Wolfsong

  Joe sat behind his father’s desk. He looked like a child playing grown-up.

  And there was me. In-the-dark me.

  No one was talking.

  So I said, “What did you do?”

  All gazes snapped to me, but I only had eyes for Joe.

  He sighed. “We’re leaving.”

  “What? When?”

  “Tomorrow.”

  “You know I can’t leave yet,” I said. “I have to meet with Mom’s lawyer in two weeks to go over her will. There’s the house and—”

  “Not you, Ox,” Joe said quietly.

  I froze.

  “And not Mom. Or Mark.”

  My skin buzzed.

  He waited.

  “So it’s you,” I said slowly, not quite sure I understood. “And Carter. Kelly.”

  “And Gordo.”

  “And Gordo,” I repeated flatly. “Where are you going?”

  “To do what’s right,” he said, his eyes never leaving mine. There was something building here, something between the two of us, and it wasn’t good. None of it was good.

  “Nothing about this is right,” I said. “Why didn’t you tell me about this?”

  “I’m telling you now.”

  “Because that’s the right—where are you going?”

  “After Richard.”

  I should have expected that.

  I didn’t.

  It hit me like a hammer to the chest.

  “Why?” I choked out.

  “Because he took from us,” Joe said, hands curling into fists. “He took from us, all of us. From me. From you. You told me that we needed to—”

  “I was angry,” I cried at him. “People say things when they’re angry.”

  “Well I still am! And you should be too. Ox, he—”

  “And what do you think you’re going to do?” I asked him. “What do you think could possibly happen here?”

  “I am going to hunt him down,” Joe said, claws popping. “And I am going to kill him for everything he’s taken from me.”

  “You can’t divide the pack,” I said, sounding rather desperate. “Not now. Joe, you are the goddamn Alpha. They need you here. All of them. Together. Do you really think they’d agree to—”

  “I already told them days ago.” He winced. Then, “Shit.”

  The buzzing intensified. “You did what.”

  I looked at each of them in turn.

  Carter and Kelly were staring at the floor.

  Mark and Elizabeth met my gaze. Elizabeth’s eyes were dull and muted. Mark looked harder than I’d ever seen him before.

  And Gordo. He—

  “Ox—” Gordo started.

  “No,” I snapped. “I’ll deal with you later.”

  He sighed.

  I looked back at Joe. He looked stricken but resolute.

  “That’s it, then.”

  “Yes.”

  “You’re just going to go after him.”

  “Yes.”

  “You’re going to hunt him down.”

  “Yes.”

  “And leave the rest of us here to… what? Wait for you? To hope that he doesn’t kill you? To hope he doesn’t come back here where you’ve left us unprotected? Is that what an Alpha does?” I didn’t mean to say that last part. It just came out. And I saw the hurt on Joe’s face before he carefully slid his face into a blank expression. He’d never done that to me before. Hidden himself away. We were open with each other. Always. Until this last week, when he’d apparently kept secret far more than I thought he was capable of.

  He said, “I don’t expect you to understand, Ox. Not completely. This is something I have to do.”

  “It’s not. You don’t have to do shit. You really think this is what Thomas would have wanted? Do you really think this is what he wanted for you? He wouldn’t have—”

  Joe’s eyes flashed red. When he spoke, it was through a hint of fangs. “He was my father, not yours. You don’t get to—”

  “Joseph,” Elizabeth said, her voice a whip crack of warning.

  But the damage was already done.

  I took a step back, suddenly unsure about everything. My place here with the pack. With Joe. It was funny how just a few words could make me question everything.

  Joe made a wounded noise, broken and soft. “Ox,” he said. “I didn’t mean that.”

  And I knew that. Or at least I thought I did.

  But it still hurt more than anything. Especially coming from him. My father still haunted me, even though he was bones in the ground.

  And for the first time, I felt my own mask slipping into place, forcing back the hurt. The anger. The sheer terror at the idea of Joe leaving. I wasn’t scared for us, those that he was leaving behind. I was scared for him.

  And they’d all decided this. Without me.

  The human in the pack.

  “How long?” I asked, voice short and clipped.

  The wolves looked anxious. Gordo frowned.

  “Ox,” Joe said, voice soft.

  “No,” I said. “You want to do this? Fine. You want to make decisions without including me? Go ahead. Obviously things aren’t the way I thought they were. But since you’re capable of making these decisions, you can answer the goddamn question. How. Long?”

  The blank look was gone from his face. Now he looked like a scared little boy, not the Alpha of the Bennett pack. Most every single part of me was screaming to go to him. To hold him close and never let him out of my sight again. To make this right somehow, because I thought that was supposed to be my job.

  But I didn’t.

  “As long as it takes,” he said quietly.

  “And the rest of us?”

  “You’ll stay here.”

  “And if he comes back? Or anyone comes? Omegas looking for territory. People like Marie. Or whatever else is out there that none of you have told me about.”

  “There will be… protections in place,” Gordo said. I didn’t look back at him, never taking my eyes off Joe.

  “Like there were when your father came,” I said. Low blow again, but necessary.

  “I’m better prepared this time,” Gordo said, “now that I know. Richard won’t be able to return to Green Creek. Or my father. Or Osmond.”

  “But others can.”

  “They won’t,” Joe said, sounding less confident than he should, especially if he was trying to sound convincing.

  The mask slipped. “How could you know that? You won’t even be here.”

  Joe flinched.

  “Just so I understand,” I said. “My mother died. Your father died. You took his place. And your first act as Alpha is to divide your pack so you can have revenge.”

  Joe’s eyes bled red again. “You’re right,” he said coolly. “I am the Alpha. And I will do what I think is right. You may not agree with me, Ox, but you will respect my decision because I made it.”

  “That’s not how that works,” I said, even though a large part of me was demanding I bare my throat in deference. “Just because you’re who you are now doesn’t mean I’ll blindly follow you. Your father understood that. I don’t think you do.”

  His claws gouged the wood on the desk as he growled deeply.

  Carter and Kelly whimpered, eyes darting between us.

  Elizabeth was pale.

  Even Mark looked worried.

  Gordo, well. Fuck him.

  “What if he hurts someone else?” Joe asked, as he regained control. “What if he tries to take away someone else’s family? Do you think I could let myself live with that? He hurts people, Ox. And he does it because he can. I can’t let that happen anymore.”

  “Then we all go,” I said. “If you’re going, then you take the rest of us.”

  He shook his head. “No. Absolutely not.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I don’t want to risk my mom. And we can’t leave the territory unprotected.”

  I bit back the need to point out that they’d left Green Creek for yea
rs and nothing had happened. “Fine,” I said. “Then Carter can stay. Or Kelly. Mark is already here. But I’m going with you.”

  “No,” Joe said.

  “Why not?”

  “Because I said so.”

  “That’s not good enough.”

  “Really?” Joe said, sounding furious. “You want to know why, Ox? Because I just lost my father and I am broken because of it. Losing him hurts more than anything I’ve ever felt before. But losing you? Ox, if anything happened to you, it would kill me. There is no point for me if you’re not here. So no. You’re not going. You’re going to stay here because I love you more than anything in this goddamn world and I don’t fucking care if you’re pissed. I don’t care if you hate me because of it. As long as I know you’re safe, then that’s all that matters. That’s why, you bastard.”

  I wanted nothing more than to tell him the same.

  But I pushed. Because this wasn’t right. “You can’t use your feelings for me to keep me here, Joe. That’s not how this works. I’m not going to stand aside just so you can—”

  “I don’t care!” he roared, slamming his fist down onto his father’s desk. The surface cracked, splitting the wood. “You’re my tether, Ox. And you’re Gordo’s. What do you think would happen if we lost you?”

  “You’re an asshole,” I said. “Jesus Christ, Joe.”

  “The decision has been made.”

  “Obviously. I don’t even know why I’m here, then, or why we’re talking. Seeing as how you’ll do what you want anyway. You want to leave? Fine. Go. I won’t stand in your way. Not anymore.”

  “Ox—”

  “You’ve made up your mind?”

  He nodded and looked away.

  “Good,” I said. “Now deal with the consequences.”

  And I turned and left.

  before you go/bittersweet

  IT WAS Gordo who found me first.

  I was near our clearing, lying on my back, staring up at the stars through the canopy of trees. From where I lay, I could see the ground where Thomas’s pyre had been, the earth scorched. I couldn’t bring myself to go any closer.

  I didn’t even need to look up to see who it was. I wondered when I started knowing the pack through bonds alone. I thought most of the others were around, but hanging back. All of them. Except for Joe. He wasn’t in the woods.

  “When we were out,” I said dully, eyes tracing over Canis Major. “When you were resetting the wards. You knew already, didn’t you?”

  He hesitated. Then, “Yes.”

  “And he told you not to tell me.”

  “Yes, but I agreed with him.”

  I snorted. “Of course you did.”

  Gordo sighed, and I saw him out of the corner of my eye, moving in the dark off to my right. “He’s not wrong, Ox.”

  “Are you saying that because he’s right? Or because you think something is going to happen to me?”

  Gordo didn’t answer. It spoke volumes.

  “I can take care of myself.”

  “I know,” he said.

  “That’s shit, Gordo.”

  “Yeah.” He sat down next to me, knees up against his chest.

  “And you’re going along with it.”

  “Someone has to make sure he doesn’t kill himself.”

  “And that someone is you. Because you’re pack.”

  “Looks like.”

  “By choice?”

  “I think so.”

  “There have to be others looking for him. For them. Because of what Thomas used to be. They won’t just let this go.”

  “They won’t,” Gordo agreed. “But they won’t be looking the same way we will either.”

  “How?”

  His tattoos flared. I turned away from it.

  “You mean to kill.”

  He sighed.

  “You’re okay with that?”

  “Nothing about this is okay, Ox. But Joe’s right. We can’t let this happen to anyone else. Richard wanted Thomas, but how long before he goes after another pack just to become an Alpha? How long before he amasses another following, bigger than the one before? The trail is already growing cold. We have to finish this while we still can. For everyone. This is revenge, pure and simple, but it’s coming from the right place.”

  “You honestly believe that.”

  “Maybe. Joe does. That’s enough for me.”

  We were quiet for a little while, each of us lost in our own thoughts.

  Then, “I’ll bring him back, Ox.”

  Everything hurt.

  “Can you trust me to do that?”

  I didn’t want to, but if there was anyone that could, it’d be Gordo. I told him as much.

  “Good,” he said, reaching his leg out and bumping his boot against my hip.

  “You should talk to him,” I said. “Before you go.”

  “Joe?” he asked, sounding confused.

  “Mark.”

  “Ox—”

  “What if you don’t come back? Do you really want him to think you don’t care? Because that’s fucked up, man. You know me. But sometimes, I think you forget that I know you just as well. Maybe even more.”

  “Well, shit.”

  “Yeah.”

  “When did you get so smart?”

  “Had nothing to do with you, that’s for damn sure.”

  “Then you’re going to have to do the same.”

  I frowned. “What?”

  “Talk to Joe before we go. You can’t leave it like that, Ox.”

  “I could,” I said. “Very easily.”

  “You won’t.”

  “How you figure?”

  Gordo shrugged. “You love him.”

  “He kept this from me.”

  “He knew how you’d react.”

  “That doesn’t make it right.”

  “I didn’t say it did.”

  I glared at him. “You should have told me.”

  He sighed. “Probably. Little late for that now. I’d forgotten how it’s different being in a pack. There’s free will, but it’s blended in with the wolves. He’s the Alpha. I have to listen to him.”

  “Do you trust him?”

  “Do you?”

  I shook my head. “Not to take care of himself.”

  Gordo patted my hand. “Good thing I’ll be there, then. And yeah, I think I do. He’s young. But then so was I when all this started. We have that much in common at least.”

  “Is it enough?”

  “We’ll see.”

  We were quiet for a time. Then, just because I could, I said, “So essentially, you’re now the witch for a seventeen-year-old Alpha. Good job on that one.”

  He snorted and shoved me hard. “Get the fuck outta here with that.”

  “Dick.”

  “Bitch.”

  He laughed.

  And maybe I did too. Just a little bit.

  HE LEFT.

  I waited for the wolves because I knew they’d come.

  Carter and Kelly appeared first, ears flattened on their skulls, tails drooping between their legs. They lay down far enough away that I could only just make them out in the dark, but close enough that I could hear their little pleading whines, the little huffs of air.

  When I didn’t scold them or send them away, they moved closer. And waited.

  Closer. And waited.

  It didn’t take long before they were lying pressed up against me on either side, heads resting on my chest, watching me with big eyes. Their ears twitched, listening to the sounds of the forest, but they didn’t look away.

  “I’m mad at both of you.”

  Kelly whined and pressed his nose against my chin.

  “You’re both jerks.”

  Carter huffed and put his paw on my hand.

  “You need to take care of each other,” I told them. “And him. And if it looks bad, if it looks like the fight is too big, you take him and you come running. I don’t care if he’s the Alpha. Fight it. Fight him. You drag his
ass if you have to. You get me?”

  They flashed their orange eyes at me.

  I heard them whispering in my head.

  They said things like brother and love and please don’t be mad at us please don’t hate us please don’t leave us, and I didn’t have it in me to correct them.

  I wasn’t leaving them.

  They were leaving me.

  CARTER WAS dozing.

  Kelly’s tongue was lolling out of his mouth as I scratched his ears.

  Mark and Elizabeth came then. Elizabeth was a wolf. Mark was not.

  He walked next to her, nude, shoulders hunched slightly.

  I felt Elizabeth, but it wasn’t like Carter or Kelly. It was waves of pain and grief. It was a terrible sadness. She wasn’t green. There was no relief in her. She was deep in her blue phase now, and I didn’t know if she’d come out of it.

  She lay at my feet and closed her eyes.

  It didn’t take her long to sleep.

  Mark sat next to me.

  He said, “She’s going to stay like that, I think. For a while.”

  “As a wolf?”

  “Yes.”

  “Why?”

  He said, “It’s easier to process things. We can remember most everything when we’re wolves, but it’s different. It’s baser. Complexities are harder to understand. We deal in broad strokes. We can see the shapes of things. It’s harder to be more specific. It’s her way of coping. The sadness of a wolf isn’t the same as the sadness of a human. Mostly.”

  I understood what he was saying. And I thought maybe that sounded like cheating. “I’m not a wolf,” I said.

  “No,” he said.

  “And my heart is breaking.”

  “Yes.”

  “I can’t shift it away.”

  “It’s not any easier to deal with, Ox. It just makes it easier to understand.”

  “I don’t think I understand many things,” I admitted.

  He said, “Neither do I” and “We’ll need you, you know” and “You’re very important to us.”

  “Why?”

  “Why are you important? Or why will we need you?”

  “Yes.”

  “We hurt, Ox,” he said. “Just like you. We may not understand your pain, but we feel it just the same. Everyone hurts differently. And when a pack member passes, especially when it’s the Alpha, there is this great hole that opens up like a chasm and we’re desperate to fill it. To make it disappear. Or at the very least to forget about it. Just for a little while. Whether it is to hide away in the forest at night—”