Effortless: HarperImpulse Contemporary Romance

  Feeling his arms band around me quieted my pounding heart. We held each other like this for the longest time.

  “Go to bed, love.”

  The absolute deadness in his voice destroyed me. I looked at him, searching for a way to break through this wall. There was no way. He was unreachable, lost to the depths of thoughts only he could see.

  I lifted his hand and placed it over my heart. Parting his lips, he moaned. “Lia. Don’t.”

  “Feel me.” I pulled his hand down my chest. “Touch me.”

  “Please don’t,” he whispered hoarsely.

  I refused to let him succumb to the emotionless black hole he’d disappeared into for far too long.

  “I want you. I love you.” My lips brushed his cheek. “Tell me you love me, Alastair. I need to hear you say it.”

  He gripped my arms so tight, I gasped. Clenching his jaw, he shook his head. “You have no idea what you’re doing to me right now. Please don’t.”

  As rigid as his body had become, mine was lax in his arms. I bowed my head, grasping for ways to break through to him.

  “This wasn’t your fault, Alastair. There wasn’t anything you could have done to—”

  “I should have insisted that Paxton pick you up,” he yelled. “I should have sent him with you in the first place. You had no business being at that concert without protection. That will not happen again.”

  I stared at him, horrified at how hysterical he sounded. “You can’t control everything.”

  “Yes I can,” he snapped. “I have been my entire life.”

  I wriggled free and stood up. That was the root of the problem right there. He kept a tight leash on every aspect of his life so he wouldn’t be thrust into chaos. I paced his office like a caged animal, stopping in front of the cluster of photos hanging on the wall. The sad little boy throwing leaves in the air still lived in him. I thought after everything we’d been through, he’d finally left that boy where he belonged; in the past.

  Turning to face him, I saw the man I’d met in April. Stoic and unreadable with eyes as hard as stone, he stared into nothing. The transformation was flawless and complete. I longed for the man who’d taken me to Paris only forty-eight hours ago. I longed to see him playful and happy and open. Tears stung the corners of my eyes.

  “I feel like I’m losing you, Alastair. I’m losing you and it’s effortless.”

  He didn’t look at me. He didn’t even flinch.

  * * *

  Work was my oasis. I was actually happy to be sitting in the weekly editorial meeting listening to Sam, Robbie and Julian bicker back and forth. The weekend had passed like a bad dream that I was still living. Alastair had stayed holed up in his office preparing for a conference call with a production house in Los Angeles. At least that’s what he told me. We barely spoke after what happened Friday night.

  Stephanie went to Olivia’s shower and texted me every two seconds to tell me how bored she was and how good Brent looked. Then she went out with Colin on Saturday night and forgot Brent ever existed. I don’t know what she was looking for in her relationship quest but when she found it, or if, I hope it lived up to her expectations.

  By lunchtime I was twitchy and on edge. More so than I’d been all weekend. Julian was out with a field producer on assignment and Sam was stuck in meetings for the rest of the afternoon with some corporate bigwigs from our parent company. I tapped a pen on my desk, staring at the framed photo of me and Alastair. It was from my first weekend here. We’d gone to his cottage and spent more time in bed than out. I’d wanted to take an impromptu couple picture so I’d grabbed his camera. The photo was candid and sweet. I’d timed it just as he was kissing my cheek.

  My chest tightened. I don’t know how many more of his Grand Canyon sized mood swings I could survive. This one had to be the worst. His distance killed me. I figured giving him some space and time to process what happened would be best but my patience was wearing thin.

  I don’t know what possessed me to pick up the phone.

  “Mom?” I said when she answered.

  “Lia. This is a nice surprise.”

  “Well, you know, just thought I’d say hi.”

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing. I’m…I had a shitty weekend.”

  I heard shuffling noises in the background and knew my mother was pushing aside some magazines or whatever she’d been reading to give me her full attention. “What happened?”

  I recounted the accident, complete with having to confirm every three seconds that I was, in fact, physically fine. I don’t really know what advice I was seeking from her. I just figured she’d help give me some clarity.

  “He had a rough start to life, Lia. He lost the people he loved the most and now you’re the person he loves the most. What happened Friday night probably shook him and he feels like he almost lost you. The accident might have been minor to you but to him it’s astronomical. I’m not going to pretend I know what’s going on inside his head but I will say that after seeing the two of you together I have no doubts that you’ll be able to work through this.”

  “I just wish he wouldn’t push me away like this. I wish he’d let me be there for him.”

  “Men compartmentalize. You know that.”

  I sighed. “Yeah but with him it’s survival mode. I really thought we’d made a huge breakthrough the other night in Paris. He was so open and…I don’t know.”

  My mom’s soft chuckle filled the gap in conversation. “Paris. I thought men like him didn’t exist in real life.”

  “Mom.”

  “Don’t let this consume you. I’ve told you this before but it bears repeating. The heart is vocal in situations like this. Listen to it. Don’t be afraid of what it tells you.”

  “I know that. It’s Alastair who needs convincing.”

  “Give him time. This is a bump in a very long road the two of you are traveling down. Be there for him even when it feels like that’s the last thing he wants.”

  Talking to her made me feel a little better. I promised to call again before the end of the week and hung up. The words in the script I was staring at blurred. My level of concentration was nonexistent. Since anybody who was of importance was either on a shoot or in a meeting, I decided to call it a day at four-thirty. I told Meredith if anything major happened to call me on my cell phone. Grabbing my coat, I went down to the lobby. I stood there for a long time, staring at the traffic outside. As I turned, I bumped into Paxton.

  Of course he’s here.

  “Is everything alright, Miss Meyers? Are you heading home?”

  “Will you take me to him?”

  “Of course.”

  The ride to the financial district felt like an eternity. I don’t know why I was so nervous. When Paxton parked in front of the modern glass building I stared out the window. The name Holden World Media hung proudly in large brushed steel letters over the main entrance. I took a deep breath and went up to the top floor.

  Simone greeted me with her trademark look of disinterest. I couldn’t for the life of me understand why he’d hired such an unpleasant person to be the first human contact people had when they came here. She’d be rather pretty if she cracked a smile.

  By the time I reached her desk, she had the phone in hand. “Miss Meyers is here for you,” she said. “Right away.” She put the receiver down and motioned for me to go in his office.

  Alastair stood with his back to me in front of one of the large windows. I highly doubted he was admiring the breathtaking view of Glasgow. His office was as pristine and well put together as he looked. More smoke and mirrors for the general public and business associates so they wouldn’t see the damaged man behind the mask.

  His suit jacket was draped over the back of his chair. I liked it when he wore three-piece suits. I dragged my eyes over his charcoal gray pants and vest. His arms were folded in front of him but I knew a silver tie rested on his crisp white shirt. I wanted to slide my hands through his dark red hair, tangl
ing my fingers in its thickness.

  Turning his head to the right, he looked down and spoke. “I’m glad you’re here, kitten.” He swiveled his body to face me. As always, he took my breath away, even though his eyes were cold as ice.

  “Are you?” I asked with a bit more uncertainty than I wanted.

  Wincing against unseen pain, he nodded. “I have a video conference call in fifteen minutes but you can stay as long as you want.”

  The rich, velvet sound of his accent lulled me into believing we’d be able to work through our problems. I wanted that with every fiber of my being. He walked around to the front of his desk and sat on the edge. I still hadn’t moved from the center of the floor.

  “Come to me,” he commanded quietly.

  I did, surprised when he wedged me between his thighs. I thought I felt a tremor but dismissed it. Brushing back my hair, he traced a finger over the bruise on my temple. He didn’t have to say anything for me to know it bothered him to see me injured. As impassive as his expression remained, I knew every twitch of his jaw muscles signaled what he felt deep down.

  Overcome by my love for him, I leaned in to kiss him. My heart shattered when he restrained me and turned his head.

  “Don’t,” he breathed. “It’s too much.”

  “Stop fighting it. You haven’t let me touch you or kiss you all weekend. It’s driving me crazy.”

  “You and me both.”

  “Then why are you being this way? Why are you making me feel this way?”

  “I told you. I don’t know any other way to be.”

  “That’s bullshit,” I snapped. “I refuse to let you wither away and lock yourself behind that fucking wall.”

  The sun escaped from behind a cloud and blazed through the window, reflecting off my diamond and shooting fractured, fiery shards of light on Alastair’s clothes and the floor.

  His bitter laugh clashed with the gentle way he held me. “It’s the only place I’m safe, Lia.”

  “Are you serious right now?”

  “I can’t control myself or the way that I feel when you’re near me,” he said through clenched teeth. “I’m like a loose cannon. I’ve lost my grip on that goddam cliff and now I’m scrambling. Don’t you understand?”

  “I understand that you’re being selfish right now and using your family’s death as a crutch and a way to destroy any happiness you might have. You’re shutting me out. What I don’t understand is why you just can’t let yourself love me.”

  The stinging echo of my words filled every corner of his office. I shook, defeated as he let go of my arms. I’m such an asshole. Something shifted in the air between us. A rift had opened, puncturing the love that bound our souls.

  Running a hand through his hair, he squared his shoulders. “I’m going to be in London for the rest of the week. Paxton will be here if you need him.”

  “Alastair I’m—”

  “You’ve said all there is to say, Amelia.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “So am I.” The love and affection that gave his eyes the glow I adored was gone. He stared at me dispassionately.

  “Mr. Holden, your call with Los Angeles is starting soon.” Simone’s detached voice floated through the intercom on the desk phone. Alastair turned and held down the talk button.

  “Thank you. Have them start reviewing the specs. I’ll join them in a few minutes.”

  I backed away, shocked at how tightly he’d held me between his thighs. I shouldn’t have come here. I made everything worse. My presence was hurting him. I could see it even though he was shrouded by the protective shield.

  “When do leave for London?”

  “Tomorrow morning.”

  “Please don’t work late tonight.”

  A small tremor streaked through his body. It was subtle but it was there. “I have to start this call now.”

  Swallowing down the acerbic taste of regret, I showed myself to the door. Glancing over my shoulder, I noticed he remained sitting on the edge of the desk with his hands folded. He never did come home that night.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  “It’ll be just like old times. Only in a way better condo.” Stephanie squeezed my shoulder and carried my overnight bag upstairs. I’d decided to stay with her on Tuesday night mostly because I couldn’t stand being in that house by myself. The townhouse she shared with Darren with beautiful. Since she moved here, she added a more feminine touch to the space with her love of scented candles, bright pops of color and quirky artwork. Much like their friendship, everything gelled together with ease.

  “I’ve been ordered to make you some tea, young lady,” Darren said with a wink. “Just honey, right?”

  I smiled. “You got it.”

  Settling onto the oversized couch, I let out a huge sigh. Work had been a challenge today so relaxing with good friends was just what the doctor ordered. Stephanie bounded down the stairs and flopped on the couch next to me.

  “I don’t think you’ve been here since, like, the weekend after you arrived.”

  “Has it been that long?”

  “Yep. We went on that picnic in the freezing cold, remember?” She shivered for emphasis.

  “Come on, Steph. It was twelve Celsius out. That’s a luxury for us this time of year.” Darren placed the mug of tea on the table in front of me. “Wait until the winter really gets going. You’ll wish you were basking on Cocoa Beach.”

  “I already do,” she grumbled. “I didn’t think I’d miss that damn city this much.” She turned to face me. “Do you miss Orlando at all?”

  “Sometimes,” I shrugged. “I miss Sydney and the guys at the station more than the actual city. Although, running at Cranes Roost Park would be heaven right about now.”

  “You should play tennis with me,” Darren exclaimed. “That one doesn’t want to break a sweat so it’s hard for me to get into the game.”

  “Why don’t you just double up with that girl you keep staring at every time we’re on the court. I’m sure she’d be a much better partner for you.”

  “Could be.” Darren looked thoughtful. “But then I’d miss out on all this quality time with you.” He ruffled Stephanie’s hair, much to her immense displeasure. If I hadn’t known them as well as I did, I’d be a huge advocate for the two of them hooking up. But they were friends, great friends. Nothing more.

  “Do you see what I have to put up with daily?” she squealed.

  I sipped my tea, half listening to their faux brother-sister bickering. Darren continued to tease her, forcing her to exclaim -on more than one occasion- that she’s an only child for a reason.

  “Alright, Meyers. No pouty face,” Stephanie said, throwing an arm over my shoulders. “Every time you pout I’m going to make Darren sing Total Eclipse of the Heart. Believe me, you don’t want that to happen.”

  “Watch it now,” he said. “I have a great voice.”

  “For dogs, yes. For humans, not so much.”

  Amused, I frowned on purpose. “But what if I want to hear him sing?”

  “Oh no,” she groaned. “Now you’ve asked for it.”

  Darren stood in the center of the room, bowing to an audience of two before clearing his throat.

  “Those judges on X-Factor don’t know what they’re missing.” He smiled and launched into the most tone deaf, horrible version of that song I’d ever heard. The hilarious part was how passionate he was as he sang. At one point, he spread his arms wide and looked to the heavens while out-of-tune notes and the occasional incorrect lyric saturated the room.

  “Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time,” he screeched.

  I laughed and clapped, encouraging him to do more. His enthusiasm was contagious. I hopped off the couch to join him and launched into a so-so rendition of Don’t Stop Believin’, because, why not.

  “You’re both going to make me go deaf and I’m only thirty. Stop.” Stephanie covered her ears and smiled. Satisfied that we’d performed the greatest concert ever in the history
of living room concerts, Darren and I rejoined Stephanie on the couch. For the rest of the night they did their absolute best to keep my mind off of a particular redhead who’d disappeared to London.

  We had wine and beer. We laughed. We even made a pizza. I was fortunate to have a strong support system here and I hugged them both fiercely before we retired for the night.

  I sat on the bed in Stephanie’s room, pulling at the comforter. It was all I could do stop myself from looking at my cell phone to see if any texts were waiting. My best friend climbed into bed and snuggled under the covers. The last time we slept in the same bed was during a weekend in Daytona. We spent the entire night up talking about the most random life stuff and then ditched the hotel room for the beach to watch the sunrise.

  “So, how are you feeling? I mean, your head is okay from the accident?”

  “Oh yeah, I’m fine. The bruise is fading which is nice. I still can’t believe that guy ran the light.”

  “Bad drivers are everywhere my friend.” She looked at me. “I’m going out with Colin again tomorrow night. The band has a few days off.”

  “Wow. Another date. Sounds serious.”

  “We had a good time on Saturday. I’m really excited to see him again.”

  “No more Brent, then?” I asked, shifting to face her.

  She frowned. “Nope. He’s a great guy but I’m not cut out for that lifestyle. No offense.”

  “None taken.”

  “I mean, he treated me like a queen but I always felt like I owed him something. I don’t know what to do with myself with all the fancy dinners and nice cars and expensive houses and…it’s just so not me. Don’t get me wrong. The sex was amazing. I’ll miss that.”

  “But you have Band Guy now. I’m sure he fills the void.”

  “I don’t know.” She lifted her shoulders and scrunched her nose. “We didn’t sleep together.”

  “Really? The way you were talking about the date I assumed you guys had.”

  “Nope. We sat up all night talking.” She gave me a look. “I know. Who am I, right?”