Wedgie & Gizmo vs. the Toof

  5:15 Post-supper nap

  6:45 Another beauty nap

  WARNING: DO NOT DISTURB GIZMO DURING HIS NAPS OR YOU WILL FEEL HIS WRATH!

  But just as I curl into a comfy ball, someone enters the room. I open one eye. It is the girl, Jasmine. Oh drat! She will surely pick me up and cover me with kisses. It is not her fault that I am so loveable and kissable. I watch her warily. She stands in front of Elliot’s trophy shelf.

  JASMINE: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven . . . thirteen trophies? Wow. That’s amazing.

  She leaves. I open the other eye. Why did she not kiss me? Why did she not squeeze me? She completely ignored me. How rude!

  And why is the canine barking? I am trying to take a nap! I grind my teeth with frustration. He knows I intend to vanquish him, thus he is trying to weaken me with a lack of sleep. I will not stand for this!

  I crawl out from my sleeping chamber, kick open the front door to my Eco Habitat, and stomp across the bookshelf. Then I press my little nose to the window and look out onto the yard, from whence the barking arises.

  Thorgi is digging a hole. I am not surprised by this primitive behavior. Canines certainly know how to waste time. But I am surprised that the royal pig is helping. Whilst Thorgi digs with his front paws, the pig digs with her snout and oversized tooth. The canine’s stubby tail wags, as does the pig’s curly tail. It appears they have become friends. Why would anyone want to be a friend to a dog or to a pig? How perplexing. And why is that hole so large? It is much too big for a bone or a sock—the usual items the canine buries.

  Oh you cursed creatures! I know what you are planning. You are digging a hole large enough for a drone. I rise up on my hind legs, press my front paws to the glass, and holler with all my might. Thorgi! You will not bury my Drone of Destiny! Do you hear me?

  He and the pig pay me no mind. They continue to dig.

  Wait an Evil Minute. If Thorgi and the royal pig are working together, that can only mean one thing—the pig has become Thorgi’s sidekick. Of course! All superheroes have a sidekick. Thorgi and the Toof are in cahoots!

  I rub my furry chin. So this is my archenemy’s plan. He got himself a sidekick. He believes that two against one will give him a better chance to defeat me. Like Batman and Robin. Or like Han Solo and Chewbacca. He is mistaken!

  I shall vanquish them both!

  I am about to concoct a new Evil Plan when two human hands reach down and scoop me up. They are wrinkled, spotted hands. I look into the watery eyes of the Elderly One. She smiles at me, then carries me to the living room, where she settles onto her throne. It is television-watching time. How lovely. The Elderly One presents me with a cheese puff. It is delicious.

  New Evil Plan. I will get rid of Thorgi and the Toof later today. Right now, it’s time to nourish my Evil Brain.

  I’M SO HAPPY BECAUSE FUNNY DOG IS HERE. She likes to go for walks. She likes to roll on smelly things. But most of all, she likes to dig, just like me. We are digging a hole. We are best friends. I LOVE Funny Dog!

  THE ELDERLY ONE GIVES ME ANOTHER CHEESE puff, then turns on the television. Today’s documentary is about pigs. Why would humans dedicate an entire show to pigs? How dreadfully boring. Pigs are ordinary creatures with no real purpose on this planet. I grunt with displeasure.

  But wait. What is this I hear? The human on the television screen claims that pigs are one of the smartest animals? I almost choke on my cheese puff. Pigs? Intelligent? Has a pig ever sent a letter to an editor? Has a pig ever built an Evil Lair? Has a pig ever taken over the world? No! So what if they can find truffles? A true genius would not waste his time looking for fungus!

  DAD: Abuela, what are you doing with Gizmo?

  ABUELA: We are watching a show. He likes to watch television.

  DAD: Gizmo is watching TV?

  ABUELA: Shhh. The cavy can’t hear if you’re talking.

  Two more cheese puffs are eaten, and I am bored with this pig nonsense. There are important matters to tend to. I must get to the computer and order my Drone of Destiny. Then I must vanquish both Thorgi and the Toof. So much to accomplish!

  I hop off the Elderly One’s lap and make my way to the computer desk. I stretch across the keyboard and open the Gadgets and Gizmos website. The personal drone is still sitting in my shopping cart.

  Do I want to use the shipping address on file? I select Yes.

  Do I want to use the credit card on file? How handy. I select Yes.

  Do I want extra-special fast delivery? Yes! Then a message appears.

  I clap my paws in glee. Oh what a glorious moment! History has been made today. I wish to celebrate. Bring me another cheese puff! I order.

  But Jasmine sits at the desk. She does not offer me a cheese puff. She does not squeeze or kiss me. She scoots me aside and begins to type on the keyboard. Once again she ignores me. What could possibly be more important than covering me with kisses?

  JASMINE: Yuck, Gizmo left little orange paw prints all over the keyboard.

  MOM: Jasmine, what are you doing?

  JASMINE: Emily taught her pig to dance. That was my trick. She copied me! Now I’ve got to find a new trick.

  MOM: Are you sure Emily copied you? What if Pinkie already knew how to dance?

  JASMINE: Okay, maybe Emily didn’t copy my trick, but Pinkie dances better than Wedgie, so I’ve got to find a new trick. Look at this!

  I chuckle to myself. Thorgi is going to be trained, like an ordinary pet. How humiliating for him. No one trains Gizmo the Evil Genius. If those humans ever tried to train me, they would feel my wrath!

  What is this? Elliot is holding a little parsley stem. Oh, I love parsley stems. He spins it clockwise above my head. I spin clockwise. Then he spins it counterclockwise. I spin counterclockwise. Then he presents it to me. I chew with delight.

  You see how that works? Elliot thinks he has taught me to spin in a circle. But the truth is, I have taught Elliot to give me the food I want. I have trained him!

  Muh-ha-ha!

  MOM: Okay, I called Barkville and we can take Wedgie to the trainer this afternoon.

  JASMINE: Yay! Elliot, are you gonna come with us?

  ELLIOT: I’d rather stay here and read.

  MOM: Elliot, this is important to your sister.

  ELLIOT: It’s not important to me. Why does she care if I’m there?

  MOM: Elliot . . .

  ELLIOT: Ugh. Fine.

  The humans are wasting their time. Why bother training the canine when I intend to get rid of him? He will soon be gone!

  I yawn and stretch my limbs. My Drone of Destiny is ordered and my tummy is full. It is time for my beauty nap. When I awake, refreshed and recharged, I shall begin my second goal of the day—to rid myself of Thorgi and the Toof.

  MOM’S GETTING HER KEYS. SHE’S WALKING to the car. Jasmine and Elliot are walking to the car. Are they going for a ride? In the car? I LOVE going for a ride in the car! Hey, can I come too? Can I go for a ride? Please oh please oh please can I go for a ride? I use my superpower of barking.

  They call my name. Yes! I’m going for a ride. Are we going to the beach? Are we going to the park?

  Where are we going, people?

  EMILY: Hi, Jasmine. Hi, Elliot. Where are you going?

  JASMINE: Uh . . . nowhere.

  ELLIOT: We have to go to a dog trainer because Wedgie doesn’t know any tricks.

  EMILY: That sounds like fun. Can I come too?

  MOM: If your parents say yes, you’re very welcome to join us.

  EMILY: I’ll go ask.

  JASMINE: Mom, why’d you invite her? What if she copies Wedgie’s new trick?

  MOM: I thought you two were best friends.

  JASMINE: Yeah, but . . . okay.

  Elliot lifts me into the car. I run back and forth across the seat. Where are we going?

  Oh look, Funny Dog and Emily are getting into the car. Hello, Funny Dog. Do you know where we’re going? The car starts moving. I stand on Jasmine’s lap and stick my face
out the window. The wind smells good. Funny Dog stands on Emily’s lap and sticks her face out the other window. Do I like this window? Yes, I do! I walk to the other window. Do I like this other window? Yes, I do! I like both windows. And so does Funny Dog. I LOVE windows! And I LOVE Funny Dog!

  The car stops. The door opens, and I jump out. What is this place? I’ve never been here before. I stick my nose into the air and sniff. I smell dogs. Lots of dogs. I smell the ground, the grass, the rocks. There are dog smells everywhere. This is a dog place. I LOVE dog places!

  WELCOME TO

  BARKVILLE DOG TRAINING.

  WE’VE NEVER MET A DOG

  WE COULDN’T TRAIN.

  JASMINE: Hi, my name is Jasmine and this is my dog, Wedgie. We made an appointment.

  TRAINER: Hi. I’m Molly, the trainer. What a sweet corgi you have. What do you want to teach him?

  JASMINE: I want to teach him a trick. Something great.

  TRAINER: Oh wow, is that a piglet? That’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen!

  EMILY: She knows lots of tricks.

  TRAINER: Really? Like what?

  JASMINE: Uh . . . hello? We’re here to teach Wedgie a trick.

  TRAINER: Of course. Well, corgis are usually really good on the agility course. Let’s give that a try.

  We’re walking to a big field. There are so many places to piddle. I LOVE this place! I meet a shaggy dog. We sniff each other. We wag.

  My name’s Wedgie, but when I wear my cape I’m Super Wedgie, protector of my pack.

  TRAINER: This is Max. He’s a border collie. Max will show you how the agility course works. Then Wedgie can give it a try.

  The nice lady takes Shaggy Dog into the field. Then the lady blows a whistle. Shaggy Dog starts running. He runs around a stick, then around another stick. He climbs some steps. He runs across a log. He climbs down some steps. He jumps over another log. He goes into a tunnel. I whimper. Where is he? But then he comes out the end of the tunnel. Wow! The lady pets him and gives him a treat.

  Hey! I want a treat!

  The lady talks to Jasmine and hands her a treat. It smells salty and smoky. It smells like the best treat ever. I don’t know what it is, but I want to eat it right now. Please oh please oh please give me that treat!

  Jasmine walks onto the field. I follow. She blows the whistle. I stare at Jasmine’s hand. She points at the stick. I stare at the treat. I jump up and try to get it. She points and blows the whistle. Why does she keep doing that? I drool. I lick my lips. I want that treat. She walks over to the stairs and points. She calls my name. I follow and sit at her feet. I stare at the treat. Oh please give me that treat. Jasmine stomps her foot. She points at the tunnel. I don’t care about the tunnel! I want that treat.

  How come my superpower of staring isn’t working? I scratch her shoe. Don’t you love me? I’m a good dog. Please give me that treat.

  Hey, what’s that? Why, it’s Funny Dog. What’s she doing? She runs around the sticks. She runs up the stairs. She trots across the log. She runs down the stairs. She leaps over the other log. She goes into the tunnel. I whimper. Where is she? Then she comes out of the tunnel. I’m so happy to see her again! Everyone claps.

  Except for Jasmine. Jasmine looks sad. She drops the treat into the grass. I gobble it up!

  MOM: Jasmine, what’s wrong?

  JASMINE: Emily copied me again. She had her pig do the tricks that Wedgie was going to do!

  ELLIOT: You think she did it on purpose? I mean, it looked like Pinkie ran the agility course on her own, without Emily’s help.

  JASMINE: Of course she did it on purpose. She knows how important this is to me. But she wants to win at the pet parade!

  The lady is petting Funny Dog. Emily is petting Funny Dog. How come no one is petting me?

  I bark. Pet me! Pet me! But no one pets me.

  JASMINE: Your sign says you’ve never met a dog you couldn’t train, so how come it didn’t work?

  TRAINER: Some dogs take longer. Bring him back next week and we’ll try again.

  JASMINE: Next week will be too late. The pet parade’s in four days.

  TRAINER: I’m sorry, but we’re out of time today.

  EMILY: Did you see Pinkie? She’s so smart! She’s the smartest princess pig in the whole world. I’m going to get a whole bag of treats for her!

  Funny Dog walks over to a fence. I follow her. Whatcha doing, Funny Dog? Funny Dog shakes her head real hard. Her funny hat falls off. Then she digs real fast and covers it with dirt. Are we digging holes? How fun! I want to dig, too. But Funny Dog starts pulling on my cape. Why is Funny Dog pulling on my cape? Hey! This is my cape! Bad Funny Dog! Bad! I growl. I growl at Funny Dog.

  EMILY: Oh no. Wedgie’s gonna bite Pinkie!

  JASMINE: Wedgie doesn’t bite. Pinkie’s being a brat.

  EMILY: Pinkie’s not a brat!

  Jasmine picks me up and puts me in the back of the car. Why am I back here? I’m not a Bad Dog. Why am I in the back of the car? Why is Funny Dog in the front of the car? Funny Dog sticks her nose out the window. Then she sticks her nose out the other window. There are no windows back here. I want a window!

  Emily gives Funny Dog another treat. Hey, how come I don’t get another treat? Emily gives Funny Dog more pets. How come no one’s petting me? Why does Funny Dog get all the treats and all the pets? And why does Funny Dog get all the windows?

  I feel sad.

  I don’t love Funny Dog anymore.

  DEAR READER,

  It is early in the morning, and I am sitting in my Eco Habitat, deep in Evil Thoughts. Yesterday I ordered my Drone of Destiny. If it arrives in a timely manner, and if it is in working order, I shall give Gadgets and Gizmos a high rating. An Evil Genius appreciates good customer service. Then I will fly away and seek my Cavy Horde. I shiver with anticipation.

  Why is the Elderly One staring at me? How rude.

  ELLIOT: Hi, Abuela. Is something wrong?

  ABUELA: Your cavy used my credit card.

  ELLIOT: Ha-ha-ha. That’s so funny.

  ABUELA: I am not trying to be funny.

  DAD: Elliot, Abuela, breakfast is ready.

  As usual, I ignore the humans and their unimportant conversation. My Evil Task is at hand. Before my Drone of Destiny arrives, I must vanquish Thorgi and the Toof, to keep them from trying to bury it. Having read Elliot’s comic books, I am well versed in the tools of superheroes and villains, so I make a list of the ways I can get rid of them.

  Ways to Get Rid of Thorgi and the Toof

  Gamma ray

  Giant laser beam

  Kryptonite

  Shrinking machine

  It is a list worthy of my Evil Genius Mind. I sit back and consider these options. A gamma ray would turn Thorgi and the Toof into mutants. But what kind of mutants? Would they be stupider and weaker, slipping in their own puddles of drool? Or would they be gigantic and powerful, with dog and pig breath that could knock a drone from the sky?

  I decide against using a gamma ray.

  A giant laser beam would sizzle Thorgi and the Toof to a crisp, no doubt about it. But this would leave a rather unpleasant mess, which might be traced back to me. For reasons I cannot fathom, humans are fond of canines and pigs. They actually seem to love them. If the humans know that I sizzled Thorgi and the Toof to a crisp, then the humans might stop serving me. I can’t have that!

  I cross out giant laser beam.

  Kryptonite is an interesting option. It was used to foil Superman, the most powerful of all heroes. But it only comes from Planet Krypton. I checked on the computer and apparently that planet does not yet have internet service, so I cannot place an order.

  I cross out Kryptonite.

  Which leaves me with my final option—a shrinking machine. Yes, that does seem to be my best choice, for if I shrank Thorgi and the Toof to the size of fleas, they could not dig a hole to bury my Drone of Destiny. They would be powerless against me. On another note, it is quite possible that they would get sucked into
the vacuum machine and we would never see them again. Oh, what a glorious day that would be!

  Shrinking machine it is!

  I wonder if Gadgets and Gizmos sells a shrinking machine. I bet they do. Now, where did I leave that catalogue? I look around Elliot’s room, but it is nowhere to be seen.

  MOM: Oh no! Who put my sweater in the dryer?

  DAD: I did. I was doing a load. Why?

  MOM: It shrank. The dryer shrank my favorite sweater.

  JACKSON: Bad dryer!

  My little ears prickle. This particular human conversation interests me. I know of this dryer. It is called Maytag. There are many soft fluff balls behind it, which are excellent for nesting. I had already chosen this location for the site of my future Evil Lair. But I did not know that Maytag Dryer was also a Shrinking Machine.

  Dear reader, fortune has smiled upon me. I snicker to myself. If I can lead Thorgi and the Toof into the dryer, I can shrink them. Then I will be free to fly my Drone of Destiny to cavies near and far and form my Cavy Horde. Oh happy day!

  But how shall I get them into the dryer? It does not take an Evil Genius Mind to figure that out. Canines and pigs think about one thing and one thing only—food. All I have to do is find the food they cannot resist and lure them inside. Soon, they will be the size of gnats. Today is the dawn of a new Evil Day!

  Oooh, what have we here? Elliot has brought me a lovely strawberry top. What was I talking about? It was something important, of course. But that strawberry top looks scrumptious. Allow me to pause a moment whilst I enjoy this sweet snack.

  IT’S TIME FOR MY MORNING PATROL, BUT Jasmine’s still in bed. Wake up, Jasmine! I walk up the doggy stairs and across the blankets. I find a Cheerio on Jasmine’s bed. It tastes great! I lie next to Jasmine. I poke her with my nose. Come on, Jasmine, wake up. The sun’s shining. I want to chase squirrels. I want to bark at Brutus. I want to go on patrol. She opens her eyes. I lick her face, but she frowns at me.