Forever Lucy

  “Yeah, babe. It is.”

  “No, it’s not about her not confiding in me. She didn’t tell anyone. It’s me.”

  “Of course it is,” Lana scoffed. “It always is these days.”

  “No! That’s not what I meant. What I’m saying is that it wasn’t about her not confiding in me, although I’ll admit that stung more than I ever thought it would. Hell, no one ever prepares you to hear that your child has been hurting herself to cope with the noise in her head.” Layla blew out a hard breath. “No, it’s me that I’m upset with. It’s me I can’t get over. I’m her mother, damn it. It’s my job to protect her, and I didn’t even suspect. And now, I don’t trust myself to see the important things, the private things kids hide from their parents but secretly wish they saw. The silent cries for help. I watch Luca and Lyric like hawks now, and every facial expression they make, I wonder if they’re fighting some inner demon that will take them away from me.”

  “I get that.” Harper’s soft voice spoke up for the first time. “I seriously get that on every level, Layla. You don’t think this has affected the rest of us deeply? We are all watching our babies a little closer now because of it. But in the process, you completely isolated your daughter.”

  “I get it too,” Nat assured her. “I saw how it affected you guys. I see what it’s done to Harris, and I’ve been watching Trinity closely too. But I didn’t see how you were with Lucy until we started planning the wedding for them. You don’t even ask her how she is, Layla. And I’ve turned a blind eye to the hurt that fills her eyes every time we’re all together and the only thing you can find to talk to her about is all the wedding preparations.”

  “I-I thought if I could just give her the perfect wedding, I could show her how much I love her.” Layla tried to explain, but that didn’t ease any of the anger that was now boiling inside me at her. “I’ve been so focused on making sure every last aspect is perfect that I guess I haven’t taken into account what she really wants. Or how much I’ve continued to hurt her.”

  “We can fix this,” Emmie said after a short pause. “Nothing is set in stone. I can sort this out and turn it all around. We can give her the wedding she really wants, Lay. But I think the bigger issue is how are you going to fix what you’ve broken between you and Lucy?”

  “Oh, gods,” she sobbed. “I don’t even know where to begin.”

  The sound of those sobs stabbed at me, and I quickly moved away from the door. I had to find Lucy and get her the fuck out of there. I felt stupid for not having seen what was going on with her up until now, and even then, I’d had to have it spelled out so forcefully.

  Fuck Layla and the rest of them.

  I would fix all this shit—and take care of my girl.

  The only thing that mattered was Lucy.

  As I headed for the stairs, thinking she had gone up to play with the kids again, I heard Drake’s voice at the front door and quickly opened it. Sure enough, Drake was out there with Lucy right beside him. I didn’t know what had happened between dinner and now, but she looked pale and her eyes were bloodshot.

  Everything inside of me stilled, and I felt the blood drain from my face as everything I just overhead replayed in my head.

  Do you know how scared I am that one day I’ll get that call, and she will have given in to that need and gone too far?

  She had been fighting that urge even more than I realized, and I’d been blind to it all. She hadn’t said a word, hadn’t confided a single thing in me lately. I had been living in a fool’s paradise, letting myself believe that as long as she wasn’t saying anything was wrong, then she really was okay.

  Fuck, I’m an idiot.

  My gaze went back to Drake, and a shot of jealousy hit me dead center in the stomach. She had been confiding in Drake. He was who she ran to when things got too much and she was ready to give in to the whispered promise of pain.

  I was glad he was there for her. I was thankful she was at least talking to someone, but I wanted that person to be me. Selfishly, I wanted her to come to me when something was wrong.

  I wanted to be her hero who fixed everything that went wrong for her.

  And I wanted her to trust me enough to tell me everything. I swallowed all the questions overhearing the women in the kitchen had left unanswered and waited for her to confide in me. “You disappeared on me, sweetness. Everything okay?”

  I could physically feel the tension that engulfed her. Drake gave her shoulders a squeeze, and she blew out a sigh before turning to give him a hug. Facing me again, she took my hand. Her fingers trembled, and I tightened mine around hers, telling her without words I would never let her go. “Can we go home?” she asked in a weak voice.

  “Sure. Just let me tell Dad—”

  “No!” She leaned into me, pressing her forehead to my chest, and I realized it wasn’t just her fingers that were trembling but her entire body. “We can talk to them later. Please? I want to talk to you about something.”

  My throat hurt as I swallowed the lump that filled it. I clutched her to me like the lifeline she was for me and kissed the top of her head. “Yeah, let’s go.” I released her long enough to grab our coats and then pulled her toward the car.

  “Bye, Drake,” she called once she was in the passenger seat. “Tell Dad I love him.”

  I didn’t even hear his reply as I started the car and pulled away from the house. It was my hands that were shaking now, and I tightened them around the steering wheel as I kept telling my foot not to press harder on the gas pedal. I had to get us home in one piece before we could finally talk.

  Lucy seemed to understand that too, because she sat quietly in her seat. Her face was turned away from me, her eyes looking out the side window, but I could see her reflection in the glass. Her eyes were unseeing. She was lost in her head. When I linked our fingers and placed our hands on the shifter, she didn’t even blink.

  I parked the car in the garage and went around to open her door. It took her a second to realize where we were, and she hastily took my hand. As we stepped into the elevator, I saw her chin begin to tremble, but she clenched her jaw and leaned against me. “I love you,” she whispered.

  I closed my eyes and leaned back against the elevator wall. “I love you too, Lu. Always. Whatever you want to talk about, just know that I will move heaven and earth to make you happy. Nothing matters to me but you. Fuck everyone else.”

  “You say that now…” She trailed off with a sigh, and for the first time, I had to take a mental step back and look at my own behavior over the last few months.

  Maybe she hadn’t talked to me about what was going on because I hadn’t made her feel like she mattered enough. Maybe she didn’t think I would put her first when it came to our wedding.

  Fuck.

  What the hell had I been doing to make her think that shit?

  Between Layla and Nat, they made me feel like I didn’t have a place in planning the wedding. As if putting a ring on Lucy’s finger and saying “I do” were the only things they needed me for on the day. And I’d let myself be pushed out of all the decision-making because I had honestly thought that was what Lucy wanted. Now I was seeing things from a clearer point of view, and I realized I’d let Lucy down.

  It seemed like most of the residents of the building were out celebrating the holiday with friends and family because we made no stops along the way, and I was glad Marcus had the entire week off. I needed to be completely alone with Lucy for this conversation.

  In our living room, Lucy took off her coat and tossed it on the back of the couch beside my own. She twisted her fingers together, her teeth sinking into her bottom lip as she stood beside the couch and stared off into space.

  “I overheard the moms talking in the kitchen,” I confessed when she didn’t speak for several minutes.

  Her head snapped around, her eyes wide and uneasy. “Wh-what did you hear?”

  “I don’t fucking know. I’m still trying to process it all.” I took her hands, realized
they were ice-cold, and pulled her down onto the couch with me. I pushed her hands underneath my shirt, pressing her palms right over my heart to warm them. Holding them there with one hand, I used the other to tip her chin up so our gazes met. “Listen to me. Open your ears and your eyes, Lu. I don’t want to have to repeat what I’m about to say—but if you ever need me to, I will.”

  “I’m sorry,” she whispered, her eyes closing to block me out.

  “I don’t want to hear that. You have nothing to feel sorry about. Now, just look at me, and listen to me.” After a small hesitation, she finally opened her beautiful brown eyes. Tears glazed them, making them brighter, but she didn’t let a single one spill free. “Whatever you have to tell me, no matter what or who it’s about, you are my first priority. Not the moms or the wedding, or whatever the fuck else you might think I won’t understand, or whatever other shit is going on right now. You are all that matters. You will always be the only one who matters. The entire world can go to hell for all I care, because as long as you love me, nothing else fucking matters.”

  “But, Harris,” she tried to appeal with a whisper, but I cut her off with a hard kiss to her lips.

  “Nothing. No one. Only you.” I lifted my head, the look in my eyes willing her to understand. To trust me. “Only ever you, sweetness.”

  She sucked in a shaky breath. “I’m not happy.”

  There weren’t very many words that scared me, but hearing those three from her delicious lips after everything I’d heard back at Lana’s terrified me. It was my job in life to make her happy. To make sure she had more reasons to smile than to cry. To protect her happiness at all costs. And I hadn’t fucking been doing that. I swallowed my fear, though. Inside, I was a quaking mess, but outside, I didn’t let her see just how close to begging her not to leave me I really was. “What aren’t you happy about, Lu?”

  She nibbled her lip again, and I could see her struggling with where to start. That she needed to take the time to find the beginning point killed me. How had I not seen this coming?

  “This wedding isn’t what I want.”

  “You…don’t want to marry me?” My voice cracked, and I struggled to keep my fear leashed.

  Her eyes widened at my question, and instantly, she started shaking her head. “No! That’s not what I mean. I want to marry you. I’ve dreamed of marrying you.” She cupped my face in both her hands, a single tear spilling from her eyes. “I want to be your wife, Harris. I want that more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life.”

  Some of the tightness in my throat eased. “Well, thank fuck for that,” I groaned and pressed my forehead against hers. I was shaking so badly I felt like I was going to launch her off the couch, so I held on to her tighter than I ever had before. “I had this vision of you leaving me, Lucy. Don’t do that to me. Whatever is going on, just please don’t leave me.”

  “I wouldn’t. I can’t. I need you too much to walk away from you.”

  Slowly, the worst of the shaking stopped. I sat back into the corner of the couch and arranged her on my lap. She placed her hand over my heart again, her eyes wet as she prepared herself for the talk that was long overdue.

  “Mom and Nat are spending way too much money on our wedding. That monstrous cake isn’t even the tip of the iceberg.”

  I brushed a curl back from her face, trying to relax a little after the mini heart attack she had just given me. “Whatever they’re doing that you don’t like, I’ll fix. Tell me what you want, what you don’t want. Whatever, Lucy. I’ll handle it.”

  “I don’t want you to take everything on alone. That’s not why I’m telling you this now.” She sighed heavily. “I just want something we can both be happy with. Something that isn’t trying to compete with the damn Kardashians. I want us to work together. Our marriage is going to be a partnership, right?” I nodded emphatically. “Well, I want us to handle the wedding the same way. Together.”

  “Then we will,” I promised. “Just tell me what the hell has been going on with the moms. Why aren’t you happy, specifically? Because when Nat calls, which she will, I need to know what to yell at her about.”

  Another heavy sigh. “I don’t want you to yell at anyone. Knowing Lana, she did enough of that earlier.”

  My eyes narrowed. “Maybe she did. I don’t really care. And don’t think I’m not going to do a little yelling, sweetness. Because Nat should have known better. Fuck, they all should have. Especially the moms.”

  She gave me a little pout, but I only sent her an imploring look and waited. Grimacing, she tossed her head back and glared at the ceiling for a long moment. “This is supposed to be our special day. I should be having fun, but I’m not. I’m miserable, babe. I want something a hell of a lot smaller than what Mom and Nat are planning right now. If you hadn’t put your foot down, the guest list would have already exceeded fifteen hundred people. I want a guest list that doesn’t include more than just the most important people in our lives and a cake that won’t easily feed an entire state and cost more than my damn wedding dress. I want to wake up in the mornings and not dread the sound of my phone going off. I want this to be our wedding, not theirs. Because there have been times when I thought Nat and Mom were planning their own weddings instead of ours. The reception is more like some circus show with them wanting to release birds and bubbles and butterflies. It’s costing our dads millions of dollars. I love you so much, and I know you love me, but why do we have to spend all that money to prove it?”

  “I didn’t know they were spending that kind of money on everything,” I muttered. “We can pay for everything. Don’t worry about that. We can afford our own wedding. And if we’re footing the bill, then they don’t get to say a goddamn word about any aspect of it.”

  “I would really like that.” She sounded more than a little relieved about it. “Mom was getting ridiculous with everything. She wanted to hire an entire fleet of limos to take guests from the church to the reception.”

  “Why not just use buses?”

  “That’s what I said!” she said with a weak little laugh. We smiled at each other for a long moment before sadness filled her face and tears leaked from her eyes. “But more than anything, I-I want my mom to care again.”

  “Of course she cares about you.” After everything I’d heard, as pissed as I’d been with Layla, I still knew she loved her daughter. “Why do you think she doesn’t?”

  “She doesn’t talk to me anymore,” she whispered in a choked voice. “She talks at me, and the only things she does say are about the wedding. It’s like I’m not important enough for her to stop for five seconds and ask how I’m feeling.”

  A sob shook her shoulders, and I tucked her head under my chin. “I’m sorry, sweetness. I had no idea what was going on with you and Layla.”

  “I-I tried to pretend it didn’t bother me. I thought that by l-letting her plan the wedding, she would f-finally really see me again. That we could bond and get back to the way things were…before.”

  “I overheard some of this from her, Lu.” She lifted her head, a frown wrinkling her brow as she wiped at her wet eyes.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Lana was tearing into her about how she’s been treating you. Something I didn’t even know about, by the way. But your sister was making sure Layla knew she had seen it and wasn’t going to stand for it anymore. Then the others started in on her too. Your mom… She didn’t do it because she’s mad at you, but at herself.”

  “Then why is she taking it out on me?” she breathed, her face so pale her lips were bloodless. “Why is she punishing me if she’s mad at herself?”

  I pressed my lips to her cheek. “I don’t know, Lu. I wish I did, but I don’t.”

  “It hurts, Harris,” she clenched her eyes shut and dropped her head onto my shoulder. “It hurts so much.”

  Tears stung my eyes at the pain I heard in her voice. I touched my lips to the top of her head. “I’m sorry, sweetness.”

  We sat there for a lo
ng while. I held her while she cried, kissed away her tears when they began to drown her, and whispered how much I loved her until the tears slowed and she grew sleepy. Shifting her on my lap, I wiped the last of the tears from her cheeks.

  “I’m sorry I let you down, Lu.”

  The wrinkled brow returned. “You haven’t.”

  I brushed a soft kiss over her lips, but I shook my head as I lifted it. “Yeah, I have. I let the moms push me out of helping with all these plans. I let things get out of control when I should have been helping you from day one. I’m mad as fuck at Nat right now, but I’m to blame for all this craziness too.”

  “I-I just thought you didn’t want to help…”

  “I’m sorry I let you believe that. The truth is, I was a little hurt you didn’t want me to be a part of the planning,” I confessed.

  “But that’s not true!”

  I kissed her again, this time a little deeper. “I realize that now. Actually, I feel really stupid and selfish that I haven’t realized how miserable you’ve been lately. I’m so sorry, sweetness. Can you forgive me?”

  “There’s nothing to forgive you for. I’m the one who should be apologizing. I’m sorry for not talking to you about all of this, babe. My communication skills have seriously sucked lately. But I’ll try to do better.”

  “We’ll both do better.” I stretched us out on the couch. She lay back, and I stayed on my side so I could look down at her. Her eyes were heavy. Unloading everything had been exhausting, but she was already less tense than she had been. I traced my fingertips over her brow. “You know, we could just say fuck all this and get hitched in Vegas. Both your parents and mine went that route.”

  A genuine smile teased at her lips. “That’s what Drake was saying earlier. And I’ll admit, the idea has crossed my mind a handful of times over the last few weeks.”

  “But?”

  “But I want a real wedding. With the people we love there to witness us exchanging vows. And I really want my dad to walk me down the aisle.”

  I kissed the tip of her nose. “I can make both of those things happen. Tell me what you want, sweetness. You want the moon? I’ll find a way to give it to you.”