Side-stepping with Shorty

  XIII

  GIVING BOMBAZOULA THE HOOK

  Maybe I was tellin' you something about them two rockin' chaircommodores from the yacht club, that I've got on my reg'lar list?They're some of Pinckney's crowd, you know, and that's just as good assayin' they're more ornamental than useful. Anyway, that description'sa close fit for Purdy.

  First off I couldn't stand for Purdy at all. He's one of these natty,band box chappies, with straw coloured hair slicked down as smooth asif he'd just come up from a dive, and a costume that looks as if itmight have been copied from a stained glass window. You've seen themsymphonies in greys and browns, with everything matched up, from theirshirt studs to their shoes buttons? Now, I don't mind a man's bein' aswell dresser--I've got a few hot vests myself--but this tryin' to be aMr. Pastelle is runnin' the thing into the ground.

  Purdy could stand all the improvin' the tailor could hand him, though.His eyes was popped just enough to give him a continual surprised look,and there was more or less of his face laid out in nose. Course, hewa'n't to blame for that; but just the same, when he gets to comin' tothe Studio twice a week for glove work and the chest weights, I passeshim over to Swifty Joe. Honest, I couldn't trust myself to hit aroundthat nose proper. But Swifty uses him right. Them clothes of Purdy'shad got Swifty goin', and he wouldn't have mussed him for a farm.

  After I'd got used to seein' Purdy around, I didn't mind him so muchmyself. He seemed to be a well meanin', quiet, sisterly sort of aduck, one of the kind that fills in the corners at afternoon teas, andwears out three pairs of pumps every winter leadin' cotillions. You'llsee his name figurin' in the society notes: how Mrs. Burgess Jones gavea dinner dance at Sherry's for the younger set, and the cotillion wasled by Mr. Purdy Bligh. Say, how's that as a steady job for a grownman, eh?

  But so long as I'm treated square by anyone, and they don't try tothrow any lugs around where I am, I don't feel any call to let 'em inon my private thoughts. So Purdy and me gets along first rate; and thenext thing I knows he's callin' me Shorty, and bein' as glad to see mewhen he comes in as if I was one of his old pals. How you goin' tododge a thing of that kind? And then, 'fore I knows what's comin', I'mright in the middle of this Bombazoula business.

  It wa'n't anything I butted into on purpose, now you can take thatstraight. It was this way: I was doin' my reg'lar afternoon stroll upthe avenue, not payin' much attention to anything in particular, when acab pulls up at the curb, and I looks around, to see Purdy leanin' overthe apron and makin' motions at me with his cane.

  "Hello!" says I. "Have they got you strapped in so you can't get out?"

  "By Jove!" says he, "I never thought of jumping out, you know. Begpardon, old man, for hailing you in that fashion, but----"

  "Cut it!" says I. "I ain't so proud as all that. What's doin'?"

  "It's rather a rummy go," says he; "but where can I buy some snakes?"

  "That's rummy, all right," says I. "Have you tried sendin' him to aninstitute?"

  "Sending who?" says he.

  "Oh!" says I. "I figured this was a snake cure, throwin' a scare intosomebody, that you was plannin'."

  "Oh, dear, no," says Purdy. "They're for Valentine. He's fond ofsnakes, you know--can't get along without them. But they must be bigones--spotted, rings around them, and all that."

  "Gee!" says I. "Vally's snake tastes must be educated 'way up! Guessyou'll have to give in your order down at Lefty White's."

  "And where is that?" says he.

  "William street, near the bridge," says I. "Don't you know aboutLefty's?"

  Well, he didn't; hadn't ever been below the bridge on the East Side inhis life; and wouldn't I please come along, if I could spare the time.

  So I climbs in alongside Purdy and the cane, and off we goes down town,at the rate of a dollar 'n' a half an hour. I hadn't got out more'ntwo questions 'fore Purdy cuts loose with the story of his life.

  "It's almost the same as asking me to choose my lot in the cemetery,"says he, "this notion of Aunt Isabella's for sending me out to buysnakes."

  "I thought it was Valentine they was for?" says I. "Where does he comein?"

  That fetches us to Chapter One, which begins with Aunt Isabella. Itseems that some time back, after she'd planted one hubby in Ohio andanother in Greenwood, and had pinned 'em both down secure with cutgranite slabs, aunty had let herself go for another try. This time shegets an Englishman. He couldn't have been very tough, to begin with,for he didn't last long. Neither did a brother of his; although youcouldn't lay that up against Isabella, as brother in law got himselfrun over by a train. About all he left was a couple offourteen-year-old youngsters stranded in a boarding school. That wasPurdy and Valentine, and they was only half brothers at that, withnobody that they could look up to for anything more substantial thansympathy. So it was up to the step-aunt to do the rescue act.

  Well, Isabella has accumulated all kinds of dough; but she figures outthat the whole of one half brother was about all she wanted as asouvenir to take home from dear old England. She looks the two of 'emover for a day, tryin' to decide which to take, and then Purdy's'lasses coloured hair wins out against Valentine's brick dust bangs.She finds a job for Vally, a place where he can almost earn a livin',gives him a nice new prayer book and her blessin', and cuts him adriftin the fog. Then she grabs Purdy by the hand and catches the next boatfor New York.

  From then on it's all to the downy for Purdy, barrin' the fact that theold girl's more or less tryin' to the nerves. She buys herself adouble breasted house just off the avenue, gives Purdy the best thereis goin', and encourages him to be as ladylike as he knows how.

  And say, what would you expect? I'd hate to think of what I'd be nowif I'd been brought up on a course of dancin' school, music lessons,and Fauntleroy suits. What else was there for Purdy to do but learn todrink tea with lemon in it, and lead cotillions? Aunt Isabella's beentakin' on weight and losin' her hearin'. When she gets so that shecan't eat chicken salad and ice cream at one A. M. without rememberin'it for three days, and she has to buy pearls to splice out hernecklace, and have an extra wide chair put in her op'ra box, she beginsto sour on the merry-merry life, scratches half the entries on hervisitin' list, and joins old lady societies that meet once a month inthe afternoon.

  "Of course," says Purdy, "I had no objection to all that. It wasnatural. Only after she began to bring Anastasia around, and hint veryplainly what she expected me to do, I began to get desperate."

  "Stashy wa'n't exactly your idea of a pippin, eh?" says I.

  That was what. Accordin' to Purdy's shorthand notes, Stashy was one ofthese square chinned females that ought to be doin' a weight liftin'act with some tent show. But she wa'n't. She had too much out atint'rest for that, and as she didn't go in for the light and frivolousshe has to have something to keep her busy. So she starts out as alady preventer. Gettin' up societies to prevent things was her fad.She splurges on 'em, from the kind that wants to put mufflers onsteamboat whistles, to them that would like to button leggins on thestatues of G. Wash. For all that, though, she thinks it's her duty tomarry some man and train him, and between her and Aunt Isabella they'dpicked out Purdy for the victim.

  "While you'd gone and tagged some pink and white, mink lined DaisyMay?" says I.

  "I hadn't thought about getting married at all," says Purdy.

  "Then you might's well quit squirmin'," says I. "If you've got two ofthat kind plannin' out your future, there ain't any hope."

  Then we gets down to Valentine, the half brother that has been cutloose. Just as Purdy has given it to aunty straight that he'd ratherdrop out of two clubs and have his allowance cut in half, than tie upto any such tailor made article as Anastasia, and right in the middleof Aunt Isabella's gettin' purple faced and puffy eyed over it, alongcomes a lengthy letter from Valentine.

  It ain't any hard luck wheeze, either. He's no hungry prod., Vallyain't. He's been doin' some tall climbin', all these years thatPurdy's been collectin' pearl
stick pins and gold cigarette cases, andchangin' his clothes four times a day. Vally has jumped from one jobto another, played things clear across the board and the ends againstthe middle, chased the pay envelope almost off the edge of the map, andfinished somewhere on the east coast of Africa, where he bosses acouple of hundred coloured gentlemen in the original package, and makeseasy money by bein' agent for a big firm of London iv'ry importers.He'd been makin' a trip to headquarters with a cargo, and was on hisway back to the iv'ry fields, when the notion struck him to stop off inNew York and say howdy to Aunt Isabella and Brother Purd.

  "And she hasn't talked about anything but Valentine since," says Purdy.

  "It's Vally's turn to be it; eh?" says I.

  "You'd think so if you could hear them," says he. "Anastasia is justas enthusiastic."

  "You ain't gettin' jealous, are you?" says I.

  Purdy unreefs the sickliest kind of a grin you ever saw. "I was aspleased as anyone," says he, "until I found out the whole of AuntIsabella's plan."

  And say, it was a grand right and left that she'd framed up. Matin'Stashy up with Valentine instead of Purdy was only part. Her idea wasto induce Vally to settle down with her, and ship Purdy off to lookafter the iv'ry job.

  "Only fancy!" says Purdy. "It's a place called Bombazoula! Why, youcan't even find it on the chart. I'd die if I had to live in such adreadful place."

  "Is it too late to get busy and hand out the hot air to Stashy?" saysI. "Looks to me like it was either you for her, or Bombazoula for you."

  "Don't!" says Purdy, and he shivers like I'd slipped an icicle down hisback. Honest, he was takin' it so hard I didn't have the heart to rubit in.

  "Maybe Valentine'll renig--who knows?" says I. "He may be so stuck onAfrica that she can't call him off."

  "Oh, Aunt Isabella has thought of that," says he. "She is so provokedwith me that she will do everything to make him want to stay; and if Iremember Valentine, he'll be willing. Besides, who would want to livein Africa when they could stop in New York? But I do think she mighthave sent some one else after those snakes."

  "Oh, yes!" says I. "I'd clean forgot about them. Where do they figurein this?"

  "Decoration," says Purdy. "In my old rooms too!"

  Seems that Stashy and aunty had been reading up on Bombazoula, andthey'd got it down fine. Then they turns to and lays themselves out tofix things up for Valentine so homelike and comfortable that, even ifhe was ever so homesick for the jungle, like he wrote he was, hewouldn't want to go any farther.

  First they'd got a lot of big rubber trees and palms, and filled therooms full of 'em, with the floors covered with stage grass, and half adozen grey parrots to let loose. They'd even gone so far as to try tohire a couple of fake Zulus from a museum to come up and sing themoonrise song; so's Vally wouldn't be bothered about goin' to sleepnight. The snakes twinin' around the rubber trees was to add thefinishin' touch. Course, they wanted the harmless kind, that's hadtheir stingers cut out; but snakes of some sort they'd just got tohave, or else they knew it wouldn't seem like home to Valentine.

  "Just as though I cared whether he is going to feel at home or not!"says Purdy, real pettish. "By, Jove, Shorty! I've half a mind not todo it. So there!"

  "Gee!" says I. "I wouldn't have your temper for anything. Shall wesignal the driver to do a pivot and head her north?"

  "N-n-n-o," says Purdy, reluctant.

  And right there I gets a seventh son view of Aunt Isabella crackin' thecheckbook at Purdy, and givin' him the cold spine now and then bythreatenin' to tear up the will. From that on I feels differenttowards him. He'd got to a point where it was either please AuntIsabella, or get out and hustle; and how to get hold of real moneyexcept by shovin' pink slips at the payin' teller was part of hiseducation that had been left out. He was up against it for fair.

  "Say, Purdy," says I, "I don't want to interfere in any family matters;but since you've put it up to me, let me get this chunk of advice offmy mind: Long's you've got to be nice to aunty or go on a snowballdiet, I'd be nice and do it as cheerful as I could."

  Purdy thinks that over for a minute or so. Then he raps his cane onthe rubber mat, straightens up his shoulders, and says, "By Jove, I'lldo it! I'll get the snakes!"

  That wa'n't so easy, though, as I'd thought. Lefty White says he'ssorry, but he runs a mighty small stock of snakes in winter. He's gota fine line of spring goods on the way, though, and if we'll just leaveour order----

  "Ah, say, Lefty!" says I. "You give me shootin' pains. Here I goesand cracks up your joint as a first class snakery and all you can showis a few angleworms in bottles and a prospectus of what you'll havenext month."

  "Stuffed ones wouldn't do, eh?" says he.

  "Why not?" says I.

  Purdy wa'n't sure, but he thought he'd take a chance on 'em; so wepicked out three of the biggest and spottedest ones in the shop, andmakes Lefty promise to get 'em up there early next forenoon, forValentine was due to show up by dinner time next night.

  On the way back we talks it over some more, and I tries to chirk Purdyup all I could; for every time he thinks of Bombazoula he has ashiverin' fit that nearly knocks him out.

  "I could never stand it to go there," says he--"never!"

  "Here, here!" says I. "That's no way to meet a thing like this. Whatyou want to do is to chuck a bluff. Jump right into this receptionbusiness with both feet and let on you're tickled to death with theprospect. Aunty won't take half the satisfaction in shunting you offto the monkey woods if she thinks you want to go."

  Beats all what a little encouragement will do for some folks. By thetime Purdy drops me at the Studio he's feelin' a whole lot better, andis prepared to give Vally the long lost brother grip when he comes.

  But I was sorry for Purdy just the same. I could see him, over thereat Bombazoula, in a suit of lavender pajamas, tryin' to organise acotillion with a lot of heavy weight brunettes, wearin' brass rings intheir noses and not much else. And all next day I kept wonderin' ifAunt Isabella's scheme was really goin' to pan. So, when Purdy rushesin about four o'clock, and wants me to come up and take a look at thelayout, I was just about ripe for goin' to see the show.

  "But I hope we can shy aunty," says I. "Sometimes I get along withthese old battle axes first rate, and then again I don't; and whatlittle reputation you got left at home I don't want to queer."

  "Oh, that will be all right," says Purdy. "She has heard of you fromPinckney, and she knows about how you helped me to get the snakes."

  "Did they fit in?" says I.

  "Come up and see," says Purdy.

  And it was worth the trip, just to get a view of them rooms. Nobodybut a batty old woman would have ever thought up so many jungle stuntsfor the second floor of a brownstone front.

  "There!" says Purdy. "Isn't that tropical enough?"

  I took a long look. "Well," says I, "I've never been farther souththan Old Point, but I've seen such things pictured out before now, andif I'm any judge, this throws up a section of the cannibal belt to thelife."

  It did too. They had the dark shades pulled down, and the light waskind of dim; but you could see that the place was chock full of fernsand palms and such. The parrots was hoppin' around, and you could hearwater runnin' somewheres, and they'd trained them spotted snakes aroundthe rubber trees just as natural as if they'd crawled up there bythemselves.

  While we was lookin' Aunt Isabella comes puffin' up the stairs.

  "Isn't it just charming, Mr. McCabe?" says she, holdin' a hand upbehind one ear. "I can hardly wait for dear Valentine to come, I'm soanxious to see how pleased he'll be. He just dotes on jungle life.The dear boy! You must come up and take tea with him some afternoon.He's a very shy, diffident little chap; but----"

  At that the door bell starts ringin' like the house was afire, andbang! bang! goes someone's fist on the outside panel. Course, we allchases down stairs to see what's broke loose; but before we gets to thefront hall the butler has the door open, and i
n pushes a husky, redwhiskered party, wearin' a cloth cap, a belted ulster with four checksto the square yard, and carryin' an extension leather bag about thesize of a small trunk, with labels pasted all over it.

  "It's a blawsted shyme, that's w'at it is!" says he--"me p'yin' 'alf abob for a two shillin' drive. These cabbies of yours is a set ofbloomink 'iw'ymen!"

  "What name, sir?" says the butler.

  "Nime!" roars the whiskered gent. "I'm Valentine, that's who I am!Tyke the luggage, you shiverin' pie face!"

  "Oh, Valentine!" squeals Aunt Isabella, makin' a rush at him with herarms out.

  "Sheer off, aunty!" says he. "Cut out the bally tommyrot and let me'ave a wash. And sye, send some beggar for the brandy and soda.Where's me rooms?"

  "I'll show you up, Valentine," chips in Purdy.

  "'Ello! 'O's the little man?" says Vally. "Blow me if it ain't Purdy!Trot along up, Purdy lad, and show me the digs."

  Say, he was a bird, Vally was. He talks like a Cockney, acts like abounder, and looks 'em both.

  Aunt Isabella has dropped on the hall seat, gaspin' for breath, thebutler is leanin' against the wall with his mouth open; so I grabs thebag and starts up after the half brothers. Just by the peachblow tintof Vally's nose I got the idea that maybe the most entertainin' part ofthis whole program was billed to take place on the second floor.

  "Here you are," says Purdy, swingin' open the door and shovin' him in."Aunt Isabella has fixed things up homelike for you, you see."

  "And here's your trunk," says I. "Make yourself to home," and I shutshim in to enjoy himself.

  It took Valentine just about twenty seconds to size up the interiordecorations; for Purdy'd turned on the incandescents so's to give him agood view, and that had stirred up the parrots some. What I waswaitin' for was for him to discover the spotted snakes. I didn't thinkhe could miss 'em, for they was mighty prominent. Nor he didn't. Itwasn't only us heard it, but everyone else on the block.

  "Wow!" says he. "'Elp! 'Elp! Lemme out! I'm bein' killed!"

  That was Valentine, bellerin' enough to take the roof off, and clawin'around for the doorknob on the inside. He comes out as if he'd beenshot through a chute, his eyes stickin' out like a couple of peeledonions, an' a grey parrot hangin' to one ear.

  "What's the trouble?" says Purdy.

  "Br-r-r!" says Valentine, like a clogged steam whistle. "Where's thenearest 'orspital? I'm a sick man! Br-r-r-r!"

  With that he starts down the stairs, takin' three at a time, boltsthrough the front door, and makes a dash down the street, yellin' likea kid when a fire breaks out.

  Purdy and me didn't have any time to watch how far he went, for AuntIsabella had keeled over on the rug, the maid was havin' a fit in theparlour, and the butler was fannin' himself with the card tray. We hadto use up all the alcohol and smellin' salts in the house before wecould bring the bunch around. When aunty's so she can hold her head upand open her eyes, she looks about cautious, and whispers:

  "Has--has he gone, Purdy, dear?"

  Purdy says he has.

  "Then," she says to me, "bolt that door, and never mention his name tome again."

  Everything's lovely now. Purdy's back to the downy, and Bombazoula'swiped off the map for good.

  And say! If you're lookin' for a set of jungle scenery and stuffedsnakes, I know where you can get a job lot for the askin'.