The Fear Trials

  He turns me around so that I’m facing the other two Pirates, who are back on their feet. “Teach her a lesson, boys.”

  My knees start to buckle, but then I remember what my father told me once, when I cut my hand working on the boat and refused to cry.

  You’re strong, Meadow. You’ve always been strong.

  I fuel off of the fear. I drop my weight, wrap my left leg around the back of the leader’s ankle, and swing my right leg behind him, to set the trip. He goes down, and I grab the knife on his belt. I hold it to his throat, press it just a little, so it draws blood. “Don’t move!”

  They all freeze.

  “Turn and leave, or I’ll kill him now!”

  And I could. But suddenly I gasp. Peri. If she were here now, and she saw me with blood on my hands. She would be afraid of me.

  I stumble back. I drop the knife.

  Then I turn and run toward the sea.

  Chapter 11

  The Dark Time is here, and for once I don’t care about being quiet.

  “You left me to die!” I scream.

  My father just stares back at me, unblinking. “I was never far away, Meadow.”

  “You were going to let them touch me! Hurt me!” I spit at his feet. I walk right up to him, so close I can feel his breath on my face. “I hate you.”

  “Meadow!” Koi gasps.

  My father just shakes his head. “Hate me as much as you want, Meadow. I am all you have.”

  He’s wrong. I have Peri and Koi. I still have my mother, even if she’s gone, again, and might never come back. I head for the door. “I’m sleeping outside tonight.”

  “Why?”

  “So I can be as far away from you as possible.”

  “I’m teaching you to live, Meadow,” my father says. “I’m teaching you all of this so you have a fighting chance. Two years isn’t much time. Someday you’ll understand.” His voice is tired. He doesn’t want to argue tonight. “Take a weapon with you, at least.”

  “Fine.” I grab my mother’s old crossbow on the way out. I slam the door behind me and don’t look back.

  The second the wind hits my face, it’s like I can breathe again. The sound of the waves crashing against the boat calms me, makes me feel like I’m safe. I cross to the railing and look out. There are other boats close by. Some of them have families like mine.

  I wonder if they have brothers who fail to succeed, fathers who train with a vengeance, and mothers who let the darkness of the world steal their sanity away.

  On one of the other boats, I see a shadow slink across the deck. I think it’s a girl, but I can’t tell. The shadow stops and turns to face me. The boats rock, and for a second, I can’t see her anymore.

  That’s when I hear a twang. Something rushes past my head and hits the deck just behind me. An arrow.

  I drop, covering my head. I should scream for my father, tell him we’re being attacked. I’m about to crawl for the safety of the cabin, but something stops me. Silence.

  Whoever shot the arrow doesn’t shoot a second one. I lift my head and look around.

  The arrow is lodged into the floorboards just a few feet away. There’s a piece of paper stuck to the shaft, fluttering in the breeze. I free the arrow and gently pull the paper away. I’m lucky my mother taught me to read, because it’s a note.

  Blonde girl-

  Are you okay? I heard screaming. I’ve never heard screaming on your boat before.

  Trace

  I look up, breathless, then rise to a crouch and peer over the railing.

  In the moonlight, I can just make out the silhouette of the girl on the boat diagonal from mine, her hair whipping in the wind.

  Trace.

  Koi has a box of pencils. To take them would be to betray him. They are his prized possessions. But I can’t help myself. Someone wants to talk to me. And Koi owes me this.

  I sneak inside the cabin, find one of Koi’s pencils, and scribble a note on the back of Trace’s.

  I’m fine. Just my father and his insane survival training.

  I don’t know what else to write, so I just sign my name.

  Meadow.

  I shove one of my mother’s arrows through the middle of the paper. Then I stand up, aim for Trace’s boat, and squeeze the trigger on the crossbow.

  I sit back and wait.

  Chapter 12

  My father’s dead because I didn’t train hard enough. My mother’s dead because I was too afraid to kill someone to save her.

  Keep training. It’s the only way.

  Trace.

  We write letters back and forth all night. Pencil to paper, paper to arrow, arrow to the sky and back down again.

  The night wears on, and dawn arrives. I sit on the roof of the cabin and watch Trace go about her morning as their boat arrives. She is about the same size as I am. Her hair is as red as a blazing fire.

  She has a little sister who could be Peri’s age. The girl comes out on the boat, and I see her hair is red, too. Trace chases her back and forth across the deck. I hear the little girl’s giggle. I hear Trace singing a song. I watch them throw nets in the water, searching for food, but come up empty every time.

  It is like Trace and I are living the same life, both of us stuck in this dying world.

  Before my father wakes for the day, I write her a final note.

  Talk again tonight.

  I smile. I didn’t know it was possible to have friends in this world. But I think I might have found one.

  Stay safe.

  Today, I will learn how to properly throw a knife.

  My father brings out his knife roll, a strip of leather that he keeps his weapons safely tucked away in.

  In the sunlight, the steel shines bright. He has knives of every shape and size. Filet knives, for cleaning fish. A butcher knife, a paring knife, a long serrated blade. One that is double-edged. And his dagger.

  “It’s all in the wrist,” my father says. He picks up a black knife, one of the weighted ones, and flicks his wrist, lightning quick. The blade flies from his fingertips and lands right in the center of the X he’s painted on the side of the cabin.

  A perfect bull’s-eye.

  Peri claps and giggles. “I wanna frow one!” She reaches for the pile of weapons.

  “No,” my father, Koi and I say at once.

  “Bastards.” She sticks out her tongue and turns back to her doll. I throw Koi a glare. She must have learned that word from him. He simply shrugs and throws a knife right into the center of the target.

  We spend all morning practicing. My father shows me how to position my arm just right, hold the blade in my fingertips, and throw it without the sharp edge slicing my skin. We work until midday, when the sun is blazing down on our backs and I’m dizzy from the heat.

  My aim is terrible. I never hit the center of the target, and when I get close, but not close enough, my father makes me spar with Koi until there’s blood and sweat dripping into my eyes.

  “Again,” my father says. “You could have defended yourself from the Pirates with a single blade, had you been able throw one correctly. But you failed.”

  “It won’t happen again,” I say.

  “It will, because you’re too stubborn to listen to me and do it correctly.”

  “If you’d stop being so harsh and just be patient, I might want to do it right!”

  “Stop fighting!” Koi gets in between us, pushes us apart. “Meadow, do what he says. Please. I’m begging you.”

  Just then, there is a bump against the side of the boat. My mother appears, climbing up the ladder. Her eyes are tired, deep purple and blue circles beneath them. She drops a small bag of rations onto the deck. “We’ll eat tonight,” she says. She looks at me, at my father and Koi, then at the roll of knives. “I remember when I learned how to throw. How is she doing?”

  My father puts his hand on her arm. She flinches. He backs away, sighing. “Not good enough.”

  “She doesn’t understand the danger,” my mother
says. For a second, I think I see tears start to form in her eyes. The boat rocks. She stumbles into Koi, who helps her back onto her feet. “We need to motivate her.” She turns to Peri and smiles. “Stand beneath the X, darling.”

  I choke on a laugh. “What?”

  “You’ll never win if you can’t first face your fears,” says my mother. She points at Peri, who scampers across the deck and stands obediently under the X. The center of the target is right above her head. “Hit the target, Meadow. Hit it right, and if you don’t, you’ll understand what it means to really lose.”

  “Peri isn’t a target. She’s a person. She’s my sister. She’s your daughter.” I drop the knife I’m holding. “I won’t do it.”

  “Lark,” my father says. “There are other ways to teach her.” There’s a softness to his voice I haven’t heard before. He watches my mother with pleading eyes.

  “Meadow will do this,” my mother says. “Or else.”

  My father looks down at his toes. I have never seen him respond this way before, never seen him back down.

  “This has gone too far!” I step away. “If I go on shore and someone comes for me, I’ll kill them. I’ll kill for a job, too. I promise I will. I get it now.”

  “You don’t,” my father says, his voice soft.

  “I won’t use my little sister’s skull as target practice!” I turn to my brother. “Koi?”

  He just sighs. “I’m not in position to defend you anymore, Meadow.”

  Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Trace’s red hair whipping in the wind like rays of sunlight. My father’s dead because I didn’t train hard enough. My mother’s dead because I was too afraid to kill someone to save her.

  I grit my teeth. “If I do this, and I fail, she dies.”

  My mother nods. “She won’t die, because you won’t fail.”

  I won’t do it. I won’t.

  But I find myself picking up my father’s dagger. The prize, if I complete his precious Fear Trials. It feels good in my hand. Weighted perfectly. I look at the target, feel the way the wind is blowing across my face. I know how to throw it correctly. I just didn’t need to. Until now.

  “Be brave, Meadow,” my father says. He squeezes my shoulder once. And I know in my heart that he won’t relent until I complete his test.

  “Don’t be afraid, Peri,” I say.

  “I’m not afwaid,” she says back. She’s a child. She’s a child and she doesn’t understand.

  I close my eyes and breathe. When I open them, there is no hesitation. I throw the dagger. It whirls through the air, almost in slow motion.

  There is a satisfying thwack when it hits the center of the target. Peri cheers. My father nods, and Koi pats me on the back.

  “I never doubted you for a second,” my mother pulls me into her arms and kisses the top of my head.

  My father joins in. “How does it feel? Amazing, right?”

  “No,” I whisper. “It doesn’t feel good at all.”

  It doesn’t feel good because I liked the feeling of winning, liked the rush I felt when the dagger hit the target, cold and sharp, deadly and true.

  I slump to my knees.

  The Fear Trials is changing me.

  I am becoming my father’s perfect daughter.

  Chapter 13

  Later, I sit on the deck and listen to the sirens wail. Then I wait for Trace’s message.

  Tonight the moon is covered in clouds as thick as cotton. It is so black I can hardly see my hands in front of my face.

  There’s a whooshing noise, then a twang, as Trace’s arrow lodges itself into the floorboards. I think I hear footsteps behind me, but when I whirl around, no one is there. I set my mother’s crossbow down and read Trace’s note.

  I saw what you did today.

  My blood goes cold. I picture Trace standing on her boat, watching me throw a dagger at Peri’s head. She must think I’m heartless.

  I scribble back an explanation. It looks so pathetic. I shouldn’t care about what this girl thinks. And yet I so desperately want her to understand.

  I didn’t have a choice.

  I shoot my arrow and wait. The moon appears, illuminating the sea. I get a glimpse of Trace’s boat. I see her slender frame as she bends to get my arrow. And there’s another figure, too. Someone tall and strong.

  Someone who doesn’t belong.

  A man.

  My heart speeds up, slamming against my ribs. Trace is busy writing a note back to me. She doesn’t know he’s there. He moves slowly. Methodically. Silently.

  I wave my hands, try to get her attention, but the clouds race across the moon again, dousing the light. “Trace!” I scream.

  But she doesn’t respond. I knock an arrow onto my mother’s bow and shoot it blindly, hear the thwack as it hits her boat. “Come on, come on . . .”

  There’s a scream that pierces the night.

  “Trace!” I rush for the railing, set to dive in. But warm hands haul me back.

  “Leave it, Meadow,” Koi hisses in my ear. “There’s nothing you can do.”

  I struggle against him, but he’s too strong.

  “I have to help her!”

  I don’t know how he knows about Trace, if he saw me writing to her or caught me stealing his pencils and paper. But he’s here now, and he won’t let me go. “If you go over there, you will die. You’re not ready yet.”

  “But she’s my friend!”

  I feel his hot breath against my cheek. “We have no friends. Only this family, on this boat. Let it go.”

  There are no more screams from Trace’s boat. The clouds move again, and I see the man’s silhouette. He dives into the waves and disappears. I aim for him, but the water is black. It’s pointless.

  Then a wailing, sobbing. I can’t tell if it’s Trace or her little sister. I can’t see anything, I don’t know what happened.

  The sobbing continues through night, and when darkness fades and the sun takes its place, I finally understand.

  I watch in horror as Trace dumps her little sister’s body into the sea.

  Chapter 14

  When I’m beneath the waves, nothing else matters.

  I am a part of the water and it’s all around me, and here I feel safe.

  It’s only an illusion. I have to come up for air eventually, and when I do, my father is watching me. He and Koi are sitting in the dinghy. It bobs up and down in the waves. “How long can you swim for?” my father asks me.

  I kick my legs to stay afloat. “I don’t know. An hour, maybe.”

  “That’s good,” Koi says, nodding. He looks at my father before he speaks. “I can go for two without stopping.”

  I am tired of him acting like this, like his whole world revolves around my father’s approval.

  “Oh yeah?” I splash him. “I think you’re lying.” He doesn’t smile, so I splash him again. “Lighten up, Koi.”

  “Stop it, Meadow.”

  “Stop it, Meadow,” I mimic him, and finally, he smiles.

  He dives into the waves, tackling me. We sink under, and it’s like we are little kids again.

  When we come back up, my father almost looks like he used to. Calm and gentle, without a care in the world.

  “You should come for a swim,” I say. “It’s hot out.”

  Koi nods, running his hands through his hair. “Yeah, Dad. Come on. You could use a day off. We can relax a little.”

  Our father almost looks like he wants to say yes. But then, as always, his smile goes away. “I want you both to swim until you can’t anymore. No stopping to rest. Meadow, you will win.”

  I think of all the times Koi and I used to play games as kids. We used to see who could hold their breath the longest. Who could jump the farthest, dive the deepest. I never won. “What if I can’t beat him? He’s bigger than me. Stronger.”

  “You are the stronger one now,” my father says.

  And just like that, Koi’s good mood is gone. He turns and swims away.

  For a
while, we stay side by side, navigating through the trash and wrecks together. Koi’s strokes are long and even. I mirror him, keeping my breathing steady so I don’t exhaust myself.

  Just before we swim past the bow of another boat, I look over my shoulder and see my father heading inside the cabin. He won’t be watching us now.

  That’s when I think of Trace, and suddenly I fall back, break away from Koi, and swim in the direction of Trace’s boat.

  It is smaller than ours, only about a twenty-footer, an old yacht almost rusted out. I swim up to the bow. For a second, I think about turning away. I should forget about her, just like Koi said.

  But then I see a flash of red, and her face appears over the railing.

  “Wondered when you were gonna stop by.” Her voice is throaty, like it’s nearly gone from crying.

  “Got a rope?” I ask.

  She tosses one down. I look over my shoulder. Koi is lost in the maze of wrecked ships. My father is nowhere to be seen, so I start the climb.

  The first thing I notice is the bloodstain on the deck.

  “Couldn’t scrub the damned thing away,” Trace says. She kicks aside a metal bucket, spilling seawater. “Doesn’t matter. Guess it’s just a sign that I’m next.”

  I keep my mouth closed. If Peri were dead, I wouldn’t want Trace to say anything to me.

  She leads me inside the cabin. There’s an old mattress on the floor that takes up most of the space, a few half-carved arrows nestled in the corner, and a brown teddy bear on the floor.

  “It was Anna’s,” Trace says, picking it up.

  “Anna. That’s a nice name.”

  “Sit down.” She points at the mattress. “My momma always said you let your guests sit down when they visit.”

  I sink down onto the mattress. Trace sits beside me. Her hair is long, nearly as long as mine, but she wears it in two braids, and it shows off her blue eyes.

  There’s a crazy look in them.

  It reminds me of my mother.

  “He came out of nowhere,” Trace says. “Your arrow warned me. Thanks for that.”

  I nod.

  She picks up the teddy bear and squeezes it tight. “He’d already slit her throat by the time I grabbed my bow. And then he just dove into the water. Left her there to die. She was just a kid. She’ll never get to ride the train. I told her it was scary, but she didn’t care. She wanted to so badly . . .”