Ruining You

  Concentrating on his mouth, the feel of his lips against mine, and the touch of his tongue, I enjoy every second. All I needed was him to make me feel whole again and to take away the pain and worry.

  Pulling back, he stares into my eyes, “I’m not doing something right because you’re thinking, and I can tell.”

  Leaning forward, I place my lips back against his and whisper, “No that’s just it. You are doing everything right. You take the hell and make it heaven.” Looking deep into my eyes, he searches again for something.

  “What happened?”

  I don’t want to ruin the moment, but we’ve made promises that we will be upfront about everything. There is to be no guessing about what is going with one another. So I tell him, “I talked to Agent Morris this morning. I’m going to testify, so that I can move on. I want to be free of him, forever. For me. For us.”

  He stares at me for a second before suddenly launching himself at me, pushing me down against the bed, and coming over me. His lips control mine. Kissing me hard and deep, he stops only to look down at me.

  “God Jay, I’m so proud of you. Your strength amazes me and makes me want to be a better man for you. What made you decide to do this?”

  “Agent Morris doesn’t think he will stop. She says that, at some point, he will either come back after me or someone else. I can’t let either of those scenarios play out.”

  “Will you please let me be there? I want to. It will kill me if you don’t,” he pleads with me.

  “Do you think you can stand hearing the details? I wouldn’t want it to change anything between us.” I have to ask and he has to understand that talking about it will strip me bare. Everyone will see all the raw ugliness.

  “Jay, I’m not going to lie. It’s going to kill me to hear the details, but if you have to be there, I’ll be with you.”

  Leaning my head up, I capture his lips this time. How could I not love this man? It feels like I’ve known him forever, yet he surprises me every day. Letting him love me is so easy, so I let him do just that.

  Spring arrives swiftly as April brings May showers, and I can’t believe how much my life has bloomed. Even with the trial approaching, things have never been better, and my friends surround me with support and love. As I sit in my living room across from Cal, my happiness is slightly overshadowed, knowing that it has a price.

  “You know, you suck at video games. After how many months, you should at least be able to get through the first couple of plays before screwing everything up.” Cal looks at me with disgust.

  “Geez, Cal. It’s just a freaking game,” I say, throwing down my controller. Looking at him, my bubble of contentment bursts, but I can’t let him know how much it upsets me when I have days like this -- days when the sight of him in a wheelchair turns me inside out with sickness. He should be playing real football instead of acting it out on a screen.

  “Hey, you’re the one that wanted to join this online tournament,” he says, tossing his controller down beside mine. “No use in ignoring the elephant in the room is there? So, the trial is next week. Do you want to talk about it?”

  Standing, I begin pacing in front of him, turning only to answer, “No, between the D.A. and Agent Morris, I’m talked out. They have questioned me so many times that I’m sick of hearing my own self talk about it. They even took me to the courtroom and had me practice. It’s all just crazy.”

  “What are you worried about?”

  I stop, turning towards Cal as anger builds inside me. The words spew from me, “What am I worried about, Cal? Well, let’s see, just that I’m going to tell a room full of strangers what happened to me and how the man sitting in that courtroom is really a monster in disguise. That they have to take my word for it.” Getting worked up for just a second, I continue, “Then there is this chance that they don’t believe me. That I have to walk out of that courtroom knowing he is going to walk out right behind me, free. Knowing that I might not only fail me, but JT as well.” I pause, then whisper, “And you.” Walking over to the windows, I look out at nothing at all.

  I hear his wheelchair roll across the floor, stopping somewhere behind me. Feeling his hand against mine, he links our fingers together. “You are not getting on that stand for me, because if you are, that’s the wrong reason. You know the only reason for you to testify is for you.”

  “Where is your justice, Cal? How do you get through everyday not hating what happened? Wishing you had never met me? Wishing you had your legs back?” I turn to him.

  “Damn it, Jay. Just stop it! Yeah, I want my legs back, but that’s not going to happen. Some days, I wake up thinking I’ll just get out of bed and start walking; I even think I can feel my legs move.”

  “Your life is ruined,” I start to say, when he stops me.

  “Forget you, Jay. JT’s life was ruined because he died. I’m still here and fighting every day to live the life I have left. It’s not the same one I had or the one I would have chosen, but it’s the only one I got. And here I was thinking you had changed and you were the only person on this earth that could understand that with me.”

  He grabs the wheels of his chair, turning himself around and trying to get away from me.

  “Cal, wait. I’m sorry. I just want you to have a life and meet someone.”

  Suddenly wheeling back around, he glares at me, “What are you saying? No one is going to love me in this chair? That my life is over, and I should just sit here and wither away?”

  Oh God, he is so upset with me. I try to talk to him, “No, I’m sorry, it’s just that... I shouldn’t have said...,” I don’t even know what I’m saying.

  “I’ll have you know that girls talk me up all the time, regardless of this chair. Unlike some people, that isn’t all they see.” He wheels back and out the door.

  Chasing him into the hallway, I try to explain myself, “Please Cal, let me explain. I’m just upset, and my head is going to places that I never wanted to visit again. Please just let me talk to you.”

  Stopping, he doesn’t turn around. I walk around in front of him and open my heart saying, “Some days, I start thinking about JT, and I miss him so much.” The old familiar ache starts in my heart as the tears well in my eyes. “I think about seeing that smiling face every day for so many years, and how I never will again. It’s crazy. I didn’t talk to him hardly for two years, but I knew he was still there, and I could breathe knowing that.”

  “Jay,” he starts, “I thought you and Kane were doing good.”

  I say, “No, we are doing great, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t miss JT and that I wish that night didn’t happen. I love Kane, but you are the only other person on this earth that called JT your best friend and can understand why I miss him like I do.”

  “Have you been back to his grave?”

  I shake my head.

  “Maybe we can go together?” he asks.

  “I’d like that, Cal.” Looking down, I grasp his hand. “Forgive me for saying the wrong thing? I’m sorry.”

  He nods his head and says, “Just so you know, I pick up girls all the time in my chair. In fact, I sweep them off of their feet.” Turning his chair, he reaches around my knees and literally sweeps me off my feet so I land on his lap. Looking into my eyes, he says, “I make this chair look good.”

  Laughing, I pull myself from my dark thoughts and push out of his lap. “I’m sorry.”

  “I know you, Jay. You’re getting nervous about the trial, and you’re going to blame yourself. Just stop. Deal with getting through this, and we’ll figure everything else afterwards. Okay? And Jay, I’ll figure my life out. It’s not yours to worry about.”

  Seeing the look of hurt in his eyes, that I put there, I nod my head and tell him what I’ve felt forever. “Cal, I know that whoever you give your heart to will be the luckiest girl in the world. They will hold the biggest heart I have ever known in the palm of their hand, and they will thank their lucky stars for you.” He smiles up at me, so I add, “And if
they don’t, I’ll kick their ass.” Balling my fist up, I smile back and punch his shoulder.

  Laughing he says, “Deal. Now go fix me some lunch, since you were so mean to me. I’m starving.”

  I do as he asks and head into the kitchen as he follows. While he talks, I send up a silent prayer thanking God that he is still beside me and that, maybe, someone just as special as him will come into his life. He deserves it, and I want that for him. To be happy.

  After Cal leaves, I turn the alarm on. My mother had to run some errands, and I’m by myself. Running up the stairs to my room, I check my phone to see if Kane texted me. He is working on a big project with Cole, so I haven’t seen him much this past week; however, we talk every day and text message constantly. Frowning, I see that he hasn’t sent any messages today, so I text him.

  Me – Miss you...

  And I do, he’s been my stronghold through this storm. Minutes later, my phone vibrates.

  Kane – Good

  Where is he going with this?

  Me – Good?

  Kane – Yeah, because I’m headed to your house in about five minutes and you can show me how much.

  My heart swells with the love I feel for him, and this intense feeling of completion. It’s amazing that I feel this way.

  Me – Hurry!!

  Rushing to get ready, I run into my bathroom and turn on the shower. I hastily throw my clothes to the ground and jump in, letting the spray soak my hair. I reach for the bottle of shampoo when my home alarm blares loudly. The screeching sound jars me. Realizing exactly what the sound is and knowing that someone is trying or has succeeded in breaking into my house, I panic.

  The shampoo bottle slips from my hand, hitting the floor and sounding with a large thump. The noise springs me into action. I jump out, not caring that I’m naked. Water saturates the floor as it falls from my body. I reach the bathroom door, slamming it shut and turning the lock. My breath comes in pants. He is coming for me. He’s going to hurt me. My body begins to shake from the rush of fear filling every pore, sweeping me up, and stealing me from myself.

  Bang. Bang. Bang. I jump. Someone is forcing themselves against the door. Terror squeezes my insides as it takes my every breath, and I press my naked wet body against the counter. What is he going to do to me? I can’t survive this again; I have to find something to protect myself with. Turning to the bathroom counter, I knock everything to the floor grabbing at a pair of shears that lay there.

  Why do I think I hear Kane? My mind contemplates what my ears are telling it moments before I realize that someone is screaming for me. Kane is yelling my name, and with one last push against the door, he breaks in. I stand frozen, scissors pulled back in fear as he comes to a halt before me. His eyes are wide with that same fear, and out of the corner of my eye, I see blood run down his fist. The ruby red drops slide slowly down dripping to the ground as he stands there, and I remember the blood that flowed from me. The room starts spinning with the thought, and I close my eyes to try to...

  ~~~~~~~

  Voices softly drift around me: Molly, Kane, my mom, and my dad. Memories of another time this happened to me filter through my mind. A hospital room. The day after JT died. No, I can’t be back there. I survived that. Didn’t I? My eyes pop open to look around, verifying that I’m not in that hell again.

  As I lie across my bed, several blankets cover my nude body and are tucked all around me. Under my head, my pillows prop me up more than they should as my hands are folded together and resting beneath my cheek. I hear a voice clearing above my head, so I look that way, seeing exactly why I seem to be propped higher. My head is on my pillow in Kane’s lap as he stares down at me, lifting my hair with his cut and bruised hand. Closing my eyes, I don’t want to remember what happened or to know why he is hurt. I’m sure it has something to do with me. Doing the only thing I can think of, I pucker my lips together for a kiss and bring them to his hand as he strokes my hair.

  “I’m sorry,” I whisper, wanting him to myself for one more second.

  “You have nothing to be sorry for, Jay,” he says, leaning down to brush his lips against my head.

  My eyes look once more around the room, noting that Molly is speaking in hushed tones with my mom and dad. They don’t seem to notice I’m awake.

  “What happened?” I ask, remembering Kane breaking in the door and the blood. God, the blood. My stomach flips upside down, and I close my eyes tightly to control the nausea.

  “Someone tried to break in through the garage door. Thank God you set the alarm. Your mother and I arrived at the same time, and we both heard the sound. Damn Jay, I ran for my life to find you. The door was jimmied open, and I yelled for you, but you didn’t answer. I ran up to your room, and when I saw the bathroom door closed...” He stops, bringing his other hand to rub over his face.

  Reaching up, I slide my hand around his neck and pull his lips to mine. We briefly touch before he pulls back.

  “I tried to go through the door, beating it with my hands and feet. I just had to get to you. To make sure you were all right. My one thought, Jay. It was you, always you.”

  Not wanting him to think about how he found me, I ask him, “Did they find anyone?”

  Looking away, he answers, “No.”

  It’s almost like he is lying to me, alright, I know he is not telling me something. “Kane, we promised each other. No secrets.”

  He looks over to my parents and Molly, then back at me, nodding his head.

  “Agent Morris has been keeping tabs on Bruce Branch. The police are all aware of the situation, and when the home alarm went off, they were immediately notified. Bruce Branch was checked up on and found off the radar. So, he could have been anywhere, including here. The police were waiting in front of his house when he returned, but he had a receipt for a movie at the time he would have been here. No one was with him, but there was not enough evidence to do anything but question him.”

  “So what? She thinks it was him?”

  Looking into my eyes, he nods his head. “You’ve got to nail this bastard to the wall.”

  The fear is there, but now something else starts deep within. Replacing the fear, building, and sharpening, the need for revenge controls me. I’m angry that he could come between me and what I want most in life, the man looking at me now. No more fear, no more hiding.

  “Get mad, Jay. It’s time to get even. Ruin the son-of-a-bitch.” Kane knows me more than anyone, guessing my thoughts.

  “Jay, are you okay?” my dad says finally realizing I’m awake.

  Glancing one more time into Kane’s eye, I nod to acknowledge my understanding. “I’m fine, Dad,” I say, feeling a stronghold over my life.

  “Jay, I shouldn’t have left,” my mother says, almost crying.

  “Mom, the alarm worked. You can’t stay here with me every second.” She comes over and lays her hand on top of the blanket, making me realize one thing. I’m nude. “Uh, can everyone give me a second to get dressed?”

  “Sure,” my dad says and then adds, “Agent Morris left a little while ago after the paramedics checked you over to make sure you were fine. Tomorrow, she is coming back to ask a couple of questions unless you remember anything tonight.”

  He smiles as I shake my head. Grabbing my mother’s hand, he walks out of the room. I watch as they speak quietly to one another.

  Leaning up and keeping the blanket wrapped around me the best I can, I look at Kane. “They don’t want me to know do they?”

  “No, they’re just trying to protect you. You know that right?”

  I look over at Molly as she says, “Don’t look at me. You know I agree with your parents. Sometimes this shit is just too much to handle, and I don’t think you should be overwhelmed.”

  She still worries over me, so I can’t be mad when she acts like this. They all just need to understand that I’m not a child anymore, and it’s been months. “Molly, I better not learn of you keeping anything from me.”

  “No promise
s, Jay. I’m going to always do what I think is best for you, so get over it. I love you, chick.”

  Wrapping her arms around me and my blanket, she squeezes me tight. “Well, I’ll go help your mom and dad do something so you two can have a moment alone.” She punches Kane in the arm as she walks by. “You tell her too much.”

  “You better always tell me,” I say, not giving him a chance to change his mind. My arms fight their way out of the cover that binds me. Securing the ends of the blanket around my chest, I sit up on the bed and run my hands through the tangled knots in my hair.

  “Jay, your dad and I talked, and until the trial next week, you are not allowed to be by yourself at any time.” He looks unsure and as if he is afraid I’m going to blow up at him. Instead, I lean forward to lightly kiss his lips.

  “Fine with me,” I agree, for all the times he has come to my rescue.

  “I really never know what you are going to do.” He moves back in to capture my lips with his, talking in-between kisses. “When all the drama is over, I’m taking us on a vacation. I’m going to take you away from all this, and we are going to act like normal people.”

  “I’m in,” I tell him, letting him continue to kiss me. I know we’ll have to stop soon with my parents downstairs, so I enjoy soaking up every moment of him.

  Pulling back, he kisses me one last time. His eyes say so much as they look into mine.

  “Get dressed. I’ll be downstairs.” Walking out, he glances toward my bathroom door that has been removed. He balls up his fist and shakes his head.

  Completely unwrapping myself from the blankets, I stand up and walk over to my dresser to retrieve some undies. Throwing on some drawstring pajama pants and a t-shirt, I walk into my bathroom to grab a hairbrush. Everything looks the same with the exception of the missing door. Brushing the tangles out, I think about Kane’s words and my feelings of revenge. I need to get my story out, not as a punishment, but as a victory for truth. I need to let the telling be about healing instead of hurting. I’ve never thought about it that way before. Maybe, just maybe, I can do this.