Tainted Heartbreak

  Kin came into the kitchen just as I was taking a hungry bite of my sandwich. “Cravings are a bitch.”

  “What?” I squeaked around my overly stuffed mouth.

  She smirked at me as she pulled out the jug of freshly made sweet tea and poured herself a glass. “Lucy is well into her pregnancy. You have the same glow about you as she does. And extra pickles on your ham sandwich with Hershey’s chocolate sauce instead of mayo or mustard is something she seems to be fond of right now too.”

  I glared down at the chocolate sauce. “Why the hell does it taste so good?”

  “I have no clue, girl. But I’m not about to experiment with it to find out for you.” She took a thirsty swallow of her drink. “You’re not too far along, though, right? I mean, Lucy is seven-ish months and already knows what she’s having. You don’t even have the telltale baby bump yet.”

  “Two months,” I admitted before taking another bite of my sandwich. Picking up the chocolate sauce, I drizzled it over my sea salt chips and stuffed one into my mouth. “I just recently found out.”

  She leaned on the island beside me, a thoughtful expression on her beautiful face. “What did Cash say when you told him?”

  “Let’s just say his reaction left me a little wounded.” I stuffed more chips into my mouth so I wouldn’t have to tell her the rest of it.

  She blinked at me in surprise. “Really?” I nodded somberly. “Huh. I didn’t expect that from him.”

  “Do you know him well?”

  “About as well as anyone could know Cash Mathias.” The sound of his last name made me stiffen, but from the way Kin was watching me, I suspected she was looking for my reaction. “So you do know. I was curious. I mean, he doesn’t talk about his name change to anyone that I know of. The guys all know, yeah, and Aunt Emmie, but he’s always wanted to keep his personal life separate from his family.”

  “Y-you know his family?”

  She shrugged. “I’ve met them once or twice. Cash is my stepbrother’s best friend.”

  “Caleb?” She nodded. I knew the name but not the guy. Cash told me about his best friend, but Caleb lived in Virginia, so they didn’t see each other often.

  “We grew up together. Caleb had Cash’s back in high school. Didn’t care that his father was some hotshot politician who spent more time in DC than at home with his family. His grandmother more or less raised him.” She made a sour face. “That old lady scares the hell out of me. She has this ability to look right through you and find your biggest weakness so she can exploit it to get exactly what she wants.”

  “Yeah, I noticed that about her, and I haven’t even met her.” I pushed my plate of barely touched food away. Thinking of Cash’s Gigi had completely killed any appetite I had. It seemed not even the baby liked that old woman.

  “Damn,” Kin muttered regretfully. “I didn’t mean for you to get upset.”

  “Cash was dating one of my best friends behind my back for his grandmother.” Her eyes widened in surprise. “While we were supposed to be exclusive.”

  “Okay, first, I’m just surprised that Cash wanted to be exclusive with anyone. He’s kind of a player, so the fact that he had a steady girlfriend is kind of mind-boggling.”

  “And second?”

  Kin grimaced. “I’m not all that surprised that he would do something like that if Doris Mathias was behind his actions. He has a weak spot for her.”

  “That weak spot is probably considerably bigger now that she’s dying of lung cancer.” I grabbed my bottle of water and took a small sip, trying to calm my now-tossing stomach.

  “Hell. That’s got to be rough on him. I wonder if Caleb knows since he hasn’t mentioned it to me.”

  It was rough for Cash. Every time he mentioned his grandmother, I could see the pain in his eyes. He loved her and didn’t want to lose her. My heart ached just thinking of the pain he would be in once she was gone. I wanted to be beside him when that happened, just as he was beside me when I lost Dad.

  But if he couldn’t accept the baby, then that wasn’t going to be possible. Unlike my own mother, I wasn’t going to let anyone come before my child. Especially not some guy who didn’t want my baby in his life.

  Chapter 20

  Cash

  The noise in First Bass was enough to rupture a person’s eardrums. The new band that had taken the Blonde Bombshells’ place for the weekly shows every Thursday night was rocking the club, bringing in just as big of a crowd as the all-girl band used to. Harris Cutter had a knack for finding the perfect bands to sign for exclusive contracts. Being the son of rock legend Devlin Cutter had given him the ability to spot talent from a mile away. A talent he used to bring the masses to his club every week, the only place on earth to see the bands he found.

  Tainted Knights had been the first band ever to play exclusively for First Bass, and we’d gotten a contract with Emmie Armstrong the very first show. The Bombshells hadn’t been provided that same luxury, but Harris had extended their contract by another year just because they brought in a crowd that sent his net worth skyrocketing. Hearts of Stone was only continuing that rise for him, making First Bass the most sought-after place to get into in the state.

  I moved through the crowd to get to the bar and ordered a beer from Nate, the bartender/assistant manager who had been working there since the place opened. I got a smooth nod as he continued to mix drinks for the slutty chicks in front of him, and I turned to see if I could spot anyone I knew.

  At the banister that overlooked the stage below, Gray had his arms around Kassa. His lips seemed permanently attached to her neck as she leaned back into him. The butterfly-shaped diamond on her left hand glittered in the overhead lighting as she lifted her hand to hug him closer to her.

  Nate put my beer in front of me. I tossed him a few bills and, without a word, headed through the crowd. As I was about to join Kassa and Gray, someone caught my attention out of the corner of my eye. Turning, I met Riley’s gaze as she sat with the Bombshells, Sin, Kale, and Santana.

  She glared at me for a second then her shoulders seemed to droop, and she lifted her hand in an almost shy wave. Shyness and Riley weren’t words that went together. Curious about why she would be feeling like that—and dying for any possible news she might have concerning Amara—I changed direction.

  This far from the stage, the noise was considerably less, and Sin tore into me as soon as I reached them. “Where the fuck have you been lately? People have been wondering if you died or some shit.”

  I shrugged. “Haven’t felt like going out, man.”

  “At least text someone every few days and let them know you’re still breathing, fucker.”

  I glanced around for a place to sit. There was nowhere free, but Sin pulled Roanna onto his lap, and Aubree moved to sit on the arm of the leather couch beside them. Riley stayed where she was beside Sin, and I dropped down beside her.

  “Hey,” she muttered.

  “Hey, how have you been?”

  She lifted a shoulder in a shrug. “My new roommate comes and goes all day long, so I don’t see her very much. With Amara gone, it’s been lonely.”

  “How is she?” How is the baby? I wanted to ask that question too, but it got stuck in my throat. It had been almost six weeks since I last saw Amara, six weeks of pure hell not being able to talk to her or know what she was doing. If she was sick or hurting or missing me like I was missing her.

  “She seems okay from the few times we’ve Skyped. She texts me every day, though, just to check in.”

  “Good,” I muttered through a dry throat. “That’s good. I’m glad.”

  “How about you? You been doing any soul-searching like she wants you to?” Her eyes were studying me closely, but I didn’t try to look away. I wanted her to see how big of a fucking mess I really was without Amara. I’d fucked up, not once but twice. The Lindsey thing I was sure she could forgive me for, but what I said when she told me about the baby was a different story.

  “I don’t know wha
t she wants from me, Riley,” I told her honestly. “I don’t know, and she wouldn’t tell me. How am I supposed to know how to fix this if she won’t even talk to me?”

  She bit her lip as she continued to watch me for a few moments. When she opened her mouth, I thought she was going to take pity on me and explain it all to me. “I don’t think talking right now will help anything. She doesn’t want to force you into this, Cash. This is something you have to decide on your own. She can’t tell you how to feel or what to decide.”

  “Then how the hell am I supposed to know the right thing to do here?” I snapped in frustration.

  She patted me on the arm. “No one can tell you, my friend. This is something that only you can figure out. You either want your baby or you don’t. It’s not rocket science, dummy.”

  “I want Amara,” I told her honestly. “I feel like I’m not even alive right now because she’s not with me. I’m just a walking corpse.”

  “Amara comes as a package deal now. You want her, you have to want the baby as well. That’s what she wants you to decide, Cash.”

  “What are you two whispering about over there?” Kale complained as he tucked Santana closer against his chest. “And where the hell is Amara? I haven’t seen her in forever.”

  “Amara is working. She’s traveling for Emmie right now,” Riley told him honestly without mentioning anything else. “Not really sure when she’s going to be back.”

  “Ah, is that why Cash has been hiding? Can’t function without the girl?” Kale smirked knowingly. “What was that about me being whipped? Cash Graves couldn’t possibly be pussy-whipped too.”

  I tuned him and the others out as I contemplated what Riley said. It seemed easy enough. Step up and be a dad, or lose Amara forever. But just thinking about being responsible for a baby, something helpless and completely reliant on me, was enough to make panic choke me.

  I sat there in silence, forgetting about my beer and not hearing a single word anyone said to me, as I tried to figure out what the fuck I was going to do.

  --

  I woke up covered in sweat the next morning. My heart pounding, I blindly reached for Amara. Finding her side of the bed cold and empty, I snapped my eyes open. She was gone. I hadn’t been able to touch her in nearly two months. Sucking in a deep breath, I muttered a curse and sat up in bed.

  I was no closer to an answer today than I was the night before. Honestly, I didn’t even know where to begin to find the right answer. I had no one to ask about this shit, not when my own father was a total bastard and wouldn’t have answered my call even if I’d tried to speak to him.

  Grimacing, I grabbed my phone and sent a text to Harris. He was just a few short months away from being a dad himself. Hopefully he would have some advice for me. At the last minute, I shot Gray one as well. Kassa lost her baby, but Gray had been just as torn up over it as she had. Maybe he could help me figure this out too.

  After a shower and a cup of coffee, I grabbed my keys and headed out to meet both of them for lunch. Gray was already waiting, but so was Kassa. I nearly groaned when I dropped into the seat across from them. I didn’t want to bring up the baby and make her cry, something she used to do at the drop of a hat right after miscarrying.

  “What’s up with you?” Gray growled as he watched me closely. “You completely zoned out last night, and now you’re staring at Kassa like she’s got three heads. Calm the fuck down, dude.”

  I pushed my hair back from my face, irritated by just the feel of it on my forehead. “I’ve got a lot on my mind,” I told him honestly.

  “Damn, man. Sorry I’m late.” Harris dropped down into the chair beside me, looking tired and harassed. “Lu had a craving at like three thirty this morning, and I had to drive around for an hour to find what she wanted.”

  “Aww,” Kassa gushed. “You’re such a good husband.”

  Harris winked at her before looking at me. “What’s up, man? You don’t normally call me, so it’s gotta be something major. Lucy was worried about you when I told her I was meeting you for lunch to talk.”

  Gray’s and Kassa’s focus landed on me, too, all three pairs of their eyes drilling into me now. I scrubbed my hands over my face in frustration. “Amara is pregnant,” I blurted out.

  “Damn,” Harris and Gray said at the same time.

  “Is she doing okay?” Kassa asked with concern. “We haven’t seen her in months it feels like.”

  “I honestly don’t know how she or the baby are doing,” I muttered, shame burning in my gut. “I kind of reacted badly when she told me she was pregnant. Before she left for fuck knows where for this job for Emmie, she told me to use the time apart to figure out if I was ready to be a dad. Because if I’m not, she didn’t want me in her or the baby’s lives.”

  “So you want our advice?” Harris guessed.

  “I don’t know what kind of advice I can give you, bro,” Gray said with a sad shrug. “I don’t have any experience to offer.”

  “How did you react when you found out about Kassa being pregnant?”

  He grimaced. “I found out when she was being rushed into the OR for emergency surgery. But it broke my heart, man. Finding out I was about to lose the little person we created was devastating.”

  Kassa touched his arm lovingly. “Yeah, it really was. But…”

  “But?” Gray and I asked in unison.

  “Gray wasn’t exactly thrilled when he realized we hadn’t used protection that first night. He freaked out.” She gave me an understanding smile. “I think it’s normal for some guys to take the idea of fatherhood badly at first. Especially if they didn’t have much of a male role model growing up.”

  “When Lucy told me she was pregnant, I was pretty ecstatic,” Harris said with a thoughtful look on his face. “We’d talked about kids before, so I knew I was ready to be a dad when she told me the news. But I’ll be honest, Cash. There are times when I’m terrified of the idea of being a dad. This little person we created is going to be my responsibility for the rest of her life. I’m scared shitless that I’m going to fuck that up somehow.”

  “Do you want to be a dad?” Gray asked the real question I was struggling with. “I’m not asking if you’re ready, because you can prepare for that shit for years and still not be completely ready when it’s time. I’m asking if you want a kid, Cash.”

  I clenched my jaw, still unable to answer that question.

  My silence had all three of them nodding, but it was my bandbrother who spoke. “Being a dad isn’t for everyone. Lord knows my own piece-of-shit father never should have been one. If you don’t want the kid, then it’s better to figure that out now than further down the road.”

  “But if I want to be with Amara, then I have to accept the baby too.”

  “Of course, you do, dumbass,” Kassa exploded. “You can’t expect her to pick you over her own child. And only a total piece of shit would want her to.”

  “You’re right,” I groaned. “I’m fucking up left and right. I want to try. I want to give Amara the world, and if that means taking on fatherhood at the same time, then so be it.”

  “Good luck, man. If you need anything, just let me know,” Harris offered. “Lu and I will help any way we can.”

  “Yeah, Cash. We’re behind you,” Kassa assured me. “As long as you and Amara work together on this, you’re going to be fine.”

  Hours later, as I sat on my couch channel-surfing and sending one text after another to Amara—which she continued to ignore—I was still replaying everything my friends had said at lunch. Fatherhood was going to be scary, but I could do this as long as I had Amara beside me. I could take care of her and our baby and love it just as much as I loved her.

  Which, I realized with such a suddenness it was like being struck by lightning, was all my dreamer was really asking of me.

  To love our baby.

  The more I thought about it, the more my chest swelled. I did love our baby. It was a part of the two of us—how could I not love him
or her?

  Heart pounding, I lifted my phone to my ear. “You busy?” I asked Riley when she picked up.

  “I’m just getting off work. Why? What’s wrong?” Concern darkened her voice. “Did you hear from Amara?”

  “No. She’s still ignoring me. But I’ve been giving what you said last night some thought. You think you could come over and help me with something?”

  “Yeah, sure. I’m coming now. But I expect dinner. Amara would want you to feed her best friend.”

  I grinned, something I hadn’t done in weeks. Now that I had everything figured out, I felt carefree. “You got it. See you soon.”

  Chapter 21

  Amara

  The plane touched down at LAX a little past two on a Thursday afternoon. After I’d spent just over two months alone in the backwoods with Kin Montez, she was ready to face the rest of the world. I was just thankful to finally see civilization again. To see and hear people laughing, arguing—breathing. Being shut off from the world with no one to talk to but a moody, depressed chick who was mad at the world and her ex had frazzled my nerves.

  But even as I was climbing the walls, wishing for someone to talk to during the times when Kin was locked in her room writing, the time alone was good for me. It helped me put all the things that seemed impossible to sort out into perspective.

  I missed Cash like crazy. Once I looked at it from all sides, I could admit to myself that I still trusted him. He loved me. Time and time again, he showed me just how much he loved me. I wanted to work things out with him; I wanted the future I could imagine us having together. And after talking to my temporary OB-GYN who I saw during my two-month imprisonment with Kin, I knew that guys tended to be terrified when confronted with fatherhood. They did and said stupid shit when told they were going to be daddies. I sure as hell hoped so, because I was putting faith in Cash being able to step up and be the father our baby needed.