Wolfsong

  Not like this.

  Robbie took a step forward, spittle dripping down into the grass as he rumbled deep in his chest.

  Carter crouched low.

  And I said, “Stop.”

  My voice was a crack in the air.

  All the wolves stopped at once, ears flattening to the backs of their heads.

  Except Joe. His eyes grew brighter.

  Even the humans took a step back, reacting to their Alpha, eyes wide, shoulders tense.

  They waited.

  There was an order here. No matter how much I wanted to go to Joe, wanted to make sure the wounds in his neck were closing, that the red on his throat was nothing serious, I couldn’t.

  Because I had to tend to my own first.

  His eyes tracked every step I took.

  I knelt in front of Robbie.

  I cupped his face in my hands. His eyes were wide and wet. One of the wolves behind me—Carter, I thought—growled, but was cut off with a low bark from Joe.

  Elizabeth and Mark nosed along Robbie’s sides and stomach, licking at the bloody hair, while he kept his eyes on me. I tightened my grip, just slightly.

  “I know what you were doing,” I said in a low voice, though all the wolves could hear me. “But you can’t do that.”

  He whined and tried to lick my hands, but I held him still.

  “I don’t need you to fight for me,” I said. “Especially when there was no need to fight at all. Not against each other.”

  He shifted then, and I felt it under my hands, the way his bones broke and reformed, the way the hair receded, the muscles jumping. It was like I was holding a bag of writhing snakes, and I shuddered at the feel of it.

  I didn’t hold a wolf’s face in my hand. It was now a man.

  And he was furious.

  He snapped, “He was in your head. I could hear him. He had no right to—”

  “What the hell are you talking about?” I asked, dropping my hands.

  Robbie gritted his teeth and shook his head, eyes darting over my shoulder in a glare.

  “Robbie, I asked you—”

  “He’s right,” Rico said. “We could… hear him.”

  I looked back at the others. They stood nervously behind me, well away from the wolves, but ready to attack if needed. They weren’t angry like Robbie, but they were spooked.

  “What do you mean?”

  Rico glanced at Tanner, who nodded once. “Like, when we hear you. Just. You’re our alfa, okay? Big boss man. We can feel the others, we can, but not like… not clear. Not like we can hear and feel you. And Joe was… loud. Everything. It was overwhelming.”

  Elizabeth and Mark shifted too, their bodies straining.

  “I will never get used to that,” Rico muttered. “Hi, Mrs. Bennett. How lovely to see you. You’re naked. Again.”

  Elizabeth ignored him. “We could hear him too.”

  “I thought you always could,” I said. “You told me that you—”

  “Not like this. The bond between a mother and her sons is different than this.”

  I looked to Mark, who nodded.

  “Shit,” I muttered.

  “Ox,” Elizabeth said. “This isn’t forcing an issue you’re not yet ready to face. If anything, it’s reinforcing the fact that there is something between you two. That there has always been since the day you first met. That’s nothing new. You’ve known that for a very long time.”

  “It shouldn’t be like this,” Robbie said. “He’s pushing himself back onto Ox and—”

  “Robbie,” Elizabeth said. “Enough.”

  “But he can’t do that—”

  Carter and Kelly snarled at him.

  Robbie looked to me.

  I didn’t want to hurt him. Nor did I want to embarrass him any more than he probably already was. Not in front of everyone.

  “I can take care of myself,” I told him quietly.

  “I know,” he retorted. “But you shouldn’t have to. I don’t know them. I don’t know what they’ll do—”

  “I do,” I said. “I know them. I’ve known them for a very long time.”

  “Not what they’ve become,” he said. “People change, Ox. You know that. You knew them a long time ago. You don’t know what they’ve done in the last three years. Where they’ve been. What they’ve seen.”

  “Do you trust me?”

  He blinked. “Of course I do. You’re my Alpha.”

  “Then you have to trust me on this,” I said, trapping him neatly. And probably a bit unfairly.

  He took a step back, glancing between me and the other pack. Joe stood between his brothers, not making a single sound, just watching. Waiting. He was letting me handle this, but I also knew he was trying to figure out just how close the bond between Robbie and me was.

  Robbie scowled at me. “That’s not how this works.”

  “Maybe. But nothing about us is how normal things work. We’re not like everyone else. And then there’s the fact that he could have killed you.”

  “I can handle myself.”

  “He’s an Alpha, Robbie.”

  “But—”

  “Stop,” I said, my voice deepening the smallest amount.

  He flinched.

  Carter and Kelly whined.

  “Go,” I said. “All of you. Run. Robbie, stay here.”

  He groaned.

  The others left, Mark and Elizabeth shifting back into wolves. She pressed her nose against my hand before she followed Mark into the trees. Carter and Kelly waited at the tree line for Joe, who hadn’t yet moved. They glared at Robbie, daring him to make a move.

  “I’ll be right behind you,” I told Joe.

  His eyes flashed red before he turned toward his brothers and disappeared into the dark.

  “You love him,” Robbie said as soon as they were out of earshot.

  “Does it matter?” I asked. “He’s an Alpha invited here tonight and you attacked him. What the hell were you thinking?”

  “He shouldn’t have been—”

  “Robbie. That wasn’t for you to decide.”

  He looked hurt at that. “How am I supposed to protect you if you—”

  “He gave me his wolf. When he was ten years old. Did you know that?”

  Robbie made a choked noise, face slackened by shock.

  “I didn’t know what it meant. Not at the time. But he gave it to me. The day after he met me. Because he knew. And when I found out what it meant, I tried to give it back. I tried to tell him he was wrong. That he’d chosen the wrong person. That I wasn’t good enough for someone like him, someone brave and smart and kind. And he wouldn’t hear any part of it. Because I was it. He’d already decided that I was it for him.”

  “I didn’t know that,” Robbie said quietly. “Not that it went back that far.”

  “There has always been him and me,” I said. “And I think there always will be, no matter what we decide to do. Even if we’re just friends. Or allies. Or something more, there will always be him and me, because that’s what we chose.”

  “You love him,” Robbie repeated.

  I didn’t have it in me to deny it. “For a very long time,” I said, staring out to where Joe had disappeared.

  “I’m sorry,” Robbie said, sounding hurt and confused. “I shouldn’t have—”

  I held out my arm for him, and he rushed over, curling into my side, his head near my chest as he wrapped his arms around my waist, claws prickling my skin. He trembled as I dropped my arm onto his bare shoulders, running my hand through his hair.

  We were quiet for a time.

  Eventually, he sniffed. “So,” he said. “Kelly is kind of cute.”

  I tilted my head back and laughed.

  WE FOUND the packs in the forest late into the night.

  I pushed Robbie toward them. He shifted and fell on four legs. He looked back at me once and nodded before turning and trotting toward Rico and Elizabeth.

  Carter and Kelly watched him warily but didn’t make any a
ggressive movement toward him. Gordo arched an eyebrow at me. I shook my head. Nothing further needed to be said.

  Joe sat along the outside of the group, looking at his mother as she gnawed on what had been a rabbit at one point. His ears twitched as I approached, but that was all the acknowledgment I got. I didn’t think he was upset, but I could have been wrong.

  I sat next to him, leaving enough space between us that we didn’t touch.

  His throat was still red, but the blood looked tacky. The wound had healed.

  I said, “He didn’t mean it.”

  Joe huffed.

  I said, “You don’t understand how it is for him. You weren’t here.”

  Joe growled low in his throat.

  I ignored it. “He didn’t mean it. Not like you think.”

  Joe didn’t look at me.

  “Tomorrow,” I said, and this time, it was a promise.

  I didn’t say anything more.

  We watched our packs as they ran together. As they lay together. As they bickered and laughed and howled out their songs together.

  We sat there for the rest of the night.

  And I didn’t say anything as Joe moved closer to me, pressing up against my side as the sky began to lighten in the east.

  love

  I WENT into the garage later in the day so Tanner and Chris could go home and get some sleep. They blinked at me blearily before yawning and heading out toward the SUV where Elizabeth waited to take them away.

  Before I’d gotten out of the car, she’d stopped me with a hand to the arm and said, “Whatever you decide, make sure it’s the right choice for you.”

  Rico nodded at me as I entered the garage. “Gordo’s in the office,” he said quietly. “Is it weird to be surprised every time I see him here again?”

  I shrugged. “We’ll get used to it. It’s not like he’s going anywhere.”

  Rico snorted. “That’s what I would have said three years ago.”

  And yeah. That stung, because he was right. I would have said the same thing. And I didn’t know if I could trust my own words.

  Gordo was sitting behind his desk, hunting and pecking at the keyboard as he frowned at the computer screen.

  “What is this?” he growled. “None of this makes any sense.”

  “We had to upgrade to a new system while you were gone,” I said. “The old one was outdated.”

  “It wasn’t outdated. It worked just fine with what I used it for.”

  “You weren’t using it.”

  He glared up at me. “This going to be a thing now?”

  “Probably,” I said easily.

  “For how long?”

  “As long as I think it’s necessary.”

  He scowled at the monitor. “Fucking Alphas,” he muttered.

  “You okay in here?”

  “Peachy. I’ll just sit here and try to figure out how to use something that we don’t even need.”

  “Pain in my ass,” I said as I went out to the shop floor.

  RICO WAS right. It was weird to see him there.

  To see him leaning against the office door, arms across his chest, as he listened to Rico singing a song in Spanish.

  To hear him growling into the phone at a supplier, telling them they were out of their goddamn mind if they thought he was going to pay that much, he was running a business and he could go somewhere else.

  To feel his hand on the back of my neck, squeezing once as he walked by.

  It was weird.

  Good, but weird.

  “YOU WANT a ride?” he asked as we closed the garage. We waved at Rico as he drove off in his old Corolla. It was only three, but we were slow today.

  I shook my head.

  “He waiting for you?”

  “Probably.”

  “You gonna fix this?”

  “Why?”

  “Why what?”

  “Why do you care?”

  He scoffed. “Right. Why the fuck do I care. I wonder why the fuck I care about you. And Joe. And your bullshit. Huh, Ox. I don’t know.”

  “It’s good to know some things don’t change.”

  “Use your fucking head, Ox. I care about this because I care about you.”

  “Yeah, Gordo. I know.”

  “Then fix this,” he said. “We didn’t risk our lives for this long just to come back and have both of you pussy out. That’s not how these things work.”

  I couldn’t help but feel a little awed by him. “That’s different.”

  “What is?” he asked, locking the front doors.

  “Used to be, you didn’t want me in this. With them. With this.”

  He tilted his face toward the heavens as he rolled his eyes, like he was asking the Good Lord for the strength to deal with someone like me. I’d seen that look a lot in my lifetime. But coming from him, it didn’t feel like it did with others. He was my friend. Still.

  “Used to be,” he said, slightly mocking, “I hadn’t been through what I’ve been through now.”

  “You didn’t care about them before.”

  He looked pained. “Things were… different. Okay? I didn’t know then what I know now.”

  “Which is?”

  He shook his head. “It doesn’t matter. Not in the long run. And you shouldn’t be talking to me about this, Ox. You know that. He’s waiting for you. He’s been waiting for you. It’s time for you to pull your head out of your ass.”

  “Ah,” I said. “I suppose I could say the same for you, then. If things have changed. If you’ve been through shit. If you can pull your head out of your ass.”

  “Ox, I swear to—”

  “Chickenshit.”

  “Fuckhead.”

  I grinned at him.

  He reached out and cupped the back of my neck and brought our foreheads together. We kept our eyes open. He looked blurry this close up. I swore I felt little tendrils of his magic arcing along my skin, little pricks of electric light.

  We stayed like that for a moment. Then he pulled his head back and kissed my forehead, a firm press of lips. He pushed me away and stalked toward his truck. “Fix it, Ox,” he called over his shoulder. “Or end it. Let him explain to you or don’t. Just do something, because the longer you draw this out, the more I want to punch you in the face. Your ridiculous feelings are spreading through all of us and it makes me want to vomit.”

  I loved that man more than I could ever say.

  HE WAS waiting for me on the dirt road, just as I knew he would be.

  I couldn’t spit out not yet. I couldn’t walk by him and pretend he wasn’t there.

  I couldn’t pretend like my heart hadn’t been broken for a very long time.

  That I was indifferent to him standing in front of me.

  Not now. Not anymore.

  He said, “Hey, Ox.”

  I said, “Hey, Joe.”

  He smiled, but it was a trembling thing.

  I tried to smile back. I don’t know how good it was.

  He said, “Guess we have to talk.”

  I said, “Yeah. Guess we do.”

  We sounded ridiculous.

  He sighed. “Look. Hey. Just. Whatever happens. Okay. Whatever you… decide. I need you to know that I meant what I said.”

  “When you said what?”

  “Everything I’ve ever said to you. Everything, Ox.”

  My throat closed just a tad.

  “Yeah, Joe,” I said roughly. “Okay.”

  He nodded before turning and walking down the dirt road.

  I fell into step beside him.

  My hand brushed against his. I didn’t know if it was on purpose or not.

  I cursed myself for not having enough courage just to reach out and take hold of his hand. We’d done it countless times before. Before he’d—

  Just before.

  But he decided for us, since the next time we touched, he latched on, curling his fingers against my own. My thumb pressed against the pulse point in his wrist, feeling the nervous, er
ratic beat that bounced under his skin.

  I held on as tightly as I could.

  THE OLD house was empty when we arrived. The house at the end of the lane was lit up, wolves moving around inside. The humans were in their own homes. I thought maybe Robbie was out in the woods somewhere, but I couldn’t be sure. I was too overwhelmed by Joe.

  It was thoughtful, leaving us alone, but they weren’t being subtle.

  But then, I didn’t know if werewolves knew how to be subtle.

  I didn’t know if I did either, for that matter.

  He hesitated briefly, looking up at the house, and I remembered the day he was on my back, that little tornado who said he was sorry for whatever had just made me sad. He hadn’t been in the house since that night. Since Thomas and my mom died.

  I dropped his hand and he sighed as we moved up the steps to the porch.

  The door was unlocked. I pushed it open, and he followed me inside.

  His eyes flashed red as soon as he crossed the threshold, claws and teeth popping out like he had no control over them.

  He said, “Shit. Oh Jesus. It’s not. It’s not the same. It’s not like—”

  “Joe,” I said sharply, making sure I stayed a careful distance away.

  “I can smell him,” Joe snarled through a mouthful of sharp teeth. “He’s been here. He stays here. He’s in the wood. He’s in the walls. He’s—”

  It hit me then. “Robbie.”

  Joe looked over at me and I thought, for the briefest of moments, that I wouldn’t reach my crowbar in time, that regardless if I was an Alpha, I was still a human Alpha, and Joe was anything but.

  “I almost tore into him,” Joe said, taking a step toward me. “The first time I saw him. The way he stood by you. The way he touched you. He knew you. He’d known you for years. I knew that before either of us even said a word. And you were just standing there. You were just allowing it to happen. I come home and I find him… and he’s touching—”

  He was standing right in front of me, blood dripping from his hands in little drops where his claws had pierced his palms. His eyes were wide and wild, each breath sounding like it was being forcibly pushed from his chest. His words were spoken in a low growl, and he was big, so very big.

  But I wasn’t afraid of him.