Ruining You

  “Hey, can I talk to you for a minute?” Eli asks as he pulls my arm, and we fall back from the rest of the group.

  “Sure.” We allow everyone else to disappear around the hallway.

  “It’s time, Jay.”

  I know what he is saying. I was just thinking the same thing. “I know.” Breathing deep, I look at him and nod my head. “There is so much I haven’t told you about what is waiting for me at home. There’s the trial, and JT’s mom wants to talk to me. I’ve heard it’s nothing bad, but the thought just scares me to death. Then there is Kane.”

  “Wait...which one is he?”

  “I met Kane the first day of my senior year. He’s the bartender that I started to fall for. He was the one that made me really start thinking that I could have a future. Actually, I really don’t think I need to worry because I am pretty sure he’s moved on.”

  “What makes you think that?”

  “I haven’t spoken to him in three months, and the letters he sent tend to lend to that idea.” Cringing, I think about those letters.

  “Do you want him to move on or not?”

  Sighing, I reply, “Eli, how can I even think of being with someone else? I didn’t want him waiting for me anyway. He needs to move on. Damn, I even chose JT.” I am walking in circles. I stop and look up at him, “Ugh, you’re right though. I still think about him. A lot.”

  “What did his letters say?”

  “Do you want to read them?”

  “Only if you want me to, Jay.”

  Nodding my head, I turn, and he follows me to my room. I grab the letters as soon as we walk in, and I thumb through them to find Kane’s.

  “Okay, I’ll let you read the ones that I’ve read over and over.” I hand them to Eli, and he sits on the bed and begins to read. I pace the room, anxiously waiting for his response. When he’s finished, he looks over at me.

  “I’m kind of scared to read the next letter.”

  I know what he’s talking about. I could only make myself read it once. I hand Eli the third letter he wrote. He unfolds it, and I join him on the bed.

  Jay,

  I have to get this out. I have to know. How the hell could you do it? Just like Matt. How could you both take your life? I don’t understand it. I don’t eat, sleep, or work thinking about it. I don’t know what the hell I am doing. Here I am laying this shit on you again, but who else do I talk to? I don’t even know if you got my other letters. Who knows? Maybe you’re not even opening them.

  I don’t even know why I keep writing, but HELL YES I do. You. You’re fucking burned on my brain. I can’t get you out. When I shut my eyes you’re there. I hear your laugh and GOD…I still hear your cries. I even think that I smell you, and it drives me insane. How did you crawl inside me so fast?

  I can’t do this........

  Sitting down beside Eli, he looks at me.

  “Jay, the guy seems to really care about you. There is no doubt about that, but I have to be honest, I think you’ve royally messed with his head.”

  Lowering my head into my hands, I groan. “He needed to move on, Eli. I was tearing him apart. There was just too much between us.”

  “I think he’ll be waiting when you get home.”

  “I don’t know. Even if he is, it would be like starting over, and I’m not sure I am ready for that. I need time to get me right.” Standing up, I head back out of the room and motion for him to follow. He stands, but his feet remain planted.

  “Just remember this. I believe that you and I may mourn our first loves for the rest of time, but I’ve come to learn that our lives didn’t end that day. We are still here living it, even at times when we wished we weren’t. The only thing that bothers me about hearing about this Kane guy is your own words. You admitted that he was the reason you decided to live again. You didn’t say that about JT. You said you owed him the chance to be together. Just a thought, Jay. Don’t lose out on something that could be forever because you think the timing isn’t right. Don’t let fate decide.”

  I turn and head for the hallway again, not stopping to see if he follows. Maybe I should have written Kane back for his peace of mind. I may have ruined everything because of that. It’s too late to write, but maybe it’s not too late to talk to him. Making my decision then and there, I turn back and see Eli walking towards me.

  “I’m going home tomorrow. It’s time,” I say before I have a chance to change my mind.

  “Yes it is, for both of us. You know I only live forty-five minutes from you. I’m always here if you need me, Jay.”

  Stepping to him, I wrap my arms around his warm chest and let his warmth seep into me, thawing me from the inside out. “Thanks, Eli. I’ll always be here for you, too.” I give him one final squeeze and release him.

  “You’ll be fine. Just take it one day at a time, and please, cage that bitchy beast.”

  We both laugh and head to the cafeteria for dinner.

  That night, before letting sleep claim me, my mind drifts. What I am going to do when I get home? Things will never be the same.

  My eyes flash open, taking in my surroundings. I’m sitting on the concrete floor of the gym closet at school. It’s a large closet with shelves that hold all the cheerleading art supplies and banners. Paint, paper, and brushes encircle me. In my hand is a brush, dripping with thick crimson paint. Well, at least I think it’s paint. Realizing where I am, I immediately jump up as the door opens.

  Coach Branch leans against the door jamb with a crooked smile on his face. His dark brown eyes gleam, and his thick brownish hair falls across one eye. His vile body is muscular from his regular workouts. “What Jay? Aren’t you happy to see me? Haven’t you missed me?”

  Closing my eyes, I will myself to wake up. It’s just a dream. I have to make myself fucking wake up. My eyes snap open again when I hear his haunting laugh. My devil stands across from me. He’s clad in a t-shirt and shorts, the same as Coach Branch’s, replacing one evil bastard with another.

  “Ah, my poor girl. Will you ever learn? I live here in your thoughts and dreams, never to be abandoned. I know your true nature and your evil ways. I know how you lie in bed at night as your defiled body yearns, not for the dead boy in the cold ground, but another. You know you deserve to be punished.”

  Stepping inside, he closes the door and turns toward me. I blink, only to find Coach Branch standing back in front of me. Rage fills my mind as energy pours through my body. Fight or die. Lunging toward him, I aim the end of the wood paint brush at his face, but he disappears. From behind, I hear him laugh in my ear, “Fight me. I want you to.” Screaming, I fling my arms out and fight back.

  Tangled in my sheets, I fight myself as I violently flail beneath them. Finally, I free my body from the jumbled web and shove them to the floor. Breathing heavily, I fall back onto my pillow. It was just a dream…. only a dream.

  ~~~~~~~

  The next morning, I walk down to Dr. Raines’s office. Her door is open. I knock in an effort to not startle her, and she looks up.

  “Hi, Jay. Come in and have seat. What’s going on?

  Taking a deep breath, I just say it. “I’m ready to go home.” I don’t think I’ve ever seen Dr. Raines smile that big.

  “I think you are too. Of course, I will set you up with a therapist closer to home. I think you should meet with him or her weekly for now, and make sure you continue your medication for the time being. I need to ask though; this doesn’t have anything to do with Eli coming to see me this morning regarding the same thing, does it? Jay, I truly believe you are ready, but I want you to leave because you believe that you are.”

  “Dr. Raines, I’m scared to death to leave, but I know, with all my heart, that it’s time. I know there are things and people that I need to deal with. I’m ready to do that now.”

  “That’s all I needed to hear. Just keep in mind that there are going to be hard days. Surround yourself with people who care about you, and make sure to stay in daily contact with them.”

/>   I lean towards her for a hug, and she envelops me. She speaks gently in my ear.

  “Live, Jay. Live every day like it’s your last. Treasure the moments you have, and make sure you make them count. The trial is going to be hard on you and your family. Please know that you can call me anytime.”

  She releases me, and I step back to thank her. “Thank you for listening.” She nods, and I leave her office for the final time. It’s time to make the call.

  I dial my mom’s cell number, and butterflies consume my stomach as I listen to it ring. Closing my eyes, I wait for her to answer.

  “Hello?” she answers, almost frantic.

  “Hey, Mom.”

  “My God, Jay. Is everything all right?”

  “Oh, yes. I didn’t mean to scare you. I’m calling....I’m ready, well...I think it’s time that I come home.” There is silence, but only for a second, before my mother squeals and answers.

  “That is wonderful, Jay. Oh my goodness! Your dad is out of town, but I can come get you. You do want to come home immediately, right? I can come right now.”

  Her enthusiasm puts a smile on my face. “Yes, today would be great.”

  “I’m on my way, Jay. This is wonderful. Love you.”

  “Love you too, Mom. See you in a little while. Bye”

  “Bye, Jay.”

  Going to pack everything up, I think about the last ninety-one days that I’ve been here. It’s been hell, but at the same time, I can’t help but regard this place as a sanctuary from the storm that looms on the outside. I’m scared to death just thinking about what waits for me at home, but I can’t stay here forever. Even I recognize that everything comes full circle. It’s time to face everything and everyone.

  Picking up the letters on the desk, I pull one from the bottom and open it up. One scribbled sentence. One statement. One request. One life-changing letter.

  You owe it to me to live.

  I hug it close to my chest and close my eyes. My heart beats a mile a minute. I will try first to live for me, but on the days I feel like I can’t go on, I will live for him. No matter what.

  My eyes fly open when I hear a tapping sound on my door.

  “Knock, knock.” Eli’s smiling face fills the doorway. “What did the boy squirrel say to the girl squirrel before he left?”

  Shaking my head at him, I take a deep breath and reply, “I don’t know, what?”

  He walks over and stands in front of me. “I’m nuts about you.”

  Tears fill my eyes as I look at this boy; he owns a small part of my soul. One drop seeps out, running down my cheek.

  He raises his hand and gently wipes the tear from my face. “My beautiful broken girl. You are healing. Half the battle is committing to waking up every day and living. So, you’re ahead of the game. There is something in you, Jay, something special. It calls to people, makes them want to befriend you, help you, even love you a little,” he says with a grin.

  Moving into his arms, I bury my face in his neck. “You’re the special one. I’m going to miss you.”

  “Oh, you’ll see me enough. Just remember one thing as you go home, something I’m learning. It’s not about who left you here. It’s all about who stayed to make sure you lived to love again. Those people, Jay, are who you surround yourself with, who you never let go of, and who you live for.”

  He holds me for a little while until we hear the nurse, Tami, from the doorway. “Eli, your mom is here.”

  I look up at him and ask, “Are you going to be okay with your parents?”

  “Oh yes. My dad will be fine for a while. He always is.” Leaning down, he kisses my cheek and whispers, “Stay sane.” He glances back one more time and smiles before strolling down the hallway. My friend. My confidant. My earthly redeemer.

  An hour later, my mother and I are finally loaded up and on our way home. She is strangely silent. Actually, looking closer at her, she looks nervous.

  “Mom, is everything okay?”

  “Yes, honey. Everything is fine. It’s just that there are some people at the house that wanted to see you.” Peeling her eyes off the road for a second, she looks over at me. “Just a few friends to welcome you home.” My eyes go wide as I stare at her.

  “Mom, you can’t be serious.” She sheepishly looks back at me. “You have got to be joking?”

  “Molly and Reed wanted to plan a coming home party, but with everything being last minute, I really don’t know who all will be there.”

  Shaking my head in disbelief, I stare at her for another moment before I blurt out, “Oh my God, Mom! You really have to be kidding me. I’m having a...what? A, ‘Welcome Home....Glad You Didn’t Kill Yourself Party?!?’ Please tell me this is not happening.”

  “Jay, you have to understand. So many people have missed you. It will probably be just a few people, hardly anyone at all. I couldn’t turn Molly down.”

  Looking out the window, I cringe listening to her. I just wanted to go home, get settled, and maybe, in a day or two, call Molly and Kane to talk. At least I look decent. I’m glad I decided on a pair of True Religion jeans and a grey hoodie this morning. In the past couple of weeks with Eli, I have gained back about ten pounds. My cheeks aren’t so hollow anymore. My dark brown hair shines as it flows halfway down my back. It’s a far cry from the drab mob that adorned my head for the past couple months. Glancing into the mirror, I notice that even my grey slate eyes seem to glimmer.

  “Please don’t be mad or upset,” my mother pleads.

  Knowing that she is just trying to help, I send her a small smile. “No unexpected company in the future. Okay?”

  Smiling back, she says, “Okay. I’m just so tickled to have you home.”

  The rest of way, I glance out the window, trying not to think about who is waiting for me.

  When we finally arrive, there are several cars in the driveway. As she parks outside the garage, I notice Molly’s, Reed’s, and Kane’s cars, but there is also a white van that I’m not familiar with.

  Taking a deep breath, I step out of the car with my stomach tied in knots. My mother comes to stand next to me and reaches for my hand.

  “They’re your friends, Jay. They love you, and they are only here for support.”

  Nodding my head, I let go of her hand and walk to the front door. The pressure builds in my chest, but I’ve learned to push it back. Closing my eyes, I reach for the handle, turn the knob, and open the door.

  “Well you look great.” Opening my eyes to Molly’s statement, I see her and Reed standing before me. Her rich red hair gleams under the foyer lights. Her smile illuminates her face as she looks at me. Reed’s dark eyes still look wary, but he also has a goofy grin on his face. These two are my oldest friends in the world. Smiling, I step over the threshold and embrace them.

  “Hey, you guys.” Stepping back, I notice Molly looking at me.

  “Jay, you really do look good. I guess I thought...” Her voice trails off.

  Letting a small laugh escape, I know exactly what she is talking about. “You should have seen me a couple weeks ago. I was scary and pretty skeletal looking.”

  Looking around, I only see the two of them in the foyer. Reed must notice because he answers my unspoken question.

  “There are only a couple of us here to see you. Everything was last minute, and since school was out for the holiday break, Molly and I came over to set everything up. Most everyone is in the kitchen; however, there is someone who wants to speak with you first. He’s in the living room.”

  Molly and Reed look at each other nervously. Turning from them, I head that way. A million thoughts cross my mind, and I can’t even imagine who it will be, or maybe I can. Stepping into the room, I suddenly come to a stop. My heart falls from my chest and my head spins.

  Gripping the doorframe, I take in who sits before me. The silver metal shines new, but it seems more like a cage in my mind than a chair. His blond hair is shaved close to his head, and a jagged angry-red scar starts at his temple and runs do
wn the side of his face. In his blue shirt and jeans, I can tell he has lost so much weight that, in a way, he’s almost unrecognizable. Everything is different with the exception of the kind eyes I used to know so well. He grasps his hands together in his lap and looks me over.

  “I guess you got my note,” he says. Words fail me as my emotions almost completely immobilize me. I just nod. “Come here, Jay.”

  Walking towards him, I let the first tear silently fall. Coming to a stop before him, more tears drop, one after another.

  “This is not your fault,” he says motioning at himself. Looking away, I can’t listen to what he is saying. “God damn it, Jay! Look at me!” His commanding tone surprises me so much that I jump. He has never been that stern. Turning my eyes back to him, I look down into his.

  “I’m only going to say this once, and then by God, we are all moving on. That night, I made an error in judgment. I let emotion rule my choices, and like an idiot, I got in a car with a driver who was emotionally worse off than I was. My decision, Jay. Not yours. I know how you got that whole self-martyred mind set, but sorry, this one is on me. ONLY ME!” Grabbing my hand, he pulls me down until his face is inches from mine. “You owe me though, for the hell you put us all through these past couple years of worrying about you. That is the only thing you owe me for, and you better pay up from now until eternity by living.”

  My voice whispers, “Cal...” as my body vibrates with my mute sobs.

  “Damn, Jay,” he says pulling me to sit in his lap.

  Letting it all go, I lay my head on his chest. I can’t stop the sudden outburst of emotions. My cries turn to wails as the pain bleeds out.

  Rubbing my hair, he whispers back, “Shhhh…I lived, Jay. We both lived. That’s all that matters. Shhh…don’t cry.”

  Time passes. I’m not sure how much. Finally, my crying subsides, and I lift myself up. “I am so sorry...,” I start to say before he brings his fingers to cover my mouth.