Ruining You

  Arriving home, I pull my car into the garage. Kane doesn’t get out; he barely even stops before driving off. I slam my door. I’m so freaking annoyed. I want to kick something or actually someone: a bossy green-eyed someone to be exact. Rearing back my foot, I kick the tire. “Ouch!” I jump around on my good foot as pain radiates through the other.

  “Jay, is everything okay?”

  My mother and father are standing in the doorway, staring at me.

  “No, I’m not okay. I think I broke a toe.”

  I hear a guff of laughter from my mom, “That’s what you get for kicking your car.”

  Shaking my head, I know she is right. I’m pissed at myself for being stupid and acting childish and immature. I can’t help but laugh at myself. “Yeah, that was pretty dumb.”

  “C’mon, let me help you in,” my father insists.

  Seeing him wonder whether or not I’m going to allow him to assist me prompts me to give in. Reaching for his hand, I put my arm around his shoulder and lean on him while I hop inside. Once we reach the kitchen table, I sit down on the chair. My mother reaches for my shoe, sliding it and my sock off. My toe is already turning blue.

  “Do you think we should go to the Urgent Care to get it checked out?” my dad asks.

  “I’m fine. I think it’s just bruised. There’s no swelling,” I reply back.

  “Dad, do you mind if I talk with mom real quick?”

  “Sure. I’ll go check the score of the football game.”

  My mother looks at me as she sits down across the table.

  “You are going to say something about me calling Kane, aren’t you?”

  I nod my head.

  “I’m sorry, Jay. Kane and Molly worry about you. I requested that they help me keep an eye on you. I didn’t know what else to do. You know, we just met Kane in the hospital the day after...well, after. You know. I’m sorry, he just wanted to help, and I need help.”

  “Mom, I know that asking you to trust me at this stage would be pointless, but you have got to quit being ‘helicopter mom.’ It is driving me insane. I need just a little space.”

  “I’m trying. I feel like I’m going to miss something or some clue, and next time, it will be too late.” Tears clog her voice as she speaks.

  “I’m so sorry that this has to be your life. You don’t deserve this.”

  “Jay, please don’t say that. I wish that these things hadn’t happened to you, but I would never wish for a different life. I love you, honey.” She stands, coming around the table to lean down and hug me.

  “Listen, just do me a favor. Kane needs to move on with his life. Pulling him back into mine isn’t helping anyone. I need you to do this for me, please.”

  “Okay. What do I say when he calls?”

  “When does he call?”

  “Every day, Jay. He calls to check on you almost every single day.”

  I’m stunned at her confession. He calls to check on me that often? It’s almost unbelievable. Why every day?

  “Just tell him, but don’t send him after me anymore. I also agree not to storm out of the house again either. That was immature of me. I really didn’t mean to worry you. I just needed to get away, and well, I ended up visiting JT.”

  “I would have gone with you,” my mother says quietly.

  “It was something I had to do alone. I know that I have to move on. It’s just so hard, Mom.”

  “You will always love him, but you have to live. He made his choice, and now, you have to make yours.”

  “I have made my choice,” I say, looking at her.

  “No, you have to make the choice for you. Not for anyone else. It doesn’t work that way, Jay. I wish it did, but it doesn’t.”

  My mom looks as if she wants to break down, but instead, she changes the subject.

  “I need to finish up dinner. Are you hungry?”

  “Not really. I think I’m going to head up stairs to take a shower.”

  “I could bring you up something?”

  “I’m good, Mom. Thanks anyway.”

  I hobble up the stairs and get undressed once I reach my room. I pull out my phone, turn it back on, and toss it on my bed. After showering, I lie down next to my phone and scroll through the playlists to find the perfect song. I listen as the lyrics softly envelope me. There are so many decisions that I need to make regarding my life. Today, I made one of the toughest; I let JT go. I close my eyes as my mind drifts.

  My eyes jerk open, and I automatically raise my arm to shield them from the bright lights that blind me. I rapidly blink to try and readjust my vision. When things come into focus, I realize I’m sitting in the bleachers at my high school football stadium. I’m alone. The stadium lights shine down on the field, but beyond that and the bleachers, everything is pitch black, almost as if it doesn’t exist.

  I hear footsteps stomping on the bleacher stairs, and I turn to see my devil approaching. He’s dressed in jeans and a t-shirt with the school’s logo, and he’s carrying a bag of popcorn which he seems to be devouring.

  Plopping down beside me, he shoves the popcorn at me and asks, “Want some?”

  “No. Why are we here?”

  “Football, silly. Why else would we be here?”

  At the mention of football, players appear on the field, offense set against defense. The referee blows the whistle for the game to begin, and the players act. The quarterback fakes the throw, runs through the defensive line, and heads straight for the goal line. Touchdown! My devil goes crazy, cheering and jumping up as popcorn flies everywhere.

  The familiar quarterback runs to stand before us on the field. He raises his hand to his heart and then points directly to me. He waves and turns to run off the field. The lights go out everywhere except where we are sitting.

  “What was that about?” I ask my devil who continues to stuff his face with buttery kernels.

  “I don’t know,” he says through a mouth full. “Looks like he was saying goodbye, but hey, it’s your dream babe. I’m just a player.”

  “What?” I ask, but he’s gone. Bringing my legs to my chest, I wrap my arms around them and rest my head against my knees.

  A very somber Christmas passes without much fanfare. With everything going on, I didn’t get the chance to purchase gifts. I felt like crap, but I swore to make it up to them. My parents wanted to take a trip somewhere as a family, but I asked them to delay it for now. I did offer them the opportunity to go alone, but as expected, I was met with a great deal of resistance. Actually, they looked at me like I was crazy for even suggesting it.

  The day after Christmas, I head out for a jog around the neighborhood. Upon returning home, I notice Kane’s car in the driveway. He is lounging against the car door and looking up and down the street. As I walk closer, I see that he has on grey track pants, tennis shoes, and a black North Face Jacket. A grin lights his emerald eyes when he finally spots me.

  “You should have called me to come running with you.”

  All happiness at seeing him evaporates with his annoying comment. My temper flares. “I think I made it very clear that I don’t need a babysitter.” I plant my hands on my hips and tilt my stubborn chin down.

  Pushing away from his car, he comes to stand in a combative stance in front of me. His raspy voice is almost menacing as he says, “Did I say a fucking word about babysitting? I was talking about taking a jog. You know….exercising with a friend? God, I don’t even know why I try. You drive me bat shit crazy.”

  He starts to turn away, but I grab his arm and pull him back around towards me. “Kane, listen. I’m sorry. This ‘friend’ thing between us confuses me. I just don’t want you to feel responsible for my actions, and I don’t want to interfere in your life more than I already have.” I plead with him, but he continually stares away. I watch as the muscles of his jaw tick in anger. “Look at me please,” I beg before he obliges. “I want you to meet someone and be happy.”

  “I have, Jay,” he says, looking into my eyes without bl
inking.

  How can one heart stand so much pain? Just when I think that I barely survived one heartache, another takes a cheap shot at me. It was hard enough hearing that he had a date, and now, I have to hear that it’s serious. I falter for a second as I try to put everything into place. I suppress my emotions so they don’t spill from me and reveal how I really feel. It will only make things that much more confusing.

  “Oh...okay. That’s good. I mean… that’s great. Good for you...and her. That’s awesome,” I say as I try to put an end to my rambling. He looks at me like I am the village idiot, which I probably am.

  Pinching the bridge of his nose with two fingers, he finally answers, “Yeah, listen, I came over to take you to lunch, but maybe some other time.” Walking over to his car, he opens the door and reaches in, bringing out a small wrapped box. Turning around, he says, “I got you a little something for Christmas. Actually, my mom helped me pick it out.” His cheeks pink up a little.

  Staring at the wrapped box, I respond, “Kane, I can’t accept it. I didn’t get anyone anything this year. With everything going on...”

  “Take the damn present, Jay. I don’t expect anything back, except maybe a ‘thank you’.”

  I take the box and begin to unwrap it. “Thank you. So your Mom is living here now?”

  He nods.

  “I bet you and Cole love having her close, huh?” Cole is Kane’s brother. He doesn’t like me for valid reasons, but in my defense, he hasn’t liked me from the start. In fact, I’m sure he loathes me by now.

  “Yeah. We bought her a house in Cole’s neighborhood. Since I’m still living with him, we are both close to her.”

  Once the wrapping is removed, I look down at a small white box. I lift the lid, and delicately placed inside, is a silver heart locket with matching rope chain. The heart is three dimensional, and I notice a small clasp on the side. Pressing it, the front swings open and reveals two tiny pictures. One is of JT when he was in middle school, and on the opposite side, is a more recent photo from high school. My hand covers my mouth, holding back my silent gasp. My teary gaze flies to his, which is filled with depths of compassion.

  “Your mom gave me the pictures to have sized. Jay, I know your heart is broken over losing him. I understand that parts of your soul will forever be changed by what happened, and I know you need some time. That’s why I suggested that we become friends. Not for me Jay, for you.” Stepping closer to me, he slides his fingers across my cheek, gently grasping the side of my face. “I feel your pain. God it destroys me sometimes. But what I can promise you is this: me wanting to be with you and be around you has nothing to do with your mother or Molly. It is about watching over you, but you have to understand that I watch over you because of my feelings for you.”

  He pauses, looking at me and searching for something, but what? What does he see? I watch his eyes glance down at my lips as he licks his. A flame of lust incinerates my body, making my breasts tingle and everything southbound becomes warmer and wetter. It steals my breath for a moment, making me forget my loss, my shame, and my future. Everything disappears, and only Kane remains.

  “We both need time. You need to find your own reasons to live, and I, well, I have to make sure that the feelings I have are because of us and not the situation.”

  My fire within is quickly doused by his words. Wait, what feelings? I can tell he is seeing the confusion in my eyes.

  “Whenever you need me, call me. I won’t be sitting at home, but I’ll be waiting.” Leaning down, he lightly teases my lips with his. He never closes his eyes, and neither do I. Pulling back, he turns and gets into his car.

  “Kane,” I say breathlessly as he looks up at me, “thank you for the locket. It’s the most beautiful gift anyone has ever given me, and it means more that you will ever know.” Grasping the locket tightly, I bring it to my heart.

  “He will be with you always, and I’m okay with that. I could have told you, but I wanted to show you exactly how I feel and that I understand. The question you need to figure out is if you can love,” he pauses glancing down and then back up to me, “someone again.” For several seconds, our gazes never leave one another. Finally, he breaks the moment as he turns the ignition switch, closes the door, and backs out of the driveway.

  I watch his car until it disappears around the corner. Looking down again at the locket, my mind tries to grasp what he just revealed. Or did he? In both pictures, JT is smiling back at me. Touching them with my fingertips, I remember when the pictures were taken. The first was in eighth grade. In fact, if I remember correctly, it was the day before JT broke his arm trying to rescue me from a swarm of yellow jackets one hot summer afternoon. The memory brings a smile and something that JT said to my mother that day. He said, “If Jay’s happy, then so am I.”

  When I walk into the house, my mother is standing in the doorway. Without saying a word, she holds out her hand for the locket. She must have been watching us. Shaking my head, I hand it to her.

  “He told me about it,” she says, opening the locket and looking down at the pictures. Clearing her throat, she continues, “Must take a special man to give such a precious gift.”

  Blowing out a deep breath, I reply, “Yeah. I can’t imagine why he would.”

  “Can’t you, Jay?” She knowingly looks at me, handing me the locket back. She nudges my shoulder and grins as she walks away.

  I head upstairs and remove the locket from the box once I reach my room. I gently place it around my neck and stare into the mirror. My eyes shift from my face to the necklace, and I grasp it in my hands. Saying that he is amazing for giving this to me doesn’t cut it. Nothing can come close to describing what this gift means to me and what he means to me. I am going to let him go. I care about him enough to let him find someone else without all this damn baggage. I love him entirely too much to put him through this; it’s the least I can do.

  ~~~~~~~

  Two days before New Year’s Eve, I receive a call from a number I don’t recognize. I almost let it go to voicemail before deciding at the last minute to answer.

  “Hello?”

  “What’s up, Jay?” flows from the speaker with a low melodic rhythm.

  “Rhye?”

  “Yeah, sorry I’m just now calling. I walked in the door from L.A. a little while ago. When I heard you were home, I called Cal to get your new number.”

  “What were you doing in Los Angeles?”

  “Recording some demos for a record label. Can you believe it? It’s so fucking crazy. I got the call last week, and they flew the band out there. We are waiting to hear back from them.”

  “That is great, Rhye. I am so stoked for you guys.”

  “What about you? When did you get home?”

  “Last week.” Silence falls from both sides.

  “I’m so sorry about everything that happened, Jay.”

  “Yeah, me too.”

  “Do you think you could come out to listen to us play at Vortex on New Year’s Eve?”

  “No, I’m sorry, Rhye. My parents wouldn’t go for it, and to be honest, I’m not ready yet.”

  “I get you. Just know that if you ever need to get out, you can give me a call. I know how you get when you need to escape. We can just hang.”

  I laugh. Rhye really does know me. “I could have used you last week.”

  “Damn it, figures,” he says laughing. “Well, I’ve got to get to practice. If you change your mind, call me. Okay?”

  “Sure. Listen, I’m really glad you called. Really.”

  “Bye, Jay.”

  “Bye, Rhye.”

  Hanging up, I can’t quit smiling. It felt really good talking to him. My phone buzzes, signaling that I have an incoming picture. I click “open” and burst out laughing. It’s a picture of Rhye. His dark shaggy hair still falls across his eye, but now, yellow streaks are laced throughout. His dark chocolate eyes hold so much mischief within them. He has a single hoop in his eyebrow, one in his lip, and two large gauges in
both ears. A finger is pointed at his huge smile, and the caption underneath reads, “Big ass grin after talking to you.”

  I laugh because I feel the same way. Noticing a dark spot near the corner of his eye, I click to make the image bigger. Did he get a tear drop tattooed underneath his eye? Looking closer, I realize what it is. No, it can’t be. He wouldn’t. It’s a lower case “j”. It has to mean something else. I have to believe that.

  “Jay, can we talk for a minute?” my mother asks.

  Placing my phone down, I answer, “Yeah, what do you need?”

  “I made an appointment with the new therapist that Dr. Raines suggested. Your appointments will be every Monday at noon. Is that okay?”

  I nod my head, and she continues.

  “We also haven’t talked about school. I know with the online courses that you’ve completed, you don’t lack much for your high school diploma equivalent. Your father and I have thought about enrolling you in the local community college for some courses if you want. We thought it would be a good opportunity for you to get out of the house.”

  “That actually sounds great. Let me get online and check it out.” I really do think this would be a good thing for me. I need something of my own, and it being outside the house makes it even better.

  “Well your father has contacts, so we can get you in whenever. Just let me know.”

  “Sure, Mom,” I reply. As soon as she leaves, I grab my laptop to see what classes are offered. For once, I’m excited about the prospect of school.

  ~~~~~~~

  The New Year passes with me really living it up. Yeah, I stayed in. I haven’t left my house other than to just ride around. Kane called to invite me to lunch, but when I lied and said I had plans, he didn’t press seeing me. He talked about how a new job was keeping him busy and said that he would stop by later in the week. When he hung up, I wondered if he really would.