Slow to Grow

He was turning 21 in a few days and the Scarlet V was written all over his face.

  On his birthday he made plans to hang out with one his original unrequited crushes, Deena, who was still enjoying telling everyone about him falling off the gymnastic rings and missing the mat.

  They went out to a bar and she kept buying him tequila shots. Soon enough the inevitable happened and...(for most people, the term, Athe inevitable happening@ and the combination of alcohol, would mean that said person with said unrequited crush would make a clumsy attempt to

  kiss the girl or force themselves upon them in embarrassing fashion. But by now, we know Lloyd is even more pathetic)...Lloyd started bitching about his virginity and why hasn=t it happened and Deena put her hand to her head like an imaginary gun and pulled the trigger. Lloyd was so shitfaced, he didn=t even notice and started to blather about how she was the only attractive Jewish girl he had ever met and why didn=t she like him, and how come this and how come that, and she started laughing really loud. He was slurring rather loudly at this point.

  "It was 8 yearsh ago when I fell off those ringsh and I liked you back then even and you laugh at me and still tell people about that, that means you must like me right, Deena, you like me, don=t you, tell me you do..."

  He proceeded to tell her that she was really pretty and that he had never told anyone that before and next thing you know hey were in her bed screwing and Lloyd lost his virginity on his 21st birthday. Ha ha, you didn=t believe that did you, reader? No, no, she drove Lloyd home and plopped him on his couch where he proceeded to pass out while simultaneously pissing himself.

  Well he was officially legal to drink. What kind of country did he live in that it was ok to vote and join the armed services at 18, drink at 21, and not be congressionally guaranteed to lose one=s virginity. Total bullshit, and our founding fathers would never have stood for it.

  He was starting to become friendlier with Jessica, from the radio station, in fact it he much more comfortable around her, knowing that she was unavailable. It was like women who hang out with gay dudes, they aren=t threatened by the men and are comfortable around them. Lloyd was Jessica=s fag hag. One day she asked him if he wanted to go with her to a bar that evening. He was nonplused, and agreed with no expectations.

  He still was highly attracted to her, but she had told him she had just recently separated from her husband, so Lloyd took that as a clue to not make any sort of move. Ha ha, like he would Amake a move.@ More likely he would accidentally graze her hand while reaching for the peanuts and summarily break out into a full body sweat.

  So off to the bar they went and Lloyd was relaxed with her, and had a good time, since there was no pressure of on him to impress her, just two friends out. They danced to some music and they drank a little and she laughed a lot, and he was having a nice time. She told him that her husband was verbally abusive and that is why she was in the midst of divorcing him. She also said he had a tendency to peer through her windows now on occasion, which sounded pretty creepy.

  She seems to tolerate me, this isn=t bad, not at all. As usual, the old unrequited routine, she has a pretty smile. I like when she grabs my hand to dance, its like a jolt going through me. I am so pathetic, getting cheap thrills from a periodic brush of skin against skin, but I will take it. God I wonder if she has any clue of how much I am lusting for her. I am going to crank one out so bad tonight.

  At the end of the evening, Lloyd drove her home and as he got ready to say bye, of course with no impure intentions, she asked if he wanted to come in.

  Uh, what was going on here, was this like with Gigi, am I being an idiot? Am I going to get some?

  Get some? Some what?

  ABut aren=t you worried the kids might wake up and see me?@

  He was an idiot.

  ANo, Lloyd they are pretty sound sleepers.@

  So he went in with her, still with no expectations, just thinking that they were hanging out. He sat with her on her couch, and she grabbed his hand.

  Well, this is interesting. Maybe I should put my hand around her, she sure is being friendly. Man, too bad she has kids.

  Jesus Christ, what the fuck was his fascination with the damn kids. She was still a woman. Good god, he was annoying.

  Boy she smells nice, I wish I could kiss her. But she only likes me as a friend, obviously.

  God he was so fucking stupid, this book should stop right now.

  Why is she looking at me that way? Is she going to kiss me? OHMYGOD. She is kissing me. Roll your tongue! Roll your tongue!

  After their make out session he excused himself to go to the bathroom, because that is what dipshits do when they are about to get Asome@.

  As he came out of the bathroom he was confronted with the scariest thing he had ever been confronted with in his entire life. It literally shook him to his core.

  She was lying naked on the floor and told him to come over. She looked just like a bear rug, just a tad less hairy. He looked out the window to make sure her husband wasn=t watching. And then reality sunk in.

  That=s real live pubic hair. My brain does not compute, that is not in a magazine. Those are real breasts. This is not happening. I AM FREAKING OUT.

  AUh, I, uh, don=t have a condom.@ What? That is what you first think when you are finally confronted with live bush? You are all allowed to chuck this book in the garbage. My apologies to everyone. Shut the door on the way out.

  AOh, you are silly,@ she said. AYou don=t need one. I have had that taken care of, no more kids for me. Now come here.@

  The colossal thing he had waited 21 years, 1 month, 13 days and six hours for was immediately imminent. 3 and 2 years of college, and 11, 235 masturbatory sessions, and it was finally here. He removed his clothes and went to her. They embraced and started kissing and fondling. This was it. He allowed his hands to brush over her pubic hair.

  Whoa, it feels likes a hairbrush!

  But why was he sweating profusely from every pore on his body? Because that=s who he was! And why was he shaking more than Michael J. Fox on a tilt a whirl? And why wasn=t IT working. The sweat started pouring out his ass like Niagara Falls.

  All his life, he had built this moment up in his head, and the reality of it finally being there was too overwhelming and cataclysmic. Of course he had already told her he was a virgin, because that is what he did, and somehow he had finally found someone who was overlooking his obvious whiny faults and was going to have sex with him. She felt how clammy and nervous he was and told him it was ok, that it isn=t a big deal and that it happens to everyone. He left and whimpered all the way home.

  Choker. Choker. Choker. He heard the crowds taunting him. He had whiffed with the bases loaded and his team down a run. Game over, man. Game over.

  What a failure. Can=t get it up for the hottest moment of my life. If I wasn=t such a wuss I would have the guts to kill myself. 21 years old, and I couldn=t do it. All my life waiting for that, and nothing. God she was hot. I can=t wait to jack off.

  He laid in his bed all night staring at the ceiling lamenting his fate. This was as close as he was going to get and he blew it. But to his credit, instead of crawling under a rock and avoiding her forever, he called her the next day. She was nice and told him to come over again that night.

  ABut I didn=t come last night@, he joked

  AYou will tonight.@

  Gulp.

  When he got there she introduced him to daughter, who was actually 5 years old. She didn=t seem put off that an odd man that wasn=t her daddy was in her house and she said good night to him as Jessica escorted her to bed. She came back and immediately shoved Lloyd onto the couch and began grinding on top of him. He liked it. A lot. A whole real lot. So much so that he went home sticky. The first orgasm caused by someone other than himself. It may have been through two layers of fabric, but it counted.

  That was more his pace, even though it meant he would need to do more laundry. Which meant twice a month instead of the usual once. The rubbing routine conti
nued for about a week, until one night, when she just up and put it into her mouth. He didn=t have any problem with that. It was heavenly. It was the best feeling he had had since he at the dentist getting a cavity filled. The dentist used sweet air, or laughing gas and a person would hallucinate and your body would be happily numb and just feel awesome, it was the best feeling of his life. Until now.

  And then the bell rang. He zipped up fast, knowing full well it was her husband and that he was going to get his ass kicking of his life. He hid behind the door and wet his pants just a little. Jessica went to answer it, and there stood Mike and Mark. Lloyd never hated them more in his life. They came in and hung out for awhile.

  They knew where she lived, because Lloyd had been talking about her nonstop since the night he didn=t fuck her. And they had met her before when they came to visit him at the radio station. They finally left after about a half hour, and luckily she had not forgotten what she was doing before the bell had rang. Afterwards, he finally felt like he had entered the world of the living. He was on his way to the moon.

  It was in her mouth. Not my hand, or my bedroom rug, or Elle. In an actual female mouth. A women put my thing in her mouth. You are not dreaming, Lloyd.

  As the whole rubbing their privates through their jeans routine was juvenile and mundane, at least for her, one night she unceremoniously yanked off his pants and climbed on top of him and 20 seconds later that was that. All of sudden Neil Armstrong was on the moon.

  The world didn=t turn from black and white to color. The sky wasn=t any bluer. It wasn=t a letdown, per se, but was it worth the years and years and years of pursuit? But he knew one thing. His dick was inside a woman. Fuck the Bar Mitzphah, now he was a man. A girly man, and a wussy man, but a man nonetheless.

  The Scarlet V was now gone. Sadly if anyone could make it re-appear, it would be Lloyd. But for now, he was entering the world of the people who have had sex with an animate object.

  It may have been fast and nondescript and the worst lay of her life, but for him it was a life changer. He knew it, and so did she. it was like she was Schindler and had saved him from the Nazis, he would be indebted to her forever. It was winter break, and he was going to go home a non-virgin and with a girlfriend. A few days later he announced a KU basketball game in which they creamed Kentucky in the most lopsided win in school history. Life was great. December 1989 would forever be remembered in the annals of Kulligandom as the BEST MONTH EVER.

  Before Christmas break Mark took Lloyd to a party at Berbek's frat house. Yes, shockingly Berbek was a frat guy.

  "Kulligan, I hear you got your dick wet!," yelled Berbek. "You are only part faggot now! I wondered about you, Kulligan, I seriously wondered about you."

  "Maybe I am gay, Steve, I didn=t like the sex, all I could think about was you the whole time. Your physique, your..." Lloyd told him.

  "Stop it, Kulligan, you faggot."

  Lloyd continued. "You are just so masculine, Berbek, I was balls deep in bush and all I could think about was you."

  "I will kick your ass, Kulligan, I aint no faggot."

  "I don=t know man, why was I thinking of you the whole time?"

  "Machine, your friend is asking to get his ass asked."

  Mark played along with Lloyd. "Why so defensive, Steve, maybe he's right. You do seem to overcompensate"

  "Overwhat? I aint over shit. I like poontang. clear and simple."

  "You sure, Berbek?" Mark asked.

  Berbek=s face was bright red and his hands were balled up in a fist, so Mark changed the topic of conversation.

  "So, Steve, it was nice to hang out with our high school boys Saturday wasn=t it?"

  "Totally, Machine. we should get together every week. Make it an annual thing."