Slow to Grow

  Chapter 17

  It was an unconventional romance, what with the age difference, but that had ceased to matter anymore. They were in year two of dating, and things were nice and smooth. No expectations or anything. One day, his dad asked him if he had plans to marry Becky. That threw him for a loop, he had never considered it, and figured his parents would disapprove because of her gentility. Not like a southern belle, gentile, but GENTILE. A goy. Shikse. Marriage? Uh, no thanks, Lloyd thought.

  On the eve of their second anniversary Becky told Lloyd that she wasn=t getting any younger and he needed to shit or get off the pot. He responded that he was constipated. She didn=t laugh.

  She told him he had a year to think about it. Being the dullard that he was it took him a minute to understand she meant marriage. People at work were starting to ask if She was Athe one,

  and he just laughed it off. Once again thinking just of himself, and not about how maybe a 40 year old woman might not want to be tied down to some schmoe with no long term intentions.

  He had always pictured himself sowing his wild oats, and having lots of sex with lots of girls.

  How had that gone so far, slick?

  But then he wondered, who else would put up with his neurosis and bullshit like Becky. He would have to start over with someone new, who might not care for his odd sleeping arrangements, or his constant complaining about motorcycle noise, or his constant complaining about the rudeness of smokers, or his constant complaining about loud neighbors, or his constant complaining about red lights, or his constant complaining about traffic, and so on and so on.

  More importantly he loved her. He knew that. They were very compatible and enjoyed a lot of the same things, art, nature, and traveling. They were both low key and suited for each other. But marriage?

  He was always worried about his parents approval of his choice. Was Becky good enough for them? He asked his dad how he would feel about that, and his Dad shrugged and said you love who you love. In truth one of the reasons he never considered marriage was the thought that his parents wouldn=t approve. And in truth, if they hadn=t, well, life wasn=t like the movies where the hero tells his parents to Fuck Off and marries the girl he loves. He was glad they didn=t put him in that predicament. Becky knew better to ask him what he would do in that situation.

  Henry had gotten married recently, and he seemed happy. But he was the only friend of Lloyd=s to have done so. Becky was his first girlfriend. Did he want it to be his last? Oh, Christ. Like beggars could be choosers. He was on the pot, and he was going to take the shit.

  As their third anniversary approached, Lloyd pretended to start losing interest in her. He started coming every three days instead of two and when she would mention marriage, he would change the subject. It was stupidly reminiscent of his dumb April Fools Day jokes and was mean. Why he found humor in making someone think something sad and then spring the opposite was not funny. She was mentioning that she was now over 40 and that she didn=t have time for games. He didn=t pay much attention, as he thought he was in control of everything. So naive.

  Unbeknownst to him, she had decided that she was going to dump him on their third anniversary if he didn=t ask to marry her. He was still downplaying the whole thing, pretending like he didn=t believe her deadline. He told her he made reservations at a crappy restaurant, and dropped hints asking what sort of $10 earrings he could buy her. He didn=t pick up at all on her newfound standoffishness that was slowly creeping in, as she was dead serious about ending it all. He was too busy playing his little game of feigning interest.

  In reality, he had made reservations at the Four Seasons Restaurant, one of the nicest restaurants in town, and his father had given him Lloyd=s grandmothers beautiful Opal wedding ring. Lloyd couldn=t afford anything nice, and as well as he knew Becky, he knew she would appreciate it. He wasn=t sure how he would ask her to marry him, and figured he would wing it.

  On their anniversary, Mr. Cool strolls into her apartment ready to pop the question. Little does he know that she has written a 12 page goodbye letter that she has at the ready. He felt a weird tension in the room and it hit him like a sucker punch. He could tell she was all business and the reality of which direction his life would take was staring him right in the face. This was no joke. She was either getting married or he was getting dumped. He would be devastated. She was the best thing to ever happen to him, and at that moment he knew he had made the right decision.

  Next thing he knew, he was on his knees and starting to cry like a little baby.

  He could barely get the words out.

  ABecky, I...snifff snifff...Love you....will...., will you marry me?@ It was his true nature, he was a softy and sensitive and loving, and that is what drew Becky to him in the first place. It was also pretty pathetic.

  Becky was non-plussed, took the ring, smiled and said, Aof course@. No crying or anything. She was prepared for either outcome, and while she wanted to marry him, she was ready to walk. If Lloyd ever felt he had held any sort of power in the relationship it was dispelled in that instant. She ran things. He was more like the woman. When they went out for drinks inevitably she would order a beer and he would get an Appletini. The waiters would always give the drinks to the wrong one.

  So that was that. They were engaged. Lloyd Kulligan was getting married. At dinner, Becky told him she knew he was up to something, but just not sure which way he was going with it. She told him about the 12 page letter, and he asked to read it. She took it out and as she handed it to him, stuck it in the candle on the table and burned it.

  One thing he knew, and Becky agreed with, was that they didn=t want to wait a year to get married. Once he made a decision he wanted it done with. She agreed. What is the point of waiting a year or whatever? So they set a wedding date for February, five months ahead.

  Merrill Kulligan, took a rather hands on approach to the proceedings, much to Becky=s chagrin. But, what else is new, they were helping pay for everything, and Merrill, as she did with much of Lloyd=s life took charge. She chose the venue, with little input from Lloyd or Becky, as she felt she had the taste to make the proper decisions. Lloyd knew how hard it would be for Becky to kowtow to her, but he begged her to, and she obliged. Merrill was worried about what the extended family would think, as Lloyd was the first to marry outside of the Jewish race. Ooh, such a shonda, Lloyd would tell her, even though some of the jews who married into the family turned out to be drug abusers and wife beaters. Lloyd could have married a serial killer and it would have been fine as long as she was Jewish.

  Becky wanted a low key affair, which was fine with Merrill, less embarrassing, and Lloyd only cared about the dessert table. That was big with Jews. The Goyim, you need to have an open bar, they NEED their alcohol! Could you imagine a gentile wedding without booze? Unfathomable, like a fraternity without date rape allegations. The attendees of the Kulligan wedding would be served wine at their table and they would like it.

 

  But with the Jews it was all about the dessert table. All the Jews would talk about at affairs was the sweet table. Especially the elderly. ADid you see the dessert table, Marvin? A chocolate fountain! So delicious!@ And stay out of their way once they head towards the sugar. It=s like the running of the bulls. Just stand to the side if you don=t want to get hurt.

  Lloyd=s dad, Nathan, now a Federal judge and as such was ordained to marry people. Lloyd was adamant about having no religion in the ceremony and his dad was glad to do it. Not many people get to say they were married by their father. Becky was fine with it, too, though she came from a stricter Lutheran upbringing. His performing the ceremony would be something they would cherish for the rest of their lives.

  Lloyd moved in with Becky two months before the wedding. That meant he was going to have to sleep with her. Sadly, that is not a double entendres. Literally sleep with her. Well, like Bobby Knight said about rape, Aif it was inevitable, you might as well lay back and enjoy it.@ They rented an apartment near her o
ld place and settled in. And he immediately slept through the night. It wasn=t that big a deal. Also, they had a door to keep the cats out. Once he committed to something, he was fine.

  As flittery and nervous and annoyed as Lloyd could be with the little things, he had no qualms about the big thing he was doing. He had no cold feet, or anything about getting married. Once he made the decision to get married he was all in.

  They also decided to forgo contraception and try to have Becky get pregnant. She was going to be 42, they both loved kids and both wanted them. And Lloyd liked sex. They might have been together three years, but the fact that he was actually screwing someone besides himself was still shocking to him. All those thousands of hours meticulously studying the breeding habits of lesbians were hard to erase from the memory banks. Actually having a real live vagina to look at never failed to amaze him. Also, on a sadder note, his masturbatory numbers were way down, and his hands were scheming to confront him about it. After all those years, they were being severely neglected. Little did they know that soon enough they would be back at work.

  For the wedding day, Becky had rented a van so all of her petsitters could attend. Her business was doing well, and she had about 20 employees, 8 of which whom could possibly function in the real world.

  It had became apparent that the job of caring for cats was appealing to those who, to be diplomatic, were social pariahs. Lloyd was extremely nervous that one particular sitter, Madge, would hover over the dessert table and take 18 pieces of cake, as she was prone to do at other City Kitty functions. It was quite the hodgepodge of shut-ins, virgins, and closet lesbians, and their table was hidden in the corner where they were to be shunned and meek, just like in real life.

  The ceremony and reception ended up going off without a hitch and was perfect. Becky was a beaming bride and looked beautiful. He was content. He had somehow made something out of nothing. All those lonely, dry years were a distant memory. All his friends had come. Henry, Mike, Steve, and Mark flew in from L.A. Before the ceremony they gathered with his Uncle Dave, who Lloyd had asked to be his best man, and they took a shot of tequila as they toasted Lloyd=s impending nuptials.

  Becky descended the ornate spiral staircase to the sounds of Canon and Lloyd blushed with pride at his good fortune. Soon enough, they were married by Judge Nathan Kulligan. He kissed his bride.

  The reception was held in a lovely banquet hall, and was undeniably classy. Merrill may have taken the reins, but she knew what she was doing, and even Becky was grateful.

  She was unprepared for the speeches, though. Jews liked to pontificate and this was no different.

  Nathan gave a speech, than Merrill, than his Uncle, then his Aunt, Then Ellen. It was a time honored tradition for the jews to bore people to tears before their food came.

  Becky and her family were quiet people who hated the limelight and tried to blend into the background at all opportunities. Lloyd gave a speech thanking everyone for coming and then mentioned that Becky was going to sing a song. She tried to hide under the table.

  Their honeymoon was in Puerto Vallarta and they stayed at a lovely hotel and had lots and lots of sex.

  One day, he was frolicking in the ocean and as he came out he noticed his wedding ring was gone. The goddamn Pacific had yanked it off. Luckily, he didn=t believe in Karma. He thought it was as stupid as believing in God. Superstitious bullshit. But, nonetheless, he panicked and was afraid to tell Becky, so he did what any normal man on his honeymoon with a lost wedding ring would do. He called his mommy.

  She laughed at him and mocked him over the phone for calling her on his honeymoon. She told him it wasn=t a big deal, and that he could buy a new one. She always calmed him down with her advice. He went up to Becky and told her what happened. She wasn=t that upset, and they decided to go into town to buy a new ring. They saw one they liked and bought it. He was worried it would disintegrate within days or turn his fingers pink, but it was legitimate. He never told Becky he called his mother about it.

  When they got home there was a message on the machine. AHey, you little faggot, only homos drink the milk after buying it for free.@ Becky asked him who the hell that was, but Lloyd just laughed. Lloyd hadn=t talked to him in almost 10 years, but he would never forget the voice of Steve Berbek