On Agate Hill

  February 5, 1873

  Dear Diary,

  I can scarce write this, it is not that I am cold but exited!

  I was coming down the little stairs this morning when someone pulled the doorbell, giving me a terrible fright, for who could it be? Our bell has not rung in months.

  Molly stop. Dont open it. Selena stuck her head out of Uncle Junius room.

  My heart bumped in my chest as I disobeyed and ran to throw the latch. I thought it must be something terrible, something about Washington. The hanging negro turned on the rope in my mind.

  A tall man dressed all in black stood on the wide stone step of the piazza. His big black hat and his mustache were frosted with crystals of ice, his breath made a cloud in the air. Beyond him through the chilly fog I could barely see —thank God!—Washington out there hitching up a huge gray horse to the post.

  The mans eyes were deepset and dark, his brow jet black though his beard was shot through with gray. He did not smile, but stared at me intently.

  I am looking for Miss Molly Petree, he said.

  I am Molly Petree. I took a deep breath and stood up tall.

  Of course you are. You look just like your mother.

  I do not, I said.

  You do. He looked me up and down as if to memorize me. Allow me to introduce myself. I am —

  I know who you are. A deep thrill passed through me.

  For Diary dont you remember this photograph of my daddy with Simon Black, the boy he went to war with? See, here he is, this rough looking dark-haired boy with the stern face and the piercing black eyes, he is the very opposite of my fair and handsome father. Here he is. He too was born and grew up on the place at Perdido where his father was the blacksmith and farrier, a trade Simon Black took into the war and followed until they made him a scout, for he could out ride anybody. I knew all these things.

  I knew him too. Immediately.

  Selena stood in the door. For once she appeared speechless.

  Selena this is Simon Black, I said. My fathers best friend from childhood.

  Selena inclined her head with her wrapper clutched at her throat, she scarcely even bothers to dress these days.

  Pleased to meet you, said Simon Black. I bring you news from town. First, I am sorry to say that Doctor Lambeth is ill. But after a fortunate encounter with young Washington, I have taken the liberty of delivering this medication to Mister Hall myself. He produced the vial from a pocket deep in his long dark coat and handed it to Selena.

  Ah. A change came over her face. Well hello there, she said, as if she knew him. Please come in, Mister Black.

  Thank you. He came inside the house and closed the door behind him. I stepped back. I was wearing some old woolen trousers that had belonged to one of the dead boys.

  Welcome to Agate Hill. Selena had recovered her manners.

  Thank you, he said, taking off his hat. Actually I had the pleasure of visiting here twice previously during the last year of the War, with Mollys father. He looked around. Suddenly I was aware of all the mud and mess in the hall. But Simon Black went on, Now I find Agate Hill . . . diminished. But you must pardon me. I am not a civilized man, and I have been out of this country for many years now. He cleared his throat. Well. I should like to see Junius, he said.

  He is so ill. We are not —, Selena said.

  It is very important.

  To my surprise, Selena stood aside.

  Simon Black entered the smelly room with me trailing behind though Selena grabbed my arm and pinched it. Stay, she said, but I would not have stayed if my life depended on it. A low lamp burned, and the spirit lamp hissed in the corner. Simon Black dumped a pile of clothes off a ladderback chair and pulled it over next to the bed where Uncle Junius lay twisted to the side breathing open-mouthed while his arm hung down to the floor. May be he has already died, I thought, but then Simon Black got up close to his face and said, Junius.

  Uncle Junius dark eyelids fluttered.

  Selena came closer.

  Junius, Simon Black said.

  Uncle Junius opened his milky eyes.

  You know who I am, Simon Black said.

  Uncle Junius eyes seemed to change somehow though still he did not speak.

  Good. I am sorry to find you like this Junius. And I am sorry it has taken me all these years to get here despite the promise I made to Charlie so long ago, after the battle at Bentonville. I should have come to you sooner. I should have come to you then. I should have done many other things as well. But the fact is that I was sick, sick unto death of this poor bloody and broken land. I needed more room. I had to get out of this sad old history. So I did not look back, and I swore I would never come back either. But recently I had a —tragedy— and I have undergone a change, and I am here to fulfill my obligation to Charles Petree, for in fact I owe him this life which I do not much want yet can not get rid of either.

  This strange speech sounded like something in a play, like something Simon Black had been planning to say for a long time. After delivering it, he fell silent.

  They thought you was dead too, Selena said after a while.

  He gave a short laugh. Perhaps I was dead, he said. Perhaps I am dead still. But the fact is that I never surrendered with the others at the Bennett farm house, I rode off from there headed for points south where I have remained ever since. And now I am too late. She is gone.

  Who? Selena asked.

  Why, Alice. Alice, of course.

  The way he said my mothers name gave me a chill.

  I am too late for Alice, yet not for Molly. He turned to look at me, then addressed Selena. Clearly you are all in some distress here. Perhaps I could lighten your burden by taking charge of Molly and—

  Dear Diary I can not say how I felt at this moment, so furious and scared to death with my heart beating hard in my chest. I could scarcely breathe.

  But Uncle Junius hand flapped back and forth against the bed like a chicken with its head cut off. Get out of here Simon, he said finally. By God I am not dead yet.

  You heard my husband, Selena said. He is Mollys guardian.

  Simon Black turned to look at her. I always respected Junius Hall, he said. Yet I gave Charlie my word as well. He stood up and put his hat back on. He seemed to fill the room. He inclined his head to Selena then strode across the floor, silver spurs clanking, to pause before me. Molly I am pleased to make your acquaintance at last, he said.

  I said nothing, for I was terrified.

  Good bye then, he said from the door before he closed it.

  Well I never, Selena said.

  Uncle Junius made a terrible gurgling sound from the bed as a dark liquid flowed down the corner of his mouth. Selena rushed forward. Get Liddy, she said.

  April 16, 1873

  Dear Diary,

  I am so sorry I have not written for so long, my mind goes around and around so fast now that all is a blur I can not slow it down long enough to put pen to paper.

  But I will try. I will try.

  Uncle Junius died.

  Uncle Junius died, and the next thing I remember, we were all riding out to Four Oaks. We had got dressed up as best we could, it was Godfrey and Blanche, Victoria and me and Selena and Liddy all jammed into the carriage, Washington driving. Selena wore Fannies black hat with a veil and Fannies black velvet evening cloak to hide the baby. Victorias dress was too small while Blanches was too large. I wore one of Fannies dresses too, I am big enough now for ladys clothes though I hate to wear them.

  I rode with Godfreys knee jabbed into my back but did not say a word. I felt that if I spoke, I might explode and blow away in dust along the roadside, never to be seen again.

  It felt so odd to be going to Four Oaks by road instead of through the woods, it was like a journey to a strange new place. It was sunny and cold. We bounced in the deep muddy ruts, Selena gritting her teeth. The casket bounced in the wagon ahead while Rom drove and Spence waved at everybody.

  Look. Victoria punched me and pointed and I turn
ed back to see the Bledsoes coming in a carriage behind us and somebody else in a wagon behind them. By the time we got to the big public road there were others behind us too, and people lining the road all along the privet hedge and the old stone arch and the lane, holding their hats in their hands. It was the whole countryside negro and white turned out for Uncle Junius. But I couldnt tell who they were because we were driving straight into the sun and now I was crying so their faces were all a blur to me, as blank as the face of Robert E. Lee my man doll.

  We got out and went up onto the porch. To my surprise there were Julia and Rachel, crying and hugging and kissing everybody including me, but not Selena. No one spoke to Selena. She stood apart holding Blanches and Godfreys hands, chewing the inside of her cheek.

  A new minister Mister Ricketts spoke the words but I did not listen, instead looking out at Uncle Junius coffin which lay on a bier in the yard and remembering how Mary White and me played dolls in the roots of those oaks only last summer which seems like another lifetime or like it was some other girl who did that, who laughed and played so free.

  Amen, Mister Ricketts said. Then all sang Amazing Grace led by Julias pure piercing voice.

  Amazing grace, how sweet the sound

  That saved a wretch like me!

  I once was lost, but now am found

  Was blind but now I see.

  I do not believe that Uncle Junius is now found, and I do not think he believed it either.

  The pallbearers were Spence and Rom and some of Uncle Junius and Aunt Fannies former slaves including Big John who used to lead us around on Spencers old pony. They took up the bier and walked down the old farm road and across the Big Field and up the rise where all are buried, my entire ghost family, with Mama Marie and Aunt Mitty lying close together beneath their pile of new red dirt. A marble spire points up to the blue sky on top of the rise just beyond them, that is Big Papas marker. Old Ben stood leaning on his shovel by the open grave which was next to Fannies. I looked at Selena but she stared straight ahead with her face working. Now the Masons took over, Mister Ogilvie and Mister Short from town in their outfits saying words which were very strange. They threw shovels full of dirt on Uncle Junius coffin. Then Spence grabbed the shovel digging with a fury while ladys wept and a chilly breeze swept over us, blowing my hair.

  Look, Godfrey said, pointing up. Buzzards.

  They are coming for you! I said to scare him, but actually I think it is me. Then all of a sudden I looked down and noticed that I cast no shadow Dear Diary none. So may be I really am a ghost girl all ready.

  I ran ahead, I couldnt wait to get out of there.

  Molly, Molly! Rachel called me from the yard, but I acted like I didnt hear her. I got back into the carriage. Giddy up, Washington said. Selena cried all the way back to Agate Hill, turning once to me to say, Well you know I loved him. I did not know what to say. I had loved him too.

  Then at Agate Hill there was an uproar for while we had been gone to the funeral, Julias fiance had come with some men and a wagon and taken the silver and lots of other things as reported by Selenas blond friend Sadie who ran out to tell us. She had been there but unable to stop them.

  What do I care? Selena threw back her head. I swear I dont give a damn, lets go have a drink then. They went on in the house.

  That left me to stand by myself in the full sun blinking and looking down at the new green grass in the yard. For the life of me, I could not think what to do next.

  Finally I went in the house too where all was a wreck and Selenas friend the magistrate gave me and Victoria some little glasses of whisky and laughed when it made us cry. You will have to do better than that, girls, he said giving us more.

  April 25, 1873

  Dear Diary,

  Victoria has left with Declan Moylan, they did not even sneak off. Instead he came straight to the house with an old horse and wagon he got from someplace. Victoria came out with her things in a poke and he boosted her up, then sprang up himself. Bye Sissy, Blanche called out in a little voice. Declan Moylans hair shone red as a candle flame. Selena stood behind me watching with her belly pushing against my back and her fingers digging into my shoulder, then said Shit shit shit and went into the house with Doctor Lambeth who lives here now drunk as a Lord.

  May 8, 1873

  Godfrey was the one who told me first, he loves to bring bad news. Liddy and Washington are going away, he said this morning when I got up and went down into the passage. Mama gave them a cart and a mule.

  That is not true, you are lying. I flew through the passage out the door and into the kitchen where the coffee pot sat on the stove as it does every day and biscuits were in the old pan under the red checkered cloth same as always. Liar liar pants on fire! I grabbed two biscuits and ran out the door to their cabin the dew was all cold on my feet.

  But sure enough there was Washington loading up the old cart, Buck tied to the hackberry tree.

  See stupid? Godfrey was panting along right behind me and I whirled to hit him but missed and he ran off laughing.

  Washington stood in the door with his arms full. I was just coming over there to find you, he said.

  But all of a sudden I was hitting him hard as I could. Damn you damn you damn you, I said like Selena. I knew he had known for days.

  Washington dropped his bundles which fell all over the place, one quilt rolled out on the grass. He stood there and let me hit him until I got tired of it. Oh Molly he said. He gripped my arms at the elbow. I was crying. Come here, he said. Come on in. He held the indigo cloth aside for me to go into their cabin where I had not been since long ago with Fannie when someone was sick. Though it was dark inside with no window it did not have a negro smell as people always said but smelled sweet and fresh. Liddy had cleaned it for leaving even though no one would care, no one but me would ever know it. That is how she was.

  Liddy was over in the corner doing something. She did not turn when we came in. Elijah, she said. Bring me a light over here.

  Washington let go of me. He stuck a little piece of kindling into the fireplace coals, then blew on it till it flared up and I could see his gray eyes. He took it over to his mother and lit the tallow candle she gave him.

  What did she call you? I asked.

  Elijah, he said. It is my real name, Washington my slave name, give to me by your Uncle Junius.

  But its a good name, isnt it? I said. Dont you like it? Its the president of our country after all.

  Not my country, Washington said.

  I could not have been more surprised if the heavens had opened up and the angel Gabriel appeared as in that song that Liddy sings.

  I tell you what, she said to Washington, you let me hold the light, and you dig in the wall. Dig right here. She had already chipped a hole in it.

  What are you all doing? I went over to the corner and watched while Washington dug into the wall.

  All of a sudden I had an idea. What if I hold that door cloth up so we can get some more light in here? I said.

  Liddy said, Just go ahead and rip it down Molly, we taking it with us anyway. After I did this, things went along better.

  Washington was scooping out old stuff that looked like dirt.

  What is that? I asked.

  Thats the old mortar, Liddy said. They made it right here on the place, out of sand and water and hogs hair, thats what keeps it together.

  I stepped back so as not to touch it piling up on the floor. Uncle Junius always had floors put in the cabins because he thought it kept the negros from getting malaria. He was good, I thought, he was. But I knew it was awful anyway. Uncle Junius always said so himself.

  Here, Washington said, pulling out a small wooden box that rattled when he shook it.

  Liddy snatched it away.

  What is it? I came closer to see.

  Liddy opened the top and emptied the box out onto her palm while Washington held the candle right there. It was a pile of shiny little shells— six or seven of them. Liddy sucked in her br
eath and said something I could not understand. The shells glowed like pearls in her hand. Their tops were rounded like snail shells or like the dinner rolls that Liddy used to make for company so long ago. The bottom of each shell had two rows of teeth, almost like a little open mouth.

  From Africa, Liddy said.

  I grabbed one. It felt solid and warm and good in my hand, like a little rock. Can I have it? I asked, for suddenly I wanted it the most in the world.

  No. Liddy did not look at me. She took the shell from me then one by one she put them all back in the box and closed the top.

  I was too upset to say anything.

  Mama. Come on, we got to go before she change her mind. You know how Miss Selena is, Washington said from the door.

  Wait. Where are you going? What will you live on? I followed him out.

  Looky here. Washington held up a solid gold piece which shone in the sun.

  I couldnt believe it. Where did you get that?

  He grinned. Mister Simon Black done give it to me for bringing him out here that day. He say I am going to need it sometime. Now Mama come on!

  Selena came out of the big house shading her eyes from the sun. Get a move on then, she called. Get out of here. Molly you come on.

  Washington helped his mother into the cart where she sat on top of their piled up things with all the dignity of a born lady. She still didnt look at me. He made that clicking noise and moved the reins and Buck pricked his ears up. Then Oh Molly I almost forgot! Washington bent over and grabbed something up and threw it at me. Catch!

  It was the bag of marbles. I caught it with both hands. Good bye Liddy, good bye Elijah, I called.

  What? What did you say? What did he give you? Selena asked.

  But they had already gone off into the sunny day leaving me stuck here as in a Tableau Vivant forever.

  June 4, 1873

  Dear Diary,

  The big news is, Doctor Lambeths two sons have come out here with a servant and rough language and taken him away. They put Doctor Lambeth into a wagon and hauled him off to a sanitarium. Well that is all right, Selena said, though he had his uses. The problem with a man is, you think you want one but then you get him and then you dont. Remember that Molly.