Inside Out

  Rennie grinned. “Thanks. Remember you promised to help me practice. Since you’ll be in the wedding too, I can help you practice when you help me.”

  “That’s a really good idea. Deal.” She held her hand out, pinky finger extended. “Pinky swear.”

  Rennie lit up, and they clasped pinkies for a moment. “Pinky swear.”

  “Look at all my favorite beautiful women in one spot.” Brody approached, sweeping Rennie up in one arm and hugging Elise with the other. “And each one of you is absolutely gorgeous.” He looked to Ella. “I can’t say it has nothing to do with the way you can see my work, just a peek of it, when you don’t wear the matching jacket, Ella.” He grinned.

  “That won’t be happening any time soon. It’s too cold outside for that tonight.”

  “I’m telling her she should do a grand unveiling when it warms up and you finish the whole thing.” Elise leaned her head against his shoulder, and a twinge of envy soured Ella’s belly for a brief moment. What would it feel like to be able to lean on someone like that? To know they’d catch you if you fell, that they’d be there for you without fists and cutting words?

  “There you are.” Cope approached and handed Ella a glass of champagne. “Have you been hiding?”

  “More like you’ve been blinded by a sea of barely concealed woman-flesh.” Elise smirked.

  “Can’t blame that on me! I was just scoping out what new tray of goodies was coming out of the kitchen, and I was beset.” He turned his attention back to Ella. “And here was the woman I was looking for the whole time.”

  Ella sipped her champagne, liking the way his attention worked with the bubbles to make her feel light and silly. “So what you’re saying is breasts just happen?”

  “If the day is very good, yes.” He grinned, and she laughed. “Come walk with me, Ella. Protect my honor.”

  Ella rolled her eyes at him but linked her arm through his. “Where are you taking me?”

  He drew her away, weaving them through the tables and around the people until they’d ended up on an overlook with a pretty wooden bench. “How about here?”

  She sat and looked out over the water, glittering with the light of reflected stars. “So pretty tonight.” Shivering, she didn’t relay the next part, which was that it was cold.

  “Here.” He took his suit coat off and put it over her shoulders. Instantly she sighed as his warmth surrounded her.

  “God, thank you. That’s so much better.”

  “Glad to be of service,” he murmured, his body very close to hers. “I haven’t told you in about an hour or so, but you look gorgeous. Purple is really your color.”

  “Thank you. I was afraid I was too pale or that the freckles would overwhelm the color.”

  “You have the most beautiful skin, seeing more of it only helps. Speaking of seeing more, I caught a glimpse of the tattoo. I forgot to ask you last night, but when will it be totally finished?”

  “Brody will put on the final touches when I finish at the end of this quarter.”

  “He’s adding a piece with each milestone?”

  She nodded. “Yeah. I know some might think it’s silly to place so much importance on finishing a paper or whatever. But considering where my life has been, they’re huge steps.”

  “They are. I agree. So how are you? I mean really?”

  She looked at him in the quiet dark and thought about the million ways she could answer that question. “Depends on what you’re asking.”

  He took her hand and she let him, liking that he held her without crushing her, but also with some pressure. The scent rising from the inside of his suit coat made her feel drunk. He smelled really good, making it hard to think clearly without just sniffing him.

  “I’m asking whatever you want to answer.” He paused for a while, and she let him. “I figure it this way, you’re surrounded by people who care about you, and they are afraid to stir up bad feelings. So they don’t talk about it, the attack and your recovery. Now, it could be you don’t want to talk about it ever again, and I respect that. But I figure it could also be that you’d like to talk about it every once in a while with someone who has watched you triumph over a series of events that would have driven a lesser person to insanity.”

  She swallowed past the lump in her throat.

  “I’m good. With everything.” She shrugged and continued to look out over the water. “Two years ago I didn’t even know if I’d be able to walk again. Hell, five years ago I had to ask for permission to wear a certain sweater or even answer the phone.” She hadn’t meant to reveal that last bit.

  He held her hand and said nothing.

  “I’m nearly done with all this school. I may have a job when the new year starts. I have friends and family who care about me.” She sipped her champagne, draining it.

  “I’ll be back in a moment. Don’t move!” He got up and jogged around the bend. While he was out of sight, she gave in and let herself bounce her knee to free some of her nervous energy. Damn, he got to her. Maybe it was the way he was so steadfast and strong. Or his voice. Or the way he focused so totally on her, listening to what she said. Or the way he looked. Whatever it was, he left her scatterbrained and blurty.

  He came back into view with an armful of things.

  “First.” He put the things down on the bench before unfurling a blanket. “Here, this should help. Adrian told me to let you know he has more if you need them.” He sat again, getting tucked in beneath it with her. He then handed her another glass, this one warm. “Mulled wine. Erin says it’s her best recipe and to drink an extra mug for her.”

  Ella laughed. “Done.” She sipped, the warmth trailing down her throat and into her belly. “She wasn’t lying.”

  “Last, I’m so hungry I thought a plate of a few somethings might help.”

  “Thank you.” She ducked her head with a smile.

  “You’re welcome.” He tucked some of her hair behind her ear and got lost in the feel of his fingertip brushing over the skin just behind her earlobe. He swallowed and moved his hand away.

  “For everything. I mean, you’re a great listener.”

  “You’re my friend, Ella. I hope you know you can tell me anything.”

  She turned to face him, tucking one of her legs beneath her. “I know that. You’re an honorable person. I respect that. It’s just hard sometimes, hard to say what’s inside because it sounds so bad.” She blinked back tears. “I’m mostly past it, but there’s still shame. I’m still afraid, even though I have no reason to be. I hate that.”

  6

  “Scared how?” He’d deal with the shame part later. An engagement party probably wasn’t the place for that. But he could help her with the fear; it’s what he did for a living, after all.

  “Putting my work hat on for a bit, I looked your place over, just quickly, when I was there earlier. You have good locks. The building is old, but it’s well lit. I checked some crime stats, and the neighborhood you’re in has a really low crime rate, especially violent crimes. You’re three floors up, which makes the fact that you have all those windows much less of a problem.”

  “It’s not that. It’s not a fear like that. It’s ...” She chewed her lip for a moment. “I know all those things. I appreciate that you looked. I feel safe in the building. I feel safe at work. I don’t go around worried all the time. Even when I’m at work and a client goes crazy, I can handle it.”

  “Because you’re an eminently capable person. Hello.”

  “Ha. Not so much, not all the time anyway.”

  “So what do you mean then?”

  “This is embarrassing.”

  “Then don’t go on if you don’t want to. I don’t want to put you on the spot. I just wanted you to know I was around to hear whatever you wanted to say. Or not.”

  She chewed her lip for long moments, and then she blurted, “Sometimes, totally out of the blue, I go to the grocery store in the middle of the day, and I get so freaked out I can’t get out of the car.
I don’t like that . . . that uncertainty in my life.”

  Ah, there it was. Control, or lack of it. That’s what drove her now, and he got it. He could help her take control.

  He exhaled softly, taking her hand again, sliding his thumb back and forth over her knuckles. Funny how fragile she felt and what a contrast it made with how strong she really was. “Give yourself a break. First and foremost, Ella, beautiful and strong, let yourself be fucked up. A little. It’s okay.”

  She blinked several times and took a shuddering breath.

  As much as he loved his friends and celebrated their upcoming wedding, he wished quite fervently that he and Ella were in a more private place better suited to such a conversation. The last thing he wanted was to set her off balance so she’d have to explain it to anyone or feel embarrassed over it.

  She’d opened up to him in a way he was totally certain she had not to very many others. He fought back a tide of emotion. Pride in her, that she’d opened up to him, that she was so amazing. Awe at how strong she was and that she didn’t seem to get it. Anger at her ex. Fear that he’d never be able to get her past this place. Fear that he’d never have her.

  Suddenly the idea of not having her was simply unbearable.

  “I can help you. If you let me. If you want me to. I can help you with part of the fear.”

  Her breath caught. “How?”

  “A place can be safe, but this isn’t about a place, is it? Sometimes it’s just you, and then what? Is that it?”

  Tears glistened in her eyes. He nearly shut up, not wanting her to hurt more.

  “How about you let me give you some self-defense training? One-on-one. I can give you the tools to open that fucking car door and go shopping. Or at least another reason to try.”

  When she answered, her voice was small but lined with steel. “I am so very tired of being afraid and debilitated.”

  He wanted to kiss her so badly he had to swallow it back. When he’d first seen her come out, the lush plum-colored dress hugging every inch of her body, her breasts showcased pretty damned spectacularly, he’d choked on the sparkling water he’d been drinking. She wasn’t one to dress up very often or to wear more than a hint of lip gloss. But there she was, her hair shiny and smooth, her eyes and lips done up, wearing a dress that snatched the breath from him. She was breathtakingly beautiful. What he’d been the most touched by, though, was the way she’d been. More carefree than he’d seen her in years. Enjoying herself, being with her friends and, if he wasn’t wrong, aware that she looked pretty and enjoying that.

  She was blossoming, and it looked just right on her. “All right then. I know you’re busy, but how about we try for three times a week? Do you exercise regularly?” He was pretty sure she did. Her body was toned. He knew this because sneaking looks at her body was one of his favorite pastimes.

  “Not like you do.” She frowned, her nose wrinkling. “I do okay though. I work out in the mornings before I go to the café. Forty minutes every day. You, well you’re always biking and hiking and camping and stuff. And liking it. You’re going to run circles around me.” Her frown lightened, and she snorted.

  “Well, of course I am, gorgeous. I want to see you admire me when I’m all manly and stuff.”

  She laughed this time, hugging him quickly. “Thank you.”

  “No problem. We can work out in the gym space at Erin’s building. That’s where we do most of our workouts. That okay?”

  “Yes. Thank you, Andrew. Really.”

  “You can bring me lattes or sandwiches, and we can kick fear’s ass.” He grinned, and she relaxed as he’d hoped she would.

  “Deal. Earlier we got interrupted. You were going to tell me about your father.” She settled back, side to side with him again.

  “I was going to ask you why you were asking.”

  “Well, at first it was because of genetics. I think I was going to ask if he ate a lot like you. And now because of the way you answered my question with a question. I know there’s trouble because of Ben and Erin. And Todd. Is he mad at you because you took Ben’s side? Were you close?”

  That was a question and a half. Interestingly enough, one most people didn’t ask. But she did. And he liked it. There was something about sharing intimacy that wasn’t simply about sex that made him want to grab her and run away with her, keeping her all to himself. He’d never had that before with a woman. Hell, he didn’t really have that with anyone most of the time.

  It was a reminder that they’d been friends for a long time before this new twist in what they were to each other.

  “I don’t know really. Stupid, huh? We had a close family growing up. My parents hung out with Todd’s parents so much it was like we were all related. Todd may as well be my blood relation, we’re that tight. Hell, our fathers have been as close as brothers until, well, you know that part of the story. I grew up fishing and boating, wood-working and carpentry. My dad and I used to do carpentry together. He isn’t mad at me for taking Ben’s side. I think he’s just mad at the world for changing. He doesn’t understand it, and instead of dealing, like everyone else, he’s just throwing a tantrum. My mother had a hard time, but she worked it through. Ben is the favorite, so it was easy for her, I think. But my dad, he’s sort of stuck there. He loves Ben, Ben loves him and he’s still the favorite, even when they don’t speak.”

  She looked at him through her lashes. “You’re my favorite. Just so you know.”

  Her words settled in and made him warmer than he’d let himself think he could handle. It was a tossed-off sentence, but it was precisely what he wanted to hear. And on some level she knew it. Knew him.

  He grinned, resting his head on her shoulder a moment before going on. “Things are not the same, I guess. I feel bad for Ben, because he and my dad were tight. I feel bad for my dad because he’s lost Ben, and he’s not brave enough to make a step toward him.”

  “And here you are, so fabulously you, and your dad doesn’t notice,” she said quietly. “He sucks.”

  Cope laughed, the knot his father made in his gut easing a bit. “He’s old and set in his ways. That’s what my mom says. He loves us all. I just don’t think he knows how to relate to us when it comes to personal lifestyle choices.”

  “I’m sorry. I wish I could help. I’ve got my own struggles with my parents over my choices, so I don’t have much advice. Though, through all the tension, I’ve never doubted their love or support for me.” She sighed. “What’s your favorite thing to do on a Saturday morning?” she asked suddenly.

  He wanted to follow up on the comment about her family, but he’d wait. Things were heavy enough just then, so it would do to lighten up. “I’m restoring my house. I like to get up early and work on it. Silly, I know.”

  She turned and looked at him, not through her lashes this time, but those brilliant green eyes of hers locked on his. “That’s not silly at all. It’s wonderful. I had no idea. I thought you lived in a condo in Eastlake.”

  “I’m still there until I can move into the house. The condo is on the market though. I bought a house in Ballard. It’s what the Realtor called a fixer-upper. Ha! It was a total mess. But that’s sort of what I wanted. I wanted to take on a project where I could make exactly what I needed. Obviously I can’t afford to build from scratch, especially here in the city, so I’m doing the next best thing and restoring.”

  He wasn’t sure why he’d just told her all that. He rarely spoke about his love of carpentry. His friends and family knew about the house and the project, but not the extent of what he was doing.

  People tended to think about him in certain ways. It didn’t make him bitter or angry; he tended to be the most laid back of the men he knew. But it was close to his heart.

  “That’s awesome, Cope. I’d love to see it sometime. I can’t do a whole lot of construction stuff; I don’t really know how. But I can paint and plant things. If you ever need help, I hope you’ll call me.”

  He grinned. “Really? I can always use an
extra pair of hands.”

  “Yes, of course. I’m a pretty quick learner if there’s something I don’t understand.” She said the last, her chin jutting out almost defiantly.

  Some things went deeper than a physical scar. “He told you you couldn’t do anything?”

  She hesitated so he stayed quiet, waiting for her to decide to share.

  “Sort of. He was good at it. He didn’t”—she ducked her head—“he didn’t hit me all the time. Just to underline a point here and there. But he was an expert at making me feel small and dim. I played my part, and now that’s over. Even with my family and friends though ...” She sighed. “It’s just that sometimes people have this idea of you. They know you in certain ways, and it’s like they’re incapable of seeing other facets. It’s not done out of meanness, but it limits nonetheless. A person is more than just who they were growing up, or one horrible period in their life.”

  He didn’t say a word. Just squeezed her hand and looked out over the water and glittering lights. He knew what she meant. More than he could express to her just then.

  The stuff she’d shared was major and deep, personal, and he was hungry for more. It was a chore not to push her to share. But he got the feeling she needed to tell it at her own pace, so he reined it in.

  “I used to be a cheerleader.”

  Well now.

  “You should know I have a thing about cheerleaders. Can you still do the splits? Do you still have the uniform? Um, when I say that, I mean cheerleaders of age and all. I’m a pervert, not a deviant.”

  She laughed. “Glad to hear you’re on the right side of that divide.” She was quiet for a while before she added very quietly, “I used to be someone else.”

  “No. You used to have a different sort of life. And now things have happened to change you.”

  “No. I used to have no fear. None.” She shrugged. “Everything was an adventure, a challenge to be taken.”

  “I’m not the same person I was when I was twenty-two either. Who could be? And who’d want that?”