Ruining You

  “Do you still ache from the emptiness inside or is it filled in with pain?” he whispers into my ear, letting his lips linger against my face.

  God! See. He knows me better than anyone else. I didn’t have to tell him. I never have. Nodding my head, I let it drop forward, and I feel his tongue trace across my neck. I try to jerk away, but he tightens his grip.

  “Do you want this?” he says, grinding his hard pelvis into my backside. “Is that why you called?”

  Drawing a groan of longing from inside of me, he pulls me closer, and my eyes flutter shut. Shaking my head, I finally say, “No. Please, I don’t want to use you.” He lets go, and I stumble forward, almost falling to my knees.

  I turn to see the fires of lust burning bright within his eyes; I know that look. It has burnt me a time or two. “I’m sorry. Maybe I shouldn’t have called you.”

  “Why did you call me, Jay? Did you want to get high? Forget for a little while? I mean, that is your usual M.O. when you call. What an idiot to think it was me you wanted to see.”

  “I did call you to forget my life for a while and to escape, but I wanted to see you too. Everything became too much, and I guess, I fell back on old habits. My life is so complicated. I’m sorry.” I turn to walk out the door when he grabs my hand.

  “Please don’t leave. I was a dick. I told you several times to call me if you needed to get away. Damn, I fall back into our old shit just as easy. Turn around, please?”

  Looking back, I zero in on him worrying his lip ring with his teeth. I can’t help but think how sexy that is. Attraction has never been mine or Rhye’s problem. Maybe this was a bad idea.

  “Don’t leave, tell me what you want.” His voice pleads. “Your eyes say ‘me’, but something tells me your mind is screaming something else.”

  “No, my mind is pretty much in agreement with my eyes,” I say, only to quickly add when I see his pupils dilate, “but, I can’t. Not now anyway.”

  Rubbing his hands over his face, he sighs, “Okay, sit. Let’s just talk.”

  He pretty much drags me back over to the couch and pulls me down to sit next to him. Picking up my beer, he starts chugging it until it’s gone. “What happened today?”

  “I went to visit Mrs. Higgins, and let’s just say that Kip wasn’t happy to see me.”

  “Actually, I had to shut his drunk ass up a time or two these past couple of months when he ran his mouth at the bar. Sucks that you had to hear that.”

  “Yeah, it did. You know, I’ve tried my best to deal with what happened. I had to let JT go to get past everything, but it’s so hard seeing the pain that it has caused Kip.”

  “Kip is an asshole,” he replies.

  “Doesn’t mean that he deserves to go through this hell. He loved his brother.”

  “So what? You can’t change what happened. You move on, deal with things that you can change, and let the rest of the shit go.”

  I nod. He’s right. Beating myself up for how Kip feels doesn’t fix anything. It only brings me to emotional places that I don’t need to be.

  “Want to get high?” he asks.

  It’s why I thought I came here, but maybe not. I needed a friend, and well, I found an old true one.

  “No, I just came to talk to a friend.” I smile at him.

  “Oh, don’t get all high and mighty on me now.”

  Laughing at him, I reply, “I’m sure we’ll do that soon enough. So, have you heard anything else from the record label?”

  “Fuck no, but hey, I still have the local paying job, and that’s better than nothing.”

  “You’ll make it. I know you will. You will have so many chicks falling all over you.”

  Rolling his eyes, he startles me when he says, “Shut up, Jay. I don’t want ‘chicks’ falling all over me. I get that shit now. I only want one certain girl to open her eyes and finally see what has always been in front of her.” Standing up, he pounds his chest, “Me...Jay. Me.”

  “Rhye, my head is so messed up.”

  “Newsflash, Jay. Your head has been fucked up for years. You’ve went through hell and back. Nothing is ever going to be normal. Quit trying so hard. Damn. Just live your life for yourself. Isn’t that what you did before when we were together? Think about it. I know there were times you were happy. When you didn’t care what anyone thought and just did what made you smile.”

  “Yeah, well newsflash for you Rhye. I also didn’t care about who I did it with. That’s if you want me to be honest.”

  Placing his face against mine, he sneers, “Honest? You want to be honest? You’re a walking contradiction. You want freedom, but you want it bound and restricted.” Narrowing his eyes, he continues, “All wrapped up in a nice little bow. Damn you! I tried to give you up, but I’m fucking addicted like a cracked out junky.” He sighs loudly.

  “I’m sorry, Rhye. I do care about you.”

  “How do you care about me? Do you see yourself ever being with me?”

  “Maybe. I don’t know.”

  “I’ve seen that guy, Kane, out with other girls recently, so I know he’s out of the picture. Is there anyone else?”

  “Yes Rhye...me! I need to figure out me, before I can give myself to anyone else.” I can’t handle this anymore. This time I shrug away from him as I walk by so he is unable to grab me. He follows me out the door and down the steps. The temperature has dropped since I got here. Caging me against the car, he reaches for my hands as I slap them away.

  “Jay, wait...listen to me. Please don’t leave.”

  “What?”

  “Let me take you out to dinner. Just to eat. Take things as slow as you want.”

  “Rhye, I don’t think I’m ready for that.”

  “Dinner, Jay. You have to eat. I have to eat. We will just do it together.”

  “Okay, but next week. Just let me know what nights you don’t have a gig.”

  “Alright, I’ll text you.” When he pulls away, I’m able to get into my car and drive off. I’m suddenly thankful that I only had two sips of beer so I can drive home. Lesson learned.

  My phone chirps letting me know I have voicemails, text message, or probably both. I decide to ignore them until I get home.

  Pulling into my driveway, I groan when I see all the cars. Molly and Reed’s are parked side by side. Kane’s silver Crossfire is behind them, and a red minivan is behind his. Are you freaking kidding me? I almost turn to drive away when the front door opens and everyone spills out. I step out of the car as Kane leads the angry mob towards me.

  “Where have you been, Jay? This stupid shit like ignoring your phone has to stop,” he says, coming to stand in front of me.

  Letting my anger take over, I push my index finger into his chest, “Really, Kane? Maybe you need to go back to your fucking dates and quit pretending to worry about me.” We stare each other down.

  My mother walks up to us both, oblivious to what is going on. “Jay, Mrs. Higgins and I were so worried about where you were. I didn’t know what to do.”

  Finally taking my eyes off him, I glance over at my mother, “I texted you and told you not to worry. And you promised me that you wouldn’t call him again.”

  “Your mother didn’t call me. I came by to talk with you, and you were missing.”

  “For your information, I wasn’t ‘missing’. I was...” I stop talking when he suddenly leans forward to smell my hair.

  “What the hell, Jay? Have you been with that fucking wanna-be rock star getting high?” Roughly grabbing my arms, he pulls me close like he is going to kiss me, but at the last moment, he smells my breath. “And drinking? Are you kidding me?”

  “That is none of your business.”

  “No, but it is mine, young lady,” my mother snaps.

  My words are for my mother, but I direct them to Kane. “I did not get high, and I had two drinks of beer. I needed a friend to talk to, one that was around and not too busy hanging out with skanks in bars.”

  “So he told you what? That he has
seen me out on dates? I told you first.”

  Glaring at him, I choose not to reply.

  “And are you shitting me? One, I don’t hang out with skanks in bars, that would be your boy wheat bread or whatever his name is. Second, I have all but begged you to call me if you needed me, but you have something going on in that crazy head of yours that makes you think you can’t. If I wanted out of your life, I wouldn’t keep coming around like an idiot.”

  “Why do you keep coming around?”

  He reacts like I have slapped him.

  “Good question,” he says, turning to walk to his car.

  “Kane, don’t leave,” my mother says. “Jay, don’t let him leave mad.”

  “You know, Rhye is right. It was so much easier when I didn’t have to care about what everyone thought about me.”

  “Oh, that’s original,” Kane says turning around and walking back to me. “Did he say that before you picked up where you guys left off or after?”

  “Are you serious, Kane?” I don’t know if I am more hurt or pissed about what he just said.

  “I don’t know, Jay. Are you?” he says marching up in my face. “Are you serious about living your life for you? Or do you need to make more empty promises that don’t mean shit? Are you serious about moving on with your life and having a relationship with someone that wants you to care about what you think of yourself? Who wants you to learn to love yourself so that you can love him as much as he has come to realize that he loves you?”

  Nobody says a word. I think everyone, especially me, is shocked into silence. The only sound is Kane’s heavy breathing.

  “Damn it, everything is always so difficult with you. Nothing is ever easy or private,” he states looking around at our small audience.

  “Since Jay is home safe and sound, I’m just going to leave now.” I turn to see Mrs. Higgins kindly smiling at me. She turns to get into her minivan and backs out of the driveway.

  “Wow, would you look at the time. Molly and I have school tomorrow, so we are going to head out,” Reed says, looking at his wrist that doesn’t even have a watch around it.

  “No we don’t. Tomorrow is Saturday,” Molly states in a daze as she dreamily looks at Kane and I.

  “Yes, Saturday school,” Reed says as he grabs her hand and leads her to her car.

  My mother is the only one left standing with us.

  “Well, I’m just going to say that I’m not happy with either one of you right now.”

  Both of our heads swing in question towards her.

  “Jay, you have acted immaturely today and very irresponsibly. Regardless if you have had a bad day or not, the whole reason you have a cell phone is for us to be able to contact each other. So, in the future, please don’t turn off or ignore your phone. You need to act like an adult instead of a child.” Turning towards Kane, she says, “And you, that wasn’t nice to point out past relationships. I can vouch for her and say that, other than school, she doesn’t go out at all. You say you want to be ‘just friends’, but she needs more from you.”

  “Mom,” I start to say.

  “Let me finish, Jay. When it comes to you, Kane, she doesn’t know whether she is coming or going. If you want to be with her, then make that choice. Otherwise, let someone else have that spot. And I love my daughter, but she is slow on the uptake with you. You are going to have to spell out exactly what you want. Okay, I’m finished. I’m going back in to start dinner.” Walking by Kane, she pats his arm while glaring at me.

  “That was awkward,” I say out loud.

  “Yeah, your mom doesn’t pull any punches.”

  “Tell me about it.”

  “I’m tired, Jay. I’m not sure I want to talk about any of this anymore tonight.”

  “I agree.”

  Walking by him, I tug on his shirt and pull him towards his car.

  “I’m sorry. Look, nothing happened with Rhye. I had a bad day, and my first thought was to get drunk or high. When I finally had the chance, I turned it down. It wasn’t what I ended up wanting, but if we are telling no lies, I have a dinner date with Rhye next week.”

  “And you want to go?”

  “It’s not a relationship, Kane.”

  “But I’m asking if you want to go?”

  “Sure, why not,” I reply, only because he has been on his dates.

  Nodding his head, he finally gets into his car. Before closing the door, he says one last thing, “Be safe.”

  Watching him drive away, I worry about how things will turn out. He’s right; nothing is ever easy with us. Nothing is ever easy for me.

  For the entire next month, I take time for me. No boys, no drama, and nothing but understanding what I want from me. For me. I keep busy with my online school work and the two courses I’m taking at the local college. I put Rhye’s offer for dinner on hold, but he still texts me often. Kane is keeping his distance. He texts or calls about once a week to check in.

  The only boys allowed in my life are Eli and Cal. Eli has visited several times, and each time, he leaves me feeling better emotionally. I told my mom that we should be paying him my therapist fees. My mother and Molly have fallen head-over-heels in love with him. They were both worried at first when they saw us together. I even heard Molly mutter, “Not another one.” Eli and I burst out laughing, explaining that I wasn’t his type.

  Cal still visits every Thursday after school. His mom drops him off for a couple hours, and we hang out and play video games. We don’t talk about the accident or the future. It’s a comfortable feeling of no expectations, but I know it won’t last forever.

  My therapist tells me that inner peace is everything, but for that to happen, I have to create some outer peace in my life. Looking into the mirror, I don’t hate the girl I see anymore. I feel sorry for her. Had things been different, she would have had an amazing life. But the truth is that I still can have an amazing life, just not the same one. My choice; my path to choose.

  “Jay, Eli is here,” my mother says from my bathroom door.

  Looking at her reflection in the mirror, I smile and say, “Can you send him up?”

  “Sure, honey.”

  Grabbing some lip gloss from the counter, I swipe it against my lips.

  “T-shirt, gym shorts, and lipstick. Ooh, you got all dressed up for me,” Eli says, leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “Just thought I would stop by to see if you have a hot date tonight, and if not, to see if you wanted to hang out.”

  “I haven’t been on a date in over five months.”

  “Not because you haven’t been asked. By the way, how are things going with Rhye?”

  “He wants me to come out to hear him play tonight.”

  “What about Kane? Heard from him lately?”

  “Yeah, he called to see how I was doing last week, but it was like a two minute conversation.” Walking past him, I sit down cross-legged on my bed. “Eli, I don’t understand what he wants from me. He hints about his feelings, but then, he goes on with his life without me.”

  “He’s a man, Jay. He is not going to constantly talk about his feelings.”

  “So, what? He dates other girls to find out if really does love me? I don’t understand the logic behind that.” My mom and I have told Eli everything Kane has said and done.

  “No, I think he is saying that he is giving you space so you can figure out what you want but that his life will continue. And I’ve warned you before. You better hope he doesn’t meet somebody that makes him forget about those silver eyes of yours. That’s a chance you both take playing this game of yours.”

  “I’ve told you that I know he deserves better than me. Who would want to deal with me and my issues?”

  “Someone that loves you, Jay. That wants to be with you. If your past hadn’t happened, you probably would never have met Kane. What are the chances that you would have been sitting in that bar that fall day? Fate, divinity, whatever you want to
call it, brought you together.”

  “So, what are you saying? I had to go through hell to get a piece of heaven?”

  Taking a deep breath, he says, “Sometimes the bad things that happen in our lives put us directly on the path to the most wonderful things that will ever happen to us.”

  Staring into his sweet brown eyes, I ask, “You believe that?”

  “Sure, but you know what you have to figure out?”

  “What? The path I decide to choose?”

  “Yeah, and the person. You know I believe it’s Kane that you truly want. But I have to admit that you get this gleam in your eye when you talk about Rhye. Sexual attractions can sometimes be just that and nothing more. No substance, but sometimes it can light a fire inside that burns everything in its path. But right now, you’re a single lady, and I think it’s about time that you acted like one. So, get dressed.

  “Eli,” I start to say.

  “No, listen. I don’t care if it’s been weeks, months, or years. You’ve mourned. You’ve moved on. Now go live. Just a little. Listen, you don’t have to date. Just go out. Have a good time.”

  “Okay, but I don’t want to go by myself. I want you to go with me.”

  “Why? Are you scared? Has Branch attempted to talk to you again?”

  “No, he hasn’t. but...” Looking down, I stop myself from continuing because it sounds stupid.

  “But, what?” Grabbing my chin, he tugs my face upwards.

  “It’s crazy. I’m just paranoid. Every time I go out to the store, school, or anywhere, I feel like someone is watching me. It’s crazy, and it’s driving me crazy.”

  “Have you said anything to the police or at least to your parents?”

  I shake my head.

  “It’s not crazy, Jay. He could be watching you. Waiting.”

  “No, it’s me. I think I’m losing my mind. Agent Morris is pressuring me to testify. The D.A., Mr. Reeves, came with her last time, and well, they both emphasized the reality of what could happen without my cooperation. It scares me, Eli. To death.”