Ruining Me

  Me – Missing you…..

  Within minutes my phone vibrates back.

  Kane – damn baby you look fine…..miss you too

  I arrive at school early that morning. Walking down the hallway the school spirit was thick in the air with the opening football game this Friday night. Welcome to the South where football Gods reign supreme. I still wasn’t sure how I was going to handle JT. First thing, I needed to make sure was that he hadn’t spoken about the other morning to anyone.

  Walking down to the cafeteria, I am hoping I might catch him eating breakfast. When I was walking in, he just happened to be walking out. The bruises on his face were turning a light green and the scratches I had made were scabbed over. He was sporting two black eyes.

  I touch his arm and ask, “Hey, can we talk?” His blue eyes were heavy with sadness.

  He nods his head and replies, “Sure.” I follow him outside the cafeteria building to sit on some lunch benches.

  Sitting down he crosses his arms and legs. He wouldn’t look at me and just hung his head. I notice that everyone that walks by glances our way. Leaning in I lower my voice.

  “I’m sorry about the other morning. I wanted to check on you and make sure you were okay.”

  He looks up at me and says, “I would never have hurt you Jay. You’ve known me almost your whole life. I just wanted you to sit still long enough to think about us, but all of the sudden you went berserk. Did you realize what you were saying, while you were fighting me Jay? You kept saying, not again, please not again. You scared the shit out of me and then your new boyfriend comes running in thinking I’m attacking you and starts whaling on me.”

  I couldn’t listen to any more of this. “I don’t want to talk about it JT. Not ever. I am begging you to never make me.” He went to touch my arm and at the last second pulls his hand back. I could tell he was terrified to have any contact with me. I continue in a hushed whisper, “You have to move on. You have to let go of us and what happened. Just concentrate on getting your football scholarship.”

  He grunts, “Not you too? That’s all I hear from Coach Branch that I need to leave you alone and concentrate on football.”

  I didn’t want to talk about anyone else. “You have to move on,” I plead with him.

  “Like you have moved on Jay?”

  “Yes JT, like I’m trying to do.” That was about as honest as I could get.

  He gasps and lowers his head closer to me and says, “I need to know what went down that night. The truth, and I then I can move on.” I jerk back ready to tell him the same statement I have always said, but he stopped me before I could. “No more lies, just the truth for once. If you really want me out of your life just tell me what happened.”

  I shake my head back and forth and whisper, “No.”

  JT stood up and then turns back to me. His body is shaking and the pain in his eyes is visible. He leans in close to me and through gritted teeth says, “Someone hurt you and took you away from me. You weren’t some girl that I didn’t know. You were my world. The reason I smiled every morning when I woke up. I went to bed for the last two years remembering how you felt in my arms and how your lips tasted. I looked at you and seen my future. These last two years have been hell for me. If you don’t want me back then fine, I guess I’ll have to live with that, but I deserve to know why and who ruined that for me. So unless you can tell me the truth, we have nothing more to say.”

  He turns around and left me sitting there. I wasn’t sure how long I sat staring at nothing. I was jerked out of my thoughts when I heard a voice behind me.

  “Well Miss Stevenson, it was nice meeting your new boyfriend the other night.” Coach Branch stood looking at me. He had a football in his hands, juggling it back and forth. He steps closer to me and continues, “However, my wife and I think he might be a little too old for you. Not to mention he looked like he could be a little rough. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

  I held my breath hoping he would walk away. I was always so anxious around him. Stepping even closer to me he fumbles the ball out of his hands and it hits me square on my chest. He reaches for it and his hand grazes my breast. I take a swift breath in.

  “Goodness, I am so sorry. The ball just slipped out of my hands,” he said looking not one bit apologetic.

  I jump away when the warning bell rings for class. “James you need to get to class,” a soft feminine voice said to me. I turned to see Miss Kell watching us. She almost looks upset and her eyes volley between Coach Branch and me.

  “Yes Ma’am,” I said and walk away.

  “Have a nice day James,” he said to my back and I never turned around.

  I walked straight to my first period class. Cal was waiting for me at the door.

  “You are one hard woman to get in touch with. What the hell have you done to JT now? He just shoved me against the wall when I tried to ask him a question.”

  I walk past him into class and say, “Let it go Cal.” I sit down and Cal sits down right beside me. The bell rings but evidently Mrs. Davis wasn’t ready to start class yet.

  “He’s a walking zombie out on the football field. He’s got to get his head in the game or we are going to lose on Friday,” he said.

  I notice that everyone around is exceptionally quiet and paying more than enough attention to our conversation. I whisper back to him, “What do you want me to do Cal? I can’t give him what he wants. I’m sorry, but I can’t.” Tears burn my eyes and blur my vision. I can’t allow these emotions, because I am so afraid if I ever start crying, I will never stop.

  Cal grabs my hand and begs, “Tell him that you’ll come and support him this Friday.”

  “That’s not what he wants Cal. Plus I have a date this Friday,” my shaky voice replies.

  “I’m not saying as a date, just as a friend. Tell him you’ll come and watch him play.”

  “I’ll think about it.”

  Class finally begins and we don’t say anything else to each other. I didn’t see JT the rest of the day, however, I do think about what Cal said. My mind is numb. Cal doesn’t know what JT wanted and I do not know what to do.

  When I arrive home, Kane sends me a text.

  Kane - Want to come work out with me tonight? Come downtown to the gym at 6:30.

  Me – Sure…I’ll see you then.

  I set my phone on the kitchen counter and walk out to our pool. Sitting down on a lounge chair, the sun gently warms my face and I close my eyes. Thoughts run through my mind. What am I going to do about JT? How am I supposed to fix him when I can’t even fix me.

  As I lay there, I hear my name being called from the back gate door. I knew that voice immediately. It is the same voice that that had shared all of her secrets since we were kids. I unlock and open the door to see Molly standing there. Her fire red hair was pulled back in a ponytail and she had on a cute maxi dress. She smiles at me.

  “So is bitch season officially over?” In that moment, I just wanted to wrap my arms around her, and admit how much I had missed her. Struggling with the quiver in my voice I look back at her.

  “It was a long season.”

  “Ready to talk about it?” Molly was never one to beat around the bush. We walk over to the chairs and she sits down next to me.

  I hadn’t talked to Molly in almost two years. Not since the day after everything unraveled. I remember waking up that morning in the shower. The water had eventually lost its warmth and I don’t think I had even noticed when it turned cold. My naked body shook from the chill and my teeth clicked together loudly. I had bit down on my tongue and the taste of copper filled my mouth.

  Slowly I stood and groaned at the soreness between my legs. I made myself walk out of the shower not even drying my body and glared into the mirror. Silent tears rolled down my face. There were dark purple hand prints on my arms and thighs. I could see two sets of teeth marks that surrounded both of my nipples.

  As I stared at the stranger in the mirror, I wondered why her body wasn’t
more broken. Shouldn’t the skin be more mangled and torn? I was instantly angry with her. Why didn’t she look as bad as I felt? She still had her skin. She was still protected. I hated her. Didn’t she understand what her pretty face and pretty hair had gotten her? Before I knew what I was doing, I picked up my brush and hurled it at the mirror. Glass shattered everywhere. Shards flew down to my feet, and nicked scratches along my leg.

  Now her image matched mine. The body was jagged and mismatched in the broken reflection. I don’t know how long I stood there. My legs shook from standing still for so long. My eyes never leaving the girl in the mirror or what was left of her. I barely made it to my bed before my legs gave out. I climbed in and buried my entire body underneath the covers.

  My parents had been out of town and were not due back for another two days. I was supposed to be at school because it was a Friday. It was the second week of my sophomore year. I remember my home phone and cell both ringing for the next several hours. I’m pretty sure I heard the doorbell chime and someone must have been knocking on my front door. I forced all memories out of my head. Nothing seemed real.

  Molly’s voice floated from the hallway. I had forgotten she had an emergency set of house keys and also knew the alarm code. She walked into my room.

  “Jay, where the hell were you last night? You were supposed to meet Reed and me for pizza after cheerleading practice. JT freaked because you didn’t call him either. He couldn’t leave school today to check on you, so here I am.”

  In that moment, I knew I didn’t want her to know what happened. No one ever had to know. Pulling the cover down, I stared at her. When I spoke my voice was hoarse. “I’m sick Mols. Must be the flu or something. You don’t want to be here to catch this. You should probably leave.”

  “Damn Jay, you look bad. Should I take you to the doctor?” Molly looked scared for me.

  “I’m fine. Just need to sleep. Tell JT he doesn’t want to catch this bug and I’ll call him tomorrow.” I pulled the cover back over my head letting the dark envelop me.

  “Just call me if you need me. Love you Jay.” I heard her muffled voice and then the door clicked. I knew she would tell JT. I was sick.

  I heard the click of her shoes go down the stairs, and out the door. What was I going to do about Molly and Reed? They would know instantly that something was wrong. Oh my God, I didn’t know how I would face JT. I was ruined for him now. He would never understand what happened. I know I could go to the police, but then everyone would have to know. I’ve seen the T.V. shows where the girl goes to the hospital. NO. No, I didn’t want to deal with that.

  He got what he wanted. I had been begging for it he said. Wasn’t it just the other day that I was flirting with him in P.E. at school? God, I did flirt with him. It was my personality, but everyone knew I was JT’s girl. Like the rest of the school, I thought he was super cute. I remember him sending secret smiles during the day at me and I never thought anything of it.

  The more I thought about it, I knew that he was right. No one would ever believe me. He would leave me alone now. We could go on as if nothing happened. Just not as before. I would keep this secret from everyone. I could be strong and put this behind me, but I would have to let Molly, Reed and JT go. They would guess instantly what had happened. It would be better for everyone.

  Making myself get out of bed, I dress in my sweats. Walking towards the bathroom, I stopped myself before stepping on all the shards of glass that covered the floor. I would have to clean that before my parents got home and tell them I accidently broke it. Later as I swept the glass away, I could see my reflection in the bigger pieces. That girl was taken away with the trash.

  The sound of Molly’s voice broke my thoughts and brought me to the present, “Jay, I miss you. Reed misses you.”

  Finally the tears start rolling down my face and I hang my head down. I have really missed them too. Molly grabs me and wraps her arms around me. My body begins to shake from the sobs and for the first time, I cried and let my burdens go. Molly just held me and strokes my back.

  “I’m so tired Mols. I’m just so damn tired,” I cried. We sit huddled together and eventually my body stops shaking from the sobs. We watch the sun set in silence, with my head on Molly’s shoulder.

  Finally she speaks, “I was so mad at you when you wouldn’t talk to me. I thought we told each other everything and suddenly you wouldn’t let me in. Mad really doesn’t describe it. You shut me out. You shut Reed out. You killed JT. When you started being bitchy to everyone and stopped hanging around us, I hated you more. I was so stupid not to stop and think that something could have happened to make you act like that.”

  My body froze and all I could think about was that JT must have talked to her. Molly continued speaking, “I’ve been thinking about that lately. That first month you had the flu, and were out of school so much that I didn’t see you. We would all come to your house and you refused to see us. Then when we would talk, you were such a bitch. I think it was easier for Reed and me to hate you because we had each other. We could convince ourselves that you thought you were too good for us, but what you did to JT demolished him. I know now we should have all known you better, but hell Jay, we were all hurt.”

  She stopped talking when her voice choked up. I couldn’t stand it anymore. My world of control that I had built was crumbling by the second. My body and mind was exhausted. I let out a sigh and told her what I could.

  “Molly, I can’t talk about what happened. Not now, maybe not ever, but I miss you. God, I miss talking to you and Reed so much. So many times over the last two years, I’ve automatically picked up the phone to tell you both something and then realized I couldn’t. Right now I’m so fucked up that I don’t even want to deal with my shit. If you can just give me some time to work some things out, but at the same time be my friend again, I would really appreciate it. You can’t ask me about what happened yet. Can you do that Mols?” I begged her.

  Molly looked down and then looked back at me. Tears ran down her face along with her mascara. “Yeah Jay, I can do that. I’ve missed you.” I grab her and hug her hard.

  “Okay no more crying. I want you to tell me everything I’ve missed with you and Reed.” She pull back and finally smiles.

  We sat outside for hours and she told me about how her and Reed finally hooked up. Not a shocker there. She spoke of her and Reed’s future plans, and how they were worried about being separated by their choice of colleges. The night air turned chilly and I continued to listen. She did as I asked and didn’t ask me about that night or the following month.

  “So are you seeing anyone? Everyone is guessing that your new boyfriend was the one that beat up JT.”

  I didn’t want to talk about that either, but I had to give her something.

  “Ugh, that was a total misunderstanding. He’s really an incredible guy.” She smiles and knocks my knee with hers.

  “Go on, what does this guy look like and do I know him?” I laugh and was going to tell her what a hottie he was when I remember I totally blew him off this evening.

  Jumping up, I look down at her. “Shit, I just remembered I stood him up.” I run inside and grab my phone off the kitchen counter. It was almost ten o’clock at night and I had several text messages from him.

  Kane - I’ll meet u outside the gym

  Kane - R U coming???

  Molly must have followed me inside the house. “Is he mad at you?”

  “I really don’t know. It’s crazy Molly because I’ve only known him for about a week now, but it feels like so much longer. We have this crazy connection and when I’m with him, for the first time in years I feel whole. The only problem is that since he came into my life, everything I’ve built around me is falling apart. He’s working two jobs and trying to build a company with his brother. He barely has time for me, much less my emotional complications.”

  I hear the roar of a motorcycle outside the window and know instantly who it is. “Well I guess you are going to meet h
im.” In that instant, I realize how red and swollen Molly’s eyes were and knew mine matched hers. “I’m guessing my face looks as red as yours,” I ask her?

  She laughs and says, “Best friends always tell each other the truth and girl you look a hot mess.” I actually giggle with her. The doorbell chimed and our laughter grew louder.

  She followed me to the front door. I heard her gasp behind me when she finally saw him through the door.

  “Holy hell Jay. That is one fine man.”

  I could only nod in agreement. When I opened the door, I noticed first off he must have come straight from the gym. He had on a ragged t-shirt and baggy gym shorts with black tennis shoes. His eyes went from mad to looking concerned when he saw my face.

  “Did something happen Jay?” He grabs me through the door and pulls me toward him. Crushing me in a hug, I feel his body tighten and realize he finally sees Molly behind me. I pull away and introduce them.