From Darkness (Hearts & Arrows Book 3)

  “You sure? I can keep going.” He would, too, bone tired or not.

  “Yeah. You’ve been driving for”—she squinted at the clock—“thirteen hours. Holy shit. You should have woken me.”

  Jon smiled sideways. “It’s all right. I really don’t mind.”

  Josie looked over his tired face, illuminated by the dash. He leaned on the steering wheel like it was keeping him upright, and his hair was tied back in a small, messy ponytail, which somehow didn’t look douchey. In fact, it looked the exact opposite of douchey. Loose hair blew around his face, and he tucked a particularly aggressive strand behind his ear. She blinked stupidly before pulling her phone out to pretend to check the map as he pulled off the interstate and into a huge Flying J.

  He parked the car, and they stepped out into the island of fluorescent lights in the dark night. Josie reached up over her head and yawned before following Jon inside, who was dragging ass.

  Sweet ass, she thought.

  But she caught herself and rolled her eyes.

  Once through the automatic doors, she walked directly to the coffeemaker and picked up the biggest cup they had. She filled it to the brim with hazelnut brew and dumped in a couple of packets of sugar. When she took a sip, she made a face. It was terrible.

  She was too tired to care.

  Josie wandered around the massive store, looking at the trucker hats and dream catchers. She spun around a display of magnets and sipped her coffee for a second before walking around some more. When she came across Jon, he was flipping through postcards with a couple of energy drinks under his arm.

  He picked up one with a cat on it that said, Meow’s the time.

  “For Lola?” Josie guessed.

  “She’s obsessed with cats.” He shrugged.

  “Jon, she really is just about the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.”

  “Thanks,” Jon answered with a smile at the corner of this mouth.

  “I…I’m glad I met her today. Tori, too.”

  “Me too, Jo.”

  She didn’t know what else to say, and Jon didn’t press her, just smiled at her with understanding and turned for the counter.

  He laid his haul down and pulled out his wallet. “Add her coffee to that, too.”

  “Thanks.” Josie couldn’t remember the last time a man had bought her anything, even coffee. The realization depressed her.

  They walked back out to the Jeep, and she held out her hand for the keys.

  He pulled them out of the front pocket of his jeans, looking conflicted. “You sure you don’t want to sleep?”

  “Nah, I’m good. It’s your turn. You sure you can handle me driving your Jeep?”

  Jon laughed. “As tired as I am right now, that’s about the last thing I’m worried about. I know you can handle it.”

  He stepped toward her and laid the keys in her hand, and her palm tingled when his fingers grazed her skin. Their eyes locked, and they stood there for a moment before she looked down and sorted through the keys.

  “All right,” she said with her eyes on her hands, not wanting to make eye contact again.

  When he turned, she snuck a look at him as she made her way to the driver’s side and unlocked the door. She leaned over the seat and put her coffee in the cupholder. Then, she hauled herself in and slipped the key in the ignition just as Jon climbed in next to her.

  He laid his head against the headrest and looked over at Josie as she started the car, adjusted the mirrors, moved the seat up. When she looked over and caught him looking, she thought he was suppressing a smile.

  “What? You’re like a foot taller than me.”

  “I didn’t say a thing, Josie.” He smirked and folded his arms across his chest, shifting down to get comfortable. “Wake me up if you get sleepy.”

  “I will.”

  “Where are we stopping?” he asked.

  “Rapid City, if we can make it that far. We should get there tomorrow afternoon. Hopefully, we can eat and get cleaned up, maybe catch a nap.”

  “Sounds about like heaven right now.” His voice was heavy as she pulled out of the truck stop and made for the highway.

  She commandeered the radio, plugging in her phone and starting her Go-Go driving mix. An electropop song came on, and Jon huffed.

  “Got something to share, Jon?”

  “I don’t know how you listen to that.”

  “Well, I don’t know how you survive on country music from the sixties, so we’re even.”

  He snorted a laugh.

  “Jon, we’ve been listening to Merle Haggard all day. Please, give me this.”

  “Fair enough.”

  Josie smiled as he shifted again and closed his eyes. He was snoring softly within minutes.

  She drove and sipped her coffee, oddly content in the quiet of the night, comforted by his presence next to her. The next few days would be long and rough as they fought to make up ground on Rhodes, and fear flitted through her again when she questioned whether or not they would find him at all.

  They hadn’t heard from a single motel on the list, but she tried not to consider that fact. She couldn’t do a one thing about it. Instead, she focused on imagining scenarios in which they caught him. She pictured chasing him with her gun drawn, wondering if he had a firearm and how quick he’d be to use it if he did. Rhodes had nothing to lose, and men like that were dangerous.

  She looked over at Jon, barely lit by the dash and the passing headlights. His face was soft as he slept, his body tall and sturdy in the seat next to her, and she was grateful for him. For his company. For his help.

  She’d been so alone for so long that she forgot what it was like to have a companion, a friend. But it was more than that, she knew. Those old feelings she’d pretended were long gone stirred in her chest, feelings that reminded her of before. Feelings that scared her.

  He hurt you. He left you. He chose her, she told herself.

  But she found the power of the words faded like paper in the sun every time she repeated them.

  Josie drove all night with her thoughts tumbling around her head. There was so much to sort through, and when left alone to consider it all, she found herself overwhelmed and unsure, like she was being pulled into quicksand. It was Rhodes, the chase, the case, the fear. It was Anne, the memories of her invading Josie’s mind, ratcheting her anxiety that they wouldn’t catch him. And Jon, her feelings for him too loud to ignore.

  By ten in the morning, Josie’s eyes burned, the blazing sun rising behind her as they approached Sioux Falls, South Dakota, which was the last decent-sized city for two states. The sun had been up in full force for hours, and she’d been contemplating digging out her sunglasses for at least one of those but didn’t want to wake Jon.

  When her burning corneas would no longer be silenced, she finally caved.

  She bit her lip and reached behind Jon’s reclined seat for her bag, finding the opening to slip her hand in. She leaned awkwardly across the armrest, her back cramping as she fished around for her sunglasses but came up empty. There was no leaning any further over either, not without letting go of the wheel, so she bit her lip as she found the strap of the bag and gave it a good tug, trying to maintain some gentility. The force jostled his seat despite her efforts, and he stirred.

  He rubbed his eyes and squinted as she sat back down, defeated.

  “Fuck, Jo, I’m sorry. What time is it?” He scrunched up his face as he looked at the clock on the dash, trying to make out the time. “You should have woken me.”

  “It’s all right. Did you get some rest?”

  “Yeah, a bit. You doin’ okay?”

  “I feel like I belong in The Evil Dead, but I’m hanging in there. Let’s stop for breakfast if you’re hungry?”

  “Starvin’.” He shifted and straightened his seat back. He glanced around. “Where are we?”

  “Just outside of Sioux Falls.” She reached back and dragged her bag into her lap.

  “I wonder how far we are behind him.”
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  “I don’t know. Hopefully, we’ll get a call from one of the motels on the list.” Her fingers grazed her glasses, and she pulled them out of her bag, slipping them onto her face with relief.

  “Well, you sent it to about a hundred. I hope that we get at least one call.”

  The comment filled her with unease. “I actually sent it to closer to three hundred, but as of right now, he would have stopped at only four out of all of those. There’s no way every hotel saw it or cared,” she said, beginning to realize something very crucial, something she hadn’t fully considered. “Half of them probably went into the trash, and if they didn’t, who’s to say it was even posted somewhere another attendant would see it?” She just kept rambling, suddenly feeling like their entire plan was futile.

  They were chasing a ghost.

  “Don’t think that way, Jo. We’ll just stick to the plan. There’s really only one way into Washington from here. We can head him off in Spokane and work backward. We’ll get a lead. I’m certain of it.”

  “It’s going to be close, Jon, because we are working with a lot of what-ifs.”

  “Something will pan out. I have to believe that.”

  “What if we don’t make it? What if—”

  “We will. Let’s focus on making sure you talk to somebody at every cash motel, starting with Spokane. Go through your list again, and call the ones you couldn’t get ahold of. If we can make sure that every one of them knows he’s coming and that there’s money in it for them if they call us, I have to believe somebody’ll take us up on it and rat Rhodes out.”

  “But what if he’s not even on this route? I mean, what if he’s in Tijuana or California or—”

  “We’ve been through all this, Jo,” he answered.

  She took a breath, comforted for the moment at least.

  “It’s gonna be okay. This is the best we’ve got, so let’s see it through. We’ll figure out what’s next when we get there. All right?”

  Josie nodded with her eyes on the road, pushing her nerves away as they exited the highway and made for the Waffle House just off the service road.

  They climbed out of the Jeep, and Josie tried not to think of Rhodes. Her arms and legs ached, her hips and knees stiff from sitting so long, and she considered finding a patch of grass to do yoga on, but she was too tired to bother.

  She caught sight of Jon as he stretched with his eyes closed and arms in the air. His elbows popped as he arched his back, and his shirt lifted up to show the V his hips made down into his jeans. She caught herself biting her lip and smoothed her face before he opened his eyes.

  She followed him to the door, which he held open for her, and they sat down at a booth. Her mind was still on Rhodes, and unease sank into her bones, into her brain, as she sat across from Jon.

  “You’re still worrying, aren’t you?”

  “Maybe.”

  He looked into her eyes, his irises deep and blue. “Do you trust me, Josie?”

  The question caught her off guard. Did she trust him? It was such a simple question. If he had asked her two days before, she would have said no without even needing to consider, but that had changed.

  The thought upset her. All that she knew about him and about how she felt about him had been demolished, and now, she had to rebuild on the rubble of what had once been there.

  Even still, she knew the answer. She’d always known the answer. “I trust you.”

  “We’re going to find him. If not through this route, then through the next one or the one after that.”

  He believed every word, and his conviction broke her heart open.

  She could only nod.

  They ordered breakfast and went over their plans, falling into silence when their food hit the table. Josie pushed her food around her plate as memories flooded her mind, uncorked by the awareness of how much she’d changed since Anne died. She was obsessed, consumed, her life no longer recognizable.

  She justified it, her reasoning so familiar, so old and so worn that it had lost its heat and meaning.

  Moments flashed through her thoughts. Following Rhodes around his life every day. Hannah lying on a slab in a body bag. Anne as Josie had found her that night, the sound of dripping water.

  What terrified her most was when she saw herself from the outside, lonely and alone, possessed by her desire to find an end. Something essential in her had splintered and fractured, burst into pieces, and the shards would cut anyone who tried to touch her. They were protection, and they were her cage. She was too broken to love, too wounded to heal, and no one knew because no one could help her.

  But of everyone in the world, Josie knew Jon understood.

  Her heart cracked open a slit, calling his name. She wanted him. She wanted him now as much as she’d always wanted him.

  Everything she’d thought she knew about herself—about what she wanted, about how she felt and what she needed—was wrong.

  And she had no control over anything.

  Panic wound through her chest, climbed up her throat. It was all too much, the room too bright and too hot as sweat beaded on her forehead, her lungs burning like she was drowning. She tried to swallow down her hysteria, holding her breath for a few seconds to break up the panic attack slowly taking her over, pulling her under.

  Josie pushed her coffee away and downed the small glass of water. She reached for her fork and tried to take a bite of her breakfast. The potatoes were like sandpaper in her mouth, and the thought alone of the eggs made her stomach churn. The sounds of the diner were amplified, the clinking of plates and silverware assaulting her ears. She laid her fork down and sat back in her seat as every bite she had eaten raced back up.

  She swallowed hard.

  Jon eyed her. “You okay, Jo? You’re looking a little green.”

  Josie smiled, trying for reassuring. “Yeah, just need a minute. I’ll be right back.”

  She laid her napkin on the table and raced for the restroom, closing the door behind her as soon as she was across the threshold. She leaned against it and closed her eyes.

  You’re having a panic attack. You’re not going to have a heart attack. Just breathe.

  She opened her eyes and walked to the sinks, her reflection green and pale under the fluorescent lights of the diner restroom. The water was ice-cold. She rinsed her face and wet a few paper towels, pressing them to the back of her neck, hoping to all that was holy that she wasn’t about to get on her hands and knees and hug porcelain in a Waffle House.

  The way out was to rationalize. If she could quantify her worry, she would calm down, she knew.

  The first panic attack she’d had after Anne died scared her so badly, she’d almost called 911. But by the sixth, she had known how to survive it.

  So she started with Rhodes, the one logical piece of the puzzle. There was nothing to control and nothing else to be done. They’d deployed every plan they had. Everything was in motion. They would catch him, or they wouldn’t, and whatever the outcome was, she would have to move forward.

  But moving forward was a dream, a mirage, a fantasy. She didn’t know if she would ever heal, didn’t even know how to live a normal life anymore. She didn’t understand how she could participate in a world where Anne was gone and Rhodes was free.

  But for the first time since Anne had died, she remembered what it was like to live. Jon had given that to her.

  All Jon had done since he came back was try to help, try to be there for her—even when she’d pushed him away. He’d never given up, and she didn’t believe he ever would. But she didn’t know how to let him in or if she could. Not after everything she’d been through. Not after losing Anne. After losing herself.

  The cool water dripped down her neck and into the sink as she stared down at the holes in the drain. She pulled in a deep breath, trying to calm her frantic heart, hoping it was only fatigue that had pushed her to the edge. Maybe she’d wake up feeling better with a fresh perspective and a handle on her emotions.

  But
she didn’t know if it would be enough. Because she might never let go of her past, might never find a way to stitch herself back together to be a part of the world again.

  Josie was in the bathroom long enough that Jon almost flagged the waitress to check on her, but she dragged herself back to the table, looking like a rag doll, before he had a chance.

  He opened his mouth to speak as soon as she sat down. “Jo—”

  She held up a hand. “I know. I’m fine, really. I’m just so tired. I’ll be right as soon as I get some rest.”

  He didn’t believe a word but didn’t push her. “You barely ate. Want anything to go?”

  She looked like she might vomit and shook her head.

  Jon dug the keys out of his pocket and passed them across the table. “Go on and get settled in while I pay our bill.”

  “I have cash.” She fumbled for her bag.

  “Just go on, and I’ll get this one. You can get the next one.”

  She just nodded and slipped out of the booth. The fact that she hadn’t argued worried him more than anything.

  He waited in line and paid for their breakfast, trying to figure out what was the matter as he compiled a list of questions for when they got on the road again. But by the time he reached the Jeep, she was already tucked under the blanket, asleep and looking feverish. She didn’t even stir when he started the car.

  As they drove through South Dakota, Josie mumbled and shifted in her sleep. Every second of her distress ratcheted his anxiety, and he worried over if it was just Rhodes she was upset about or if there was more to it.

  Her legs jerked, jolting his pacing thoughts. He looked over at her when she whimpered and turned his eyes to scan the upcoming exit, looking for a place to stop. He spotted a motel just off the interstate in a tiny town ahead.

  “Fuck it,” he mumbled as he took the exit.

  When the Jeep came to a stop in front of the office, she cracked her eyes open.

  “Are we there?” Her voice was scratchy and dry.