(Mis)Trust

  Holding eye contact I confess. "It's not you. It's me, honestly. My thought patterns are a little screwy right now. I haven't read a text book or studied in a month so I think I'm suffering mental inertia."

  "Mental inertia?" He laughs as I nod.

  "It's a real affliction," I grin. "Think about it. For 8 months of the year I'm absolutely buried in texts, lectures, studying, and working. I'm constantly overwhelmed and mentally overloaded. My body becomes used to hard exhausted sleeps, then it's all suddenly over for a few months. So now I can relax if I want, but I don't know how to. And I can do nothing if I want, but that's boring. If I wasn't living out of 2 suitcases here, I'd be studying legal text books to keep in my mental reservoir for school next year."

  "Why don't you do something else while you have the break?"

  "Like what? I'm working, and I'll be moving on Monday. I've just been a little on hold this past month."

  "So Monday night after you settle in you'll crack open a textbook for relaxation?" He asks without the sarcasm that sentence deserves.

  "Yes. Pretty nerdy, huh?"

  "No, not nerdy. It just seems a little lonely," he says softly. "You don't interact with anyone when you're studying, especially when you don't actually have to be studying. So why do you do it?"

  "Because of her brother," Selena pipes up and I'm shocked and winded and so fucking pissed that she took that moment to interrupt us.

  Glancing quickly at Malcolm he has his eyebrow raised at my no siblings lie. "Her brother?" He asks Selena who seems to understand she said something she shouldn't have.

  "Ah... I've got to finish my makeup," she walks away seconds before Dave gently knocks on the door.

  Jumping up, my words are lost and I feel like shit again with Malcolm. Christ, added to my list of personalities, the yeller, the psycho, the frozen one, now we get to add the liar, too.

  "Is he asleep?" Dave asks as soon as I open the door.

  "Yes. And you look mighty fine Mr. Heart," I hug Dave quickly. "Wait until you see her."

  Watching Malcolm walk toward us, they take each other in and hands are extended. "Hi, I'm Malcolm, a friend of Saige's. You must be Dave."

  "Yup. Selena's ex-husband and date tonight," he smirks. "Shit, Selena..." Dave quickly looks over at her grinning. "If you had looked like that every night I never would've let you divorce me."

  "Ha ha," she drolls. "You look nice, too," she blatantly checks him out.

  "And you look gorgeous, Mrs. Heart."

  "Mssss. Heart," she amends smirking.

  Looking between them, the air is filled with lust and love and whatever the hell these two had for each other for a decade before it all went to shit.

  "Get going you two. Just make sure you text me if you, you know..." I grin to her bug-eyeing me. That was a little revenge on my part for the brother comment, but she can take it.

  "Goodnight," they leave after Dave puts his hand on her lower back to escort her to the elevators.

  Waiting, I don't want to turn around, and I don't want to talk. I wish Malcolm wasn't here suddenly so I didn't have to answer his questions or fill in the blanks.

  "Saige?"

  Turning to Malcolm I say the only thing I can think of. "Popcorn now or later?"

  "Later." Dammit.

  Inhaling deeply, I need to cut this off. "I don't want to talk about my brother, okay? I'm sorry I lied, but it was easier than admitting I had a brother in case you asked follow-up questions I can't answer."

  "Saige, I-"

  "Please, Malcolm?"

  "Of course. I'm a patient man, Saige. Patient and stubborn, so you just bought yourself a little time. That’s all," he grins again at my relief. "So what now? TV, a movie, a board game? Maybe a legal textbook to peruse for relaxation?"

  "Smartass," I swat his arm. "I already told you I didn't have any here, but Monday night I'll hit you over the head with one if you'd like."

  "I might like."

  "Freak," I grin. "Um, we can watch a movie if you want. Selena has satellite."

  "Okay. After Q&A. Popcorn now or with the movie?" Dreading tonight's Q&A I need to push it away somehow. "No brother questions, Saige. I promise," he says like he knew where I was headed again.

  "Popcorn after. I'll just check on Griffin quickly while you think of new and interesting questions to torture me with."

  "Deal," he squeezes my hand passing me.

  Sitting on the other end of the couch, Malcolm looks huge again. When I tuck my legs up under me, I realize he absolutely dwarfs Selena's couch, which is normally more than enough room for normal-sized people, I suddenly laugh.

  "Something funny?" He grins.

  "No, just a nervous giggle."

  "Nervous of me still?"

  "No, not you exactly. I'm just weird and giggly tonight. I'm horribly sleep deprived," I admit fighting a yawn even as I speak.

  "Would you like me to leave?"

  "No, it’s okay."

  Turning on the couch to look directly at me, he says, "Good. And now it's Q&A time. What were you like as a teenager?"

  "Awkward," I say and burst out laughing.

  "Awkward?" He smiles.

  "Very. I was super scrawny, and I couldn't gain weight to save my life. I was that girl, ya know?"

  "No. Tell me," he prompts listening intently.

  Shaking my head, I smile. "I was the girl you could easily make fun of. I was a redhead with freckles, who was super smart, and I looked like a stick figure. I didn't get an awesome hourglass body like my mum and cousins in Scotland. No big boobs or butt and tiny waist. I was just horribly skinny, shapeless, and awkward. I hated my red hair and my little girl body. And I hated how smart I was."

  "Really?"

  "Yup. I even went through a phase as a junior when I stopped studying to lower my grades, but when it came time for tests I knew all the answers anyway. Plus, the stubborn side of me couldn't help but answer properly." Grinning, I admit, "My average did drop down to the high eighties though, which was a major shock to see at report card time."

  "The high eighties? I wish," he grins.

  Nodding, I continue. "There was a lot going on for me personally though, so no one said anything about my grade drop, which for most students would still be awesome, I know. But I'll admit, I hated not having the highest grades and the best scores in school," I finally laugh. "Like I said, I was awkward. I hated being the ugly, scrawny Brainiac, but I hated not being the smartest student in school more."

  "I doubt you were ugly," he whispers.

  "I was, Malcolm. I may have filled out a little now, and I may have a small woman's body now, but-"

  "You are very attractive now," he interrupts.

  "Thank you," I blush immediately. "Anyway, I gained 20 pounds, my hair lost a little of the brassiness, and, really, I just stopped caring."

  "About?"

  "Social stuff. When I was 16 I made a decision to be the best, the smartest, and the most determined. I knew what I wanted to be in life, so I stopped caring about the little things in high school. And I've done alright."

  "You've done very alright," he nods. "But did you have any friends?"

  "Yeah, I mean I wasn't a recluse or anything. I had 2 girlfriends, one who was a nerd like me and one who was a borderline nerd who floated along the edge of the popular girls, which meant the 3 of us were sometimes invited to parties. People weren't mean to me, Malcolm, they just didn't gravitate towards me. Honestly, I wasn't bullied or ridiculed or anything bad like that. I just existed, as the super smart, super scrawny redheaded little sister of Alec," I exhale deeply. Taking a quick breath as Malcolm stares at me, I nod. "Yeah, small world- we both have a brother named Alec."

  Not speaking, Malcolm seems to be holding his own breath as I battle my demons and decide what I do or don't say here. Opting for don't, I quickly change the topic.

  "So I went away to University, met Tyler my very first week, and then he changed me," I smile. "He was good looking, and everyone liked
him, and he really liked me. So we began dating, loving, living together, and that was it until last month."

  "How did he change you?"

  “I don't know, little things,” I shrug. “He didn't mind my scrawny body, and he liked my red hair. He started suggesting things, like different clothes or colors and over time I eventually changed. I always wore baggy clothes when I was younger so I looked heavier, but he would tell me I looked hot in tight jeans, so I started wearing them. He said my eyes were gorgeous, so I started wearing more green clothing and changed my makeup to highlight my green eyes more. Um, blouses and tighter tops showed off my small chest which he liked," I admit a little embarrassed again.

  "I don't know, just stuff like that. He made me feel good, and I grew confidence and a voice of my own. I embraced being the smart girl who was okay looking as well. I learned to stand up for myself, and eventually with him by my side, I was able to find my personality and grow into a confident woman I guess." Pausing for a moment, I smile thinking of my past. "It's all very classic ugly duckling stuff. But I do have Tyler to thank for most of it."

  "Maybe you-"

  "I think that's what made this break up so hard for me," I exhale as the sadness overwhelms me again. "I thought I was exactly what he wanted. But I wasn't good enough to love, I guess."

  Looking at Selena's TV, I see the reflection of Malcolm's hand move toward me, then stop. I watch him watching my profile and I wish he would hold my hand, though I'm also glad he isn't. I'm trying so hard not to cry in front of him, but all I want to do is cry again for the entire future I thought I was going to have with Tyler and lost.

  "I've never seen you in anything but big baggy clothes and jeans. Is that because you don't feel attractive anymore without him?"

  Turning, I'm a little insulted he thinks I'm so pathetic. "No, Malcolm," I snap. "I wear bagging clothes so no one will rape me again. Oh…"

  Watching him flinch as I cover my own mouth, I panic. I didn't think of what I was doing so clearly this last month with my clothes, but there it is. I'm dressing frumpy again so I won't get hurt.

  "Sorry..." I moan watching him stare, apparently unable to speak.

  Totally uncomfortable I stand quickly announcing I'm going to make popcorn as I bolt from the living room.

  Holy shit... I sound like such an ass with this guy. If I'm not acting jealous For. No. Reason, I'm spewing my insecurities and paranoia all over him.

  God, I need my textbooks. I want to study and chill out. I want a new bed and I want to sleep just once through the night without either waking up crying, or waking up panicked.

  I would love to just feel normal again, whatever the hell that is for me now.

  "Saige?" Malcolm says softly.

  "I’m okay," I hold the counter behind me for a second. "I was all up in my head for a second there, but I’m fine now."

  "I can imagine. Or actually I can't. But I'm trying to."

  Looking at him, I take all of Malcolm in. Standing against the fridge, Malcolm is just so big and strong I bet he's never been afraid of anything his whole life.

  "Do you ever feel scared?" I whisper as tears fill my eyes.

  "Yes." When there’s nothing but my disbelieving silence between us, Malcolm huffs a quick breath and continues. "I do, Saige. Maybe not because I feel physically threatened like you do, but I do get scared, and worried, and even panicked about things from time to time. Things can absolutely freak me out."

  Staring at each other the silence is so thick I'm nearly choking on the questions and the answers all around us. I want to know and I know he wants to ask but neither of us can move out of our heavy silence.

  "Can I tell you something?"

  "Anything," I whisper wanting this frozen unknown to stop for us.

  "I was truly scared, freaked-out and panicked the night I saw you in the restaurant after you were attacked." Oh God, my chest is pounding. "When I saw you jump backward to get away from me I was scared to death of your reaction to me. Then I was freaked-out watching you wrestle with what was real and what wasn't. But mostly I was panicked that for one moment you thought I could hurt you like that.

  “I didn't know the extent of what happened at the time, but it didn't matter. I saw you absolutely terrified in that moment, and it wasn't until you realized I didn't hurt you that I felt true panic. I saw the black handprint bruise on your thigh, and I really saw the damage to your face under the makeup. I watched how you clung to Mike and I watched Selena try to talk you back to the present. I watched you with such panic my heart pounded in my chest.”

  Feeling tears slide down my face I can't look away and I can't breathe. I'm suspended in this moment with Malcolm, and I've never felt such intensity with someone else in my life.

  "In that moment I almost grabbed you to me. I thought about picking you up and getting you out of there. I actually wanted to scoop you up in my arms and figure out how to make you not look like that on the floor. I couldn't stand the people watching, your friends crying, and you wide-eyed in shock because you saw me and Dan again. But thankfully, I found some sanity that made me not touch you when you were that emotionally vulnerable. But it was hard," he exhales a hard breath actually tugging at his dark hair.

  "I didn't know."

  "You didn't know anything in that moment except I wasn't the one that hurt you. And that's the only thing that kept me even remotely sane that night."

  Thinking about everything he's saying, I don't know why he felt that way. I really don't get it because I was a stranger to him. "Why did what happened to me affect you so much?"

  "Saige..." he exhales like I'm an idiot. "I have never seen a woman beat like that before, in real life anyway. Sure, in movies, or like the Rihanna thing that made me angry for her. But I don't know people who beat on women, and I can't think of a single time I've ever personally known, or rather seen the victim of an assault like that before. Not only that but I was looking forward to seeing you again, so when I actually saw you and you were like that I was gutted."

  "You were?" I ask confused, I'm so mesmerized and overwhelmed by everything being said in this kitchen.

  "After the night we met I saw you the following night and you shut me down, then we came back the next week and you weren't around. But the following week I finally spotted your gorgeous red hair and I wanted to get your number so I said your name- and you lost it.”

  “See, you were this sexy, Scottish, little spitfire to me. You were a tiny little thing who could put a grown man in his place without even raising your voice. You were intriguing and compelling and just the sweetest damn lass I'd ever seen," he grins quickly. "And then you were the girl on the floor with the bruises and busted lips and eyes, with sheer, unimaginable terror in her eyes. So I panicked alongside you. Obviously for different reasons- but it was still fear and sadness and horror that I felt finally seeing you again when you were like that."

  Straightening up but not advancing on me, Malcolm finishes this for us. "Anyway, after I left I beat the hell out of my own dashboard, Dan made a call to his brother Mario while we waited for you to leave, and the following morning I found out everything that happened to you."

  "Everything?" I gasp.

  "Yes," he nods his head keeping eye contact. "But I didn't look at the pictures, Saige, I promise. And please don't report this or get Dan's brother in trouble. Yes, he broke procedure, but I begged him to tell me everything so I could help you in some way. Mario finally allowed me to read the report but he wouldn't have if I hadn't convinced him I wanted to help. Please?" He begs looking at me so sincerely I give in. A little.

  “You didn’t look at the pictures?”

  “Absolutely not. They weren’t shown to me in the file, and I wouldn’t have been able to look at them anyway.”

  "Okay," I huff.

  Shit, I don't know how I feel about the police releasing details like that to anyone, even if he was trying to help somehow. Actually, I think I'm really pissed. "What else?"

 
"That’s it. I was allowed to read the report, off the record."

  "That was an invasion of my privacy, Malcolm."

  "I know, but I had to find out if someone I knew hurt you, but I'm sorry if I overstepped."

  "You did overstep. Grossly. And I'm really uncomfortable with what you know. Those were horrifyingly intimate details that I only shared with Selena and the police, and I don't know how I feel about you knowing all those details. Actually, it feels humiliating, and like a major betrayal of trust."

  "I'm very sorry about what I did, but I'm way more sorry about what happened to you. You can be mad that I looked into your assault, or you can understand what I did in the context I did it. I was trying to help, not invade your privacy. There was no other way to help because you were too much of a mess to talk to me or Dan that night. And I needed to do something."

  Looking at me desperately, I actually do understand. But god, it's embarrassing knowing he knows about the physical and sexual damage to my body that night.

  "I'm not hurt anymore," I whisper than blush so furiously I can't believe what I just said. Holy shit! I'm losing my mind.

  Christ, I didn't want him to think about me sexually ever- now I'm worried he's thinking about me sexually damaged.

  "Saige," he pauses reaching for my hand before I step away.

  "We will never discuss what happened to my body ever, okay? I can't, Malcolm. I'm too embarrassed and uncomfortable. And I don’t want you thinking of my body like that. But especially not damaged or messed up or anything. I can't do it."

  "I won't. I don't think of you as anything less than the little Scottish spitfire who compelled me to her that first night," he finally grins a little.

  "Okay," I exhale for the thousandth time in this kitchen. "Christ, I need another drink."

  "So have one."

  "I'll pass out I'm so tired."

  "So pass out. I'll watch TV beside you and stay awake in case Griffin wakes up."

  "I can't. But not because I don't trust you," I quickly acknowledge. "It just feels wrong to be drinking until passed out when babysitting- at least in this country," I laugh a little.