(Mis)Trust

  Hearing him moan a little as his hands start shaking, I know I just smacked him across the face without the physical replay of earlier.

  His silence as he stares at my face tells me I not only won this argument, but that he’s actually hearing and seeing what I just laid out in front of him. And it's all true. There is nothing I wouldn't have done for Tyler for the rest of our lives together.

  "I'll return after my exam tomorrow, and I really hope you at least respect me enough to not have that woman back in my home again until I can move out. I think that would be the last tiny show of respect from you that I feel I've earned after all the love and support, and monogamy I gave to you."

  "Lovey, please? I-"

  Shaking my head, I feel such betrayal at that word remembering her getting off on him as he called her Lovey in my bed.

  "That is the last time I ever want to hear that word from you," I snap. "Ever, Tyler. I'm not your Lovey, I'm just the woman you said you loved more than anything in the world but who you disrespected and attempted to destroy. You've broken my heart, Tyler. And I will never forgive you for this."

  Finally exhaling, I pick up my bags, purse, and my laptop off the kitchen table and walk away with his face looking almost as hurt as I feel.

  Walking away I realize the urge to kill has faded to a pain so deep I can barely breathe, and my heart is broken beyond anything I thought I could survive.

  Exiting my life, I'm actually proud of myself for one quick moment for making my closing arguments without bursting into the tears I'm emotionally drowning in.

  "Bye, Ty..." I whisper dramatically for the last time ever as I close our apartment door in his sad face.

  CHAPTER 2

  Driving to the University library, I have to think. My hands are shaking and my foot is shaking on the gas and brake so uncontrollably, I keep slipping off the pedals.

  Gasping in quick bursts from my chest, I can't believe how painful this is. I actually feel like my heart is truly broken, like I’m dying inside as my heart shatters in my chest.

  My chest is pounding and my head hurts so badly, I need Tylenol, or alcohol, or sleep maybe. I need something to erase the last hour of my life completely.

  Trying desperately to focus on what I'm doing I realize my options are severely limited, and tragically my life has just become very small all of a sudden.

  My mother lives hours away and my father isn't an option. I have Selena, but she has her own shit to deal with plus too small of an apartment for me. I have Mike I guess, but I don't want to ever make our friendship or work relationship awkward, which leaves only Kyle from class.

  Texting Kyle from the library parking lot, I've let him know I'm here and ready to grab his notes as soon as Handle's lecture is over. I've texted him and have just over an hour to wait, because amazingly the entire end of my current life took place in less than an hour at home.

  Pulling out my books while I wait for Kyle's reply, I again try to focus. I need to get studying, and I need to ace this exam so I have a future- a future without Tyler by my side apparently.

  Suddenly crying out, I don't know what the hell happened. Why did Tyler cheat on me? Thinking back, I honestly can't believe what I saw.

  I can't figure this out or make sense of it, even though I'm desperately trying to understand what happened and what I did wrong. No matter what I think or remember though I don't see a single thing that prompted or provoked this.

  Just last night we made love on our bedroom floor when he playfully tugged me from my desk. And the sex was good, and normal, and satisfying between us.

  After he came home from work I stopped studying and we watched an hour of TV and crawled into bed together. This morning we even had our coffee and toast together before I got back to my books when he left for his own final class of the semester.

  Not wanting to cast him as the villain always, I'll admit Tyler has always been supportive and caring and he never hid his affection for me ever. He was funny, and loving, and good looking, and just an amazing partner for me. Everyone in University has always known us as a couple, and I’ve always taken pride in our wonderful relationship around others.

  Christ, we think the same, want the same things, like the same music, laugh at the same jokes, and love each other the same. We were so together, it was hard to know who thought what or experienced what in our relationship after all this time together.

  Unless that was the problem?

  God, if he gives me the dreaded, 'it's not you, it's me' speech I'm going to throw up. If he gives me the cliché 'I love you, but I'm not IN love with you' lecture I'm going to lose my mind.

  If Tyler says anything other than 'I'm so goddamn sorry, Saige. I screwed up,' I’ll never forgive him. I'll never go back to him regardless, but hearing he at least feels sorry will help me forgive him eventually.

  Trying to calm myself, I reaffirm what I've always said. If Tyler ever asks me to give him a second chance, I'll never go back. I can't. Or rather, I won't.

  I've seen what happens to a woman who has been cheated on. I know the craziness and desperation that takes over their whole lives. I know the paranoia, and insecurity, and the madness that takes shape in their eyes after they've been cheated on.

  Tyler has always known cheating was the one thing guaranteed to destroy us forever, but unbelievably he did it anyway.

  After all our years together from the first week of school when we met, seeing my single mother a couple times a year, and meeting my happily remarried father twice, Tyler understood my hang up about cheating and he always promised me he never would.

  I even begged him to give me the hypothetical, 'I'll break up with you first before I cheat' promise, which he did. Though he swore he would never cheat on me regardless of the promise I made him give me.

  So what the hell happened?

  Looking at my phone Kyle's text comes through.

  'Meet you at blue entrance of library. What the hell happened?'

  Yes, what the hell did happen?

  Holding in my tears I don't know if I should just have a complete breakdown now in my car alone so I can get back to studying, or if I should hold it in hoping the anger makes me stronger so I can focus.

  Laughing, I realize I must still be in shock because I have no idea what to do, and I can't believe how much this hurts.

  Truly, I had NO idea how much Tyler could hurt me.

  Hopping out of my car 35 minutes later, I'm sure I read 2 chapters of my textbook but I've retained absolutely nothing. My mind keeps going back to what I saw in my apartment and the shock of it hasn't faded at all.

  She was riding him in my bed.

  She was attractive with a nice body, but it was her hatred toward me that shocks me still. I can't even fathom why she hated me so much. I'm the totally innocent here- she was the woman sleeping with a man in a relationship in the girlfriend's own bedroom.

  God, they're both so disgusting, I can't believe the insult of what they've done to me in my own home.

  *****

  Seeing Kyle leaning against the blue doors I pull myself together as best as I can as I approach. "Thanks for meeting me," I try to smile.

  "What happened? I couldn't believe it when you weren't there. I swear even Handle was frowning at where you usually sit when the attendance sheet was passed forward."

  Kyle is a friend of my own friend and boss Mike so I have to be careful here if I don't want everyone to know what's going on. "Something came up and I was maybe one minute late, but the doors were closed," I roll my eyes to fight off the upset I'm facing. "I knew I was screwed so I went home to study while waiting for you. Can I please photocopy your notes?"

  Nodding, Kyle’s looking at me a little too closely so I turn to look out across the campus gardens while he gets the notes from his bag.

  "Of course you can. I even wrote extra good notes for you in case you asked," he says like a dork, which makes me smile briefly.

  Watching him go through his backpack I mum
ble, "Thank you." Accidentally making eye contact with Kyle, I feel the tears fill my eyes and I want to kill again.

  This is so embarrassing, but I feel like my chest is going to explode if I don't release the pressure soon. "Um, I'm struggling a little here," I say sitting down on the steps.

  Waiting, I think I made a mistake not having a breakdown in my car. I think I could've moved on somewhat if I hadn't held all this in.

  But I'm suddenly here, and I can't really function if I don't cry this out.

  "What is it?" Kyle asks in a gentle voice as he sits down beside me.

  Gasping a quick breath I explain, "Kyle, I'm about to lose it. So if you don't want to see this, you better run." Moaning, the pressure affects both my voice and my breathing.

  Looking back at me Kyle says softly, "Just let it out if you have to," which opens up the pain. Taking another quick breath, my lungs explode as the upset bursts from my chest.

  Crying my eyes out while covering my face, I sob uncontrollably. Intense pain and sadness are all I know in this moment and I don't know how to make it go away.

  I can't believe Tyler did this, and I can't believe I had no idea this was happening. I’m in shock that I made love with my future last night on our bedroom floor while he was having a not one-time thing with someone else.

  When I feel Kyle against my side I soak his warmth into my skin. Leaning into him, I cry until the storm of upset fades to just a gentle rain of sorrow.

  Pulling myself together again I reach in my purse for a napkin to wipe up my mess of a face.

  Breathing in shallow quick bursts, I know I have to say something to salvage my dignity. "Please don't tell Mike, or anyone about this. Please?" I beg turning to look at him.

  "I won't. But what's wrong? You have to tell me something cuz I'm thinking all kinds of horrible things right now. And I feel like I should call Tyler for you," he says looking honestly concerned for me.

  "Do NOT call Tyler. He's the one that did this to me. Um, I just caught him in bed with another woman."

  Not even hiding his shock, Kyle replies with an almost funny, "Fuck off," then quickly recovers to ask, "Really?" And like me, he seems to be as shocked as I am from this.

  "Yes, really. In my own bed. After I missed Handle's lecture I walked into my apartment to some bitch Kaitlyn," I sneer, "riding him in my own bed," I burst out laughing again. How I can say that sentence out loud absolutely astounds me.

  "Kaitlyn?" He questions with a weird look on his face.

  "Do you know her?" When Kyle looks almost uncomfortable, making eye contact then just as quickly turning away from me, I think he must. "Who is she?" I ask barely above a whisper.

  "What does she look like?" He asks instead.

  "I don't know. Taller than me, brunette, long dark hair. I don't know, I was a little distracted from watching them screwing to really take her in," I bitch sarcastically. "Do you know her?"

  "No," he says shaking his head. "I was just curious if I’d ever seen her around. I don't know who she is, but wow, Saige- I feel awful for you. What are you gonna do?" He asks leaning against my shoulder.

  Unsure, I say all I can. "I have no idea what I'm going to do. I know I have to find somewhere to stay tonight. I have to study my ass off, and I have to ace this exam tomorrow. But that's about the extent of what I know right now. Um, this has blindsided me and I'm not sure what to do. I don't know, but..." Fading out I really am at a loss for words.

  What the hell am I going to do after tomorrow?

  I know I'll talk to the Superintendent, but besides that I don't know what I do or where I go if Tyler wants to be an even bigger prick about this.

  "Okay. Well, you can stay at my place tonight-"

  Shaking my head I can't possibly. "No, I-"

  "Yeah, you will. We'll go over my notes, and you'll take better notes. You’ll probably even find the obscure case studies I can't figure out on my own. You'll help me study for this, and then you can crash on my couch."

  "Kyle, I don't know."

  "Look, this must suck for you. Actually, I can't even imagine what you're going through. So you're going to borrow my couch tonight, and me? I get a Brainiac kicking me in the ass when I want to give up too soon. Then we'll get up tomorrow, grab breakfast, cram some more, and you'll get my ass to the exam on time," he smirks.

  Looking at Kyle smiling, I'm overwhelmed by his kindness toward me. "Thank you. I wasn't sure what to do tonight. I'm just so stunned I can't think straight. And my heart is broken," I mumble shutting down totally embarrassed.

  "It's cool. And trust me I'm getting way more out of this than you are. My couch is uncomfortable, and my place looks like a frat house. Probably smells like one, too," he grins again as I finally smile a little.

  "Thank you. But I have to beg again that you don't discuss this with anyone, especially Mike. I don't know what's happening right now and I don't want anyone hearing about it before I can figure out what I’m doing," I beg as Kyle nods.

  "I won't tell anyone anything, I promise. This is your nightmare, Saige," he says sadly and again I lean into him a little for just one more moment of comfort. This truly is one of my worst nightmares come true, and I'm completely unprepared to handle it.

  "Just follow behind me. I'm going to stop quickly to grab some Micky D's on the way home though. Do you mind?"

  "No. I haven't eaten all day, I'm stressed, and I've had 4 coffees, so I probably should grab something to eat."

  Standing, Kyle extends his hand to pull me up and then he side hugs me. It's the first hug between us ever, and though I'm a little uncomfortable with it, I'm much more willing to soak up some support from him right now. "I'm really sorry, Saige," Kyle whispers like he cheated on me.

  "You have nothing to be sorry for. Honestly, at this point you're like a Knight in shining armor for me."

  Grinning, Kyle says with a laugh, "Cool. Brownie points to cash in later."

  *****

  Arriving at his house I can't hide my laughter when we enter. Ugh, frat house is right. On every surface there's an empty beer bottle or can, and I see socks everywhere, ewww, and one pair of boxers in the kitchen hanging off a chair.

  "Yeah... sorry. My roommates don't tidy up much until we have a huge fight over it, then we let the place go to shit again for another month after we clean. I think we're due for a fight any day now," he laughs not even a little embarrassed by this funny gross hovel he calls a home.

  "Where are your roommates?" I ask biting into a McNugget.

  "Doug and Sam went home for the week, and Ramez is working then staying at his girlfriend's tonight."

  When I suddenly feel very nervous alone with him, I think Kyle sees my discomfort so he quickly jumps in. "Saige, I would never take advantage of you. But especially now. I promise I'm only going to use you for your brain tonight," he smiles a little as he squeezes my hand.

  Mumbling, "I'm sorry," I'm embarrassed I felt nervous and jumped to conclusions. "I'm not myself right now, that's all. But I really appreciate this," I try to apologize.

  "Don't worry about it. If anything, I should be nervous you're going to jump me tonight with a baseball bat when I frustrate the hell out of you studying," he pouts and I relax totally. "Let's finish eating so we can start the torture, okay?"

  Nodding, I eat my fries quickly, and enjoy my 6 McNuggets slowly. I love McNuggets, though thankfully I don't indulge too often. For me McNuggets are like a strange little memory of happy childhood yumminess I hold dear because of my father before he left us.

  Before all the bad, and before the nightmare began for us all with Alec there were Saturday afternoons and delicious McNuggets with my father after dance class and karate. McDonald's was a special secret we kept from my mum, and I've never forgotten it.

  *****

  "Kyle, look at the rhyme I made. Look at the first letters and remember the cases. There's no other way to do it. Trust me. All the information is right there in the rhyme, so if you remember the rhyme, you'll
remember the cases. Sing it if you have to," I huff.

  "Fuck! This is so brutal," he practically whines.

  Almost bashing my own head on the table I'm so frustrated with him I wish I could leave. "Of course it's brutal. Handle is our last hurdle before our acceptance letters. So he has to be brutal to weed out the people who can't handle the pressure."

  "I can't do it, Saige," he actually does whine sounding totally defeated.

  "Yes, you can. Look, you've already memorized my rhymes for the 50's through to the 80's, so you only have 2 1/2 decades to go."

  "I can't handle-"

  "I'm going to study on the couch. Read and memorize my rhymes and come get me when you're done. I'll quiz you and then you'll be as ready as you possible can be. I just need to look over my highlights," I repeat rising from the table with a sore ass and a tense neck again. God, I could really use a neck massage from Tyler.

  Nearly choking up, I realize I haven't thought of Tyler for about 8 minutes now. After sitting at Kyle's table for the last 3 hours, I can't believe 8 whole minutes finally passed when Tyler didn't enter my mind. I almost want to think that's progress right now considering it was only 6 hours ago that he broke my heart and ruined my life.

  When I hear Kyle walking around I yell, "Get memorizing," to a mumbled fuck off from the kitchen. Smiling to myself, I'm pretty sure Kyle and I have bonded over this intense stress.

  He's funny and a total smartass, but he's seriously trying and I know he really wants to do well. If Kyle just learns my pathetic rhymes and the years attached to them, I know he'll do fine. And after his kindness towards me today I really want him to do well suddenly.

  Rounding the corner, Kyle looks like shit. "Saige... It's 1:00 in the morning and I'm going to bed. I've learned the rhymes and I'm sure I'll have nightmares about them for the next 5 hours. But I'm crashing anyway."