Never Enough

  Fear. She loved Adrian so much it scared her.

  She sat back, arse on the floor, resting her head against the cabinets. It took her years to love someone, and with Adrian it had happened so fast. One part of her was okay with that. Love was a certain kind of magic and she accepted it as such.

  Miles had been instant love. The moment she held him against her chest she’d loved him so fiercely it had filled up everything.

  And that had been enough. More than enough. She’d loved being a mother more than she could have ever imagined. She made mistakes with it, of course. But even if everything else in her life had been out of sequence, she and Miles had been in sync.

  Adrian had changed everything in much the same way Miles had. And, she supposed, she loved him in much the very quick way she’d loved Miles. He felt like family.

  When she’d been growing up, her mother had thought she was doing a favor for Gillian by keeping her expectations low. A girl like her wasn’t pretty like Tina, so she could play piano and be a good enough wife and mum for some bloke who’d sit and watch footie every night down the pub with his buddies while she handled the home life.

  Low expectations had been her main dish as a child. While she’d had Miles and had found an avenue for her passion with the piano, the ugly, unvarnished truth was that she’d never expected to have a love like she had with Adrian.

  Fucking was hard enough. But letting someone into her soul? Past all her defenses into her very heart? The unvarnished truth was that he was there already. It wasn’t a matter of decisions on her part. It simply was true and at the end of the day, she accepted it. And it strengthened her. She also knew that.

  She could see herself and Miles living in Adrian’s house. It was big and bright and had a gorgeous view. She could most definitely do her work there. She might even be able to expand to some new avenues around the area.

  But the yard, while lovely, wasn’t the kind of yard a boy could really run around in. Not that Miles was much for sporting around in the back anyway.

  It would only be half an hour from her friends. Not the same quick ride over to Mary’s or down to Tart, but it was doable. She could still go to dinner and hang out and they could come to her as well.

  She didn’t like parts of his life. The constant exposure troubled her. Quite frequently, people camped out at the base of his drive. Just outside his gate on any given day there’d be fans. Most were very respectful, though she had her doubts about the level of obsession of people who came to find his house and then camped as if they were in the forest instead of a neighborhood.

  Instead of going to get coffee nearby his home, he headed to the café Erin owned. He didn’t do anything in his own neighborhood as a matter of fact. And it was a nice neighborhood!

  But his face was too well known there, and while the people he lived around seemed just fine with his celebrity, that didn’t stop the camping out and the occasional paparazzi.

  Twice since Miami, photographs of Gillian and Miles had ended up on gossip websites. That was a whole new level of exposure and it pushed those buttons she’d had for a very long time. She had enough of that when she was young and everyone knew her mum was the town bike and her dad was a drug dealer who liked young girls.

  This country had brought her relief from that. She’d reinvented herself away from that, and the idea of people looking at her and judging her for what others did or didn’t do made her sick.

  Was it all about her? Was she so self-centered that she’d make it all about how she felt when clearly Miles and his dad deserved to be together?

  “Get it together, Gillian,” she muttered, going back to scrubbing the floor. Dithering never got anyone anywhere. Period. She needed to make her mind up and go forward from there.

  So she refilled the bucket with clean soapy water and got back to work.

  “Lookie here, Miles.”

  She glanced up from where she’d just finished cleaning the baseboards to find Adrian and Miles standing there, grinning.

  “I thought you two were off for the day with mischief in mind.” She got to her feet, peeling off the rubber gloves after pouring out the dirty water.

  “We missed you.” Miles tromped over her freshly scrubbed floors, but it was to hug her and so it didn’t matter.

  “Hey, love. I missed you too.”

  Oh, beautiful love. Love flooded through her, that warm, bonedeep mother-love. Filled her up to bursting.

  And when he stepped away there was Adrian, also tromping across her freshly scrubbed floor.

  She knew she wore a fool’s smile but it didn’t matter.

  “Mister Brown. I trust you have not broken our son?”

  “I do my best, English.” He leaned in to kiss her, a sweet sort of smooch that made the backs of her knees tingle.

  “Miles and I were hanging out and all after we woke up and we both decided we needed to see you.” He leaned past her to put a bag on the counter. “You have no idea how hot it makes me to see you this way,” he murmured softly.

  Oh, he thrilled her right to her toes.

  “We brought shrimp, corn on the cob and potatoes. I think we can work with this combo.”

  “I think we can, yes. I’ll make a pasta salad to go with. We’ll do a boil, don’t you think?” Gillian shooed them both from the room while she re-mopped and dried up quickly.

  “And we can eat out back with a fire.” Miles stooped to pick up Jones to give him a snuggle. Fat Lucy had been annoyed he’d been away so much, so she coolly ignored him.

  “Call Isabel.” She indicated a note on the counter. “She called for you. As did Jason. Feed the turtle.”

  “Jeez.”

  “Guess you don’t miss me as much now.”

  He grinned. “Nah, I still missed you.” He put the cat down and headed out to feed the turtle.

  She turned to dig out the pot to boil the shrimp, corn and potatoes in, and another for the pasta as Adrian slid into motion around her, moving to the sink to clean everything up.

  “Just so you know, I’m going to be all up in you ten minutes after he goes to bed.”

  “Just so you know, I’m on board with that.” She pressed a kiss on his shoulder as she filled the pots with water.

  When she’d turned the heat on beneath the pots, he spun her, backing her against the door to the pantry. “I’d planned to apologize and ask if you were all right with us coming back early. And then I saw your face when you caught sight of Miles when he told you we missed you. The look on your face . . . beautiful. I love you.”

  “Oh, you say the dearest things. It’s impossible not to love you right back. I want to be honest with you—it scares me to need you so much. I haven’t stopped thinking on how to make the moving-in thing work.” She needed to say it fast so she wouldn’t chicken out and not say it at all.

  He nodded. “You’re not alone. I wake up when you’re not with me. I can’t sleep as well alone now. There’s a Gillian-shaped spot in my bed. And in my life. I want you in it. I want you with me. I want our family. I’m also thinking on the moving-in-together issue. I want it, but I want to do it right.”

  Miles let the back door slam and they moved apart, back to making dinner.

  “Mum, can Jason come to dinner? His parents are away and his older sister is being mean to him.”

  Gillian restrained her need to roll her eyes. Mean to Jason was probably that she ordered pizza instead of making him burgers or something. The boy was prone to exaggeration, though Gillian often considered him one of the family.

  “Of course. The boy knows he’s welcome. Tell him he can sleep over too.”

  Miles’s quick grin told her that was the next question anyway and he tore off to make that call.

  Adrian hummed and sang as he worked. A few minutes later, Miles and Jason spilled into the kitchen, chattering and laughing, talking over one another. Jason already got over his starstruck phase with Adrian, so he was just another parent.

  Something she knew Ad
rian enjoyed and was proud of.

  Gillian paused to simply let it wash through her. It was beautiful, this thing they’d built together.

  20

  Brody looked up as his brother entered the front door. Rennie tore toward Adrian and he caught her up into a big hug. His brother was a damned good uncle. Without Adrian, Brody was totally sure the transition with Martine would have been a great deal harder.

  He’d changed since Miles had come into his life. Since Gillian. That sort of restlessness that even the time off hadn’t cured had actually calmed. He lived in that moment, appreciated it.

  Adrian was in love in the best kind of ways. With his child and with the woman who was his other half. Brody knew full well what that meant because he’d had it himself.

  He’d never expected Elise. Not to fall in love with her the way he had. And he’d most assuredly never expected Rennie. He’d fallen for her too. Fallen for being a father, and though she wasn’t his biologically, he was her father in every way that counted. And that was enough.

  “Yo, Ms. Irene, what’s shakin’?” Adrian put her down and followed her into the living room and through to the kitchen where Brody and Martine were.

  Rennie took a deep breath and Brody caught sight of his brother bracing himself for the torrent of words he’d be swimming through in less than a second.

  “I got a part in the play. It’s not a big one, they chose Jamie for that.” It was clear what Rennie thought of that particular idea. “But I get to sing and dance. Momma’s gonna make me a costume. She has a lot of pretty costumes still in the back of the closet. They let her keep them, you know? When she stopped dancing? And then we can use them for templates for when the school does a performance. Oh! Did Aunt Gillian tell you that she’s going to play piano in Carmina Burana? Momma is going to dance in it. She doesn’t usually but her students talked her into it and I’m super excited because she’s such a great dancer and all. Where’s Miles? Will you be there at the play and also at Carmina Burana?”

  “Yes, I wouldn’t miss your play. Yes, I will be at Carmina Burana. I’m also excited to see your mother dance and to hear Gillian play piano. She’s actually practicing with the other piano player right now so no we won’t be seeing her and Miles tonight. What play is it?”

  “Peter Pan. I’m a Lost Girl. They said I was a Lost Boy but hello! I am not a boy. I do not have a penis.”

  Brody coughed and Adrian made a heroic effort not to laugh.

  “Absolutely correct, my dear Irene. You do not. Lost Girls are just as good. I’m sure Miles and Gillian will come too.”

  Marti, who’d been happily sitting in her high chair eating cereal until she was not paid attention to by her uncle, issued a loud screech to get Adrian’s attention.

  Adrian kissed Rennie’s head and moved toward Marti, kissing the top of her head too.

  “I see you, ma’am. Do you think I’d ignore you?”

  She calmed right away, placated for the time being.

  “Doesn’t matter their age, if it’s a woman, you’ll charm her.” Brody shook his head. “Just made a fresh pot of coffee, if you’d like. You staying for dinner, since your woman and your boy aren’t around tonight?”

  “He’s got a test tomorrow and she’s practicing with her partner for the show. I’ll stop by after school to see how it went.”

  “All right then. How was your day?”

  “Managed to meet with Erin to work on some songs, so my day was productive too. Yes to dinner, thanks.”

  Elise wandered in with an armful of clean laundry. “Hey, it’s my brother-in-law.” She paused to turn her cheek up to receive a kiss.

  “Pizza for dinner, I think.”

  Rennie jumped for joy at that one, and seeing it, Martine squealed and clapped her hands.

  “There’s your answer to that question, eh?” Adrian grinned. “I’ll do it. The usual?”

  “Yeah, and then you can tell me what’s up.” Brody looked back to Marti. “You have more food on your face than in your stomach, baby girl.”

  She grinned. “No, no, no!”

  “You’re growing up, all right.” He wiped her face and she laughed.

  “Out.” She pointed to the ground.

  “All right. You can free range awhile in the living room.”

  They’d gated the entire living room, putting most of what they didn’t want her to touch outside it. She crawled like a flash to keep up with Rennie, so he and Elise knew it would only be a matter of time before she figured out a way to get over, under or through the gates.

  But parenting was a day-by-day venture anyway.

  He cleaned up her messy face until she started to get grumpy. She was off like a shot once he put her down and she caught sight of her big sister, who was busily pulling open the box of Marti’s toys.

  Rennie played with Martine, both girls laughing as they made a great big farm with chunky horses and cows.

  Elise came out and took a look toward Adrian and then back to Brody. “I’ll hang with the girls until dinner arrives. Go see what he needs.”

  He reached out to slide a fingertip over her lips. “You’re one of a kind, you know that? I love you.”

  She smiled and he grinned down at her. His woman. In their house with his children. Life didn’t get any better than that.

  “I love you too.”

  He kissed her and turned to head back into the kitchen where Adrian was.

  “Half an hour. I’m passing on the coffee. I need to sleep well tonight. Topped you up, though.”

  “Thanks.” He sat and pushed a chair out with his foot. “Sit and tell me.”

  “Am I so predictable?”

  “I know you, Adrian. Like I know Erin. Like I know the people I love. You’re happy. Happier than I’ve seen you . . . well, ever, I suppose. But there’s something else. Something’s bugging you.”

  “I asked Gillian to move in with me. To bring Miles and make my house theirs. I want this, Brody. I want feeding babies in high chairs. I want to wake up with her every day. I want to be with my son the night before a test and to eat breakfast with him while I quiz him.”

  “Why aren’t you there, then? Why are you here in my kitchen instead of there, in hers?”

  “I have stuff to do. I need to work and my studio is here. Why isn’t she here?”

  “Because your son is in middle school in another city. That’s where the life she built for him is. Christ, Adrian, you know this. What is it really?”

  His brother sighed.

  “You know you can tell me anything. Right? I’m not going to judge you for having feelings. But I will kick your ass if I think that’s what you need. And I will tell you you have spinach in your teeth too. You’d do the same for me. Now, what is it really?”

  “She holds back. Okay? Haven’t you noticed that?”

  Brody sat back and sipped his coffee.

  “What I’ve noticed is that she likes us. She comes to our events. Listens to stories about stuff she wasn’t there for and people she doesn’t know. She does this with a great sense of humor. And she does it for you and for Miles.”

  “Do you think she just puts up with it then?”

  “Just tell me straight, Adrian. Are you looking for a way to fuck this up or are you looking for a way to make it work?”

  This was why Adrian had ended up on Brody’s doorstep instead of Erin’s. Erin was perfectly capable of kicking his butt when he was wrong, but it was Brody who would sort him out in a more unflinching way. Brody, who was his mentor, his father figure and the person he looked to more than anyone else for advice and an example.

  “I love her. She loves me. This is not in doubt. I’m good with that. More than good with it, actually. It’s the best thing in my life. I have a son and he’s a great kid. He and I are building a relationship and I’m not fucking up too very much, I hope. Gillian would tell me if I was.” He laughed.

  “She’s a warm, lovely woman. But she’s shy and it’s going to take time. What ma
kes Gillian the perfect woman for you is the fact that she’s unique. Right? There’s no one like her and she gets you.”

  “So you think she’s not holding back?”

  “I’m not in a relationship with her. I can tell you what my observations are. She’s reserved. She’s not going to discuss favorite sexual positions with Erin and Elise. At the same time, she understands family. She sees it the way we do. She has that with her friends. I saw it firsthand when we went to the lunch at Mary’s last month. I also saw Miles with them. They’re his family just as assuredly as we are. So of course she wants the boy to keep that and you should too.”

  Adrian knew all this, but it helped to have Brody say it. Gave him some clarity.

  “She tells me she’s working through the moving-in-together stuff and I believe she is. I believe she wants to and I know I do.”

  “So what’s the problem? Huh? You admit she’s not the kind of woman who will be buddy-buddy with strangers right off. And yet she is working on it and she does fit in just fine. You admit she loves you and that you love her. You say she’s working through the geographical issues, which you and I both know are a bigger deal than you’re admitting. She’s good for you. You’re good for her. Miles is great for you both.”

  Brody looked at him carefully as the sound of Rennie’s laughter and Elise’s voice came from the other room.

  “Why can’t it be easy?”

  Brody barked a laugh. “I don’t have the answer to that one. I just know that nothing worth having or doing is easy. Nothing.” He paused. “Do you trust her?”

  Adrian took a moment to think, because it wasn’t an easy question to answer. But there was only one and it was utterly clear. “Yes. I do.”

  “You’ve seen her several days a week for months. And you’ve gotten to know her as a mother as you’ve found your own way into being a father. It just occurred to me that you’ve gone backward with your lovely Gillian.”

  Adrian paused and then laughed along with Brody as he realized the truth of it.

  “For an old guy you have some big brains. Yeah, that’s it. I need to date her. Stuff that’s just the two of us. Stuff you all did when you first started out with your husbands and wives, too. Like the tavern.”