Ruining Me

Sitting in his truck, I realize I need to call my parents so I get my phone out. I have over thirty text messages and calls. Most were from Kane, JT and Molly wanting to know where I was. One was even from Reed. A couple of them were from my parents and the last two text messages sent from my phone catch my eye. They were sent to Kane’s phone.

  Me – This is JT. She is safe. Rhye called me to come and get her because she had passed out. My mother is with her now.

  Me - I’ll have her call you in the morning.

  Kane – Thanks

  Rhye had also sent me a text this morning.

  Rhye – Here for you always. I called the one for you. See you around.

  JT looked at me as I read my phone.

  “I text him from your phone to let him know you were okay and with me.” He looks at me sheepishly. “I didn’t do it to hurt him or anything. I would have wanted to know you were okay if he had been the one Rhye called.”

  Leaning over the truck console I kissed his cheek. “That’s why I love you so much.”

  We arrive at my house minutes later and Kane’s silver Crossfire is parked in the driveway. JT looks over at me.

  “Give me your house keys and I will go on inside to wait for you.” I nod at him and give them to him.

  We both climb out of his truck and Kane gets out of his car. JT nods at Kane and walks by us both going up to the house. He stops at the door and looks back at me, but then unlocks the door and continues inside. My eyes go to Kane’s and I can tell that he hasn’t slept again.

  “I’m sorry.” I don’t know what else to say.

  He nods his head and says, “So am I. It’s unfortunate really. I think we could have had something special. We really didn’t have a fair chance, but I need you to know something Jay. I don’t hate you. I’m hurt. I realize that I backed you into a corner the other night and I know you meant what you said, but that didn’t change your feelings for him, did it?”

  This time I shake my head no. He sighs and rubs the back of his neck. Glancing up to the house he asks, “If he wasn’t here would you have chosen to live for me? Could I have been that for you?”

  “Yes, you made me want my future again. The only problem is he was my future first.” A tear slides down my cheek. He steps closer to me, but doesn’t touch me. He gently leans over and kisses my cheek.

  “I love you Jay.” He didn’t look at me and walked back to his car and drove away. I stood there for a second and wiped the tears away. JT didn’t deserve to see me cry over Kane. From this point forward I am going to prove to him that I was worth the wait.

  Walking up to the house I went to find him. He was in the living room sitting on the couch. I plop down into his lap and he laughs as he kisses me.

  “I was holding my breath not wanting to take one second with you for granted,” he says to me.

  “I’m all yours.” I kiss him deeply back. He stands us both up and slaps my butt.

  “Go get dressed before you get me in trouble. I would miss school in a heartbeat if the first game wasn’t tomorrow night. I got a future to plan now,” he says and my heart melts.

  Looking in his eyes I reply, “So do I.”

  Taking a quick shower I think about the bottle of pills I have hid. I don’t have time to get rid of them now, but I will this weekend. Wanting to look pretty for JT, I throw on my short white sundress and strappy white sandals and blow dry my hair straight. Adding some quick lip gloss, I take one last look in the mirror and walk downstairs.

  He’s waiting in the foyer and he watches me as I walk down the stairs. I can see the hunger in his eyes. Stepping off the last step he walks to me.

  “You’re beautiful Jay. Thank you for choosing me.”

  “It was never a choice. Always you JT. It’s always been you for me.” He smiles against my lips as he brings me in for a kiss.

  “Let’s go to school. I can’t wait to let everyone know that your mine.”

  He grabs my hand and pulls me out of the house to his car. I remembered to call my parents on the way there and let them know I was okay. I was pretty vague answering their questions. They said they were coming home Friday night and we would talk. That didn’t sound good.

  When we arrive at school, I realize we are running a little late. Running through the parking lot we both laugh. JT grabs me before we go in the building and kisses me. He walks me to my first class and stops just inside of the door so that the whole class can pretty much see us. He gently cradles my face with his hands and kisses me again. You can hear the whistles from the class room.

  When he pulls back he looks at Cal, who is already sitting down and says, “Take care of my girl.” Cal lets out a big laugh and calls back to him.

  “Since it seems you are marking your territory, why don’t you go ahead and pee on her why you’re at it?” All the guys around Cal laugh at his statement.

  JT just shakes his head at Cal and looks back to me. “I’ll see you after class. Love you Jay.” One last kiss and he’s gone.

  Cal winks at me and I know he’s happy. I laugh because I haven’t been this happy in forever. The whole day goes wonderfully. Rhye smiled at me in second period, but that was it. I apologized to Molly and Reed and they were so understanding. We made plans to hang out at the football game Friday night and then at the party afterwards at Cal’s house. It was like the last two years hadn’t happened and this was how my life was supposed to be.

  JT took every chance he could to let the school know we were back together. During lunch he was either rubbing my arm or holding my hand, but somewhere he was always touching me. In Art class, Miss Kell smiled at me, but didn’t try to talk to me again. Hopefully she realizes that I am moving on.

  After school JT walks me to my car that had been here overnight. He had football practice, so he kissed me goodbye and said, “I’m coming straight to your house tonight after practice. I won’t be able to stay long because of the football curfew, but I will need to see you before I go to sleep.”

  “I’ll be waiting for you.”

  Since I couldn’t be with JT, Molly and Reed went shopping with me and then we had dinner. We had such a great time and before I knew it, I was back at home waiting for JT. I had bought a new dress for tomorrow night just for him because it was his favorite color. I knew that the little red strapless dress would drive him crazy and it was finally time for me to have JT.

  I heard the doorbell just as my thoughts were getting good. Smiling I open the door for JT and he is grinning right back at me. Jumping into his arms I wrap my legs around his waist and kiss his lips.

  “Happy to see me?” He laughs at me, but I know he love this.

  I bite his bottom lip and suck it into my mouth. My body trembles when he groans. Kissing him more deeply he walks with me wrapped around him inside the house and I kick the door closed. He carries me to the stairs and all the way up. When we make it to my bedroom, he sets me down and looks at me.

  “Are you sure Jay?”

  I nod my head at him and say, “I’ve waited forever for you. I don’t want to wait another minute.”

  He grabs me and kisses me deeply. We both remove our clothes within seconds. I stand back and look at his body. He has a man’s body now with sinewy muscles from football. Running my hands up and down I commit every crease and crevice to memory. His blue eyes are so vibrant and the love shines through them.

  He looks into my eyes and says, “My turn.” He bends my head and kisses my neck and traces his mouth down my body. “I love your body Jay. My dreams didn’t do you justice.” There is a smile in his voice. He kisses both of my breast and runs his hands down my stomach. He grabs my hips and pushes me back on the bed, but doesn’t follow me. He leans back and grabs his jeans and pulls a condom out.

  “We’ll take this slow. Tell me if I rush you.” He lies down beside me and smiles. His strong hands trace up and down my body and he kisses my neck. Reaching over I pull him toward me.

  “JT don’t make me wait any longer.” My breath i
s coming quicker and I ache for him. He climbs over me making sure not to rest all of his weight down. Looking into my eyes he grins again. He opens the condom and places it on.

  “I love you Jay,” he says as he slides into my warmth. It feels so good and I feel so full and JT groans. “Forever Jay. I am going to love you forever.” His movements are slow at first with both of us just enjoying the moment of finally being together.

  JT’s body quivers above mine and his movements quicken. My body reacts to his and we are both breathing heavily now. “Come for me Jay. I can’t wait baby.” My body explodes with his words and he follows. He lays on top, resting his delicious weight on me. I run my hands up and down to the middle of his back.

  After a minute he rolls off and kisses me on the lips before walking to my bathroom. My body hums with contentment. I watch him come through the door gloriously naked walking back and sliding next to me in bed. He laughs when he looks at my face.

  “Your eyes are lighting up like you want more. You’ll have to give me a pass on a second time. If I didn’t have a football game tomorrow night, I promise you couldn’t get rid of me. In fact Jay, I’ve been thinking about something.”

  I tear my eyes away from devouring his body and answer him, “What?”

  “I want to get married.”

  Now he has my attention. I give a nervous laugh. “Ok, maybe someday?”

  “No Jay, I want to marry you now. We’ve wasted so much time and life is way too short. I know we are just in high school, but I know I want to spend my life with you. It’s not enough to be with you. I want to sleep next to you every night and watch over you so I can keep you safe.”

  “Have you lost your mind? We are just now starting our senior year of high school. Then you have college and hopefully now I might too. I’ll marry you, but sometime way off in the future.” I’m stunned.

  “Maybe I have Jay. These past two years have changed me. I’m afraid that if open my eyes that you will disappear and that scares me. I was so afraid that I would get here tonight and you wouldn’t let me in. That you had changed your mind.” He snuggled me closer to him.

  “I’m not going to change my mind. Not ever. No matter what happens, it’s you and me.” Looking into his eyes he nods at me.

  “Just think about it okay?” I don’t want to fight with him so I nod yes. “I’ve got this stupid football curfew and my Mom warned me to only stay an hour. Can I stay tomorrow night?”

  “My parents are supposed to be home, but we’ll work something out. We can always stay at Cal’s.” I wiggle my eyes at him and he starts tickling me making me laugh out loud.

  “Yeah, we can do that,” he says happily getting out of bed. Crossing my legs, I sit on the bed and watch him dress. Before he goes into the bathroom again, he throws me a t-shirt and panties.

  “Get dressed so you can walk me out.”

  “Yes Master,” I say and laugh.

  He mutters, “I wish.”

  Once we are both dressed, I walk him downstairs.

  “Jay, I hate to leave you. It’s tearing me up inside. Think about what I said. Okay?” He kisses me and groans. “Love you. Lock the door and turn on the alarm.”

  “Love you too.” My voice shakes. All the emotions that I feel for him rushes at me. He’s finally mine and tears cloud my eyes.

  “Jay what is it? You’re scaring me baby.” He grabs me and pulls me toward him.

  “I’m just happy,” I say. He kisses me and pulls back.

  “Me too Jay. Me too.”

  “I’m okay. Just go. I can’t wait to sit in the stands tomorrow and cheer you on.” My face raises to his and I kiss his cheek.

  “And I’m sleeping with you tomorrow night, right?” He asks me. I nod my head because too many emotions are choking me up. He kisses me one last time and walks out the door.

  I go upstairs after I lock the house up. Turning some music on from my playlist on my phone I decide to check my text messages. I had a couple.

  Molly – Party tomorrow night!!! Are you and JT going to stay at Cal’s? I love typing “you and JT.” J

  Jill – What happen with Kane? He got pretty hammered tonight and when I ask about you he told me to talk to you. Hope you’re okay sweetie….

  Mom – We’ll be home late tomorrow night. Love you!!!!

  I text back Molly first.

  Me – We’ll probably stay at Cal’s. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Can’t wait to hang out with you guys.

  Texting Jill back was harder. I didn’t know what to say.

  Me – I’ll talk to you later about everything. Kane and I are done. I am back with JT. Long story. I’ll come see you next week.

  While I was texting her back my phone chirped.

  JT – Tonight was worth the wait. You are my LIFE. Love you.

  Me – Yes it was. Love you!!!

  I lay down in my bed still smelling JT on my sheets. Cradling my pillow to me, I fall asleep thinking about him.

  Sitting against the bathroom door I look at the test I hold in my hand. Two fucking lines. It’s the fifth test I’ve taken in the last hour. I had driven to the next town so no one would see me buy the pregnancy test kits. They all had the same results after I had peed on them. I think back over the last month.

  The first two weeks after the rape I told everyone that I had the flu. My teachers sent my homework home and since I had never missed school since kindergarten, no one questioned me. The only problem was me refusing to see Molly, Reed and JT. They had started getting a little suspicious. My mom was there every day taking care of me and delivered the news that I didn’t feel good.

  The third week home I knew that I would have to go back to school. I called JT on that night and told him that I needed some time apart. Shocking him into silence at first and then he begged me to come over, which he did. My Dad kept him away from me. Finally after a couple of nights of him camping on the front yard and blasting love songs toward my windows, I went out and told him there was someone else. He broke down in front of me and called me a whore. Maybe I was.

  Breaking things off from Molly and Reed was harder. I picked a fight with Molly when she finally got past my Mom one afternoon at my house. Telling her that she was way too immature to hang out with and that she needed to grow up pretty much nailed the lid shut on our friendship. I had known for years that Reed secretly loved Molly and I knew that me being mean to her would turn him against me also.

  The thought of getting pregnant never crossed my mind until yesterday morning. I became nauseated as soon as I woke up. Knowing that I was a week late on my period should have clued me in, but the combination of both got me to thinking. Leaving my house for the first time in weeks, I drove to the drug store. Standing in the isle just staring at the test, tears roll down my face. I knew what the outcome would be. Grabbing five different tests, I take them to check out and drive home.

  My mind races with a million thoughts. The world didn’t stop for me and it wouldn’t stop if I weren’t in it anymore. I’ve pushed those away from me, who would hurt the most. What would it take to end it all? I don’t think I could pull the trigger or cut gashes into my wrist. The most logical for me would be to go to sleep and not wake up.

  First I have to take care of this. My cousin had told me of a place that a friend of hers had went to last year to have an abortion. I call her and get all the information and make the call for an appointment the next day. My cousin had offered to take me so I call her back and swear her to secrecy. She will pick me up the next day. I tell my mother that we are going shopping and then spending the weekend at her apartment. She’s just happy that I am getting out.

  The next morning my cousin drives me to the clinic. I sign in and a nurse brings me back to a room. She performs an ultrasound and then takes me to her office. She explains the procedure and then asks me again if I understand. I nod to her. She then has me undress and put on a white hospital gown. After that, she leads me to a small white room. Metal chairs line the walls and gi
rls of different ages and ethnicity sit in them.

  At first no one says anything, but then one girl starts to talk about why she is here. She says this is her third abortion and evidently this is her choice of birth control. After she finishes an older woman says that she has a disease that could be passed on to a child and she is choosing to abort. One after another they lay down their sins maybe looking for atonement that I already knew would never come.

  When everyone had spoken but me, I look down at the floor and take a breath. “I was raped,” I whisper. I don’t look up and no one says anything else. Eventually a nurse comes in and one by one calls our name. I am led to another room and placed on a table with my feet in stir-ups. The doctor is talking to whoever is performing the anesthesia about where they will play golf this afternoon. He tells me to count down from ten. I don’t remember anything past eight.