Beautiful Ink

  “Can I go with you to the shop?” I ask her.

  “Do you think you should, hon? I am not so sure that’s a good idea. You look to be in too much pain.”

  “Please, Diamond. I can’t stay here. I need to get out.”

  “Let me help you wash your hair and get dressed and we will see how you feel. Okay?”

  I nod. My knees tremble as Diamond helps me to stand, my body entirely too weak.

  “Have you eaten?”

  I shake my head.

  “I am going to tar and feather that boy. Hold,” she yells. “Get your ass in here.”

  He must have been close because it takes only seconds for him to find us.

  “Get her something to eat and drink,” she says, glaring at him.

  If looks could kill, he would be dead, between Diamond and me. She lets me go for only a second to turn the water on. Diamond helps me undress before gently helping me bathe and wash my hair. She finds a loose sundress that falls to the ground, covering my wounds. Diamond mommies me, making sure I finish my entire sandwich and milk.

  “You know, I really missed you when you left. I sorta thought of you as the daughter I never had,” she says, sitting next to me on the bed while brushing my hair.

  “It was last minute. You know I couldn’t have told you anyway,” I say, glancing over at her.

  “Don’t think I didn’t know how much you protected me by keeping your mouth shut. I realized too late just how much you needed to talk to someone. I wish I could have been there more for you,” she says, her voice hiccupping at the end.

  I don’t want to talk about this. I can’t. “Diamond, let’s go to the shop.” I stand, showing her that I am fine now, not letting her see how I’m dying on the inside from the welts rubbing against my clothing.

  “Are you sure?” She rises to stand next to me.

  “Yes. Please,” I say, turning to hobble out of the bedroom. The hallway leads directly to the front door, but I am stopped by Hold stepping in front of me.

  “Where do you think you’re going?”

  “I need to get out of the house. Diamond is going to take me to the shop.”

  “It’s not safe,” he says, shaking his head. “Not gonna happen.”

  “You said I was fine with the club now. Which is it? Do I need to stay here in hiding?”

  “There’s more to it, Hels. You can’t leave the house without me or one of the prospects.”

  “Is this your rule or your daddy’s rule? Just let me know exactly who the man of the house is,” I say sarcastically.

  “It’s my goddamn rule, because I don’t trust you,” he says, getting right up in my face. “And give me an hour of your time and I’ll show you exactly who your daddy is.”

  I don’t miss the flash of sexual heat in his eyes. He is still intensely attracted to me. The thought hits me that this is how I will be without Luke. I may find someone else one day, but it will never be the same intensity I feel when I am with him. Diamond was wrong all those years ago. Love makes all the difference.

  Hold backs me against the far wall and I cry out as the pain flares from the contact on my abraded skin.

  “Kiss me, Hels, and I’ll let you go with D,” he says, his lips inches away from mine.

  “No,” I say through gritted teeth. “They’ve made you into a monster, just like them. My Hold is gone. You’re a monster,” I whisper, flinching when I remember feeling him behind me. “You liked what you did to me. You got a hard on.”

  He shakes his head vehemently. “No. No. I was hard at seeing your beautiful body again, the first time in four long fuckin’ years. I hated what I did. I hated letting all those men see my girl’s body. I almost lost my fuckin’ mind that they were whistling and disrespecting you. I saw the perversion in Sandman’s eyes, the satisfaction in Ward’s, and I wanted to turn the belt against them. I was their fuckin’ little bitch. They had me up against the fuckin’ wall, Hels, my balls in a fuckin’ vise.”

  His arms cage me in as he places them on the wall behind me. The remorse in his voice and the pain in his eyes, hammer at my already damaged soul. I’m angry with him and confused at the same time.

  “I know what I’ve done, what I’ve lost. All that ink on your body is my fault, and now so are the scars on your back. I loved you but I wouldn’t turn my back on the club for you and it’s cost me, big time. I’m seein’ that now. I may have gotten you back physically but I’ve forever lost your love… the only love I’ve ever wanted… needed.” He drops to his knees and embraces me, his shoulders shuddering.

  My hands are held up and away from him, in a defensive position as I look toward D. She’s standing with her hand clapped over her mouth, astonished at Hold’s breakdown. The door opens and a guy pops his shaggy blonde head in. “Everything okay, boss?”

  Without hesitating, I shout at him, “Get the fuck out!” I don’t want him or anyone else to see Hold on his knees. When the door closes, I try to center myself, marshal my resources. I try to remember the boy I loved, the boy who saved me, who always put me first. The boy with the blue eyes. I comb my fingers through his dark hair, his face buried in my stomach as he weeps. “Right now, I hate you, Holden; I hate your guts,” I softly whisper into the silence that surrounds us. “But somewhere deep inside where I can’t reach her, is the girl who loved you more than life itself. That’s the best I can do for you today. And it is way more than you deserve from me.”

  Minutes pass, precious seconds that slip once again through my fingers because of what the MC has directly cost me. The tears never come. Hold pulls back and quickly stands, turning away to wipe his eyes against the crook of his arm.

  “Let me grab my cut. I can go with you,” he says, replacing his emotionless mask as he reaches for his cut.

  “No,” I say, knowing I need some space from him right at this moment.

  He turns around at my answer to stare at me. “What do you mean, no?”

  “I need time away from all of this. From you,” I say, my eyes not leaving his.

  “You made a choice,” he says, his fury barely contained.

  “I had no choice!” I yell loudly back at him. The front door opens, once again interrupting us, as the prospect comes inside this time to investigate the noise. He is tall and skinny, with long, blonde, curly hair, and wire-frame glasses. He definitely looks out of place in the MC.

  “Everything okay?” He looks from Hold to me.

  “Everything is fine, Shady. I need you to take Hels, and follow Diamond over to Hard Ink for the day,” Hold says, angrily staring at me.

  “Gotcha, boss,” he says, almost shaking in his boots.

  I hobble out of the house, with Diamond and Shady on my heels. God! I am not ever going to be afraid of Hold like Shady. He can beat me every damn day. I stop, not sure whose vehicle I’m supposed to get in.

  “Which one,” I say, looking at Shady.

  “Uh, my truck is over there,” he says, pointing to a compact low-rider.

  I look from him to the truck, wondering how he squeezes his height into that tiny vehicle.

  “I’ll follow you guys,” Diamond says, already heading to her car.

  My curiosity as to how he fits in the truck is soon answered when I carefully get in the passenger side to see him sitting down with his head tilting sideways. It rests awkwardly against the ceiling. When he cranks the engine, it is obvious where he spends his money and why he endures the discomfort. We drive in silence for most of the way, when I feel the need to ask a question.

  “What kind of nickname is Shady?”

  “Um, well… it’s after the rapper, you know, Slim Shady, and plus I am kind of slim,” he says, blushing ten different shades of red. His glasses slide down on his long nose and I watch him nudge them back up with his finger.

  He hits a bump in the road and the truck bounces, the jolt magnified by the low-rider. I whimper when my body jerks against the seat, sparking painful twinges from the welts covering me.

  “A
re you… uh, okay?”

  It dawns on me that he probably witnessed the entire event the other night. I am embarrassed at the thought of this guy seeing me nude and being abused. What must he think of me, that I let someone beat the hell out of me and then go home with him to sleep in his bed? What type of perverted fuck enjoys that? The more I think about it, the angrier I get.

  “So did you enjoy the show the other night?” I ask, taking my frustrations out on Slim the shady dude.

  “Y-Yes… uh… no, I mean… n-n-no,” he says, his stuttering getting worse by the minute.

  “Is that a yes, you saw Hold beat the shit out of me, or no, out of the goodness of what’s left of your heart, you turned away? Which is it?” I know I am being uncharacteristically bitchy, but I can’t help myself.

  He stares at the road ahead, choosing to ignore my question. I think about goading him to answer me, but the fight just drains from my body. It’s hard to be this tired and I’m in emotional overload. I am glad when we finally arrive at Hard Ink. In minutes, I’ll be back inside the place where I learned the trade that would save me all these years, comforting me, and showing me there is so much beauty in this dreary life.

  I step out of the truck and slowly move inside the shop with Diamond beside me. As I walk in, I note that nothing has changed. It’s almost as if the years froze everything in place. Badger looks up and even smiles at me the way he used to, when I would come into the shop after school.

  “Glad to have you home, kiddo,” he says, returning to the customer he is tattooing.

  Several of the other guys say their hellos. I don’t sense any hostility, but my own builds inside of me. All of these assholes, including Badger, stood by and watched what Hold did to me. This life isn’t right. It’s not sane. I ignore them all. Why did I want to come here?

  Diamond leads me back to her station and pulls up a chair.

  “Sit,” she says, pointing to it.

  “I can’t stay here,” I say, the tears threatening to slip from my tired eyes. All my instincts scream run. I glance up to look out of the front windows. People walk past the shop like everything is fine, ignorant to the evil that resides in and infects this town. Or do they know and not care? My hands tremble as I pick at my dress, staring outside.

  A policeman casually walks by, glancing into the shop. Something about him makes me think of Luke, and my heart stutters. Volatile emotions steamroll my senses: fiercely missing him wars with the sharp hurt of his failure to come find me. I watch the policeman look around before his eyes land on me and, for one second, I think he looks surprised, but then he keeps on walking, pretending like everyone else not to see me.

  “Hels, you have nowhere else to go, honey. They will hunt you down like before and next time we both know what happens. There is no coming back. Is that what you want?” Diamond pats my knee, trying to comfort me the only way she knows how.

  “This life will kill me either way. Do you honestly think I am going to stay here and play housewife to Hold? No,” I reply, shaking my head.

  “Listen, you can find your own happiness separate from him. You just play their game, Hels. There is so much that you can get out of this life if you’re smart about it,” she says, lowering her voice so that only I can hear her.

  “I tried that and it doesn’t work for me. He hurt me, D,” I say, showing her the pain in my eyes. “You saw what he did. I don’t care if Ward was going to kill me. Hold had no right, no right.”

  “Well, it looks like the bitch is back in town,” Sage says, walking into the shop, interrupting us. She strolls up to stand in front of Diamond and myself, pushing her sunglasses back to rest on top of her head.

  Sage hasn’t changed one bit. And by the fire in her eyes, I can tell she isn’t happy to see me.

  “Sage,” Diamond says, in a warning tone as she stands. “You need to leave.”

  “I’ll leave when I am good and damn ready. Now step aside so that I can see my future daughter-in-law,” she says, staring Diamond down. “Move your skinny ass, Big D.”

  Diamond glances back at me apologetically before stepping to the side.

  “Hello, Sage,” I say, looking up at her.

  “Hels, it’s been awhile,” she says.

  “Not nearly long enough,” I reply, not hiding the acerbic tone of my words.

  “Feeling’s mutual, sweetie. Now, I am here to make sure that you understand that I don’t care about anything other than Hold. If you hurt my boy again, you will deal with me. And I promise you’ll wish you were dealing with Ward if it comes to that.”

  I laugh.

  “I don’t find any of this fuckin’ funny,” she says, glaring daggers at me.

  “Your son made me strip in front of the entire MC before beating the hell out of me. Do you honestly think you can come in here and threaten me? Really? Death is almost a welcome relief. What possibly can you do to me that would hurt me any more than what I have already suffered at the hands of your family?”

  “Sage, leave the girl alone,” Badger says, standing behind her.

  Sage continues to glare at me, a bitter laugh the only sound in the room. “This is far from over, baby girl.” She shakes her head before turning to walk out. We all remain silent as we watch her get into her SUV and drive away.

  “Well, I guess you win the award for bitchiest mother-in-law ever,” Diamond says.

  Everyone goes back to working, while I sit and watch Diamond tattoo her next customer. I can’t let Sage’s words bother me. For the next hour, I lose myself in watching her ink out a beautiful phoenix rising from the ashes. I have grown so much as an artist since I left, not realizing it until now. The outline needs to be a little bolder and I see areas of her shading that need a little more work. The client will not realize it, only seeing the beauty she is creating, but it makes me proud to know that I have progressed as a person and artist, something that would not have happened if I didn’t run that day.

  “Shit! We got trouble,” Shady says, interrupting everyone in the shop.

  I glance up, looking out of the windows to see a local cop car and a black Jeep Grand Cherokee park across the street from the shop. The police vehicle doesn’t have its flashing red and blue lights turned on. An officer slowly gets out of the car, waiting for whoever is behind the Jeep’s darkly tinted windows to exit.

  We all stand to look outside, waiting to see exactly what is going on. Finally, the door to the Jeep opens and out steps its sole occupant. I gasp, my heart lodging securely in my throat. My hands fly to my chest. Luke.

  He came. Shit! With the police. What was he thinking? I watch him walk over to speak with the officer.

  I run toward the front door. Badger yells for someone to call Hold, while Shady steps in front of me, effectively blocking my exit.

  “I have to wait and see wh-what Hold wants to do,” he says, pleading with his eyes for me to listen.

  “Don’t be stupid, Helen. You don’t want to get another person killed, do you?” Badger stands beside me, looking outside.

  His words wash over me, chilling me to the bone, halting my forward progress. He is telling the absolute truth.

  “I have to see what he wants. You don’t want them coming into the shop, Badger. You’ve got customers.”

  He pauses, taking a deep breath before nodding. “Shady, follow her outside.”

  I take a deep breath, steeling myself for whatever is to come. He might not be here for me. And even if he is, Badger is right. I can’t think of all that now. I step through the door to the outside.

  The sun shines overhead, highlighting the white clouds that float lazily across the clear blue sky. Birds chirp in the distance making everything seem peaceful in Harmony. The sidewalk is empty of anyone save me and Shady, who stands behind me, blocking the doorway. Luke has his back to me, still speaking to the local cop. I watch as he stops, and turns his head slowly to look behind him.

  Our eyes meet, my plain brown to his russet-colored ones. Every single cell in
my body calls for him. Damn him! I have never felt such a love; it connects and binds us completely. I feel the pain of him seeing me like this.

  “Motherfuckers! What did they do to you?” He yells, jogging toward me, stopping only short of running into me.

  At his words, I remember my face. My hand rises to my cheek, barely touching it. I remember seeing the pale green bruising from my mouth across my cheekbone in the mirror this morning. Not exactly the look I would like to be wearing to see him again.

  “I’m fine,” I say, lost for an explanation. I can’t tell him what happened. It could get us both killed.

  “You’re sure as shit not fine. Tell me what happened, Kell…” he stops when he realizes what he is calling me. “This is a mess.” He rubs his hand over his heart, where both of his tattoos reside.

  I’m not sure if it’s on purpose, or an automatic response.

  “My name is Helen. And your name is Luke,” I say, my voice not hiding the overwhelming hurt of his deceit.

  “I never wanted to cause you any pain. From the very beginning it felt wrong to lie to you. Every single damn time, it became infinitely harder to look you in the eyes. I have worked undercover for years and never have I wished so badly that my cover be blown. It was killing me.”

  “You slept with me, knowing it was only false pretenses between us,” I whisper. I don’t miss that we have an audience. Badger now stands beside Shady and opposite them is the police officer, both parties observing our conversation. “Was that part of your job?” I am dying to know.

  “Helen, I…” he says, looking away.

  No! I see the truth in his eyes before he turns from me. When he glances back, his eyes are slightly glassy.

  “I was to obtain information by any means necessary. That is my job wherever I go, Helen. But from the first time, it was never like that with you. And you damn well know it,” he says, stepping forward to whisper into my ear. “You stole my heart. I already knew your background, guessed the hell you probably went through, and I watched you keep on fighting to have something normal. You appreciated every scrap of happiness that came your way. And, God, I wanted to give you more than you could handle.”