Always

  He reached out and drew his thumb over her bottom lip. “Means a lot, doesn’t it?”

  She nodded. More than she could express. Having grown up pretty affluent, people had done for her most of her life. She’d thought she was independent, travelling and going to school on her own, but really, she’d just been on field trips while her parents had paid her bills. It’s not independence if you owe people for it. It wasn’t really yours, more like a loan. And she’d moved in with Adam because he’d expected her to. Yes, she’d taken care of him and helped him run his business but he’d always been sure to undercut that, never letting her feel good or smart about it. Now, in retrospect she could see it was abuse, he’d kept her down because it suited his needs to do so. But it had taken her a while to figure it out and she was mortified she ever let it go so far. The shame still caught in her throat sometimes but it was over and she was back in control and she’d never lose herself again. That shame was a good lesson, the sharpness of it kept her from forgetting the price of living through someone, of giving your dreams up for someone else’s. She never wanted to be dependent like that again.

  She moved out. Bought this place on her own. Went to school without any support from her family, who’d predictably taken Adam’s side and urged her to return to him. Her mother had told her to commit herself totally to Adam, that it was Caitlin’s fault he’d strayed to start with. It had made Caitlin harder but in the end, she’d done it and had thrived and she’d proved to herself that she was worth it. Smart enough and accomplished enough to do what she wanted to do with her life. No one would ever make her doubt herself again. She’d never owe anyone or depend on anyone to her own detriment again. She could do it and she would do it. She would graduate with her law degree. Early even. She would practice law in the public interest and help people and she’d never put her life, her needs and goals, aside for anyone else again. Love didn’t ask you to give up your dreams. Love wanted you to live those dreams. You might alter them, you might delay them but you didn’t simply live through someone else instead of living for yourself. It was a hard lesson but one she’d never forget.

  “So much on that beautiful face. He hurt you and because of that, I’d like to thump him.”

  She laughed. “Thank you. Yes, he did but I survived. I’m stronger now than I’ve ever been and he’s the reason in a way. So it’s fine.”

  They finished dinner, laughing and talking, and he helped her clear up the dishes afterward.

  “Now, I do believe I’ve recovered sufficiently to bury myself inside you for an hour or three,” he said, pulling her back toward the bed and tossing her on it.

  Yes, that would work quite nicely.

  He loved to watch her through the lens of his camera. Especially when she wasn’t aware he was photographing her. Today’s outing had them standing on a platform at Snoqualmie Falls, the mist cold on his face, her hair up in a high pony tail, exposing the beauty of her eyes.

  He had to fly home tomorrow and while part of him was eager to get to work on the jobs he had waiting, another part knew how much he’d miss her. Over the last few days, they’d picked up where they’d left off four years before. Their ease with each other had returned to the point where whether it was sex, cooking dinner or going for a long walk, they simply clicked.

  He supposed it was better than it had been four years ago because there was an intensity now that he hadn’t felt before. He’d always liked to see her smile before, to hear her laugh, but now he craved those moments when her eyes danced and her face lit with amusement. Craved that moment when he brought enough levity to her that she let go of her seriousness and laughed. In laughing, she was as filled with abandon as she was with sex. Head tossed back, full belly laughter until her eyes began to tear.

  Earlier that day they’d curled up in her cozy apartment and had read for a few hours. Devoured the New York Times from end to end along with the Seattle Times Sunday edition. They drank coffee and he was loath to admit it, but her much touted Market Spice tea did hit the spot rather nicely. It had been a very long time since he’d slept in on a Sunday with a woman and had lazed the morning away. She brought him a lot of pleasure and unexpected moments.

  She had so much inside that no one touched. He sensed it, brushed up against it as they spent time together, began to really want her to open up to him with it. She responded so openly, so wantonly when he touched her it was clear enough she had no one in her life doing the good kind of touching. It made him angry even as it also brought a rush of tenderness for her. He’d examine that later, with some distance between them. For the time being, he’d decided to just enjoy it.

  As if he’d been calling her name, she turned and rolled her eyes at the camera. “You’re a menace with that thing.”

  “I like to look at you. Sue me, as you Americans like to say. It’s different through a lens.”

  “What is?”

  “The world. Come here and look.” He held the camera out, aimed toward the falls and she looked through. “Now look through at things, me, other people and look with your eyes.”

  Caitlin looked around, viewed the world as he did and then pulled the camera away. Living that way could lend a sense of fearlessness to certain choices. Like it felt they were happening to other people. “I never really thought about it but you’re removed from it an extra step. Like watching life in a movie instead of living it.” To a certain extent she could see the appeal of it.

  “Sometimes it gives you a different approach to a subject. It’s good and bad, I suppose.”

  She took a picture of him standing there, looking so big and male. “You should give me lessons.”

  He laughed and she took another shot before handing the camera back.

  “We can do a trade. You can give me legal advice and I’ll give you photography lessons. Or you can ply me with sexual favors.”

  “I can’t give you legal advice because I’m not licensed to practice yet and I won’t be licensed in California. But I’m always happy to dole out sex.” She tried not to think about how that meant he’d be two states away. It had been a lovely several days. He’d spent the night every night, had woken her up with slow, warm sex and had kept her entertained and happy. She’d miss him when he left the following day but now that she knew he was around, they could email and talk on the phone occasionally. Maybe she would make it down his way when her schedule allowed. Or something.

  “Come on. Now that you’ve introduced sex back into the picture, I find myself in need of some.”

  Back at her place, just barely through the door, he pushed her against the wall, his mouth on hers, not gentle. He took what he wanted, what she offered willingly, with hands that seemed everywhere at once.

  Shoving her jeans down around her ankles, he dropped to his knees and rained kisses along the upper line of her panties, following them down as he bared her to his lips. She could do nothing but lean into the wall for balance, her hands sought the still wet softness of his hair as he kissed the heart of her, pressed his lips and tongue around her clit. Her pants held her nearly as immobile as his intensity did.

  Climax struck, quicker than she’d expected but he didn’t break his rhythm. She found herself on her back on the rug in the entry, looking up at him as he fumbled with a condom. She managed to get one leg loose from her pants just in time to welcome his body with her own.

  The slow, inexorable entrance into her body with his sent shocks of pleasure up her spine and still she couldn’t look away from his face, the light in his eyes as he claimed her body. That’s what it was. A taking. It’d never been that way for her, ever, and it nearly hurt that it wouldn’t be again. But she’d never forget the set of his beautiful mouth, still wet with her body as he thrust deep. Tenderness, yes, but determination to fuck her, to own her for just a few short minutes. It burned deep and she knew she’d never be the same. In those moments it wasn’t the nice, friendly sex it had been in the prior days but something deeper, more primal and she knew as well
as she knew her own name, it would change her.

  “With me, Cat. Come around me,” he murmured.

  She burrowed her hand between their bodies, found her clit ready and pushed herself over quickly. He groaned and followed, pressing hard and very deep.

  He was still against her for some long moments afterward as they caught their breath, but when he finally looked into her eyes he looked worried.

  “You look like you think you should apologize. Don’t you dare.”

  “How’d you know?” He relaxed but still had some discomfort around the edges.

  He sat up and helped her to stand before leaving briefly to deal with the condom.

  “You’re a nice guy, you just fucked the hell out of me so you might worry you were too rough or whatever. It was on your face. But I’m not made of glass and it felt really good so don’t apologize. Not to me.”

  He watched her face intently until he finally sighed, kissing her chin. “All right then. I don’t hurt women. I wouldn’t want you to think that.”

  “If I thought you wanted to hurt me, I wouldn’t have spent pretty much every moment of the last five days with you. It’s okay to be rough sometimes. I sort of like that you couldn’t wait another moment.” More than she should.

  He grinned. “Good, because I couldn’t. And by the way, it was very delightful.”

  After they’d moved out of the hall, they headed straight to her bed. He lay next to her, her head resting on his biceps. “So what are you going to do with your degree?”

  “I really care about the kind of law I’m doing right now. It’s hard working around all these abused and neglected kids but I feel like it’s the kind of job that makes a difference. I’d love to get a job at the AG’s office when I finish school. They like me, I know that, but it’s a competitive hiring process so we’ll see.”

  “Have you always felt this passionate about kids?”

  “Every child should be wanted and cherished. Sure, kids should be afraid of being bad and screwing up in school or whatever—you want them to succeed. But no child should fear being injured by a parent. No child should go through what I see on a regular basis. Being traded for drugs, having mom turn tricks in the home, mom and dad strung out, the house turned into a meth lab. Being raped by your father. No one should have to deal with that much less children who have no ability to protect themselves. They need someone on their side.”

  “What do your parents think about that?”

  “I don’t know. I guess they’re proud I’m in law school but I doubt they’d be happy I want to work for the government instead of a big firm. My father would say government work is for losers and people who can’t do any better.”

  “You haven’t told them yet? What your goals are?”

  She sighed and snuggled back against him. Her ass fit the cradle of his thighs perfectly.

  “It’s complicated. I don’t talk to them very often. They don’t know what my plans are. They’ve never asked, I’ve never offered. It’s better for our relationship if we don’t talk at all. That way they don’t have to tell me how disappointed they are in my choices and I don’t have to get an ulcer. Win-win.”

  “I don’t get how that can be a win. Of course they’re proud of you. You left a bad relationship and now you’re set to achieve your professional goals. How could they not be proud?”

  She snorted. “You’ve never met them. They’re disappointed in my choices. They say I’m exactly like my grandmother, which to them is an insult because she was a fiery, self-made woman who didn’t give a crap what anyone thought. My father named me after her, but I think it was only for the inheritance. They weren’t very close. He’s the kind of man who thinks women exist to serve men, that being a wife is the most important thing she can do. Even if, hello, it’s not like my mother gets up early and makes him breakfast before he goes to work or anything. But she’s a pretty ornament for his arm, she looked the other way when he had mistresses, she spends his money but not too much of it. That’s what I should have been with Adam. For them, I’m still the girl they paid good money to have other people raise. Independence isn’t a quality they admire in a woman. They felt I should have given Adam another chance and that my not committing to him totally was why he cheated. Being in law school instead of with him is a huge failure in their eyes.”

  He hadn’t grown up in a television-style family but his parents had both always supported everything he’d ever wanted and done. It was inconceivable to him that her parents would actually want her to stay with her cheating bastard of an ex. She was so smart, so driven, anyone would be proud. He also began to see why it was so important to her to do what she wanted and to succeed.

  “They’re gits then.”

  She laughed and they fell away from consciousness.

  Chapter Five

  Amy looked up from her cup of coffee as Caitlin sat down across from her. “It’s about time. Where have you been?”

  “Eamon was in town for a week, I’ve been with him. Having great sex and showing him the sights. I’m so relaxed it’s not funny. I gained three pounds from all the eating and wine drinking.”

  “Well good! He’s totally hot. So tell me about him.”

  As they had coffee and snacked on a muffin the size of a small dog, Caitlin told her friend about Eamon.

  “Hmm. I approve of all the sex. He seems like a nice guy who knows you and likes you. I approve of that. But what about the future? Is this like a long-distance relationship or what?”

  Caitlin shrugged. “Dunno. I don’t have time for a non-long-distance relationship anyway. I have extra classes to build credits to graduate early. I work. I’m taking the bar early. So if it is a long-distance thing, that would work quite nicely.”

  “I’m dubious. You’re busy, that’s true. But you’re also one of those people who is true. You know, a monogamist. You like being with someone.”

  “Is that an insult or what?”

  Amy laughed. “It’s a compliment! Despite the fact that Adam was a jerk, you liked being someone’s something. You liked living with him, liked being with him. You’ve not dated a whole lot since, but when you do, it’s one guy at a time and despite your saying how it’s all casual and stuff, it’s serious to you. There’s nothing wrong with that. Nothing to be ashamed of. Clearly you want to be in a relationship with someone. That’s why I wonder how this will end. I just don’t want you to have unreasonable expectations.”

  “Says the woman who thinks Nathan will suddenly stop being an asshole.” She winced at her words. “I’m sorry. That was totally uncalled for.”

  Amy snorted and sighed. “Maybe so, but it’s true. Maybe I just think you’re stronger than me so I know you can avoid getting hurt the way I keep letting myself.”

  “This is all conjecture anyway. He hung out with me for less than a week. We had sex and he went home. He didn’t give me his class ring or anything. All this talk about relationships doesn’t mean much because I think we’re just friends who like to have sex. It’s the reconnection part I’m happiest about. He’s called a few times since he got home, emailed me. What it is right now is good. He’s a good guy. He makes me laugh. I’m glad we reconnected because I’ve missed his friendship.”

  Amy rolled her eyes. “And his penis.”

  “Well, yeah, that too. Anyway, I start school again in a week. I have a lot more to do than sit around and wonder about what if. I do know one thing—I don’t want to be anyone’s anything. Being someone’s something makes you second place to your own life. Being with someone, yes, admittedly I do like that. Belonging to someone? In the way that I did with Adam, having nothing left for myself, never expecting myself to? I never want that again.”

  “Eamon, can you take a look at these proofs please? I’d like to send them out but I want you to sign off on them first.”

  He looked up at his assistant, also conveniently his sister-in-law, who helped him two days a week. Laura was petite and dark, big brown eyes with smooth, short
inky hair. Her personality was larger than life. She was the kind of woman who filled all the spaces in a room when she was in it. And yet, she and his quiet brother made a beautiful marriage. They were a fine example and one day, when Eamon got around to thinking about marriage, he hoped his could work as well.

  After glancing at the proofs, Eamon nodded. “Thank you, that’s perfect.” He stood and stretched. “I’m after some lunch, would you like some?”

  “Bring me something back. I’m going to do your accounts while I’m here since you’re a horror with them.”

  He kissed the top of her head. “Ah, you’re a good one. Michael is a lucky man. I won’t be long then.”

  Outside it was already January but the sun was bright in the sky and it was warm enough his shirtsleeves kept the bite from his skin.

  The weather was lovely, the women were stunning, the food was glorious and he loved the ocean. But despite the presence of his brother and sister-in-law, Eamon was lonely.

  He took his sub to a nearby park bench and spread it open, laying the wax paper flat and tossing the crisps, or rather chips, next to the meatball sub.

  His phone found its way into his hand before he’d given it too much thought and he tapped his thumb on her picture.

  “Hey you,” she answered on the second ring.

  “Did I interrupt? You’re not in class or at work?”

  “Nope. Last class ended an hour ago. Fridays I only have Washington State Con Law. Not that you’d be interested and frankly me? Not so much either. Why I thought an eight a.m. class was a peachy idea I don’t know. I must have been drunk. Sorry, I’m totally babbling.” She laughed and he joined her as he took a bite, the crispy bread mixing with the heat and slight sweetness of the sauce.