Slow to Grow

  Chapter 12 (junior year)

  When Lloyd had begun college he had entertained hopes of entering the Journalism school in his Junior year. It would be his pathway to an illustrious career in sports broadcasting. Unfortunately his grades had conspired against him and forced him to enter the less dazzling Liberal Arts Program and it=s vaunted Radio/TV/Film major. Which ended up entailing one tv class, zero radio classes, and a bunch on the history of film. None of which came in handy. It also wasn=t until his Junior year that he figured out how to volunteer for the campus radio station, where he had his own Monday afternoon slot delivering sportscasts at the top of the hour. Lloyd had also begun doing play by play for the school=s athletic teams. The head of the sports broadcasting team was an old guy who made racist comments about the black players on the Royals and most likely eyed Kulligan like the Christ killer he no doubt was. Lloyd wasn=t counting on a reference.

  Mark and Lloyd both pictured themselves becoming famous someday, Mark for his Oscar and Tony winning acting career, and Lloyd for his Pulitzer tinged sports commentary. For fun, they would conduct mock interviews with each other.

  Lloyd: So Mark, how do you feel being the first openly gay performer in a mainstream movie. Do you think audiences will buy you as a love interest to Meg Ryan?

  Mark: Well, first off I am not gay, so I don=t really think that should prove any sort of impediment and...

  Lloyd: Really? You sure look and act that way. Color me shocked. Or are you acting right now, a true sign of a great actor. It=s ok if you are, you should just admit it to yourself.

  Mark: No, no, not a homo, how about yourself, Lloyd Kulligan, A jew in sports broadcasting. How novel. Not good enough to play, yet live vicariously through the athletes. Try not to steal any jock straps.

  Lloyd: Not at all, I enjoy sports and really don=t appreciate some acting fag who thinks hitting for the cycle has something to do with menstruation.

  They were both going to hit it big.

  In case you may have forgotten, Lloyd was almost 20, and still pure as the driven snow. More than halfway through college and nothing to show for it, except extreme callouses on both hands and a penis more whipped than Jesus on the cross. (It was the Jews!).

  One night, they were at a bar and Lloyd was drinking more than normal, and Mark was flirting with his usual share of women flocked around him. Well for some reason Lloyd was deluded enough to think that one of the girls was attracted to him and he gave himself a peptalk in the bathroom. He was going to put the Amoves@ on her. What moves that meant, he had no clue. Maybe touch her back as she walked by? Smile at her? Whatever it was, it was happening that night. He came out of the bathroom ready to do whatever it was he was planning to do, and there was Mark and her making out on the dance floor. He got enraged and called Mark a dickhead and stormed out of the bar. Mark grabbed him and asked him what the hell his problem was. Lloyd started crying and saying that she was his girl, and that Mark was a profiteerer, that he knew Lloyd liked her, and why did he fuck him over like that. Mark laughed and said, Aprofiteerer?@.

  He told Lloyd that at one point the girl mentioned something about the Holocaust not existing, so Lloyd was probably shit out of luck anyway. AYou don=t get it Mark, you don=t even give a shit about making out with a girl, that would have made my life, MY Life!@, he shrieked. It was horribly pathetic and Mark had nothing but sympathy for him. He told him to hold on, that he would take him home, he just wanted to say bye to Eva Braun. He came back out an hour later to find Lloyd yelling at a lamppost and calling it a cocktease.

  Lloyd woke up the next day with cuts and bruises on his hand and was deathly afraid to look at his penis. He was relieved to find out that in his drunken fury he had pummeled two stationery garbage compactors and apparently called Mark a bigger whore than Madonna. Lloyd remembered none of it. Mark told him that at one point they went through a Burger King drive thru and Lloyd told the checkout girl that she was good looking and that she gave them free whoppers. The first time he ever had enough confidence to flatter a girl and he needed to be blitzed to do it. Figures.

  Lloyd pondered that for a moment. It was maybe the first time in his life he had the confidence to compliment a girl to her face, and he had to be rip roaring drunk to do it. And it appeared to have worked. It was an eye opening moment. He was always, always wondering what women thought of him, how he was ugly, and skinny, and nerdy, and dorky, and unsexual, and a chronic masturbator..et al. He had never thought about going about approaching it from a different angle. Kill them with kindness. What a novel concept. But it was a fleeting thought and soon he would be back to being the same wuss everyone knew and didn=t love.

  A few weeks later Lloyd found himself bored at a party and went and sat down by himself to wallow in his usual self pity. Mark and Mike were regaling the ladies with their tales of life as actors, and Lloyd was kind enough to sulk out of their eyesight. For some strange reason his mind must have wandered off on a tangent that didn=t involve the female flesh and for a fleeting instant he must not have been giving off his usual stank of bleak desperation. A pretty girl came and sat next to him and asked him why he looked so bored. He blinked his eyes rapidly , as if to see if they were deceiving him. He detected a foreign accent and more importantly, nice tits. She introduced herself as Gigi and they proceeded to have a half hour conversation. Not that Lloyd knew what was coming out of his mouth. She was from Holland, where apparently self loathing and self pity are a virtue, as she said he looked like he was lonely and that she felt bad for him. She must have been a fucking psychic. At the end of their encounter, she said that they should hang out some time. He said he would like that and she gave him her number. She walked away and he looked around for a hidden camera. He knew he had to have been set up. Maybe Mark and Lloyd paid her to do it.

  He ran to Mark and Mike like a first grader bringing home a smiley face on his homework. ALook, look what I got, a phone number!@ and Mark said, Alook, look what I got!@ and held his finger under Lloyd=s nose and the unmistakable scent of vagina wafted off his fingers. Lloyd lurched away as Mark pointed to a bouncy sorority girl giggling in the corner. He showed Lloyd her phone number and ripped it up.

  Lloyd told them about Gigi warily. He didn=t trust what had just happened and didn=t want to let himself go overboard in fantasy land.

  Eleven days later Lloyd gathered up the nerve to call her on the phone, but not before dialing and hanging up three times in the previously four days. He figured once he did the first hangup, he couldn=t call back because she would know it was him, and he would have a hard time explaining that it was his nerves. This time he didn=t hang up and he had generated enough ass sweat to fill a small wading pool. She didn=t remember who he was at first, until he reminded her of the party. He wondered if she wanted to hang out and she said she would like that. They made a date to meet for lunch at the cafeteria on campus the next day.

  He was ecstatic and told Mark about his excitement. Mark told him he was a loser and that she wouldn=t show up. That was their humor, he wasn=t saying it meanly, more as a joke and Lloyd laughed heartily.

  She didn=t show up.

  Lloyd was near tears as he shuffled in the door and told Mark that he was right. He was a loser.

  Another one bites the dust. Mark felt bad and told him that maybe she forgot or that something came up. Lloyd was having none of it, and sulked into his bedroom. He was flummoxed, she really seemed to like him, and he was devastated at her not showing up. And she didn=t have his phone number, so either he could forget about it forever, or have some balls and call her back. He summoned all of his courage to call her again. He went to dial, but then his nervous stomach started gurgling and he just missed literally shitting his pants by four seconds. After getting off the toilet he went back to the phone and called her. She apologized profusely and said that she forgot she had a class during that time and showed up an hour late and he was gone and she was so glad he called her back. She asked him to go with her and her frie
nds to a party that night.

  Mark had I=m a Loser by the Beatles blasting on the stereo when Lloyd rushed in to tell him the news. Mark told him to buy a gun to use on himself when she doesn=t show up again.

  Lloyd was giddy with excitement at the evening=s prospects until he showed up at the party and saw that Gigi had brought a girlfriend along. Once again he had gotten the wrong signals. She had mentioned that she had a boyfriend in Holland but that they were on a break so he thought maybe he had a shot. No dice. He thought it was just going to be the two of them. Once again his brain had proven to be his worst enemy. Set himself for great heights and then take the big tumble. He was a real life Humpty Dumpty.

  The friend was named Molly and she was a feisty, uninhibited sort. At one point she announced that she had to piss and crouched down in bushes and took a leak. It was pretty funny. Lloyd debated trying to sneak a peek, but as disgusting as he was, he drew the line at a urination. Now if she were shitting...

  The three of them went into the party and Lloyd managed to spend some quality time with Gigi, it was dark so she couldn=t see the sweat stains. She seemed to be having a decent time as we he , now that he knew the pressure was off. She liked him like a friend, just like every other single woman on the face of the Earth. His brother vibe he emanated was obviously now spreading across the Atlantic.

  All of a sudden as they were talking about Amsterdam she grabbed his hand and held on to it. It was like his fingers were jammed into an electrical socket. He felt it up and down his body and straight to the main vein. She had no idea what she had done. It was like awakening Rip Van Winkle. It pretty much was, considering he was 20. He pretended it was no big deal and prayed to the god he didn=t believe in to keep his hand from sweating too profusely. She said she wanted to dance and walked him to the dance floor while holding his hand. He felt like the Queen of England. It was the high moment of his life. He couldn=t wait to tell Mark and Mike about it.

  They danced for awhile and he pretended that it wasn=t a big deal, just like walking down the hall with Deena in high school. Oh, but it was. He probably had that smirky, cockylike smile he so despised on frat guys. Mr. Cool. Luckily she couldn=t see that his fly was undone.

  It was getting late and she said she wanted to go home, so Lloyd hailed a taxi for her and Molly. They told him to come with, which was fine with him. He would even be chivalrous and pay when it got to his house. Molly=s dorm was first, and she belched and said goodbye and shot Gigi a slight wink. He noticed it but didn=t know what to make of it. He was probably being setup for a letdown, so he just sat there.

  As they got closer to Gigi=s dorm he started panicking about if he should kiss her or not. She asked him if he was OK, as sweat was pouring down his face and his ass was as wet as Lake Michigan. He said he was fine, he may have drank too much.

  Should I ask her out? Kiss her? Hold her hand? Oh shit, there=s her dorm, what should I do? What do I do? Maybe she held my hand out of friendship. Oh you held hands, what is this 1952? Big deal you pussy, it means nothing, holding hands. You are such a pussy.

  He was so busy panicking that he didn=t notice that she had already exited the cab. So that was that, she didn=t want a kiss or anything. No goodbye. Nothing. He was crushed, but not surprised.

  She looked back, and said, AWell come on. Lloyd. Arent you coming up?@

  Now Lloyd was a dolt. A clueless dolt. But even he realized that he had just crossed over to the other side. The real world. In that split second it was like the world stopped spinning and Lloyd was at the epicenter of life itself. He heard a metaphorical record rewinding in his mind as he replayed the words. AAren=t you coming up?@ He wasn=t hearing things.

  This can only mean one thing. I am not even going to allow myself to think it. Don=t say it Lloyd, don=t say it. Sex. You dumbass. Don=t think about it. Choker.

  They exited the elevator on her floor and she mentioned her room was way at the end. The hallway was long and as Lloyd walked it, it was like following a gold plated road straight up to heaven. He imagined there were townspeople throwing roses on the ground in front of him and he blew kisses and imaginary waves at the gathered masses.

  It was mind-blowing, he didn=t need LSD or shrooms to feel like he was tripping. It was all dreamlike.

  She opened her door and Lloyd followed her in like a puppy. A horny puppy. She shut the door behind her and grabbed him and starting kissing him passionately. Instinctually he somehow seemed to kiss back, as he moved his mouth in what he thought they were supposed to do. She didn=t seem to be laughing as they kissed so he kept doing what he was doing. She was doing something with her tongue that almost made him jump. It was insane. He sucked on hers like a hoover and she sort of coughed. Whoops.

  Oh my god, Oh my god, I can=t wait to tell Mike and Mark, I am kissing a girl!!!

  Seriously, he wasn=t gay, his Aunt notwithstanding.

  Her breath tasted like roses, well roses with a touch of Heineken, and he inhaled her whole scent as they continued Amashing@. She pulled away, stepped back and took off her shirt and removed her bra, revealing her luscious round breas....

  Thump.

  Lloyd passed out cold on the floor. She rushed over to him waving her shirt in his face, and he apologized and said he drank too much again. Her breasts were inches from his face. She escorted him over to the bed where feigned nausea. The truth was he was nauseous. Nauseous at his colossal choke job. He was like a personal incarnation of the 1969 Cubs, or the 1984 Cubs, or the 2003 Cubs.

  After a few minutes she got into bed with him under the covers. She let him feel her breasts and kiss her. It was like he was playing with playdoh. He was transfixed. She told him she didn=t want to have sex, she had promised her boyfriend that.

  You could fucking evaporate into thin air and I would be good with that.

  He courageously told her that he understood, and she drifted off to sleep in his arms. He had heard the term blue balls bandied about before and apparently he was experiencing it firsthand. He didn=t care. He was so hard that not only could he cut glass, but could probably build a greenhouse.

  It was three in the morning. He stared at the ceiling as she slept. There was no way in hell he was going to sleep. He had left Earth=s atmosphere. He was John Glenn. He was not yet Neil Armstrong, but he had just orbited the earth. And Earth being her breasts, of course. it was his first successful mission after years of solo rocket explosions. His victory parade awaited him.

  He triumphantly entered his apartment anxiously wanting to tell Mark about his night=s travails. He heard a lot of grunting, groaning and sex noises emanating from Mark=s room and figured that he was banging Lana. About 10 minutes later the door opened and out walked Berbek. He saw Lloyd and smiled and starting waving a rubber at him.

  >Check it out, Virgin, I just used this pro-felatic, I just felated that chick in there.@

  AShe=s a tranny?@ Lloyd asked?

  AWhat, fuck no, her name is Tiffany, I aint no faggot, why, the, what the fuck is wrong with you?@

  AWhy the hell are you here anyway, Berbek?@, Lloyd was genuinely appalled.

  AWell Machine said I could use his room anytime I wanted@, Berbek grunted. He always called Mark, Machine for some reason, AI just double hogged the shit out of that girl in there.@

  AI have no idea what that means and don=t want to know@, Lloyd protested.

  AIt means I fucked her twice like a piggy. SUEY.@

  AI still don=t know what that means.@

  A few seconds later, a young woman of considerable girth exited the room and smacked Berbek on the ass. Berbek winked at Lloyd and gave him a thumbs up. AYou still a virgin, Kulligan?@

  AWell actually, Berbek, last night I....@

  AYou get some, you faggot? Come over here, Let me smell your fingers!@ and Berbek grabbed his hand, but Lloyd yanked it away.

  AI, uh, are you leaving soon, Berbek, cause I need to study.@

  ACome on man, let me sniff em,@ Berbek grunted. A That chick in there,
I road her like a fucking bronco@

  AYou mean a Bucking Bronco?@

  ANo man, I was like John Elway, Don=t you think I look like him?@

  AYou have more teeth,@ Lloyd countered.

  AWhat?@

  ANothing, Berbek, congrats on the whole hoggin fest..@

  Soon it was April Fools Day and Mark and Lloyd decided to have some fun. Mark had had some issues with failing grades over the last few years and had come close to flunking out, so they both thought it would be hilarious to call his parents and tell him he finally had. His parents started crying and calling Mark a poor excuse for a son, until he said he was joking.

  In his infinite wisdom Lloyd then called his parents to tell them that he had been in a car accident.

  Lloyd had really been in 4 accidents since he was sixteen, none of which caused any serious damage, so it was a highly believable tale. One time he cut off a car while turning onto a busy intersection, causing minor damage to the family=s Honda Civic. Another time he was driving Steve by Henry=s girlfriends house. He wanted to show him where Henry spent all of his time, and as he turned his head to point out the house, he caught the open door of someone just exiting their car. The whole passenger rear door was smashed in.

  Then there was the time he went to visit Steve at U of I with a bunch of other kids from Kansas. They were traveling in a guy named Leo=s car, and during Lloyd=s turn at the wheel they came upon a car stalled in the middle lane of the highway. The car in front of Lloyd ducked out at the last second and Lloyd had no chance but to slam the brakes and pray no one got hurt. No one did.

  So that was the setup in calling his parents about ANOTHER accident. Nothing like scaring your parents that you were in another crash. The Kulligans cried just like Mark=s parents did and repeatedly asked him why he thought making them think he was injured in a car crash was funny. He shrugged and Mark and him laughed and laughed at their distaste. For their coup de grace, they began plotting their April Fools day joke on Mike.

  Mike was an unbelievably loyal friend who would do anything for either Lloyd or Mark. He was truly sincere and trustworthy, a purely earnest person who was there for Lloyd all the time. He wore his heart on his sleeve which made him an easy target. Lloyd called him up on the phone.

  AHello?@

  AHey, Mike, it=s Lloyd.@

  AHey, what=s up, Lloyd.@

  AWell to tell you the truth, I have extremely disappointed in you, to be honest. I thought you were my good friend.@

  AWhat? I am Lloyd, what are you talking about?@

  AI know you have been saying stuff about me, Mark told me how you mocked my lack of girlfriends and stuff, that was supposed to be between you and me,@ Lloyd had to hold his hand over the phone as he was snickering.

  AI, I, thought you had told him that stuff, I, I, why are you accusing me of stuff?@ Mike said almost crestfallen.

  AI have been hearing a lot of stuff like that Mike, I thought we were friends, man, I can=t believe what a dick you have been lately, it really disappoints me.@ Lloyd was sweating in glee.

  ALloyd, I don=t know what...@ his voice started to crack and Lloyd went in for the kill.

  ADo you have a mirror Mike? Well look in it. Look in the mirror, I don=t think you=ll like what you see. Yeah, look in that mirror.@ Lloyd and Mark were dying. They couldn=t contain themselves any longer.

  AAPRIL FOOLS!!!!@

  Mike was still flummoxed. AHuh, what? Wait, you are joking? That was a joke?@

  AYeah, you really thought I was mad at you, didn=t you?@ Lloyd said while laughing.

  AUh, yeah, that wasn=t very funny, @ Mike replied in obvious anger.

  AOh come on,@ Lloyd reiterated, A it was hilarious. We just called our parents and I told mine I was in a car crash, and Mark said he had flunked out!@

  AYour parents must have been pretty upset, that doesn=t sound funny at all.@ Stupid Mike and his earnestness and common sense.

  AUh....I guess they were,@ a suddenly jolted Lloyd realized.

  AYeah, none of those jokes are funny,@ and Mike slammed the phone.

  Remorse immediately set in for both Mark and Lloyd and they called everyone back to apologize. Though forever after, on every April Fools day, Lloyd never forgets to call Mike and tells him to look in the mirror.

  But their was still one more to do, remorse be damned. Mark picked up the phone and dialed.

  AHey Berbek, it=s Machine. Yeah, uh, we had a strange message on our answering machine. Do you know a chick named Tiffany?

  AFuck yeah, Machine, that=s the chick I banged in your bed. She was smokin.@

  AYeah, that=s what Lloyd said. Anyhow you gave her our number?@ Mark sounded totally believable, the mark of a good actor, though a 7 year old could fuck with Berbek.

  AFuck yeah, dude, I don=t give no chicks my real digits. That was a real good lay, Machine.@

  AUh huh. Well she left a message looking for you, she said she=s, uh, you know,@ Mark said seriously.

  AWhat? That she wanted to thank me for the best fuck of her life?@

  ANo, no, not that, Berbek. Apparently she is with child.@

  AWhy should I give a shit if she is with some kid,@ The mollusk brained Berbek replied.

  ANo, no, Steve, she=s with child. Pregnant.@

  AFuck you Machine, I used a pro-fermatic@.

  Well, it didn=t work, Berbek. She wants you to take her to Planned Parenthood.@

  APlanned? This was unplanned, that=s bullshit. Planned parenthood? We didn=t plan shit. She trapped me, Machine. She trapped me. She must have taken the rubber off while we were doing it,@ Berbek said through what sounded like whimpering.

  ANo, no, uh, Planned Parenthood offers abortion advice, man. She said you need to bring 200 bucks for an abortion.@

  AWhat? That=s more than she cost,@ Berbek yelled.

  Mark finally let him off the hook. AApril Fools, dude.@

  AYou calling me a fool, Machine? I didn=t do it on purpose, you know I always ask if they are on their minstrel cycle.@

  A What? You ask if they wear blackface? Or to sing you Mammy?,@ Mark taunted.

  AShe=s the mammy,@ replied Berbek.

  ANo, April Fools. It=s a joke. I am joking. She isn=t pregnant@

  AHow do you know she isn=t, she said so on the message.@

  AYeah, goodbye Berbek,@ Mark said sullenly. Berbek was so stupid he didn=t even get the joke. It took Mark two days to convince him he was just kidding and that she had never called.