Ruining You

  “Jay, yesterday you thought Kane had moved on, which you yourself were trying to encourage. I don’t want to embarrass either of you, but I was hoping that you could wait one month before you get too serious.” She looks uncomfortable but continues, “Not emotionally, but physically.” Her face flushes as she stresses that last word.

  “Mom!” I exclaim. I glance to Kane, and he looks as dumbfounded as I feel.

  “Get to really know one another since things have come to light. Jay, I know that we have spoken about how your past has shaped how you react emotionally and physically to relationships. I’ve been thinking about it, and I believe that you need to build a strong emotional connection to overcome some of those issues.”

  When did my mother become Dear Abby or my therapist? First off, I have a close emotional connection with Kane. I love the man he is and how he truly cares for me. I can’t help that I want to jump his luscious bones every time I see him.

  “Listen guys, you have the rest of your life to become serious. All I am asking is for one month of not being physical.”

  Oh no. No. NO! I’ve waited long enough. I may explode if I have to wait any longer. Does my mother not understand this? I mean, look at him, just sitting there with those sad green eyes. He looks like someone just kicked his dog. Does she not see that he needs to be kissed, I mean, comforted? Does my mom not see those kissable lips or hear his raspy voice when he calls my name? Oh, and the freaking dimples. I want to kiss each one. Every time he smiles, they wink at me. They are speaking to me.

  “Jay, are you listening to me?”

  Snapping me out of my thoughts, I look at her, “No, absolutely not!”

  Kane looks happy and mortified at my outburst. I think happy is winning though.

  “Jay, it’s only one month.”

  “Mom, I don’t ever want to be an over-sharer when it comes to you, but you really don’t understand what you are asking. Kane and I have been through hell these past six months. You really don’t understand what you are asking us to do.”

  “Ok, I’ll sweeten the deal. One month of no sex...”

  Slapping my hands over my ears, I yell, “Mom! Stop right now!” Looking over at Kane, he looks sick. The color drains from his face, and he looks like he is ready to pass out.

  Oblivious to our reactions, she continues, “and your father and I will pay for a week’s vacation for you both to go anywhere you want. Together.”

  “No,” I say.

  “Yes, Ma’am,” Kane says at the same time

  My mother looks from him to me. Standing, she says, “Why don’t I let you two discuss it. I’ll be back shortly.” Stepping away from the table and the mass destruction she has created, she walks out of the kitchen.

  Letting his head fall against the table, I hear him murmur, “I have found the only thing worse than my mother talking to me about sex -- your mother talking to me about sex. It may have ruined me for life.”

  “Why did you freaking agree?” I say, slapping his arm.

  “Ow...I wanted her to quit saying the word ‘sex’, and I really don’t think it’s going to be a choice. Plus Jay, the vacation would be awesome. Think about us on some tropical beach somewhere.”

  “Screw the tropical beach; I’d rather be in your bed today.”

  His pupils dilate at my words. “Jay, me too. In fact, up until five minutes ago, that was my plan for today, but I don’t know. Maybe your mom is right.”

  “No, she’s not. How could you even say that? Do you not want me?” I ask pouting.

  Reaching to pull me across his lap, he stares into my eyes and says, “One month. She said no sex, but nothing about everything in between, and Jay, there is a lot of in-between.” He kisses my lips as he speaks, “After the trial, you’re probably going to want to get away. Wouldn’t it be nice if just you and I could go somewhere...alone?”

  Whimpering, I nod my head.

  “Ahh...girl, we’ve waited this long.” Dropping his voice, he says, “I’ll take care of you, Jay.” He winks as he sucks my bottom lip into his mouth, nipping at it with his teeth and soothing it with his tongue.

  My nipples harden, painfully aching against the fabric of my t-shirt. Pulling back, I see his eyes notice my obvious state of arousal, and I’m sitting directly on his. My mother walks back in, and I jump out of his lap and cross my arms over my chest.

  Kane reaches his hand back, rubbing his neck and looking at me as he waits for me to tell my mother what we’ve decided. Well, what he has decided because screw this, I want him.

  “Well?” my mother asks, looking between us. She sees my indecision, so she adds, “It’s for you, Jay. For you both.”

  Shaking my head, I glance at Kane, “Yeah, whatever.” He stares back at me and reaches to grasp my hand. I squeeze his fingers and let them go before finding an exit. “I’m going to go grab a shower,” I say, walking out of the kitchen. A freezing ice-cold shower.

  An hour later, I walk down to our basement and into my dad’s man-cave. My mom informed me that my boys were hanging out down here playing pool. My dad has a huge bar, pool table, slot machines, flat screens, and several sectional couches scattered throughout the room. I hear the break of the balls and Kane laughing at something Eli is saying.

  When I walk in the room, Kane looks up and smiles. One month. I can do this or die trying.

  “There’s my girl. Want to play pool with us?” Kane asks.

  Shaking my head, I ask, “Do you care if I invite Molly and Reed over to hang out with us?”

  “It’s fine with me.”

  “Eli?” I look to him asking his opinion.

  “Fine with me,” he says smiling.

  The guys continue to play as I text Molly.

  Me – You and Reed want to come over to hang with me, Eli, and Kane?

  Molly – Kane????????

  Me – K A N E :)

  Molly – Be there in 30. BE READY TO SPILL. I WANT DETAILS!!!

  Sitting down, I grab the remote to the stereo system and turn on some music. Cold War Kids’ “Hang Me Up to Dry” blares out of the speakers as I watch them play pool. Over an hour later, Molly and Reed come downstairs carrying several pizza boxes and sodas.

  “We thought we would go ahead and stop for some lunch,” Molly exclaims as they lay everything down on the bar. She walks over to talk to Eli and Kane.

  Reed comes over, one-arm hugging me. “Hey girl.”

  Leaning into him, I smile and reply, “Hey, Reed.”

  “So, I’m assuming it’s not a Mexican stand-off anymore with you and Kane. He’s smiling, and you’re in the same room.”

  Laughing, I nod my head. “We are going to try.”

  “Good. About damn time,” Reed says. “Maybe the four of us can go out sometime before Molly and I go off to college. She’s having a hard time with me leaving.”

  Reed got into an art college up north, and Molly is going to the University of Georgia. I can’t imagine these two being separated. We’ve been close since we were kids, and these two have been dating for several years.

  “It will be okay,” I tell him, knowing that it won’t be. One thing I know now is that nothing stays the same. Neither of them wants to hear the truth, and I don’t have the heart to tell it. I see Molly talking to Kane. He smiles at her every so often, so she must be getting the low-down from him. Looking up, he catches me staring and nods for me to join to him.

  Walking past Reed, I squeeze his arm and head towards Kane. He looks at me like he’s waited his entire life to have me with him. When he gazes at me like that, everything else washes away -- the room, my friends, my fears, and all doubts. It all becomes clear where I should be and who I should be with.

  Kane props his pool stick against the wall and opens his arms as I move into them. Burying my face into his chest, I turn my head to the side and look to Molly. “Mine,” I mouth to her with a wink.

  She bursts out laughing. “I’ve been trying to tell you that, Jay.”

  The afte
rnoon passes with us all hanging out, talking, and eating. Kane and I act like a couple. We always find a way to touch, and we never miss a kiss when passing by one another. Even though my friends are younger than his twenty-three years, he gets along with them and enjoys their company.

  After they all leave, Kane and I sit downstairs watching some old scary movie. He leans into the couch cushion with his feet propped up and me lounging against him. He drapes his arm over the back of the couch as he plays with my hair, twirling it between his fingers.

  “Jay, are you going to testify against him?”

  Kane hasn’t spoken to me about the trial until today.

  “Your dad told me that you refuse to. He also said that the D.A. believes he doesn’t have a case without you.”

  I stiffen, not wanting to talk about it. “Drop it, Kane.”

  “You know, I’ll be there if you will let me.”

  Sitting up, I turn to look at him, “And you’ll what? Listen to all the details? Watch him as he watches me sit on that stand, reliving painful secrets that won’t change no matter who I tell?”

  “He needs to pay for what he has done. For all the pain he has caused you and others.”

  “What about what I want, Kane? I want it to just go away. Too many have already paid the price. So whether he goes to jail or not, I still have to live with it. The memories won’t magically wash away because a judge says ‘guilty’. The media is going to have a field day. They already are. Trust me. I’ve already been told how much of a high profile case this is.”

  “Jay, I just want you to be able to put this behind us.”

  “And that’s what I am trying to do, Kane.” Standing up, I walk away. He sighs and throws his head back.

  Walking up the stairs, I head into the kitchen. My mother is cooking dinner.

  “Where’s Kane?

  “Downstairs.” Opening the fridge, I grab a bottle of water and walk over to sit at the table.

  “Are you still mad about this morning?” she asks shyly.

  “Let’s see, Mom? My mother propositions me and my date to not have sex with a bribe for a week’s paid vacation. Yes, I would safely say that I’m completely embarrassed. Not to mention how Kane feels. Couldn’t you have discussed this in private with me first?”

  “Jay, I panicked. I know how you truly feel about Kane, and I didn’t want you to mess it up by rushing into an intimate relationship. You both need time to discover things about each other. I want this to last for you, if that’s what you want. And as far at the vacation, it wasn’t a bribe.”

  Cutting my eyes towards her, I say, “It was a bribe.”

  Sighing, she says, “Okay, it was a small bribe, but in my defense, your father and I were going to give you a trip for getting your high school diploma anyway. We already asked Molly if she wanted to go, but she can’t travel anywhere this summer because of her internship. We didn’t want you to go by yourself, so we discussed that if you and Kane worked things out, we would be okay with you going with him. You make it sound so sordid.”

  “It was sordid… and creepy.”

  “You’re so overly dramatic. I know you are going to have sex.”

  “Mom, STOP IT!” I yell, slamming my water bottle down as the clear fluid splashes all over the table.

  “I just want it to be about a desire of the heart and not a meaningless void you think you need to fill” she says, wiping up the water.

  “Mom, I care for him deeply. Don’t worry.” She starts to speak, but I hold up my hand to silence her. “I will do as you ask for one month, but cut me a little slack around here.”

  “Fair enough,” she replies.

  Kane joins me in the kitchen, not saying anything about our argument. We all have dinner, and the day’s eventful conversation isn’t invited. Afterwards, my mom rents a new action movie and we watch it together. My dad comes home, catching the end of the movie. Once it’s over, I excuse myself to go to the restroom. When I return, my dad and Kane are discussing the upcoming baseball season. I can tell my dad really likes him. How different my life is from a year ago. I have a life and many reasons to live it.

  My mother yawns as she stands up and grabs my father’s hand, pulling him with her, “Night, kiddos.” She leans down, kisses my cheek and then Kane’s.

  “Night,” we both say.

  Alone at last, we turn to face each other on the couch. Bringing the back of my hand up, I rub it across the stubble on his cheek. His eyes slowly close as he leans into my touch. I pat his cheek hard twice, and his eyes pop open.

  “Ow...what was that for?”

  Smiling, I answer, “Love taps.”

  “Oh really,” he says before grabbing my waist and pushing me back against the couch. Coming over me, he reaches under my shirt and tickles my ribs, making my shake with laughter as I struggle to push him away.

  He finally stops and stares down into my eyes. Slowly, his mouth lowers. His lips brush against mine, drift to the tip of my nose, slide over my eyelids, and fall back to my mouth. Still grasping my waist, his fingers press deep into my flesh.

  “Can I take you out to dinner on Valentine’s Day?” he asks between light kisses.

  “Yes.”

  “I’m going to go before I do something incredibly stupid like make-out with you on your parents’ couch.”

  Nodding my head, I really want to say that I don’t care, but I don’t even want to even think about my dad catching us. He stands up and kisses me one more time on the lips.

  “I’ll call you tomorrow. Okay?”

  I just stare at his lips, hoping tomorrow gets here soon. With a laugh, he leaves. He knows he has me.

  On the day before Valentine’s Day, I take my morning run before getting ready for class. I am really enjoying the college courses, and I’m looking forward to picking up a full schedule next semester. After that, my core classes will be complete and I’ll have to decide where to go from there. I have a future of endless possibilities, and I’m starting to like deciding which path to choose. It’s exciting, especially with paths that lead me to Kane. We mercifully tease each other, but we never go past first base, right now at least. We are relearning all there is to know about one another. It’s stimulating to take my time and actually get to know his body and him mine without feeling like we have to rush our explorations.

  As I run, my pulse races just thinking about him. Placing my fingers to my neck to check my heart rate, I suddenly have the sense of being watched again. Turning down my street, I see the unmarked police car at the stop sign. Agent Morris rolls down the window and motions me over.

  “Good Morning, Jay. I was hoping I would catch you before class.” She smiles at me.

  “Oh? why?”

  “Can you take a drive with me, Jay?”

  Looking down at my jogging clothes, I reply, “I’m really not dressed to go anywhere.”

  “You’re fine. Get in. We are just going to take a short drive,” she says.

  Going around the car, I slip into the passenger seat and click my seatbelt in as she drives off. I send my mother a text message letting her know where I am so she doesn’t worry.

  “Where are we going?”

  “Jay, in little over a month, your case is going to trial. We have scoured hundreds of phone records, spoken to over two hundred people at your school, and followed every lead reported to no avail. District Attorney Reeves and I have believed your story from the beginning. We know that your testimony rings true, but without it, our case fails. We fail without a conviction.”

  Looking out the window, I watch familiar landmarks pass by. Turning onto one of the main roads, I know where this road trip is leading us. I’ve taken the long way around and used back roads to detour myself from ever coming this way. The anxiety climbs up my chest, gripping my heart and stomach. I am overcome by nausea. Ahead, I see the four-way intersection where JT died. I don’t know if I’m ready for this. Why did she bring me here?

  Gripping the door handle tightly, I str
uggle to control my breathing. She pulls to the side of the road by the field -- the field where I found his body and where Cal had lain, fighting for his life. As I stare out the windshield, my mind flashes back to that night. I remember the empty vehicles; I can still see the tangled heap of metal on the side of the road, bent, twisted, and unrecognizable. People crying. Screaming. The sirens blaring in the distance. It’s all so clear. It’s all so fresh.

  My stomach churns because I remember the suffocating smell of gasoline rising from the pavement. Pushing the door open, I get out and fall to my knees, retching. I remember seeing the blood poor from the man inside the dump truck, and I remember the relief I felt that it wasn’t JT.

  “Jay?” Agent Morris’s voice calls to me, snapping me out of the past.

  Holding my hand up to stop her from talking, I shake my head. My voice is hoarse as I ask, “Why did you bring me here?”

  “The sequence of events that happened that night was a direct result of Bruce Branch. So many lives affected: students who can’t get over what they saw that night and families who lost loved ones because of the tragedy. Not just JT’s. The driver of the other vehicle had a family with small children. A young man will never walk again.” She pauses, taking a breath, “And then we come to you. You, and only you, hold the key to have justice served for all of them, but most all, for yourself. What are your fears, Jay? Talk to me.”

  Shaking my head, I stand and stumble as I make my way to the small clearing. It’s still early, and a light fog drifts low, blanketing the ground. Cars drive by, and the hum of their motors fades into the background. Dropping to my knees, I look around. I remember Reed’s tear-stained face as he tried to usher me away from the sight of JT’s lifeless eyes. I dig my fingernails into the damp earth, feeling the cool soil on my hands. I’m still here. I’m alive, and I’m glad. I’m thankful I didn’t die.

  “Jay, are you okay?”

  Looking up at her, I sarcastically ask, “Do I look okay?”

  I make my way back to the car, open the passenger door, and slide in. She slips in and starts the car to drive away.