Wolfsong

  “Oh boy,” Rico said. “This is so awkward to witness. We should save him. Or leave.”

  No one saved me. Or left.

  “Hi, Ox,” Jessie said. “It’s nice to meet you.” She grinned and it was a mischievous thing with a hint of teeth. My mouth went dry because her lips were pretty and so were her eyes, and I thought, Well, that’s just fine.

  “You… ah. You too?”

  “Maybe Ox can show you around school next week when you start,” Chris said.

  I dropped a socket wrench on my foot.

  JESSIE STARTED school on a Tuesday in the spring. I was awkward, unsure, even when she laughed after I told a joke I didn’t mean to tell. It was low and throaty and I thought it was one of the nicest sounds I’d ever heard.

  Carter and Kelly seemed to like her well enough, but they refused to leave my side between classes and crowded me more than usual at lunch. I suppose it must have looked odd to anyone else, seeing three big guys on one small bench while a girl sat opposite them with all the room in the world. She cocked her eyebrow at us, but Carter and Kelly refused to move and I explained to her later that’s just how they were.

  “Protective?” she asked, eyeing the two of them.

  “You could say that. Guys, come on.”

  They glared at me before glaring at her.

  She laughed at them.

  Later, she walked with me to the shop after school and I turned red when her arm brushed mine. I held the door open for her, and she called me a gentleman. I tripped over my feet at that and almost knocked her to the ground. Rico said in a very loud voice that it must be love.

  THE SUN was setting when I walked home, thoughts of pretty girls and brown hair swirling around in my head.

  Joe was waiting for me, a smile on his face. The smile faded as I got closer.

  “What is that?” he asked as I reached him.

  “What?”

  “That smell.”

  I sniffed the air around me. It smelled the same. The forest and leaves and grass and blooming flowers, all sharp and heady. I told him so.

  He shook his head. “Never mind.” The smile came back and he took my hand and we walked toward home. He told me about all he’d learned, how he couldn’t wait until he got to go to school with me and Carter and Kelly, and didn’t that tree look like a lady dancing? Did I see that rock with the crystal strip running down its side? Had I seen the commercial for that new superhero movie that we just had to go see this summer? Did I want to stay for dinner? Did I want to read comic books tonight?

  “Yes, Joe,” I said.

  Yes to it all.

  IT WAS a Thursday that I finally worked up the nerve.

  “She’s going to look at me weird and I won’t remember how to breathe!” I groaned to Carter and Kelly.

  “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to,” Kelly said.

  “But I want to.”

  “Are you sure?” Carter asked, sounding dubious. “You’re not acting like it. Maybe think on it a few more days?”

  “Or weeks,” Kelly said.

  “Or years,” Carter said.

  “Or never,” Kelly said.

  “She’s coming!” I said. I might have squeaked.

  “Hey, guys.” Jessie flashed a smile as she sat down at the lunch table.

  “Jessie.” Carter sounded bored out of his mind.

  “How nice to see you again.” Kelly didn’t sound like he meant that at all.

  They both crowded me closer. I could barely breathe.

  “Hi,” I said. “You look… swell.”

  Kelly snorted.

  “Thanks,” Jessie said.

  “So,” I said.

  They all looked at me.

  “There’s… stuff. Happening. This weekend.”

  “Is there?” Carter asked like a jerk. “What kind of stuff is happening this weekend, Ox?”

  “Things.” I kicked him under the table. He didn’t even flinch.

  “Stuff and things?” Jessie asked. “Exciting.”

  “Maybe….”

  “Maybe what?”

  “Maybe you’d want to… do? Stuff and things? With me.”

  Kelly groaned.

  Jessie grinned. “Why, Oxnard Matheson. You devil. I can’t Saturday because Chris and I have to go do some work on Mom’s estate. How about Sunday afternoon?”

  “He can’t,” Carter said.

  “I can’t?” I asked.

  “Sunday dinner,” Kelly reminded me.

  “Oh. Well. Maybe I can miss it? This once? It’s not like I can’t go next Sunday.”

  Carter and Kelly stared at me.

  “Sounds good,” Jessie said. She was blushing and I thought, Wow.

  “You have to be the one to tell Joe,” Carter said.

  “Seriously,” Kelly agreed. “I don’t even want to be in the same room.”

  “Joe?” Jessie asked.

  “Little brother,” Carter said, like it should have been obvious.

  “Ox’s best friend,” Kelly said, like it was a challenge.

  “He’s awesome,” I agreed, and I felt the first stirrings of guilt and didn’t know why.

  “Where is he?” she asked.

  “Homeschooled,” I said. “He’ll be here next year.” And I couldn’t wait.

  “How old is he?” she asked. She sounded confused.

  “Eleven.”

  “Your best friend is an eleven-year-old?”

  Carter and Kelly tensed on either side of me, coiling like spring-loaded traps.

  “That’s so sweet,” Jessie said. She smiled at the three of us.

  “Whatever,” Carter mumbled.

  “Don’t forget to tell Joe,” Kelly said.

  I FORGOT to tell Joe.

  I didn’t know why. Maybe it was work. And school. And the fact that I was going on my first date with a pretty girl. Maybe it was because I was distracted by the joyous ribbing the guys gave me at the shop when they found out (“Make sure you wrap it up, papi,” Rico said. “Chris will come after you with a shotgun if you don’t.” Chris had looked horrified and then threatened me with bodily harm if I even thought about sex in any way, shape, or form. Tanner and Gordo just laughed and laughed. Gordo seemed especially pleased by all of this).

  (Chris came in on Saturday with a box of condoms and told me never to speak of it again. I threw them in the dumpster behind the shop so Mom wouldn’t find them at home. I was mortified.)

  But I forgot to tell him.

  Jessie smiled at me when I knocked on the apartment door. Chris did his best to scowl at me, but I knew him too well. He rolled his eyes and ruffled my hair and told us to be good.

  And we were.

  She told me stories over lasagna that was too dry, like how when she was seven, she was riding a horse that got spooked by a snake. It took off with her on its back and didn’t stop for almost an hour. She didn’t ride horses anymore, but she thought snakes were okay.

  She took a drink of water that was in a wineglass, like we were adults. Like it was wine and we were adults and doing adult things. I thought her foot touched mine.

  She said, “We knew she was going. We’d known it for a long time. But when she took her last breath, it was still such a surprise that I thought I would break. It got easier, though. Much quicker than I thought it would.”

  I opened my mouth to give her a tragedy for a tragedy, to tell her about Dad walking out on us one random day, but I couldn’t find the words. Not because they weren’t there, but because I couldn’t find a reason to give them to her. She was open and kind and I didn’t know what to do with that.

  We got ice cream as the sun set.

  We walked around the park, the paths lit up with white lights.

  She reached out and held my hand and I stuttered over my words and tripped over my feet.

  It was perfect. It was so perfect.

  And then she said, “How’s Joe doing?”

  And I said, “Oh shit.”

 
I took her back home. I apologized because I had cut our first date short. She was puzzled but nice about it. She said I could make it up to her next time and my face felt hot. She laughed again and before I knew it was happening, she leaned up on her tiptoes and kissed me softly. It was sweet and kind and I hoped Joe was okay.

  “See you tomorrow?” she asked when she pulled away.

  “Yeah,” I somehow managed to say.

  She smiled at me and went inside.

  I touched my lips because they tingled and then I remembered myself.

  Home was two miles away. I didn’t have a cell phone. We couldn’t afford one.

  I ran the whole way home.

  The lights were on in the house at the end of the lane.

  The door opened even before I got to the porch.

  Thomas stood in the doorway. Carter was at his side. Both looked like they were ready to attack. Thomas took a step onto the porch. His nostrils flared, and for a moment, I thought his eyes flashed impossibly, but I told myself it had to be the light. Nothing more.

  Carter was on me in a second, rubbing his hands over my head and neck. “Are you okay?” he said, his voice deep. “Why are you so scared? What happened?”

  It was then I realized I was scared. Because I had let down my friend.

  “No one followed him,” Thomas said, stepping beside his son. I could feel the heat off both of them.

  “He’s not injured,” Carter said. He put his hands on my shoulders and looked me in the eyes. “Did someone hurt you?”

  I shook my head. “Joe,” I said. “Joe. I forgot. He—”

  “Ah,” Thomas said. “That explains it.”

  Carter dropped his hands and took a step back. Now he only looked annoyed. “You’re an asshole, Ox.”

  “Carter,” his father snapped as I recoiled. “That’s enough.”

  “But he’s—”

  “Enough.”

  With that one word, all I wanted to do was make everything better. To do whatever Thomas told me to do. And I couldn’t figure out why.

  Carter sighed. “Sorry, Ox. It’s just…. Joe, man. He’s Joe.”

  I hung my head.

  “Dad,” Carter said quietly. “Don’t you think he should know already? He’s pack.”

  “Inside,” Thomas said.

  Carter didn’t say another word. He was back up the porch and inside, shutting the door to the Bennett house.

  “Is he okay?” I asked Thomas, unable to look at him.

  “He will be,” Thomas said.

  “I didn’t mean….”

  “I know, Ox.”

  I looked up at Thomas. He wasn’t angry. He was just sad. “I’ll walk you home.”

  I thought to argue. To tell him I just wanted to see Joe for a minute, to tell him I was sorry. But his tone left no room for argument, so I just nodded and followed him, feet dragging in the dirt.

  “Is she nice?” Thomas asked.

  “Who?”

  “The girl.”

  I shrugged. “She’s okay. She seems like a good person.”

  “And you haven’t had many of those,” Thomas asked. It was not a question.

  “I do now,” I said honestly. Because I did.

  “You do,” he said. “Sometimes I forget you’re only sixteen. You’ve got an old soul, Oxnard.”

  I didn’t know if that was good or bad, so I said nothing.

  “Do you like her?”

  “I guess.”

  “Ox.”

  “Yes, I do.”

  “Good,” he said. “That’s good. Elizabeth and I met when I was seventeen. She was fifteen. There has never been another one for me.”

  “But… Joe. He’s….”

  “Joe….” He sighed. “Joe was upset. I’m not saying that to make you feel bad, Ox, so please don’t misinterpret my intent. Joe is… different. After everything that has happened to him, he can’t be anything but different.”

  “Gordo said—” I stopped myself, but the damage was done.

  Thomas cocked his head at me. “And what did Gordo say?” he asked, sounding more dangerous than I’d ever heard him.

  “That someone hurt him,” I whispered, looking down at my hands. “I didn’t let him tell me any more.”

  “Why?”

  “Because… it wasn’t his right to tell me. It’s not my right to be told anything at all. And honestly? I don’t know if I care. And not because I don’t care about him. But because I want to be his friend no matter how he needs me.” I scuffed the dirt a bit with the tip of my boot. “And I’ll be his friend as long as he lets me.”

  “Ox, look at me.”

  I did. I couldn’t stop it even if I wanted to.

  His dark eyes were bigger than I’d ever seen.

  And he spoke, his voice even and soft. Words that washed over me like a river and I couldn’t stop him, no matter how much I wanted to. No matter how hard I wished he would shut his fucking mouth.

  Joe was taken by a man who wanted to hurt Thomas and his family. The man kept him for many weeks. He hurt him. Physically. Mentally. Broke his little fingers. His little toes. His arm. His ribs. Made him cry and bleed and scream. He would call them sometimes. The bad man. He would call them and they would hear Joe in the background saying that he wanted to come home. All he wanted to do was come home.

  Eight weeks. It took them eight weeks to find Joe.

  And they did. But he wouldn’t speak.

  He knew them. His family. Mostly. He cried silently, his arms and shoulders shaking.

  But he wouldn’t speak.

  Even when his nightmares were at their worst and he would wake screaming in the night, thrashing on his bed, trying to escape the bad man, he still wouldn’t speak.

  They tried therapy. It didn’t take. Nothing would make him speak.

  “Not until you,” Thomas said.

  I must not have been a man yet, because under all that rage, a tear worked its way out and rolled down my cheek. “Who?” I asked, and that one word sounded like an earthquake.

  “A man who wanted something he couldn’t have,” Thomas said.

  “Did you kill him?”

  His eyes grew darker. “Why?”

  “Because I will if you didn’t. I will break him and make him suffer.”

  “You would?”

  “For Joe? Yes.”

  “You are so much more complex than you first appear,” Thomas said. “These layers of yours. Just when I think I’ve reached the bottom, it falls away and goes even deeper.”

  “Can I see him?”

  “Give him a couple of days, Ox.” Thomas touched my shoulder, squeezing it gently. “He’ll find you when he’s ready. And you take care of your girl. She deserves it.”

  I flushed. “She’s not my girl,” I muttered.

  “She could be.”

  “Maybe. Am I part of your pack?”

  For the first time since I’d known him, I had caught Thomas Bennett by surprise. His eyes went wide and he took a step back and said, “What?”

  “Your pack. Or whatever Carter said.”

  He said nothing and I wondered if I’d crossed a line I didn’t know existed.

  “I didn’t mean….” I trailed off, unsure how to finish.

  He said, “What do you think pack means?”

  “Family,” I said promptly.

  Thomas smiled. “Yes, Ox. You are part of my pack.”

  CARTER AND Kelly weren’t at school the next day. I worried. Usually, I rode with them. But they weren’t there in the morning and I was almost late after Mom gave me a ride.

  “I’m sure it’s fine,” Jessie said, squeezing my hand while we sat at lunch. I did my best to smile at her as she talked. About how she liked Green Creek more than she thought she would. About how she couldn’t wait for summer. About how she missed her mom. She wondered how long it would hurt and I told her I didn’t know, even though I wanted to say it would probably hurt forever.

  She kissed me on the cheek before I we
nt to work.

  THE GUYS gave me shit at the shop. Chris said Jessie had gotten home the night before and was all swoony.

  “Ox is so dreamy,” he breathed in a high falsetto. “His eyes and his smile and his laugh. O. M. G!”

  I blushed furiously and tried to focus on an oil change.

  “Look at him!” Rico said gleefully. “He’s like a tomato!”

  “Our precious baby boy is growing up,” Tanner sighed.

  I said, “Where’s Gordo?” His office was dark.

  “Day off,” Rico said. “Had some business to take care of.”

  “What business?” I didn’t remember him saying anything. He never took Mondays off.

  “Don’t you worry your pretty little head about it,” Tanner said. “You just worry about trying to impress your girlfriend.”

  “She’s not my girlfriend!”

  “Yeah,” Chris said. “Try telling her that.”

  JOE WASN’T waiting for me on the dirt road. The house at the end of the lane was dark, like no one was home. I thought about knocking on the door, but I went home instead. In my room, the stone wolf sat on a shelf. I held it and realized that Thomas had never answered me about the bad man who had hurt Joe. If he was still alive.

  A HORN honked outside the house the next morning. Carter and Kelly waited in the car. I was nervous.

  “Hey, Ox,” they said when I got in the front seat. Kelly sat behind me.

  “Hey,” I said back. I wrung my hands together.

  “He’s okay,” Carter said as we bumped down the dirt road.

  I let out a breath. “You sure?”

  “He will be.”

  Kelly said, “We’ll make sure of it.”

  And I said, “Your dad says I’m part of your pack,” because I wanted to make sure they thought so too.

  Carter hit the brakes suddenly. The seat belt pulled against my chest. Kelly’s arms came around my front, clasping tightly. Carter leaned over and rubbed his forehead against my shoulder. “Of course you are,” he said and Kelly hummed his agreement, arms tightening.

  We didn’t say much after that and that was okay.

  CARTER LAUGHED at something Jessie said. Even Kelly smiled. I was in a daze.