Ruining Me

  Reed looks right at me and he sounds so sad. “When did rape become a joke?”

  I gasp and stutter, “Th-that’s not it. It wasn’t like that Reed. Just don’t read anything into this okay? Please?” My voice begs him and so did my eyes. Looking at Molly I could see the pity in her eyes and she shakes her head at me. “I’ve got to go guys. I’ll see you both tomorrow.”

  Not waiting for either of them to respond, I jump in my car and start to pull away only glancing up once in my rear view mirror. Molly was leaning into Reed for a hug and he was staring back at me. They finally faded from my view the faster I drove away. Isn’t that what I always did lately? I ran away from everyone and everything. Once I started thinking everything was getting easier, I realize this shit was never going to end.

  I drove to the lake. There is this spot that JT would always take me to so we could just sit and talk. It’s a wooded area that has a gentle slope to the water. Parking my car I get out and sit on the back of it. It was so quiet and so peaceful here.

  What was the point to all this pain? Having to either feel it or deal with it, hurt too many people that I loved. It hurt me. The notes were because he wanted me to hurt. He really got off on that. I didn’t turn him in and it gave him power over me. Doesn’t he know that I would end it all before I would tell anyone?

  Two weeks ago I could have told you just how and where I would end this life. My life didn’t mean anything to me anymore. The only thing that mattered was the control that I had over it. I swore when I lost that again, it would be time. I pretty much had ended all ties to those that I love so that my death wouldn’t hurt that much and what have done? I’ve ruined all that. These past couple of weeks, I’ve re-attached those ties and made new ones.

  My phone chirps alerting me to a text message. I pull it out of my pocket and see that it’s from Kane.

  Kane - how was school? working late tonight but will try to be at your house by 9...late dinner okay?

  I place the phone beside me. What am I doing? Could I hurt this beautiful man? Would I want to see his beautiful eyes dim toward me if he were to learn my secrets? I look back over the water and that’s when I hear a car pulling in behind me. I turn and notice immediately that it’s JT’s truck. He should be at football practice. What is he doing here? He jumps out of the truck and marches right up to me. His face is red and the rage pours off of him.

  “Why aren’t you at football practice?” I ask trying to deflect his anger.

  “Fuck football practice. What did that motherfucker Rhye do? Don’t you lie to me again Jay. I swear, I will beat you to within an inch of your life if you do, and then you’ll have a valid reason to be scared of me,” he yells in my face.

  JT is so angry and his jaw tightens as he grinds his teeth together. I know that I need to calm him down. Placing both of my hands on his shoulders I calmly say to him. “Calm down JT. I’ll talk to you, but you have to calm down.” He looks at my hands and then back at me. I notice he takes a deep breath.

  “Reed told me about the note. I was watching you all day. God, you and Molly and Reed talking again just gave me hope for me and you. I watched what happened in the parking lot. After you left I cornered Reed and made him tell me why you all looked upset. He told me about the note and flower on your car. Molly said she only grabbed it off your car and read it because she thought your new boyfriend had left it for you, but Reed said it wasn’t from him. He thinks that Rhye left it. Is that who forced you Jay? Was he the one that took you away from me?”

  I gasped. “It wasn’t like that with Rhye.” JT narrows his eyes at me and I continue, “He didn’t force me JT and he wasn’t my first.” I knew I had to give him something and that was as close to the truth as I could get for now. He backed away from me and turned around. He stood staring at the lake.

  “So what, you like it rough then? Does it get you off that someone has to take it? Is that what I’m missing?” His voice was low and he still faced away from me. His hands were gripping his waist tightly. JT’s next question was low but I still heard it. “I was supposed to be your first Jay. Why wasn’t I your first?”

  Jumping from the car I walk to stand behind him. A love so intense fills me. I still loved this boy that stood in front of me. For the life of me I wish I didn’t, but I did. I place my hand on the middle of his back and whisper to him, “I was saving me for you.” His body started shaking with emotion and he tried to turn around, but I wouldn’t let him yet. “No don’t turn around. I just want you to listen to me and I don’t want you to look at me.” I stroke his hard muscular back shoulder to shoulder and he lowers his head to his chest.

  “I know you’ve guessed what happened. I’m not going to lie to you anymore and say it didn’t. God knows JT that I’ve lied to everyone and I have my reasons. If I could go back and change time I would, but I can’t. I’ve begged you to move on. You have to or you will destroy me and you both. I can’t talk about it. I can only beg you to let it go. Please dear Lord, just let it go.”

  His breathing halted and I could feel it from my hands on his back. “Why didn’t you tell me? Why Jay?”

  Clearing my voice I continue to rub his back not sure if I was comforting him or myself. My body was warming and I was standing so close to him I could see the hairs on the back of his neck standing up.

  “I was ruined for you JT. I wanted to come to you whole. I was ashamed and then things just continued to get worse. The longer I ignored you the easier to break away it became, but I never stopped loving you. I can’t stop loving you.” My voice whispered to him.

  He suddenly turned around, but didn’t touch me. We stood almost nose to nose. Looking into those clear blue eyes I knew I would always love him. That he would always hold a huge part of my heart forever.

  “You still love me,” he stated. It wasn’t a question because I knew he already saw the answer in my eyes. He slowly brought his hand up and rubbed the tips of his fingers across my lips. Closing my eyes, I feel his lips on mine. Lightly he kisses me, but he keeps his arms at his side. He speks in between kisses, “I love you Jay. I’ve always loved only you. Please just love me.” His words rip me apart. How much damage had I caused this beautiful boy? I owe him this and I want to give him a little part of me. Just enough to heal him, but I couldn’t think about what it would cost me.

  Reaching for his face, I cradle his cheeks in my hands. The bruises are a faded green color now where Kane had hit him. My mouth finds his and I kiss him. He groans but he doesn’t reach for me. Years fall away and I remember with a vengeance how much he was a part of my life. Sucking on his tongue he finally grabs my hips, but he doesn’t pull me toward him. Instead he pushes me away. My breath was coming in pants and so was his.

  “That is the second hardest thing I’ve ever done,” he stated between breaths. “I have to be sure Jay. Are you choosing me over him? Is that what this is?”

  I know he means Kane. His eyes pray for me to answer his questions with a yes and I want to, but I was confused. Turning around, I walk toward the lake’s shoreline. The sun was mirrored on the water and it gleamed gold. He came and stood behind me.

  “Do you know what I miss more than anything?” He speaks softly behind my ear. “I miss that you were my best friend, and we told each other everything. It didn’t matter how corny or stupid it was. You always listened, and you never laughed. We would come out here and just talk for hours. When you walked away, I had no one to talk to. No one Jay.” He pauses and I don’t know what to say. The silence was killing me though.

  “I love you JT, but I think I love him too. This is such a mess and I didn’t plan this. I honest to God thought I was over you and now just realizing I never was.” Lifting my hands I cover my eyes. He steps up behind me and pulls my back against his chest. Wrapping his arms around me, I lean back against him. He kisses the top of my head and lowers his mouth to my ear.

  “I have one question for you. Can you give me just as much of a chance to be with you as you give h
im? I don’t want to say that you owe me that, but if I have to fight dirty for you I just might. Please Jay, I’m asking that you just give us the chance that we should have had in the first place.”

  How could I not give him this chance? I had to do it for both of us and maybe it would give him and I both the closure we needed. Nodding my head yes I turn toward him.

  “I have to be honest with Kane and tell him.” JT nods his head at me and leans down to kiss me. His kiss is gentle and I lean back.

  “I can wait. Honestly Jay, I was planning on waiting forever anyway.”

  Smiling up at him I return, “You were huh?” He smiles back at me.

  “I’ll take you anyway I can get you Jay.”

  Our conversation was broken by the ringing of his cellphone. I think it had been ringing for a while, but we ignored it with our little drama going on.

  “JT you need to get that.” He groans to let go of me and reaches for his phone.

  “Shit,” he says as he glances down and reads his text message. “Jay, I’ve got to get back to practice. Coach is threatening to bench me for the first game if I don’t go back now. Can I come by your house tonight?”

  “Kane is coming over. I need to talk with him.” I could tell he was pissed, but he tried to hide it.

  “Well just promise me this. Don’t be with him, okay? If you are really going to give us a chance can you please just promise me that?” Looking at him I decide that a little more honesty would help.

  “We haven’t had sex yet, if that’s what you’re asking.” His eyes fill with relief and I finish, “I promise that until we decide about us, I will not cross that line, but I don’t want to use either of you and I’m not going to lie, I do have strong feelings for him.”

  He kisses me fast and pulls back. “I just want one more chance with you. Like I said, I’ll take it any way I can get it. The only thing I ask Jay is that you’re honest with me.” He kisses me once more and says, “I’ll text you later.” Walking toward his truck he looks back once more before getting in and driving away.

  What did I just do? I lean against my car and shake my head. What was I going to tell Kane? I have really strong feelings for him and I didn’t want to let him go, but I love JT. I had to talk with Kane. Damn, I forgot he texted me earlier.

  Me – That’s fine…See you tonight…

  I would talk with him tonight, but damned if I knew what I would say.

  Chapter 7

  It was dark when I pulled into my drive way. I had driven around for a while after I left the lake with no set destination. I had stopped by the deli near my house on the way home and bought some sandwiches for Kane. Texting him when I was there to let him know that I had dinner covered. I brought everything into the house and went ahead and laid them out on the kitchen counter. It was close to nine o’clock and Kane should be here shortly. My phone vibrated in my pocket.

  JT – I love you Jay.

  Closing my eyes I take a deep breath. What have I done and what am I going to say to Kane? My thoughts were interrupted by his voice. I had left the front door unlocked for him.

  “Jay, where are you?”

  “I’m in the kitchen,” I answer him. He walks in smiling and his cloths were dirty. His shirt and pants were covered in dust. Leaning in he gives me a kiss and looks hungrily at the spread of food on the counter.

  “Goodness I’m starving, but I want a shower first. I’m going to run upstairs and then I’ll come down and eat with you, okay?”

  “Yeah, that’s fine.” He kisses me again and turns to run upstairs.

  Moving around the kitchen, I take out the plates. Opening the fridge I grab him a beer and set it on the counter. He was back before I had everything opened and out.

  “Thanks for getting dinner,” he said as he reaches for me and kisses me so deeply that my knees go weak. He pulls himself away and looks me in the eyes. “What’s wrong Jay? I can tell something is bothering you.” I push him away and shake my head no.

  “Let’s just eat. What can I fix you?”

  “Stop Jay.” I look up at him. “First, we are going to talk about whatever it is that is bothering you.”

  I sigh and sit down on the bar stool. “I had a talk with JT today.” He looks at me, waiting for me to continue, “Things are just so complicated with us. He wants me to give him another chance.” Kane leans back against the counter and crosses his arms and legs.

  “Did you tell him that you had a boyfriend now?” His eyes never leave mine.

  I lifted my eyebrows and ask, “I have a boyfriend?”

  “Fuck yeah you have a boyfriend. Damn Jay, did you not listen to me this morning?”

  “I think I would have remembered if you had said you were my boyfriend. In fact, the only thing I’ve heard clearly is that you don’t want anything serious.”

  He leans up and uncrosses his legs and arms. “I didn’t want anything serious, but I keep ending back here with you. Seems to me that question was already answered. So what did you tell him?”

  I close my eyes and whisper, “I told him that I thought I might be in love with you.” Looking up I see Kane’s eye grow warm, but they snap shut when I finish, “but I also told him that I just realized today that I was still in love with him too.”

  His voice was low when he asked his next question, “Who do you want to be with Jay? That’s what I want to know.”

  “I don’t know Kane. We’ve just met, but part of me feels like I’ve known you forever and I do have deep feelings for you. You have to understand, there were things that happened that pulled JT and me apart. There was never any closure for us and we need that. I owe that to him.”

  “You don’t owe him anything. Just answer me Jay. Me or him? It’s one or the other because it sure as hell isn’t both.” His eyes now were hard and he was pissed.

  “I want you Kane, but I promised to give him a chance.” I went to grab his arm, but he pulled away from me.

  “That’s not how it works Jay. You can’t be with me while you decide if you want to be with him.” He was shaking his head and started to walk out of the kitchen and up the stairs. I followed him.

  “Kane, you don’t understand. Please just stop and listen to me.” I walk behind him into my bedroom where he must have unpacked an overnight bag earlier. He begins packing everything back up. Grabbing his shaving kit before he can touch it, I hold it away from him. “Please just give me five seconds.”

  He stands with his hands on his hips and asks, “Him or me Jay? Tell me now.” I start to panic because I knew he would walk out forever and I didn’t want to lose him.

  “You Kane. It’s you that I need to be with.” Reaching for him I try to kiss his mouth, but he turns his face from me.

  “You need to be with me Jay or do you want to be with me? Which is it because to me it makes a difference? I’ve come to care so much for you in such short period of time, more than anyone else before you. I don’t want to get hurt Jay, and just so we are clear, you can hurt me.”

  I look deep into those eyes and say what was in my heart. “I said need because with every fiber of my being I feel that you and I were meant to be together. That all this pain and fear that I have experienced would be worth it for just one moment with you. If you want me to say that I want to be with you than that’s true also. I want you so bad that my mind and body hungers for you so much that just one look, one word from you, and my body goes up in flames. I want you Kane and I desperately need you.”

  Kane reaches for me and kisses me hard. His mouth devouring mine and we both start trying to undress each other as the fire rages higher. I push his shirt up and off and he tries to unbutton my shirt and finally gives up and rips it open. Buttons jump everywhere landing on the floor, but his lips never leave mine. My hands went to his shorts and I tug them down as he steps out of them. Staring into his eyes the entire time, he finally pulls his mouth from mine. He unsnaps my shorts and they drift down my legs, leaving me in only my bra and panties and him in
his briefs.

  “Jay,” my name comes out like a prayer. “Be mine. Be only mine,” he whispers to me.

  “Yes Kane, only yours.” I answer and his eyes close. He leans in and kisses me gently, clasping both of my hands at my side. His soft lips move across my eyes and tears spring behind them. My hands ache to touch him so I try and pull my hands free, but he keeps our hands locked together. Finally his eyes slowly open and I see what is shining so brightly within them.

  “I love you too,” the words leave me.

  He groans and finally releases my hands so he can pick me up. I wrap my legs tightly around his waist and one of my hands wrap around his neck, while the other runs across his shaved head. He carries me to the bed and lies down on top of me. Unhooking my bra he pulls it away and his breathing changes becoming heavier. Kissing down my neck to my chest, he slips his hand under the edge of my panties and starts to drag them down. Suddenly he moves his hand and mouth away from me as I try to pull him back.