my ship!”

  “Can’t!” Spider Sam removed a pouch from his pocket, took out a handful of tobacco and began chewing again.

  “How dare you speak to me like that!” snarled Captain Thunders. “I’ll show you, you snivelling sea snake!”

  “Hah!” Spider Sam sprayed out a mottled haze of tobacco juice. “I wouldn’t attempt to sail her if I were you, Cap’n. Do y’see that bed of coral out there?”

  Captain Thunders squinted out to sea. “No! Where?” He frantically scanned the coastline.

  “Yonder!”

  The Captain squinted even harder, trying to see where Spider Sam was jabbing with his filthy finger. “Can’t see it.” Captain Thunders stamped on a rock, sending crabs crawling out of the rock pools, scampering away to the safety of the waves.

  “Only the eye of an experienced sailor can spy a hazard like a coral reef.”

  “They’re not for cissies,” said Vanessa.

  Spider Sam stroked his spider’s head with his finger. “That’s right, Vanessa, and that, Captain Thunders is why you’ll be needing me.” Spider Sam pointed to his chest. “For anyone will tell you there’s no more experienced a sailor than Spider Sam Spiggot.” Spider Sam folded his arms, standing back proudly while Vanessa bounced up and down, snickering.

  “He’s a good all-rounder,” she said, still bouncing.

  Spider Sam tapped his nose. “And I’m very well connected.”

  “He is,” said Vanessa. “There’s no one not worth knowing he doesn’t know.”

  Captain Thunders glared crossly at Spider Sam. He loved his new pirate ship, but he had to admit he had not found sailing her particularly easy – in fact it was really, really hard! He didn’t want to admit to anyone that he couldn’t sail his own ship and come to think of it, a pirate as big and important as him shouldn’t be sailing his own ship anyway. He needed a crew to do it for him. Yes! The Merry Mary needed a crew of roughty, toughty pirates with lots of experience of thievery, plundering and skulduggery.

  Fixing Spider Sam with a suspicious stare, Captain Thunders stroked his beard, jingling the little bell as he thought.

  “Alright,” he said, finally. “I’ll let you join my crew.”

  Spider Sam stuck his filthy thumbs in the air and grinned. “Arrrr!” he said. “You’ll not regret it, Cap’n.”

  “Where’s the rest of your ship’s crew?” asked Vanessa.

  “Err…” said Captain Thunders. “I need a new one. As first mate, Spider Sam, you can be responsible for securing a crew for The Merry Mary – fearsome pirates, strong and brave.”

  “Isn’t that all pirates?” asked Vanessa. “They wouldn’t last long if they were weedy, shrinking violets.”

  “I think I may get a parrot,” said Captain Thunders, smiling nastily at Vanessa. “They eat spiders, don’t they?”

  “Parrots,” said Spider Sam, “is very ‘ard to catch. But I do know a pirate with a monkey. How ‘bout that?”

  “Come on,” said Captain Thunders. “Less of this shilly-shallying on the sands – let’s get to sea.”

  After stowing Vanessa safely inside his hat, Spider Sam grasped the side of the boat and began shoving it towards the shore. The Captain skipped off across the beach with all the grace of a baby elephant. More little crabs scuttled for their lives before they could be crushed by his giant boots. As Captain Thunders ran along the sands he began to sing very loudly:

  “Oh, swishing, swirling sea,

  It’s a pirate’s life for me.

  It’ll be such a pleasure,

  Stealing your treasure.

  Tra, la, la, la, lee.”

  “Ah, hem,” said Spider Sam, pushing his boat into the water with a splash. “Don’t you mean a pirate’s life for ‘us’?”

  “And meeee!” yelled Vanessa, bouncing out of the hat onto a bench as Spider Sam jumped into the rowing boat.

  “Oh, all right then – us! Now, come on!” Captain Thunders waded through the waves towards his ship while Spider Sam rowed as fast as he could alongside. When they were safely on board, the Captain clasped his hands together, sighing with contentment, as he watched Spider Sam steer them out of the bay. The open seas were choppy and The Merry Mary began to dip and dive. The Captain gulped. He felt a little woozy and wobbly and with a crash fell backwards onto the deck.

  *

  Alfie Rains woke up by the chiller cabinets in the supermarket.

  “Oh, Alfie,” said his mother. “You did give us such a scare! You’ve been at the cheese again – you’ve got it smeared around your mouth.”

  “I told you little boys are nothing but trouble.” Mrs Winifred Pickles firmly clutched a bright yellow knitted shopping bag to her chest. Glaring down at Alfie, she snarled. “Slugs and snails, so they say – more like toads and trolls, is my thinking. Sugar and spice – little girls are just so much nicer.”

  “Girls are stupid!” grumbled Alfie crossly, wiping cheese away from his mouth. He wanted to be on his ship, not in the silly old supermarket. He jumped to his feet, stamping away from his mother in a great, big huff.

  Chapter Five

  Pointy Island

  It was a sunny August day and Petie Pilchard’s party was in full swing, the bouncy castle full to capacity with leaping children.

  “Wheee!” shouted Trixie. “Look at meeee!”

  Alfie was bouncing steadily nearer to Trixie. Veering sideways and taking a huge bound, he bounced right into Trixie sending her flying head first into the side of the castle.

  BOINGGGG! She ricocheted off the wall, pinging flat onto her face.

  “WHAAAAAAA!” wailed Trixie. She tried to scramble to her feet, purple socks paddling furiously against the shiny plastic castle.

  “Ha, ha, ha, Trixie.” Alfie knocked her down again.

  “Children!” called a voice from outside the castle. “The buffet is ready now –come and get it!”

  Twenty five hungry children bounced out of the castle, stampeding towards the trestle tables groaning under an enormous mass of party food.

  “SHOES!” Twenty five children turned around and flung themselves into the pile of shoes. Seconds later, they back were up, thundering towards the table. Alfie suddenly became aware his running feet were not going anywhere. His mother had a firm grip on the back of his t-shirt.

  “No cheese, Alfie,” she said, giving him a little shake. “Do you hear me?” Alfie glared mutinously at her. “I’m not putting you down until you answer me, Alfie.”

  “Yeah, all right.” His mother lowered him. As soon as Alfie’s feet touched the ground, he skittered off to catch the rest of the children at the table. He stuffed a couple of sausage rolls into his mouth, then peered around to see if his mother was watching him. She was. He edged along the table towards Trixie, then poked her in the arm.

  “What?” Trixie spun around, then went bright red in the face when she saw it was Alfie.

  Alfie opened his mouth as wide as he could, displaying the revolting mush of half-eaten sausage rolls inside.

  “Urgh!” Trixie scrunched up her face and waved her arms arou
nd her head like a small purple windmill. “Yuck. Alfie’s disgusting! MUMMY! Alfie’s being gross.”

  There was a momentary skirmish as all the nearby children fought to get out of the way of Trixie’s whirling arms. Alfie took his chance and dived under the table. Hidden by the gathered mass of a blue and yellow crepe table cloth he crawled to the other side and popped back up. The kerfuffle was still going on. Everyone only had eyes for the flailing Trixie. A tray of cheese sandwiches was well within his reach. Alfie pulled it towards him, dragging it under the table. He removed the cheese from each sandwich, chewing quickly and swallowing like a greedy toad.

  “Groo,” said Alfie, rubbing his stomach. Within moments, his cheeks raged with the heat of a bonfire. Remembering what came next he covered his mouth to hide the sound of the loud and cheesy burp that was sure to follow. But, disgustingly, it seemed to come out of his nose.

  With a pop, Alfie Rains disappeared, leaving only a small figure dressed in combat shorts and a camouflage t-shirt lying on the grass under the table.

  *

  “Wake up, Cap’n!” Spider Sam was pointing at something over the side of the ship. Captain Thunders got to his feet, put his hand to his brow and tried to spy what he was supposed to be looking at.

  “Land ahoy! Avast, Cap’n – we’ve reached Pointy Island at last,” bellowed Spider Sam.

  Ahead of The Merry Mary lay the greenery of an island. A mountain stuck up right in the middle, its tip crooked as a broken finger.

  “Remind me why we’re going to Pointy Island?” Captain Thunders removed his hat and began scratching his head.

  Vanessa was perched on Spider Sam’s shoulder. “We’re all going to buy party dresses!” she said. “Why’d’ya think we’re going there?”

  “Have ya forgotten, Cap’n?” said Spider Sam, tickling Vanessa. “We’re a going for a crew. The lads cluster on Pointy Island eager for some new adventures.” He patted the cutlass at his waist in its battered leather scabbard. “This sharp rascal needs some exercise.”

  “So do you,” said Vanessa.

  “Ooh, goody! An adventure!” Captain Thunders clapped his hands in delight.

  “Ha, ha,” said Vanessa. “You said ‘oh, goody’.”

  “So what if I did?” The Captain brushed down his jacket. “I was also going to say the seas await us with vast bounties of gold and jewels. Lives will be lost and ships scuppered in our quest for treasure. ARRRR adventure.”

  “Hmm,” said Vanessa. “If you say so.”

  “I do say so!” Captain Thunders stuck his face towards the spider. Puffing out such a blast of hot nose-wind he ruffled her fur. “I can feel a spider squashing coming on!”

  “All right, all right keep yer hat on – I was only joking.” Vanessa shuffled backwards folding her knees over her head.

  “Come on Spider Sam – let’s get to the island!” Captain Thunders thumped across the deck and gazed over the side. “I want to meet the crew.”

  “Splice the mainsail, bring her round!”

  For a moment the Captain wondered if Spider Sam was talking at him, but realised with relief that he was talking to Vanessa. The spider had jumped onto the wheel and was making it spin this way and that by bouncing up and down.

  “Bring her about, I’ll drop anchor,” yelled Spider Sam.

  Captain Thunders took his hat off again to lean over the side of the ship. A group of swarthy fellows were clustered like scruffy barnacles on the rocks below them, looking up. Suddenly a small furry body raced up the anchor chain. Flying through the air it landed with a bump on deck. It was a little monkey with a cheeky wrinkled face. Chattering excitedly, the monkey ran straight to the Captain and tugged on his boot.

  “Get off!”

  The monkey jumped, climbed up the Captain’s breeches, swarmed up his jacket, settling itself on top of his head. Captain Thunders swatted at it with his hat, but the monkey didn’t budge, if anything, it dug its little fingers more tightly into his thick black hair.

  “Get it off me! Remove this accursed beast from my head.”

  “My apologies, Captain.” A tall hook-nosed pirate swung himself gracefully over the deck-rail. He had the most marvellous moustache, swirling up at the ends into perfect little curls. “Come here, Mr Spinks.”

  The pirate’s voice was rich with cultured tones. Stepping up to the frantically flailing Captain he held out his arm. The monkey gibbered and releasing its grip from the Captain’s hair, it bounced lightly onto the tall pirate’s shoulder.

  “Lord Godolphin Hinton Winton.” The pirate bowed low before Captain Thunders, almost dislodging the monkey from his shoulder. But Mr Spinks dug his claws in and hung upside down until his master stood upright again.

  “You have a wretched little beast,” said Captain Thunders, eyeing the fabulously named fellow before him, adding. “Are you really a Lord?”

  “That I am,” said the pirate. “But you can call me Hooknose.”

  “What do you do?” asked the Captain. “We have no need for a monkey wrangler on this ship.”

  Hooknose threw back his head, laughing heartily. “I stand before you the finest of helmsmen, Captain Thunders, sir. And Mr Spinks here is not just a pet, but a useful pirate who can get into the smallest of spaces, listening, lightening loads and loosening bonds whenever he is called upon to do so.”

  “Hmm,” said Captain Thunders, remembering being tied up on the dock. “He can stay for now. But one thing puzzles me, you hook-nosed fellow – if you are a lord as you say you are, then why do you sail the seas with rogues and rapscallions?”

  Hooknose chuckled, allowing Mr Spinks to curl his tail around his finger.

  “A lord of the manor, I am. Squire of one hundred thousand acres of heartland, owner of factories, mills and shipyards – but…” The helmsman tapped his nose and grinned. “I am also bad from the tips of my toes to the end of my hook of a nose. Shot through the centre with mischief and mayhem. Truly, Captain I could no sooner be a grand lord of the manor, than Spider Sam here could be a beauty queen – isn’t that the truth, Sam?”

  “In some eyes I could be found comely,” said Spider Sam.

  “Eyes crossed with madness,” said Vanessa.

  Captain Thunders distracted by the banter had missed Mr Spinks dropping lightly onto the deck-rail. The monkey scampered behind his back and took a leap at his swinging pony-tail.

  “Ow! Ow, Ow!” Reaching behind his back, the Captain twirled in circles trying to catch the mischievous monkey. Mr Spinks dropped to the ground and raced across the ship followed by the furious Captain. The lithe little creature turned and backtracked, leading his pursuer a merry dance all over the ship.

  “Pathetic!” shouted Vanessa, as they ran past her yet again. “Can’t even catch a monkey. Oops.” Captain Thunders stopped so fast he hit the wheel. For a moment Vanessa looked startled and then she began to laugh and point with four of her legs. Mr Spinks was capering about pulling faces behind the Captain’s back.

  “Cap’n!” called Spider Sam. “When you have finished cavorting with the ship’s animals – the rest of the crew are now aboard and ready for inspection.”

  Taking one last swipe at the monkey with his hat, Captain Thunders turned. Ranged before him was a motley trio of messy, hairy pirates dressed in an assortment of leather waistcoats, patched garments, garish socks, dangling earrings and some very outlandish headgear.

  “Slithering seasnakes,” said Captain Thunders. “Call yourself pirates – I’ve never seen such a cluster of mould-mongers. Spider Sam, they cannot be the fearsome crew of my ship I have been expecting?”

  “Ah, yes, Cap’n,” said Spider Sam. “Truly these are some of the most notorious rogues and ruffians you could ever dread to meet, eh lads?”

  A shout went up. A collection of pistols, cutlasses, daggers and whips waved menacingly in the air backed by a raucous chorus of, ‘wey hey’s’, ‘arrrrr’s’, and ‘let me at ‘em’s’. The seagulls perched on the m
ast flew up in a flurry of alarmed squawks. Wheeling overhead, the gulls screamed and flapped until the rumpus died down. There was a sudden spat. White and green goo ran down one of the assembled crew’s woolly hat. It dripped down his nose and plopped off his chin.

  “That’s lucky, y’know,” said Vanessa, now back on the wheel. The freshly decorated pirate wiped his face with his hat.

  “That’s Unlucky Pete, the boson,” explained Spider Sam. “He’s a useful man to have around, because you know that he’s always going to find any traps first.”

  “What can he do?” asked the Captain, eyeing Pete doubtfully as he tried to wipe his hat clean on a barrel. “Is he any good at fighting, he looks too weedy to be deadly.”

  “Pete’s a master swordsman,” said Spider Sam. “He’s a fine shot, a stealthy stabber and a seasoned sailor – and right now he’s been well seasoned!”

  Unlucky Pete grinned at Captain Thunders then rubbed his gungy hat onto a coil of rope.

  “OY!” said Captain Thunders, crossly. “Don’t do that – it’s a new rope.”

  Unlucky Pete continued wiping his hat on the rope.

  “Oy, I said stop it!” The Captain threw a barrel at Pete. It bounced once, rolling away across the deck. “I give up,” said Captain Thunders. “Now – who’s next?”

  A tub of a man with a small Jolly Roger flag planted on top of his hat stepped forwards. “I’m Portuguese John,” he said, removing his hat and dipping a bow.

  “Why do they call you that?” asked the Captain.

  “I’m Portuguese!” replied John.

  Captain Thunders groaned. “Of course you are, what do you do?”

  “Rigger,” said John, replacing his hat.

  “I have to ask…” said the Captain, pointing to the flag.

  “That, Captain,” said Hooknose, “is John’s calling card. Each ship we take – John plants a flag.”

  “Arr,” said Unlucky Pete, grinning. “And he usually plants it somewhere painful, don’t yer, John?”

  The last pirate on the line was a hulking great fellow with a lantern jaw. The Captain looked in surprise at the fellow’s crossed eyes.

  “Don’t tell me,” he said. “Let me guess – you’re called cross-eyed Craig, aren’t you?”