The Rocker That Holds Her (The Rocker...)

I didn’t think I was going to get over my mom’s death. Even with my band brothers and Emmie to help me through it all, I was still having a difficult time over two months later. She had been special, a one of a kind loving person, and I felt cheated that she was gone.

  Being so out of it I didn’t notice how sick Emmie was until I heard her throwing up on the tour bus one morning. At first I thought it was Drake because he was always in there first thing in the morning emptying his system of the poison he had filled it with the night before. So it came as a shock when I saw Emmie coming out of the bathroom a few minutes after I heard the toilet flush.

  I didn’t say anything right away. After all, I wasn’t sure if it was something serious or not. When I mentioned it to Jesse later that morning he looked disturbed. We talked and I started putting a few things together. Emmie was sleeping all the time and she had lost weight, not to mention the mood swings that I hadn’t questioned until now. When I looked at her a few hours later I saw that she was skin and bones, and she hadn’t had any weight to lose to begin with.

  Jesse and I cornered her that afternoon as the bus drove toward another city for yet another concert. We were all burnt out, and I suspected that the heavy pace was taking it’s toll on Emmie just as much as it was the rest of us. Maybe more. We didn’t really think about what she had to do to keep our lives simple. She was always taking care of something, planning ahead so that everything ran smoothly for us. We were taking the summer off, having our first vacation since we had hit it big. Just a few more days, two more concerts in Galveston, and we were headed to Florida for three full months.

  Emmie being Emmie, she pointedly refused to go see a doctor at first. When Jesse told her just how worried we were, she reluctantly gave in. It shouldn’t have bothered me when she agreed for him, but it did. And when she crawled onto his lap to comfort him because he was so worried, I saw red for a minute.

  I had to sit there and watch them. Emmie was wrapped around Jesse like she belonged in his arms. It felt like a punch directly to the chest, but after a few minutes of hating my best friend I realized that no matter how I felt all I really wanted was for Em to be happy. If Jesse was what she wanted, I would step aside and let her have him.

  I prayed that wasn’t the case though. It was getting harder and harder to hide how I was feeling. A song had been scrambling around my brain for a few weeks now and I knew that I had to get it out. Maybe, just maybe, once I had the song ready and Emmie heard it she would realize that I loved her…

  Perhaps she would be able to come to love me too.

  When Emmie fell asleep in Jesse’s lap, I had to get up. I couldn’t watch them sleeping together. Walking through the moving tour bus, I went straight through the sleeping quarters without stopping. Shane and Drake were already asleep, taking up one set of the bunks. I could have climbed onto the top bunk on the other side, which was my usual bed anyway, but I wanted to feel closer to Emmie.

  She always took the front of the bus. It was her own space and we usually respected it as hers. Her computer was on the long table in front of the couch that she normally slept on, and there were a dozen different papers scattered around the computer. I stretched out on the couch on my stomach, hugging her pillow under my head. Breathing deep, I took in the scent of her shampoo—lavender and vanilla.

  It gave me a little peace from the ache seeing her with Jesse caused, as well as the nagging worry I felt after opening my eyes to just how sick she was now. A few lines from the song I was working on clouded my brain, and I hummed the lyrics a few times as I slowly drifted to sleep.

  Gentle yet firm hands pushed on my shoulder. I turned over, still half asleep until I felt Emmie snuggle against my bare chest. She put her head on my chest and closed her eyes. My heart swelled as I wrapped her safely in my arms. Tenderly, I brushed a kiss over her forehead, breathing in her sweet scent.

  “You don’t know how happy you just made me,” I whispered, knowing that she was already asleep and couldn’t hear me.

  --

  As soon as the song was finished I knew I had to sing it. Emmie had to know what I was feeling and I needed her to know before we started our vacation. I didn’t want to spend the entire summer hiding how much I needed her.

  Tonight was our last concert and I was nervous. Not even during our very first concert had I felt so nervous. I went through the song with Drake several times backstage, and he was giving me some pretty evil looks when he realized just what the new song was about. I ignored him.

  When we took the stage, I promised the audience a new song later in the night just so I wouldn’t chicken out and not perform it after all. Greedy for new material from us, I knew our fans wouldn’t let me forget.

  With the lights flashing and bouncing to the beat of Jesse’s drumming, I was a little blind to what was happening on the sidelines of the stage. I knew Emmie was standing just out of sight and from time to time I would get a glance of her as she paced while she handled business with her phone. The concert was only a few songs from being over, and I was determined that the next song was going to be for Emmie.

  Still singing Ashes, I glanced toward where I had last seen her.

  I nearly stumbled over the words when I saw her kissing Axton. My heart felt like it was going to explode, my eyes clouded with rage, and it was only because I knew the song so well that I was able to finish the fucking thing. Terrified that I was too late, that Axton was the one she wanted, I rushed to get the next song set up.

  Unable to bring myself to look in Emmie and Axton’s direction again. I couldn’t help but wonder what Axton was even doing in Galveston. I knew that he should have been in California with Gabriella Moreitti since they were supposed to be an item now. It pissed me off that he had dropped in right when I was about to make my move.

  Drake sat on a stool beside of me with his acoustic guitar and the lights dimmed around us. I took a deep breath, determined that I wasn’t about to let my fucking friend ruin what I hoped to achieve.

  You forced my lonely and cold heart to beat

  No longer waiting in the shadows resigned to the same defeat.

  Now there is an Ember that has sparked a flame,

  Bringing me back to life with just a smile.

  I was sure that Jesse and Shane were lost, knowing that I wrote only from my soul and life experience. With each line I sang I felt tenser and had to fight with myself not to look toward Emmie. Somehow I got through the song, my chest shaking from how hard my heart was beating.

  Finally it was all over. As soon as Drake played the last cord I was off the stool and rushing backstage, ready to face Emmie’s reaction to the song.

  She was gone. There was no sign of her or Axton, and my heart dropped to the ground. But as I stood there, glancing around for the girl that I was stupidly in love with, the disappointment turned to anger. I wasn’t sure who I was angrier with. Emmie for not noticing before how much I loved her, or myself for not telling her sooner.

  Now she was off with Axton, doing only gods knew what, and I was left feeling empty.

  Muttering a curse, I stomped off. I didn’t care where I went, just as long as I got away from everyone. I hated the world, the universe. I thought of hooking up with some random girl, taking her back to the hotel and making sure that Emmie knew that I wasn’t going to keep wasting my time waiting for her to open those beautiful green eyes.

  By the time I got to the hotel my phone had started ringing. Seeing it was Axton, I decided to turn it off. I didn’t need him rubbing it in my face that he had gotten what I wanted. That shithead knew exactly how I felt about Emmie and hadn’t thought twice to use it against me.

  Like always, there was the usual line of groupies hanging out by the rear of the hotel. They were the hopefuls that hadn’t gotten to see the concert but were still determined to warm one of our beds for the night. The idea to hook up was squashed, however, even as I started to take my pick.

  I couldn’t do it. The thought of touching someone that wasn
’t Emmie made my stomach cramp and I turned away. Up in my room I ordered a bottle of whiskey and some food. The whiskey kept my attention diverted for a good hour, and I was feeling more than a little mellow when I decided to turn on my phone.

  If Emmie was off with Axton having fun then I was going to ruin it. The phone took it’s time rebooting and I was about to bring up Emmie’s name when the amount of missed calls from Axton popped up on the screen. I knew that Axton wouldn’t have been calling that much unless it was seriously important. The guy had better things to do, more stupid ass pranks to play.

  My stomach was in knots as I listened to the first message:

  “Where the fuck are you? I have Emmie at the emergency room. She’s seriously sick, man. Come here as soon as you get this!”

  My feet were moving even as the next message started playing automatically. “What is the matter with you fuckheads? Emmie is sick and you idiots are off getting laid! Some family you are.”

  “They won’t tell me what’s wrong because I’m not family. Get here. NOW!” The third message ended and the fourth started. “Alright, Armstrong. I see how it is. You don’t really care at all, huh? All those drunken confessions of loving Em were just bullshit. Well, I’m not so stupid. If you won’t step up and take care of her, I fucking will. She likes me, you know.”

  I nearly crushed my phone as I hit the end button, deleting all of the other messages without listening. Instead of letting his words get the better of me, I tried to stay focused. I had to find the guys, get to the hospital, and make sure that Emmie was okay.

  By the time I found the others and we got to the hospital, more than two hours had passed since the first phone call. Axton was standing by the entrance, his phone still to his ear as he tried to call Jesse’s number again. The relief that was on his face when we stepped out of the taxi was evident. It only made my fear and anxiety level rise.

  “About fucking time, dickwads!” he exploded and punched me in the arm.

  “How is she?” Jesse demanded before I could ask.

  Axton shook his head. “She was unconscious when we got here, but she’s stable now. They gave her fluids and the doctor was talking to her the last time I peeked in.”

  “Thanks for helping her. You can go now,” I told him, not caring that I was acting like a bastard. I should have been shaking my friend’s hand, thanking him on my knees for taking Emmie to the hospital when she had needed help.

  “So you can take over? Looks like you haven’t been doing such a good job so far.” The rock god’s eyes darkened, looking almost menacing. “I think I’ll stay. Maybe finish what we started earlier tonight when she let me kiss her.”

  I could picture my fist connecting with his jaw, imagined the bone breaking. As I started to take a step toward the prick to do just that, Jesse grabbed my arm and pulled me toward the door. “Thanks, Ax!”

  Shane was already asking a nurse which room Emmie was in. “Are you a family member?”

  Drake nodded his head, answering for his brother. “Yes, ma’am. Em is our sister.” The lie was something that slipped off the tip of their tongues easily. From the time Emmie had come to live with us that was what we told most people. For me, it had been a harder pill to swallow when saying those words.

  The nurse didn’t question either Shane or Drake. She just glanced down at her iPad and then gave them her room number. I kept a few paces back from my friends as we rushed toward her room. I was still seething after the encounter with Axton.

  A doctor was sitting beside Emmie’s bed when we entered her room. She was deathly pale and all thoughts of destroying Axton or being angry at Emmie evaporated. Gods, she looked so small lying in the hospital bed. She was covered with a blanket to her waist, and an IV with rapidly dripping fluids was attached to one of her arms. I could see the wires from what I could only guess was a heart monitor, and I felt like I was going to vomit.

  So close. So fucking close! I … We had nearly lost her.

  Oh, dammit all to hell. I had nearly lost her. There I had admitted it to myself.

  The guys were apologizing to Emmie. We should have gotten here sooner. We should have been the ones that had taken her to the hospital in the first place. Axton was right. We hadn’t been taking good enough care of Emmie.

  I turned my full attention on the doctor, determined to find out exactly what was going on with Emmie and how to make her better. My fear was that it was some kind of cancer, but we had the money to take care of her. I had seen the effects of it with Liam Bryant’s sister, Marissa, and knew that as sick as Emmie had been it could very well be the same thing.

  The first question was going to be the hardest, but I manned up and asked. “What’s wrong with her?” The second question was just as important and I needed to know it more than the first, if for no other reason than to save my sanity. “Is she going to be alright?”

  The doctor, a man that looked barely older than me or the others, glanced down at Emmie for a brief moment before clearing his throat. It wasn’t lost on me that he appeared to be intimidated by the four of us. I knew that we could look like scary fuckers. Truth was the doctor had every reason to be intimidated. With the exception of Emmie, we didn’t give a fuck about anything or anyone. We were bastards. And if this doctor thought about standing in our way, none of us would think twice about fucking him up.

  “She came in severely dehydrated,” the doctor informed us and went on to explain that he was keeping her overnight for observations, but he had no idea what was wrong with Emmie.

  Jesse went off, demanded the idiot doctor get off his ass and do some tests. When Emmie linked her fingers with his and calmed him down almost immediately, jealousy reared its head for the second time that night, and I had to look away.

  The doctor suggested that we leave and I was glad that Shane was the one to speak up because I knew I would have taken the doctor’s head off if I had to do it. There was no fucking way we were leaving her now! The doctor was talking under his breath to himself when he left.

  Emmie was sandwiched between two huge men as Drake and Jesse hugged her tight. I don’t know why I wasn’t jealous of Drake, or even Shane. Maybe it was because Drake had risked so much—and lost even more—to protect Emmie when we were younger. I knew he and his brother would never, ever touch Emmie.

  Jesse on the other hand? Jealousy ate me up. It made me hate the man that had been my best friend for nearly my whole life. Hating Jesse left me feeling almost as empty as loving Emmie did.

  “You should have seen a doctor before now,” Jesse scolded.

  “It was nothing. I’m fine now.” Emmie tried to making it sound like she hadn’t almost died tonight.

  Hearing her make light out of something that could have ended differently in a horrible way if Axton hadn’t been around was the last straw. All of my emotions, everything from the nervousness of singing that stupid song, to the jealousy and hurt at seeing her with Axton started to boil over.

  I couldn’t hold it all in a second longer. “It isn’t nothing!” I kicked the little round rolling chair across the room, not caring that it bounced against the opposite wall. I found myself raking my fingers through my hair and pulling on the ends. “Axton said you were unconscious when he got you here. Unconscious Emmie! Don’t you understand how fucking serious this is? Has it slipped your attention that people die from dehydration?”

  When she just stared up at me with her big green eyes wide with surprise I lost it on a whole new level. She looked so small in that fucking bed, so sick and still so goddamned beautiful. I turned away from her and my band brothers and took all my pain and frustration out on the wall as I punched it.

  The wall was cement or some other stone. It broke the skin on my knuckles and the ache that shot through my hand and up my arm did nothing to pull my mind from the turmoil it was in now. Leaning on the wall that I had just tried to destroy, I let my tears fall.

  Behind me the room was in almost complete silence, except for the constant p
acing of Shane and my deep breathing.

  “Nik …” Emmie’s voice was soft, gently commanding me to face her. I could no more deny her than stop breathing. Scrubbing my throbbing hand over my damp face, I turned around. Jesse and Drake were still on either side of her, but she held her arms out to me. My heart jumped. She wanted me to hold her?

  My feet took me over to her before I could even comprehend that I was walking. Drake moved aside and I dropped carefully down on the edge of her hospital bed. Her arms and hands were cold as they wrapped around me and she pulled my head to her chest. “I’m okay,” she whispered in my ear, and I couldn’t keep from shuddering. I needed her reassurance and soothing touch. “I’m here.”

  A sob escaped me before I could call it back, and I held onto her tight. “I’m sorry, Emmie,” I told her, silently begging her to forgive me. “I’m so sorry.”

  Chapter 9

  What. The. FUCK!

  Sleeping in a chair beside of Emmie’s bed in her private room wasn’t the worst place I had ever fallen asleep. Still, it wasn’t anywhere close to being comfortable, and I woke with a stiff neck and a desperate need for coffee.

  The night before flashed through my mind like a bad dream, and I opened my eyes to find Emmie holding Jesse’s hand. I refused to let my jealousy get the better of me today, so I offered to get coffee. Standing, I let myself have the small comfort of kissing her on the forehead and asked if she needed anything. When she asked for a lemon-lime soft drink, I promised her I would find her one and gave in to my need for just one more touch of my lips to the soft skin on her forehead.

  The nurse that had practically been salivating at the sight of Shane the night before showed me where the vending machines were before her shift ended. Somehow I carried the four cups of coffee and the soft drink back down to Emmie’s room without burning myself. Drake and Shane were up and moving around by the time I got back.

  Despite the four bags of fluids that had been pushed into Emmie through the IV in her arm, she was beyond thirsty. No sooner had I handed over her drink she had gulped it down. After years of spending time with nasty rockers she was a pro at belching and didn’t bother to keep one in after swallowing half her drink.